Work for cancer patients. The role of the oncopsychologist in the treatment of cancer. Changing public opinion through all media

How to give hope to the patient

Would you like to know how to help your loved one in a situation of illness to cope with anxiety and depression, to believe in yourself and the success of treatment? Really, positive attitude and the desire to fight, despite all the difficulties in the treatment process, are the basis of recovery.

Have you ever wondered what hope is? First of all, this is a certain image of the future, these are our aspirations, expectations of something better. And in a situation of illness, a person is primarily afraid that he will no longer be the same as before, that his expectations will not be fulfilled. Therefore, you can inspire hope in a person in two ways: as long as there is a chance to restore health and strength, you need to talk with a person that his hopes are not crossed out, but only postponed. You just need to take your time, find the strength in yourself to first devote some time to getting out of disease state, and then it will again be possible to make plans and realize the hopes that were. If you see that it is not possible to get out of the disease without losses and such as earlier life definitely not, work to ensure that the person sees new horizons and forms new expectations. The values ​​that are so noticeable for any patient will help here: the joy of communicating with loved ones, the pleasure of a clear sunny day, interest in a new film or book, etc.

It's no secret that many of medical measures are often hard to bear by a person, can cause discomfort, fear, anxiety, feeling tired. But outstanding success modern medicine convincingly prove that any disease can be successfully dealt with at all stages of the process. However, in a situation of uncertainty and anxiety in which a person is, especially in severe chronic disease It is not easy to accept this and deal with negative experiences. In this case, it is close people who are able to provide psychological support, inspire self-confidence and a desire to fight the disease.

There is an opinion that relatives should maintain external composure in order to psychologically support the patient. But he understands the unnaturalness of this state, and this blocks the free expression of his own emotions. In this sense, it is important to avoid superficial optimism, the insincerity of which close person always feels. It is important to be natural, to allow yourself to speak freely with your loved one about his pains, fears, worries, and to receive your support. This support should feel calm, unconditional, self-evident, based on your complete faith in his recovery. Become yourself a conductor of this faith and desire to fight. It is very important to believe in the strength of a person, because your faith will give faith to your loved one.

It is important that very often a person who claims that treatment is meaningless wants most of all to be convinced, to return this lost hope to him. In him, like in no one else, there is this desire and desire to believe, hope and fight, which you need to turn to, activate it.

You probably know well what things in life your relative values ​​​​most of all (family, children, grandchildren, hobbies, favorite activities, life goals and plans). Use this resource to give a person faith in the future, plan upcoming events together, create a favorable emotional climate around him. The most important support and foundation on which a person will build his faith in the future and draw strength for the struggle is now your family and close people.

In general, it is easier for a person to think and talk about everyday worries and affairs than to constantly be afraid of some global threat, and it is to the daily steps to improve health that the patient's attention should be switched (observance of sleep and wakefulness, diet, walks, regular follow-up of doctor's orders, making a list of questions to ask the doctor, doing household chores, hobbies, gardening, etc.).

Try to convince your loved one that the main task now - stock up on patience and courage, just wait out hard times for the sake of your health and future life. And also to assure that you will be there all the time, helping together, step by step, to overcome the disease.

The state of anxiety and fear can arise, among other things, due to a lack of information. Perhaps, in this sense, a conversation with a doctor, an expert, or a call to our hotline 8-800 100-0191 , where experienced psychologists will help you understand the current situation, give recommendations on interaction and communication with the patient, and provide psychological support.

Gridkovets L.M., Kutepova I.

PSYCHOLOGICAL HELP FOR CANCER PATIENTS

Any disease has three levels of manifestation: physical, psychological and spiritual. Psychological level forms factors that play a significant role both in a person's susceptibility to diseases, including cancer, and in getting rid of them. Often cancer is visible side internal conflict of a person and testifies to the presence of internal unresolved problems in him, intensified by stressful experiences and events.

Physical methods of treatment remain an integral part of the fight against such formidable diseases as cancer. However, without a framework of beliefs through which both patients and physicians can contribute to treatment and form positive expectations in patients, treatment will be incomplete. If it is possible to mobilize the whole person to fight the disease, the likelihood of his recovery increases significantly.

Anyone can take responsibility for analyzing or even revising those of their ideas and feelings that do not contribute to treatment and do not help fight for their life and health. The search for an answer to this question again brings us back to the emotional and psychological factors affecting the state of health and the occurrence of disease. The same reasons why one patient lives and another, with the same diagnosis and treatment, dies, affect the very ability of a person to perceive the disease as such, i.e. on the ability to accept or reject the disease.

Scientific studies have shown that:

Strong emotional stress increases the body's susceptibility to diseases;

Chronic stress leads to depression immune system, which in turn further increases the body's susceptibility to diseases and especially to cancer;

Emotional stress not only suppresses the immune system, but also leads to hormonal disorders, which can contribute to the appearance of atypical cells just at the moment when the body is least able to fight them.

