How does the illness of a loved one affect the health? When a loved one is sick

1. Avoid insincerity in communication with the patient

Often we avoid contact with a person with deadly disease because we do not know what words to choose in a conversation. The truth and the true state of things scare us, so we turn the conversation to extraneous topics. Stop: you will bring more benefit the patient, if he feels your living sympathy. If it is, then the correct words will be chosen. Moreover, the conversation is the only way communication, there are kisses, hugs, touches and just silence.

Also, let the person talk. Sometimes it is worth even trying to talk to him. The fact is that, hourly and daily thinking about the same problem, the patient begins to intimidate himself. No wonder they said in the old days: "What is said - it flew away." Often, when expressing a problem, we not only get rid of, but we ourselves begin to better understand that we exaggerate too much. If a person has found out about a serious diagnosis, then he cannot be allowed to be fixated only on it. But at the same time, he should not be allowed to live as if nothing had happened, refusing to accept the problem and begin treatment. There is a fine line here.

2. Bet on partnerships

compassion and over-concern ineffective. Above all, love and partnerships are needed. If you take on your shoulders both duties and responsibility for a dying person, you will deprive him of the strength to act on his own, to fight. It is no secret that loved ones who care too much about the patient are most often driven by selfish interests: how to quickly manage everything in order to avoid unnecessary trouble. Think first about the other person, how it will be better for him.

3. Let the patient know they are still valuable.

It is difficult for both relatives and the patient himself to realize the inevitability of the outcome, reinforcing this with fears: how much time is left, how will the death happen, what will happen to relatives, etc.? Do not mentally bury a person in serious condition, live here and now, because while there is an opportunity to meet, talk sincerely, discuss exciting things, enjoy communication and each other's company. With your attitude, show your loved one that his opinion is now important to you, include it in the decision important issues, consult, try to entertain and distract from oppressive thoughts.

4. Be prepared for frequent mood swings

Keep in mind that a person with a terrible diagnosis goes through several stages of mental state: shock, aggression, acceptance of his condition. For example, at the stage of shock, the patient needs support, participation and attention. In a state of aggression, the patient must be given the opportunity to express his feelings. The stage of depression is dangerous to treat with drugs: by artificially removing the patient from a depressive state, you deprive him of the possibility of realizing the real state of things, which will deprive him of the strength to fight and hope for a good outcome.

5. Care must be reasonable

Having plunged headlong into the problems of a terminally ill loved one, taking on all the worries about looking after him, you run the risk of overstraining and exhausting - both physically and mentally. Therefore, there is a danger of leaving a person in need of you completely unattended. Of course, a lot of work and patience must be invested in caring for the sick, but care must first of all be reasonable, and also given with joy and love.

Psychologists also advise: in no case encourage a person to feel sorry for himself. Let the patient understand how important he is to you, but if he only engages in “pitying” himself ( a short time this is possible due to human psychology, but not always), then there will be no question of accepting one’s state.

6. Hope for the best outcome

Even if a seriously ill patient refuses treatment, believing that his days are numbered, do not lose hope for a better outcome. Very often, a person who is confident in the futility of the procedures just wants to hear the opposite from you: they will save him, hope is alive. So become a conductor of faith and striving for the unfortunate. Miraculous healings happen, the main thing is to remember this.

The most important thing in communicating with a seriously ill person is to remember that the state of mind of a loved one directly depends on your mood, emotions and feelings. Therefore, if you feel that you are not coping with the moral burden, seek help from the right specialists and other relatives.

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If a loved one is seriously ill: 17 important things to do

Illness is something that can suddenly happen to anyone. Mom / dad / sister / brother / husband / friend / child is sick - what to do? What to do? How to find a clinic? Run to the fund? Varvara Turova has collected 8 vital recommendations.

Trust but verify

After receiving the diagnosis, double-check it with two other doctors. Contact specific doctors you've heard of good feedback from acquaintances.

Don't read horror stories

Do not read medical forums and do not ask questions on them. Don't waste time on different kind unverified information. It is better to immediately turn to real professionals.

act

Give absolutely everything medical tests that are related to your illness. Those 3 doctors with whom you will double-check your diagnosis will tell you if any of the tests is missing. Do everything. Most likely in Israel or Germany, etc. You will be required to take tests there. Depends on clinic and doctor. Some doctors have no confidence in Russian analyzes.

get ready

Transfer all analyzes to English language– you need to do this with the help of a professional medical translator. AT different countries analyzes can be called absolutely differently, and a technically accurate (literal) translation may not give you anything.