Studies among cancer patients show that shortly before the onset of the disease, many of them lost significant emotional connections. When the object or role with which a person associates himself begins to be threatened or simply disappears, then he finds himself as if on his own with no skills to cope with similar situations. In this case, cancer acts as a symptom of the manifestation of unresolved human problems.

a special role in the formation cancerous tumors play the negative fixation experiences of the personality's childhood. The psychological reserve of the child is limited, and, accordingly, the behavior patterns due to this limitation internal reserve are of a scripted nature.

New stressful situations that have arisen pose a problem for a person that he can no longer cope with. This does not mean that the problem is caused by stress. It arises as a result of the fact that a person cannot cope with stress without violating the rules of behavior established by him and without going beyond the once chosen role.

Seeing no possibility to change the rules of his behavior, a person feels his helplessness and insolubility of the situation. A person refuses to solve the problem, loses flexibility, the ability to change and develop. As soon as a person loses hope, his life turns into a "run in place", he no longer tries to achieve anything. From the outside, it may seem that he lives a completely normal life, but for himself, existence loses any other meaning, except for the fulfillment of the usual conventions. Serious illness or death represents for him a way out of this situation, a solution to the problem or its postponement.

Some patients can remember such a sequence of thoughts in themselves, others are not aware of it. Nevertheless, most admit that in the months before the onset of the disease they experienced feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. This process does not cause cancer, rather it allows it to develop. If people can recognize themselves in the above description, then this will serve as a signal to them, calling for action to the need to change something in your life.

There are four psychological stages that allow a person to get out of the crisis to health:

When a person learns that he is sick and that his illness can be fatal, he begins to see his problems in a new way; - a person decides to change his behavior, to become different;

The physiological processes taking place in the body react to the flared hope and the newly emerged desire to live. In most cases, this process does not go absolutely smoothly - it has its ups and downs;

The recovered patient feels "better than just fine."

He has spiritual powers, a positive self-image, faith in his ability to influence own life- everything that, without any doubt, testifies to more high level psychological development. Many of those who took an active position in the fight against the disease, in positive side the attitude to life also changes. They gain faith that everything will go well and stop seeing themselves as a victim. It is necessary to judge the actual mood of patients not only by words, but also by their actions.

But not only the person himself influences the course of the disease. Other people play an important role in the development of the disease and recovery:

The results of research by psychologists have shown the value of "predetermining prophecy or prediction." And even the results scientific research can become a provocative factor stimulating the development of the disease. When we expect something, we act on that expectation and thus increase the likelihood that it will come true.

Certain expectations (doctors, relatives, etc.) affect the outcome, causing unconscious changes in behavior. Often, expectation can play a very negative role.

Sometimes it's hard to know if some are side effects really the reaction of the body to the treatment, or they are caused by certain ideas of the person.

Experiments clearly confirm the power of negative attitudes. Social ideas about cancer have a very strong negative impact. Many patients are able to be courageous and strong. In order to help them in this difficult task, it is necessary to oppose the existing negative attitudes in society regarding cancer with a system of positive ideas. The negative experience of many people was not determined by the actual state of affairs, but to some extent was the result of their initial negative attitude.

There is an opinion that it is impossible to inspire “unjustified hopes” in a person. But life position, in which there is no place for hope, this is not realism, but the most common pessimism. It can save a person from disappointment, but at the same time actively contributes to the achievement of precisely negative results. Such a position takes away from people in general any opportunity to live. full life and fight when their lives are threatened. Every patient striving to become healthy inevitably faces the need to reconsider his attitude to a life-threatening disease, he must be "open" to hope.

Psychologists have noticed that good results achieved by those patients who perceived these principles slowly and gradually. While they were thinking about all the details, weighing all the pros and cons, these ideas were assimilated at all levels of the personality, penetrated into all personal attitudes and behavior. And although all patients from time to time are visited by doubts - echoes of old ideas, the very desire to revise old views and the belief that you are able to do this are of great importance.

Psychological processes that help to get rid of unpleasant feelings, express negative emotions and forgive past grievances (real or imagined) can become an important element in the prevention and overcoming of diseases. We feel stress not only at the moment when we experience a certain event that contributes to the formation of negative emotions, but also every time we remember this event. As our own research and the work of others shows, such “delayed” stress and the tension associated with it can have a strong negative impact on the natural defense systems of the body. At the very beginning, such feelings can be absolutely justified, but in the future, continuing to carry them "in oneself", a person will have to pay for this with increased physiological and emotional stress. If these feelings are present in you, then first of all you will have to recognize that none other than yourself is the main source of stress.

But it is one thing to believe in the need to get rid of offenses, to forgive them, and quite another to learn how to do it.