Don't waste time

Scan all of your medical documents. You can just take a picture of them with your phone (if you manage to make this photo large and really clear at the same time - so that doctors who, for example, will consult you online, can easily read what is written on it without wading through the shortcomings of the photo ).

Explore

Do a research on which of the clinics in the world is considered to specialize in your particular disease. Keep in mind that in America, most clinics will be much more expensive than in Germany, and in Germany it will most likely be more expensive than in Israel.

Learn all about treatment in Russia

It is possible that in Russia they can cope well with your disease. As practice shows, there are few such cases (I hope that everyone will not be offended by me Russian doctors, among which there are real geniuses, and wonderful honest people, etc.). But such cases still exist.

Contact trusted clinics

It is known that with oncological diseases know how to handle well in Israel. Here are just a few of the definitely good, world-famous (and this is not always the same) clinics:

• Sheba Medical Center - neurosurgery (Dr. Feldman), radiology, cardiac surgery,
• Hadassah Ein Kerem Medical Center - people often come here for hemato-oncology, but of course, the clinic also deals with other things,
• Assuta is not state, but private clinic and foreigners (non-Israeli citizens) can get into it easier. True, it can be more expensive. But the reputation of the hospital is one of the best,
• Edith Wolfson Medical Center treats breast cancer well,
• At the Saint-Luc clinic (Belgium), to which I heard great amount claims from various acquaintances and acquaintances of acquaintances, nevertheless, small children with liver diseases are treated - and this is almost the only place in the world that
• The clinic “Universitätsklinikum Carl Gustav Cars” is highly praised. Klinik und Poliklinik für Frauenheilkunde und Geburtshilfe” in Dresden,
• HMC (Herzliya, private),
• Asaf HaRofe (near Rishon Lezion),
• Rabin Medical Center (Petah Tikva),
• Schneider (Petah Tikva, children's hospital),
• Meir (Kfar Saba),
• Rambam (Haifa)
• Adas (Jerusalem),
• Magpie (Beersheba),
• Kaplan (Rehovot),
• Clalit is a health insurance fund that unites several hospitals: Rabin, Soroca, Meir, Carmel, Ha-Emek, Kaplan, Yoseftal, Levinstein, Schneider,
• The most popular hospitals among medical tourists are: Shiva, Ichilov, Adas, Asuta (according to the Ministry of Health).

Get prices right away

Overwhelming majority good clinics usually does not issue any bills until your personal consultation with a specialist. In the sense that you do not have to wait until you send your tests to the clinic, they will immediately tell you how much the treatment will cost.

Take advantage of the position

As for visas - they are "medical". They say that getting them is easier and faster than a tourist one.

Get ready to spend

Even when the clinic bills you, don't expect the amount it says won't change. AT rare cases treatment costs less than planned. In most cases, more. Much depends on how your body will respond to the treatment, of course.

Medical tourism to help you

Every major clinic has a “medical tourism” department, and this department has its own section on the website. In many cases (if we are talking about Israel), this page is in Russian - this is just one example.

Contact trusted brokers

In medical tourism, it is very common to turn to “intermediaries”. That is, people who will professionally help you in all negotiations with clinics and doctors. It happens that these people really save lives and fight for their client. It happens that they are not clean at hand and will pull a lot of money out of you. Contact only a trusted intermediary. Such a person can really make the whole process easier for you.

Don't Forget the Additional Costs

Do not forget to add to the amount of treatment the cost of housing (in most cases, people who are treated in Israel rent apartments there. This, unfortunately, is not cheap at all) and food (not cheap in any of the countries that have good medicine).

Contact specialized funds

If you cannot choose a clinic and decide how best to proceed, you can consult with employees charitable foundations- even if they can't help you with money (or if you don't need financial help) - they can probably tell you how best to proceed. For example, you can write to the “Give Life” fund - [email protected]

Ask for help

Instructions on how best to proceed if you need to raise money is

Hello dear reader! A serious illness of a loved one becomes a test not only for himself, but also for relatives. Life seems to be divided into two parts: before and after. The first is happy, cloudless, with plans and dreams of a wonderful future. The second is gloomy and gray, with depressive thoughts and endless visits to doctors. When this “after” comes, it is very important not to break down and hold on to the last. But how do you find strength in yourself? How to become a source of comfort? Do not burn out and reach the end?