Various spiritual mentors and representatives of various philosophical schools at all times spoke about the need for forgiveness. It is unlikely that they would pay so much attention to this problem if forgiveness was easy. But on the other hand, they wouldn't offer it if it wasn't possible.

In Emmett Fox's book Sermon on the Mount» a specific practical method helping a person to forgive. Its essence is to imagine a person with whom you hold a grudge, and imagine that something good happens to him. As you mentally repeat this process over and over again, especially if you recreate stressful situation, it becomes easier to imagine that something good is happening to this person, and as a result you begin to feel better about him. Forming mental images to overcome resentment will help the unresolved feelings that live in you to be released. After patients are freed from resentment towards other people, the last man whom they forgive is themselves. According to the results of objective psychological tests, after long-term use This method in patients reduces the desire to suppress and deny their emotions.

It may happen that, while working to overcome resentments, patients find that no matter how hard they try, they cannot forgive a certain person. Usually this means that in a negative feeling towards him, some benefit is hidden for them and they have some benefit from it. Perhaps resentment allows them to remain a victim, that is, to play a certain role that gives them reason to feel sorry for themselves and at the same time not take responsibility for changing their lives. Thus, in order to come to terms with the behavior of someone else, you have to very carefully consider your own. If you can forgive yourself, you can forgive others. If it is difficult to forgive others, then this is most often due to the fact that it is difficult to extend forgiveness to oneself.

By directing the energy associated with resentment into constructive solutions, a person takes a step towards leading the life he wants. And this, in turn, strengthens the body's ability to fight cancer and dramatically improves the quality of life.

Some scientists suggest that in oncological patients there was a violation of communication with the resources of the unconscious. In our experience, many recovered patients eventually come to the conclusion that their illness was, in part, a signal that they need to pay more attention to their unconscious self, rather than what others expect of them. Many patients have reported special insights, feelings, dreams, or images through which they acquired very important knowledge necessary on the path to recovery of health.

In order for patients to connect with their deepest source of healing and strength, they are trained to work with the Inner Guide. By mentally evoking the image of the Inner Guide, they gain access to their unconscious.

For the first time, work with the Inner Mentor was applied in psychotherapy by the psychoanalytic school of Jung (Jung called him Wise Being). Jung said that sometimes during meditation or a state of thought, images arise that exist, as it were, on their own, independently.

For many people, the Inner Mentor takes the form of some respected authoritative person (an old wise woman or a wise man, a doctor, a religious figure), with whom you can conduct an internal dialogue, ask questions and listen to answers that seem to go beyond the conscious human abilities.

Moreover, patients often respond better to the insights that come to them during a conversation with the Inner Guide than to the observations of the therapist. Because the Inner Guide is none other than part of their self, trust in such a leader - healthy step towards taking responsibility for their own physical and mental health.

In patients, the Inner Guide usually takes on the form of either some respected person or some other figure of great symbolic significance. Dr. Bresler, who works at the clinic at medical college Los Angeles University and pain specialist often asks his patients to turn to the Inner Guide for pain relief. At the same time, he invites them to imagine him in the form of some funny little animals like Freddy the Frog.

In the process of recovery important role mental images play, in particular they should give a visualization of the fact that:

Cancer cells are quite weak and do not have a rigid structure;

Healing is powerful and powerful;

The army of leukocytes is huge and far exceeds the number of cancer cells, etc.;

The clarity of leukocytes should exceed the clarity of expression cancer cells. Often, the properties that leukocytes are endowed with reflect the psychological difficulties facing people;

Therapeutic treatment is a friend and ally.

It is necessary to reward the remedies with some specific features, to make them an assistant and a friend who helps to cope with the disease.

The main task is to recover, and therefore it is very important how the patient imagines the return of health, vitality and energy. He should try to imagine that he achieves his goals and this gives him pleasure.

One of milestones in the process of recovery of a cancer patient is overcoming pain. Scientists still do not know exactly what causes pain and how it connects the body and psyche, and which part of it is determined by physical and which by psychological causes. At the same time, there is a whole system that helps to overcome acute painful sensations. Physical pain sometimes performs several psychological functions at once. A cancer patient may believe that the "benefits" of the disease, in the form of increased love and attention from others, the ability to get away from an unpleasant situation, etc., are more due to his suffering from pain than just the fact itself malignant disease- after all, the pain reminds of the disease with such obviousness.

Since pain is often associated with fear and tension, many patients find that when they begin regular relaxation and visualization exercises, the pain decreases.

When working with pain, it is necessary to help patients understand the role of emotional moments, ask them to pay attention to when and why pain occurs, what determines its intensity, under what conditions the patient does not experience it at all or almost completely, to realize how he himself contributes to pain.

Pain is never constant, although patients often describe it as such. If they began to record their pain, they would find that there are times when it completely leaves them, when the pain is minimal and when it has different intensity. It would be good for them to follow their thoughts and events in life at each of these moments.