Serious diagnosis - awareness and acceptance

Cancer, hepatitis, HIV. It does not matter what serious diagnosis the patient heard. The reaction is always the same - stupor and denial. A person does not want to believe that something terrible has happened to him. Don't be surprised if your relative starts claiming the doctors are wrong. Or he will refuse treatment, arguing that he is in perfect order.

It will also be hard for you when a loved one is sick. But try to be the first to accept the fact that the diagnosis is true. And you have to fight the disease. Do not put pressure on a loved one and give him time to come to terms. Understand what is really happening. Just try to gently persuade your husband or parent to pass additional examinations or a course of treatment prescribed by a doctor. After all, humility sometimes stretches for weeks or even months. And with symptoms serious illnesses can't be slow.

Do not be surprised if your cheerful and optimistic father turns into an obedient doll for a while. Will silently walk with you through the offices. Listen to the recommendations of experts with a blind eye. Just try to be there. Do not give ghostly hopes or promise that he will definitely get better. And wait for the person to accept the situation.

Do not be afraid if a relative constantly repeats that he does not have cancer, but ordinary beriberi. Or silently cry for days and refuse to eat and communicate with others. Everyone perceives grief differently. You just do not let a sick father or husband go headlong into his own world. And don't pretend like nothing happened.

It's hard and painful. But the disease must be accepted. Polite smiles and small talk about trifles are also useful, but after a relative decides to fight to the last. Or accept the inevitable. Don't have illusions about misdiagnosis and a global conspiracy, because until acceptance comes, a person will not be able to move to the second level, bringing him closer to recovery.

Anger and aggression

One day the patient wakes up in the hospital or his own bed and realizes: "This is my reality." Droppers, pills, regular tests, weakness and gloomy silence of doctors. He finally understands that the disease really captured his body. And then comes the second phase - anger.

A person with a serious diagnosis hates the whole world. He blames everyone around him for his troubles. Relatives who made him nervous. Demanding boss, inadequate neighbors, government, doctors and just healthy people who do not need to fight cancer or hepatitis.

At the first stage, the patient is apathetic, because the body tries to protect itself from severe stress. But gradually the control weakens, and negative emotions come out. This is normal, because if a person is restrained, his state of health only worsens.

The main thing is that you are not afraid of unexpected outbursts of rage. And don't take your relative's accusations to heart. When a person realizes that he is seriously ill, and the hope of salvation is minimal, he begins to protest. He thinks: "Why should I go through these trials when other people are enjoying life?"

Show that you understand his emotions. And you recognize the right to be angry. Just try not to show sympathy at this stage. It only adds fuel to the fire and increases hatred.

Do not try to come up with sins for which the Universe or God could punish a relative. Patients with serious diagnoses often ask an invisible interlocutor why they deserve cancer, stroke or HIV. Nothing. Yes, you can remember how your husband injected himself with drugs, using one syringe for three with friends. Or how my father liked to go on a binge for 2-3 weeks, which caused cirrhosis of the liver. You can't help the sick only with revelations.

No need to talk about misdeeds or bad karma. If you want to support a person, then keep silent. Or say: “Sickness is not given for sins. It's just an accident. And you're out of luck. But it's too early to give up."

Good deal

Gradually, aggression decreases and is replaced by despair. The future seems hopeless and bleak. There is nothing ahead but suffering and death. To suppress the growing fear, the sick person begins to bargain with fate or heaven. He's trying to make a deal: "I will fulfill certain conditions, and in return I will get health and long life before old age". Well, if your relative at this stage seeks to lead correct image life. For example, refusing bad habits, feeds only useful products and fulfills all the instructions of the attending physician, without complaining about life.

Some people get so caught up in the magic deal that they refuse to take their drugs and stop going to their treatments. They fixate on a mystical recovery and firmly believe that everything will happen without traditional medicine. Some patients try to visit as much as possible more temples and churches. Kiss the icons, ask the saints for help. Others get addicted non-traditional methods treatment. Decoctions, infusions and other dubious procedures. And still others fall into the hands of sectarians and pseudo-preachers who promise healing from one touch.

If you understand that your loved one has crossed the border and faith in miraculous healing does not help, but only worsens his condition, try to talk to him. Usually, a banal fear is hidden behind excessive religiosity and hope for magic. Your relative is afraid of his illness and condition.

The patient needs to open his eyes. Show that he is driven by despair and fear of the future. As soon as your loved one understands the true motives of his actions, there will be a chance for him to return to the world of adequate people. You may need to be a little harsh. Patients with enviable obstinacy do not want to give up their own illusions. But you have to break through the defense.