Psychologists, considering together with patients the emotional components that contribute to the occurrence of pain, simultaneously apply three ways to directly deal with pain with the help of mental images:

1. A visual representation of the healing powers of the organism itself

Target this exercise- help a person mobilize healing powers body and send them to the sore spot to eliminate existing violations and thus reduce the pain.

2. Making a connection with pain.

With pain, as with the Inner Guide, you can connect and have a mental conversation. In both cases, there is an opportunity to learn a lot about the emotional components of pain and illness. No one can name the cause of the patient's troubles better than he himself.

Another way to reduce pain is to imagine what it looks like. Like the first exercise, this method is aimed at strengthening faith in one's own ability to control the processes occurring in the body.

3.Visual representation of pain.

Some of the patients have discovered perhaps the most productive way: they try to replace the pain with some pleasure. They noticed that if, when pain appears, to do something pleasant, bringing joy, the pain weakens or even disappears altogether.

The effectiveness of assistance to cancer patients increases if not only patients, but also their husbands or wives take part in the psychological program, and if there are none, then the closest family members. The support of the husband, wife, and family often determines how well the patient will be able to cope with all this. Another, no less significant, reason is that the spouses and families of patients often need support no less than the patients themselves.

Every family that has a cancer patient wants to help him and feels responsible for his support. At the same time, it is very important that the relatives of the patient do not forget about their own needs and give the patient the opportunity to be responsible for his own health. Therefore, it is very important that in the family he is treated as a responsible person, and not as a helpless child or a victim.

The phrase: “I will be with you” is the most important thing. No persuasion and good words do not go in comparison with the fact that you will be together with a loved one, regardless of how old he is. Support without trying to "save". At first glance, by “saving” someone, you are helping this person, but in fact you are only encouraging his weakness and impotence. This contributes to the fact that all family members are impaired in the ability to sincerely express their feelings.

Just as dangerous is the desire to protect the patient from other difficulties, for example, not to tell him that his son or daughter is not doing well at school. If something is hidden from the patient, believing that “it’s already not sweet for him”, this alienates him from the family at the very moment when it is very important for him to feel this connection and take part in common affairs. Intimacy between people arises when they share their feelings. As soon as feelings begin to hide, intimacy is lost.

The patient can also take on the role of "savior". Most often this happens when he "protects" those around him, hiding his fears and anxieties from them. At this point, he begins to feel especially lonely. Sometimes this leads to the fact that the patient's relatives retain painful experiences after he has recovered or died.

If you find that instead of helping, you are "saving" someone, remember: the patient's life depends on how much he can use the resources of his own body. Promote health, not disease. Your love and support should serve as a reward for the patient for independence and independence, and not for weakness. Do not deprive him of the opportunity to take care of himself. Be sure to pay attention to any improvement in the patient's condition. Engage with him in some activity that is not related to the disease.

If a person has cancer, this does not mean that he should stop rejoicing. On the contrary, the more joys life brings to a person, the more efforts he will make to stay alive.

Literature:

1. D. Bugental. The Science of Being Alive: Dialogues between Therapists and Patients in Humanistic Therapy. - M.: Independent firm "Class", 2007.

2. K. Simonton, S. Simonton. Cancer psychotherapy. - St. Petersburg: Peter, 2001.

3. N. A. Magazanik. The art of communicating with patients. - M.: Medicine, 1991.

4. I.V. Lewandowski. Guide to preventive medicine. Recommendations for mental help cancer patients. - M.: Medicine, 1995.

5. N.N. Blinov, I.P. Khomyakov, N.B. Shipovnikov. On the attitude of cancer patients to their diagnosis.//Questions of oncology.- 1990.- №8.

6. N.A. Rusina. Emotions and stress in oncological diseases // World of Psychology. Scientific - methodical journal. - 2002. - No. 4.

7. A.V. Chaklin. Psychological aspects Oncology // Issues of oncology - 1992. - No. 7.

You have learned that you or a person close to you has been diagnosed with an oncological pathology and a diagnosis has been made that violates your plans, inspires anxiety and uncertainty... Do not give in to these feelings, because now you especially need all your spiritual strength, a clear mind and the will to deal with the danger.

Rule number 1. In the beginning there was a word

Rule number 2. Choice of interlocutor

Choose it carefully. Beware of those who like to gasp at other people's difficulties, and even add fuel to the fire by starting to tell you many sad examples that, as you understand, do not apply to you at all! You need a reasonable and active interlocutor, which, first of all, can be your doctor or psychologist.

Close people. Among close people, you also need interlocutors. And here, first of all, it is not knowledge or even organizational skills that are important. (although later, it may be important for you to have a mobile person in your inner circle, active, ready to practically help in solving current issues). First of all, talk to those to whom you are really dear, who are attached to you. Feel how they worry about you, because our loved ones often worry even about the common cold, and you know that their fear is not a characteristic of the danger of the disease, but simply an expression of their love and care. It is important for you to understand that they need you. Let this be an incentive to forget about work, household chores for a while and clearly follow the doctor's instructions.