Try to gently convey to the person that prayers are good, but it is better to combine them with drugs and droppers. And the relics of the saints help only those who follow the doctor's recommendations. After all, people in white coats know much more than grandmothers and shamans from some outback.

Last stage

Man in denial, angry, trying to negotiate with higher powers. And when none of the above helps, he becomes depressed. It is too normal reaction on the serious illness. The patient finally realizes that life has not changed in better side. And he will have to go through difficulties. Well, if at the end of the path shines a thin ray of hope. But not all diseases end in recovery.

The first thing you must do is give up sympathy and constant moaning. Believe me, your pitying looks and bitter lamentations will only worsen emotional condition relative. It is already difficult for him to deal with gloomy thoughts. No need to heat up the atmosphere.

Do not try to hide your despair and your own fear behind a cheerful smile and encouraging phrases. Firstly, happy people cause the patient to feel irritated and angry. Secondly, in a person with cancer or cirrhosis, only the body is affected. The brain functions normally, and the patient is aware of what is happening to him and how it ends. Fake fun only alienates you from your beloved husband, father or mother.

What can you do? Find a good psychotherapist for your relative. Unfortunately, depressive states caused by serious illnesses cannot be eliminated at home. The patient is encouraged to attend individual or group sessions that help come to terms with the diagnosis.

Learn to speak frankly about things that concern your loved one. Do not start your greeting with the phrase “How are you?”. Forget about this phrase. It makes the patient upset and fall into a stupor. What kind of cases can we talk about if he lies on the floor for days? hospital bed and attending chemotherapy? And so every day. Replace the standard phrase with the phrase: “How are you feeling?”. Just be prepared for the fact that a person wants to talk about their experiences, thoughts and fears.

What should you do at this moment? Sit close, clasping your hand, and listen, nodding your head. Let the relative throw out everything that has accumulated inside him. When a person speaks out his fears and problems, they seem to decrease and cease to torment him at least for a while.

The more you talk about frank and unpleasant topics, the faster depression recedes. Yes, sometimes you feel uncomfortable or uncomfortable. If the conversation causes you strong negative emotions, try to gently reschedule the conversation for the next time. Or offer to discuss some mundane things. Just warn your loved one that the problem is not in him, but in your suspiciousness and fatigue.

Do not promise a patient who has a minimal chance of recovery or a fatal diagnosis that everything will definitely work out for you. Do not ask to cheer up and look at the situation from a different, more optimistic angle. Such requests only alienate you from your relative, because it seems to him that no one is able to understand his feelings and share his grief.

Also, try not to compare the person with friends or your pets, who also had a tumor removed. All people are different. And at the time of illness, the sense of individuality is especially aggravated. It will be unpleasant for a husband or mother if you compare her with your colleague. Especially if a friend could not overcome the problem or remained disabled. Patients with serious diagnoses do not want to think about the bad.

Caring for a sick relative and yourself

Always remember that terrible diagnoses evoke two basic emotions in a person: fear and the desire to survive. Some patients just after the news about incurable disease begin to think about the meaning of life. They are looking for information that can comfort them. Many turn to religion. If your relative has started going to church, reading the Bible, or studying Buddhism, don't make fun of his interests. It doesn't matter if you are an atheist, Christian or Muslim. A sick person has the right to his own point of view. If his beliefs do not interfere with treatment, there is nothing wrong with them. Sometimes it is deepening into religion that works wonders and helps to get rid of terrible disease. Or at least brings comfort and peace.

Spend a lot of time with the sick person. You do not have to discuss the problem and its symptoms for days. You can watch TV shows, walk in the park, if the health of a relative allows, knit or embroider. Invite a loved one to learn something new or make an old dream come true. For example, get a manicure or put on heels for the first time.

Drawing works well with depressive and suicidal thoughts. Of course, your mother can say that paints and felt-tip pens are made for children. But please at least give it a try. What if you like it? Bring a sick relative his favorite books and products, gossip and talk about family matters. Sometimes warm conversations help drive away fear and panic.

You will have to become a psychologist, a support group, a nurse and even a nurse for a while. But you're also not iron and not immortal. Your emotional and physical resources are limited.

So that the illness of a loved one does not break you, never forget about yourself:

1. Try to hire a nanny or a nurse. It is not necessary to use the services of a person with medical education if your relative only needs to change linen, cook healthy breakfasts and timely give pills. You can find a man or woman who is ready to sit with a sick person for a minimum amount while you work. Yes, mom or husband will want you to be around. But try to explain that you also need money. And without work, there will be no finances for the purchase of drugs and regular examinations.
2. Spend time alone occasionally. Take a walk in the park while you go to the pharmacy or the store. Sit on a bench with a book and listen to music. You need solitude to restore nervous system. You can keep diaries. When you write down all the bad thoughts and negative emotions, it becomes easier to control your words and feelings when dealing with a sick relative. After all, sometimes you want to respond with rudeness to rudeness or scream in despair: “But when will this end?”. Just hide the diary so no one can find it.
3. Try to communicate not only with a sick relative. Periodically meet with friends, go to cafes and cinemas. Yes, it is hard for you now, but life does not stop. And if you don't allow yourself little respites and pleasures, you'll burn out.

Dear reader, when a beloved husband, father, mother, sister, brother or friend is sick, it is very difficult to cope with disappointment and bad thoughts. It is difficult to find words that can comfort a person and give him at least a few minutes of happiness. But you must get through this together. Talk to loved ones, hug and support them. Don't let me fall into deep depression but don't forget about yourself. After all, if you break down, your loved one will be left alone with his grief, fears and a sense of hopelessness.

Ilya's best friend is undergoing chemotherapy, but Ilya is not going to call him: fear and a vague feeling of guilt that he himself is healthy do not allow him to dial the number. Anna is sure that it is she who is to blame for the fact that her younger sister suffers from anorexia. “My departure from home to study in Moscow could have provoked the disease,” she explains bitterly. Tatyana is ashamed of her daily bouts of irritation and hostility towards her paralyzed mother, who needs constant attention.

When we are faced with a serious illness of a loved one, we are overcome by despair. We are lost and acutely feel our helplessness. And often we begin to reproach ourselves. It seems that we are ready to perform a feat of compassion, but we run into the limits of our capabilities. Trying to drown out the painful feeling, someone, like Ilya, prefers to move away and unconsciously chooses an escape strategy (“can’t” get through, “doesn’t have time” to come to the hospital during office hours). Others "throw themselves on the embrasure", give all their bodily and mental strength and often sacrifice their own family life depriving yourself of the right to happiness.

Guilt mechanism

"To take right place next to the patient, it takes time - it rarely happens right away, - explains the psychotherapist Igor Shats. - The first reaction is shock and numbness. Working with relatives for many years, I see that the most difficult thing for them is to realize that a loved one is terminally ill. And you can’t count on changes for the better.” “An irrational feeling of guilt arises almost instantly: “I couldn’t prevent it,” “I didn’t insist on visiting a doctor,” “I was inattentive,” adds Vyacheslav Janston, a clinical psychologist and Gestalt therapist. - Relatives feel guilty: both for past conflicts, and for being healthy, that they cannot always be there, that they are still fascinated by something in life ... ”Besides, it is difficult to understand how to behave now. As if nothing had happened, so as not to aggravate the feelings of a loved one? But then there is a risk that we will be considered selfish. Or is it worth changing the nature of your relationship with him, because he is now sick?

We ask ourselves questions, think about what our relationship was like before the illness. But more importantly, someone else's illness reminds us of our own fears. And above all - about the unconscious fear of death.

“Another source of guilt is the common belief that we should be the perfect son or daughter, husband or wife,” says client-centered psychotherapist and psychologist Marina Khazanova. - They should ideally look after, ideally take care of their relative. This is felt especially acutely by those who were criticized a lot in childhood, who were constantly shown that they did not correspond to the norm. This is a paradox: the more responsible a person is, the better he takes care of the sick, the more acutely he feels his imperfection.

We want to support a sick friend or relative and keep ourselves out of pain. There is an inevitable confusion of conflicting feelings: we are torn between love and despair, the desire to protect and irritation towards a loved one, who sometimes hurts us himself, fueling our guilt with his suffering. We risk getting lost in this maze, losing sight of our landmarks, our faith, our beliefs.

“When we constantly grind the same thoughts in our heads, they fill our consciousness and create chaos that prevents us from thinking rationally,” adds Marina Khazanova. “We lose contact with ourselves, with our own emotions.” This appears literally in physical level: insomnia, chest pains, skin problems may occur ... The imaginary guilt and exaggerated responsibility that we take on ourselves are to blame.

There are many reasons for such confusion of feelings: caring for the sick leaves neither time nor space for oneself, it requires attention, emotional response, warmth, it depletes our resources. And sometimes it destroys the family. “All its members may find themselves in a state of codependency when long sickness their relative becomes the only meaning of the family system,” warns Vyacheslav Janston.