Doctor. Carefully ask your doctor what action you need to take. Perhaps he will give you real statistics on your type of disease - but in fact, no matter what the “grandmothers on the bench” sometimes say, oncology today has several dozen diagnoses that are recognized all over the world (and in Russia too) 100% curable. It is possible that we are not yet talking about a diagnosis, but only about the first suspicion, which requires additional tests and checks.

Rule number 3. Time factor

In oncology, as in any field of medicine, time is an important factor, and here it is important not to pull and not torturing yourself with doubts - do I really need this? - to do everything additional actions fast, accurate and timely. Doctors often rush you, not because everything is already bad, but just because right now they see good prospects for treatment. In addition, scientists develop diagnostic and treatment standards solely to achieve positive outcome. A cancer diagnosis does not always mean a path to a chronic, relapsing disease, often you just need to spend on treatment certain time. But this time is usually very significant, we can talk about several months, and from here ...

Rule number 4. You are a full and active participant in the treatment process

First of all, you need to gather strength, analyze your resources. We are talking primarily about psychological resources. In the book of A.I. Solzhenitsyn "Cancer Ward" main character, the prototype of which was the author himself, during the treatment he inspires each cancer cell that they are being destroyed, that they will no longer be. It may be worth listening to the writer's experience: being hospitalized with the most difficult diagnosis, unable to pass complete treatment, he, including the strength of his conviction, overcame the disease so much that it did not give relapses throughout his life - and after all, A.I. Solzhenitsyn is far from 80 years old.

Rule number 5. Learn to control yourself

Psychologists believe that it is very dangerous to take the disease as constituent part yourself, to "let" her into your life. Considering the nature of oncological disease, our body has already made a mistake by mistaking cells that are to die for new and valuable elements of its structure, which it actively nourishes and grows (it is on this “failure” that the spread of tumor cells is built). Therefore, our psyche must be actively tuned to the rejection of the disease, the rejection of the tumor. Do not consider that this problem has entered your life forever. Think about what will happen after the stage of treatment - believe that such a time will come - think about what you want to come to, what to achieve. The believer wins - this must be remembered always and everywhere, and not only in illness.

Rule number 6. Situation control

Another important resource is organizational. Be businesslike about your treatment plans. Determine on the basis of medical institution You will pass it, find out what additional features and social benefits you have (many background information contained directly on our website). And, of course, consult who can help you practically.

Rule number 7. I work, I fight, I live

It may happen that at first you will not have enough information about future prospects and opportunities. Therefore, your actions additional consultations and diagnostics. Often the first words about a suspicion of an oncological disease can be told to you by a therapist or an ultrasound doctor, and not all doctors of these specialties are fully familiar with difficult cases when the cause for doubt they have noticed may look like a tumor, but not at all. Do not rush to psychics, astrologers and traditional healers etc. You will most likely be deceived.

Find a qualified doctor, preferably in a specialized oncology institution, and take the time and effort to carefully check all doubts. Our site also gives recommendations on which hospitals and oncology clinics in your city are the best experts on these issues. Learn from them new information, think over all aspects of the next steps. Trust the oncologist, oncology departments and hospitals work qualified specialists. This specialization requires scientific thinking, great experience and compassion. Every year in the world appear the latest technology treatments for which our oncologists undergo special training courses, so their knowledge is now an important resource for you!. Fight with doctors.

Life. Sometimes during an illness it seems to us that it has separated us from the usual circle of people, concerns, interests, and thus made us lonely. Life is divided into time "before" and "after" diagnosis. But often we make ourselves so lonely. Look for those who can help you, and you will see that there are many such people. Save "clear head", do not entrust your fate to either vague fears or importunate "wizards". After all, this is your life, you have it, it continues, and, although next to you whole army doctors, whole batteries of medicines, whole legions of inventions modern science You are the commander of this army.

Find answers

And it is possible to find all these resources: our site was created for this. Ask your questions here, get acquainted with examples successful treatment, with numbers of positive statistics, learn more about the achievements of medicine. Your "neighbours" on this site there are doctors, and their active participation in our project is proof of how much domestic doctors care about the problems of oncology, how great is their desire to more effectively and successfully treat each person affected by this disease.

Telephone psychological help 8–800–100–0191
A call within Russia is free, consultation around the clock.

“A woman calls me and says: “Doctors have diagnosed my mother with cancer. How can I tell her about this? She doesn’t know anything, ”says a psychologist, oncologist, founder of a group for helping people with disabilities, about a case from her practice. cancer"Live" Inna Malash.

Inna Malash. Photo from the archive of the heroine of the publication.

- I ask: "What do you yourself feel, how do you experience this event?" The answer is crying. After a pause: “I didn’t think I felt so much. The main thing was to support my mother.”

But only after you touch your feelings, the answer to the question will appear: how and when to talk with your mother.

The experiences of relatives and cancer patients are the same: fear, pain, despair, impotence... They can be replaced by hope and determination, and then come back again. But relatives often deny themselves the right to feel: “This is bad for my loved one - he is sick, it is more difficult for him than for me.” It seems that your emotions are easier to control and ignore. After all, it is so difficult to be near when a close, dear and beloved person is crying. When he is scared and talks about death. I want to stop him, calm him down, assure him that everything will be fine. And it is at this point that either closeness or detachment begins.

What cancer patients really expect from their loved ones and how relatives do not destroy their lives in an attempt to save someone else's - in our conversation.

The best thing is to be yourself

- Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression - loved ones and a cancer patient go through the same stages of accepting a diagnosis. But the periods of residence of stages in a cancer patient and her relatives may not coincide. And then the feelings enter into dissonance. At this moment, when there are no or very few resources for support, it is difficult to understand and agree with the desires of another.

Then relatives are looking for information on how to “correctly” speak with a person who has oncology. This “correct” is necessary for loved ones as a support - you want to protect native person, protect from painful experiences, do not face your own impotence. But the paradox is that there is no "correct" one. Everyone will have to look for their own unique way of understanding in the dialogue. And this is not easy, because cancer patients develop a special sensitivity, a special perception of words. The best thing is to be yourself. This is probably the hardest one.

“I know for sure: you need to change the treatment regimen / nutrition / attitude to life - and you will get better”

Why do loved ones like to give such advice? The answer is obvious - to do what is best - to keep the situation under control, to correct it. In fact: relatives and friends who are faced with the fear of death and their own vulnerability, with the help of these tips, want to control tomorrow and all subsequent days. This helps to cope with their own anxiety and impotence.

When giving advice on treatment, lifestyle, nutrition, relatives mean: “I love you. I'm afraid to lose you. I really want to help you, I'm looking for options and I want you to try everything to make it easier for you. And the cancer patient hears: “I know exactly what you need!”. And then the woman feels that no one takes into account her desires, everyone knows better what to do with her ... As if she is an inanimate object. As a result, the cancer patient becomes isolated and withdraws from loved ones.

"Be strong!"

What do we mean when we say to a cancer patient “hold on!” or "be strong!"? In other words, we want to tell her: “I want you to live and overcome the disease!”. And she hears this phrase differently: “You are alone in this struggle. You have no right to be afraid, to be weak! At this moment, she feels isolation, loneliness - her experiences are not accepted.

"Take it easy"

From early childhood, we are taught to control our feelings: "Do not rejoice too much, no matter how much you have to cry", "Do not be afraid, you are already big." But they do not teach to be near those who experience strong feelings: cries or gets angry, talks about his fears, especially the fear of death.

And at this moment it usually sounds: “Don't cry! Take it easy! Don't talk nonsense! What have you got in your head?"

We want to avoid the avalanche of grief, and the cancer patient hears: “You can’t behave like that, I don’t accept you like that, you are alone.” She feels guilty and ashamed - why share this if loved ones do not accept her feelings.

"You look good!"

“You look good!”, or “You can’t tell that you are sick” - it seems natural to compliment a woman who is going through the ordeal of an illness with a compliment. We want to say: “You are doing great, you have remained yourself! I want to cheer you up." And a woman who is undergoing chemotherapy sometimes feels after these words like a simulator who needs to prove her point. bad feeling. It would be great to give compliments and at the same time ask about how she really feels.

"Everything will be fine"

In this phrase, it is easy for a person who is sick to feel that the other is not interested in how things really are. After all, a cancer patient has a different reality, today he is unknown, difficult treatment, recovery period. Relatives seem to need positive attitudes. But they repeat them out of their own fear and anxiety. “Everything will be fine” the cancer patient perceives with deep sadness, and she does not want to share what is in her heart.

Talk about your fears

As a kitten named Gav said: “Let's be afraid together!”. It is very difficult to be frank: “Yes, I am also very scared. But I’m there”, “I also feel pain and want to share it with you”, “I don’t know how it will be, but I hope for our future.” If it's a friend: “I'm so sorry this happened. Tell me, will you be supported if I call you or write to you? I can whine, complain."

Not only words can be healing, but also silence. Just imagine how much it is: when there is someone nearby who accepts all your pain, doubts, sorrows and all the despair that you have. Does not say “calm down”, does not promise that “everything will be fine”, and does not tell how it is for others. He is just there, he holds your hand, and you feel his sincerity.

Talking about death is as hard as talking about love.

Yes, it is very scary to hear from a loved one the phrase: "I'm afraid to die." The first reaction is to object: “Well, what are you!”. Or stop: "Don't even talk about it!". Or ignore: "Let's go better breathe the air, eat healthy food and restore leukocytes.

But this does not stop the cancer patient from thinking about death. She will just experience it alone, alone with herself.

It is more natural to ask: “What do you think about death? How do you feel about it? What do you want and how do you see it? After all, thoughts about death are thoughts about life, about the time that you want to spend on the most valuable and important.

In our culture, death and everything connected with it - funerals, preparations for them - is a taboo topic. Recently, one of the cancer patients said: “I must be crazy, but I want to talk to my husband about what kind of funeral I want.” Why abnormal? I see in this concern for loved ones - the living. After all, that very “last will” is most needed by the living. There is so much unspoken love in it - it is as difficult to talk about it as about death.

And if a loved one with cancer wants to talk to you about death, do it. Of course, this is incredibly difficult: at this moment, your fear of death is very strong - that is why you want to get away from such a conversation. But all feelings, including fear, pain, despair, have their own volume. And they end when you speak them. Cohabitation such uneasy feelings makes our life authentic.

Cancer and children

It seems to many that children do not understand anything when loved ones are sick. They don't really understand everything. But on the other hand, everyone feels, catches the slightest changes in the family and is in great need of explanations. And if there is no explanation, they begin to show their anxiety: phobias, nightmares, aggression, poor performance at school, going to computer games. Often this is the only way for the child to convey what he is also going through. But adults often do not understand this immediately, because life has changed a lot - a lot of worries, a lot of emotions. And then they begin to shame: “Yes, how are you behaving, mom is already so bad, but you ...”. Or blame: “Because you did this, mom got even worse.”

Adults can be distracted, support themselves with their hobbies, going to the theater, meeting with friends. And children are deprived of this opportunity due to their small life experience. It’s good if they somehow win back their fears and loneliness: they draw horror films, graves and crosses, play funerals ... But in this case, how do adults react? They are scared, confused and do not know what to say to the child.

"Mom just left"

I know a case when a preschool child was not explained what was happening with his mother. Mom was sick, and the disease progressed. The parents decided not to injure the child, rented an apartment - and the child began to live with his grandmother. They explained to him simply - my mother left. While mom was alive, she called him, and then, when she died, dad returned. The boy was not at the funeral, but he sees: grandmother is crying, dad is not able to talk to him, from time to time everyone leaves somewhere, they are silent about something, they moved and changed Kindergarten. What does he feel? Despite all the assurances of mother's love - betrayal on her part, a lot of anger. Strong resentment that he was abandoned. Loss of contact with his loved ones - he feels: they are hiding something from him, and he no longer trusts them. Isolation - no one to talk to about your feelings, because everyone is immersed in their experiences and no one explains what happened. I do not know how the fate of this boy turned out, but I never managed to convince the father to talk to the child about his mother. It was not possible to convey that children are very worried and often blame themselves when incomprehensible changes occur in the family. I know what for small child this is a very heavy loss. But grief subsides when it is divided. He didn't have that opportunity.

“You can’t have fun - mom is sick”

Because adults do not ask children about how they feel, do not explain the changes at home, children begin to look for the reason in themselves. One boy, junior school student, hears only that her mother is sick - you need to be quiet and not upset her in any way.

And this boy tells me: “Today I played with my friends at school, it was fun. And then I remembered - my mother is sick, I can’t have fun!

What should be said to the child in this situation? “Yes, mom is sick - and it’s very sad, but it’s great that you have friends! It's great that you had fun and that you can tell your mom something nice when you get home."

We talked with him, 10 years old, not only about joy, but about envy, about anger towards others when they do not understand what is happening to him and how things are at his place. About how sad and lonely he is. I felt that with me a little boy rather a wise adult.

"How are you behaving?!"

I remember a teenage boy who heard somewhere that cancer is transmitted by airborne droplets. None of the adults talked to him about it, did not say that it was not so. And when his mother wanted to hug him, he recoiled and said: "Don't hug me, I don't want to die later."

And adults condemned him very much: “How are you behaving! How cowardly you are! It's your mom!"

The boy was left alone with all his experiences. How much pain, guilt before his mother and unexpressed love he has left.

I explained to my family: his reaction is natural. He is not a child, but not yet an adult! Despite the male voice and mustache! It is very difficult to live such a great loss on your own. I ask my father: “What do you think about death?”. And I understand that he himself is afraid even to utter the word death. What is easier to deny than to admit its existence, its powerlessness before it. There is so much pain in this, so much fear, sadness and despair, that he wants to silently lean on his son. It is impossible to rely on a frightened teenager - and therefore such words flew out. I really believe that they were able to talk to each other and find mutual support in their grief.

cancer and parents

Elderly parents often live in their own information field, where the word "cancer" is tantamount to death. They begin to mourn their child immediately after they find out his diagnosis - they come, are silent and cry.

This causes great anger in a sick woman - after all, she is alive and focused on the fight. But she feels that her mother does not believe in her recovery. I remember one of my cancer patients said to her mother: “Mom, go away. I didn't die. You mourn me like I'm dead, but I'm alive."

The second extreme: if there is a remission, the parents are sure that there was no cancer. “I know that Lucy had cancer - so immediately to the next world, and you pah-pah-pah, you’ve been living for five years already - as if the doctors were wrong!”. This causes great resentment: my struggle has been devalued. I went through a difficult path, and my mother cannot appreciate it and accept it.

cancer and men

From childhood, boys are brought up strong: do not cry, do not complain, be a support. Men feel like fighters on the front line: even among friends, it is difficult for them to talk about what they feel because of their wife's illness. They want to run away - for example, from the room of the woman they love - because their own container of emotions is full. It is also difficult for them to meet her emotions - anger, tears, impotence.

They try to control their condition by distancing, going to work, sometimes alcohol. A woman perceives this as indifference and betrayal. It often happens that this is not the case at all. These eyes outwardly calm men give away all the pain they can't express.

Men show love and care in their own way: they take care of everything. Clean the house, do homework with the child, bring your favorite food, go to another country for medicine. But just sitting next to her, taking her hand and seeing her tears, even if they are tears of gratitude, is unbearably difficult. They don't seem to have the stamina for that. Women so need warmth and presence that they begin to reproach them for callousness, say that they have moved away, demand attention. And the man moves away even more.

Husbands of cancer patients rarely visit a psychologist. Often just asking how to behave with a wife in such difficult situation. Sometimes, before talking about his wife's illness, they can talk about anything - work, children, friends. They need time to start a story about something that really deeply cares about. I am very grateful to them for their courage: there is no greater courage than to confess sadness and impotence.

The actions of the husbands of cancer patients who wanted to support their wives aroused my admiration. For example, in order to support their wife during chemotherapy, husbands also cut their heads or shaved mustaches, which they valued more than hair, because they had not parted with them since they were 18 years old.

You cannot be responsible for the feelings and lives of others.

Why are we afraid of the emotions of a cancer patient? In fact, we are afraid to face our feelings that will arise when a loved one starts talking about pain, suffering, fear. Everyone responds with their own pain, not the pain of someone else. Indeed, when beloved and dear person hurt, you may experience powerlessness and despair, shame and guilt. But they are yours! And your responsibility is how to deal with them - to suppress, ignore or live. Feeling is the ability to be alive. It's not the other's fault that you feel it. And vice versa. You cannot be responsible for other people's feelings and for their lives.

Why is she silent about the diagnosis

Does a cancer patient have the right not to tell her family about her illness? Yes. This is her personal decision. this moment. Then she may change her mind, but now it is. There may be reasons for this.

Care and love. Fear of being hurt. She does not want to hurt you, dear and close.

Feelings of guilt and shame. Often, cancer patients feel guilty for being sick, for everyone worrying, and who knows what else! .. And they also feel a great sense of shame: she turned out to be “not like she should be, not like others - healthy” , and she needs time to experience these very difficult feelings.

Fear that they will not hear and will insist on their own. Of course, one could honestly say: “I am sick, I am very worried and I want to be alone now, but I appreciate and love you.” But this sincerity is more difficult for many than silence, because often there is a negative experience.

Why is she refusing treatment?

Death is a great savior when we don't accept our life as it is. This fear of life can be conscious and unconscious. And perhaps this is one of the reasons why women refuse treatment when the chances of remission are high.

A woman I know had stage 1 breast cancer and refused treatment. Death for her was more preferable than surgery, scars, chemo and hair loss. This was the only way to solve difficult relationships with parents and with a close man.

Sometimes they refuse treatment because they are afraid of difficulties and pain - they begin to believe sorcerers and charlatans who promise guaranteed and more easy way come into remission.

I understand how unbearably difficult it is for those close to us in this case, but all we can do is express our disagreement, talk about how sad and painful we are. But at the same time remember: the life of another does not belong to us.

Why Fear Doesn't Go Away When Remission Comes

Fear is a natural feeling. And it is not in human power to get rid of it completely, especially when it comes to the fear of death. From the fear of death, the fear of relapse is also born, when everything seems to be in order - the person is in remission.

But taking death into account, you begin to live in accordance with your desires. Finding your own dosage of happiness - I think this is one of the ways to treat cancer - to help official medicine. It is quite possible that we fear death for nothing, because it enriches our lives with something really worthwhile - genuine life. After all, life is what is happening right now, in the present. In the past - memories, in the future - dreams.

Understanding our own finiteness, we make a choice in favor of our life, where we call a spade a spade, do not try to change what is impossible to change, and do not put off anything for later. Do not be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.