Define boundaries

In order to be free from guilt, it must first be acknowledged and expressed in words. But this alone is still not enough. “You need to understand that we cannot be responsible for the misfortune of another,” says a doctor of the highest category, an oncologist of the European medical center Julia Mandelblat. “When we discover that our guilt and our involuntary power over another person are two sides of the same coin, we will take the first step towards our spiritual well-being, free up energy to help the sick.” To stop blaming yourself, you must first of all give up the feeling of your omnipotence and accurately outline the boundaries of your responsibility. It’s easy to say… It’s very difficult to take this step, but it’s better not to hesitate with it.

“I did not immediately realize that I was not annoyed with my grandmother, but with the fact that after a stroke she became a different person,” recalls 36-year-old Svetlana. - I knew her completely different, cheerful and strong. And she really needed it. It took me a long time to accept her fading and stop reproaching myself. Guilt can poison life, it is precisely this that prevents us from truly being close to our loved ones. But what does it say? About whom, if not about ourselves? And there comes a moment when it is time to sincerely answer the question: what is more important for me - a relationship with a close suffering person or my feelings? In other words: do I really love this person?

“An oppressive sense of guilt can cause alienation between the patient and his friend or relative,” Marina Khazanova clarifies. “But in many cases, the patient does not expect anything unusual - he just wants to maintain the connection that has always existed. In this case we are talking about empathy, about willingness to listen to his expectations. Some want to talk about their illness, others prefer to talk about something else. In this case, it is enough to be able to empathize, to listen to his expectations.

It is important not to try to decide once and for all what is good and bad for the patient, and to be able to set your own boundaries. The best way help yourself - switch to solving small daily tasks. "Compose step by step plan actions in treatment, consulting with doctors, ask questions, look for your own algorithm for helping the patient, - advises Vyacheslav Janston. - Calculate your strength without falling into sacrifice. When life becomes more orderly and there is a clear daily routine, it becomes easier. And don't hesitate to ask other people for help. Vadim is 47 years old. For 20 of them, he cares for his paralyzed mother. “Now, after so many years, I understand that my father’s life and mine would have turned out differently - I don’t know if it was better or worse, but very different if we had allowed more care for my mother and other family members.”

Being close to the sick person, it is difficult to understand where his borders end and your own begin. And most importantly - where the boundaries of our responsibility end. “To draw them means to say to yourself: there is his life, and there is mine,” explains Vyacheslav Janston. “But this does not mean that a loved one will be rejected, it will only help to figure out where the point of intersection of our lives is.”

Accept reward

to install right relationship with the person to whom we bring good, for whom we care, it is necessary that this good become a blessing for ourselves. And this implies that there must be some kind of reward for the helper. This is what helps to maintain a relationship with those whom he takes care of. Otherwise, help turns into a sacrifice. A sacrificial attitude always breeds aggressiveness and intolerance.

Not many people know that a year before his death, Alexander Pushkin went to the village to look after his dying mother, Nadezhda Gannibal. After her death, he wrote that during this “short time he enjoyed maternal tenderness, which until that time he did not know ...” *. Before her death, the mother asked her son for forgiveness for not loving him enough.

“When we decide to accompany a loved one on this difficult journey, it is important to understand that we are making a long-term commitment,” emphasizes Igor Shats. - This is a huge work that lasts for months and even years. In order not to succumb to fatigue, emotional burnout When helping a relative or friend, you need to clearly understand what we get from communicating with the sick.” This happened in the family of Alexei, where the grandmother who fell ill with transient cancer in one day united all relatives around her, forcing them to forget about previous disagreements. “We realized that the most important thing for us is to make recent months her life happy. And for her, there was always only one criterion for happiness - that the whole family be together.

Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh "Happiness to show your love"

“When we are seriously ill or heading towards death, those around us take care of us, and often a sick person worries with his soul that he has become a burden for others. This is where the sick person needs to be dissuaded. He didn't become a burden. He gave people happiness with the opportunity to show their love, their humanity, to be their companion through the last period of life - into eternity. Those who are ill must be convinced that while they were healthy, strong, they took care of others, helped them, not necessarily in illness, just in life; now they can receive from these people the love that they themselves have sown in their souls, and give them the opportunity to show their love and theirs. When we refuse the help of others during an illness, we deprive them of the greatest happiness - to please us to the end. I think that if someone who cares for a dying person could perceive what is happening to him, just sit next to him and not contribute anything himself, but only be the most transparent, silent, as deep as possible, then he would probably see how this man is at first blind to eternity, as if closed from eternity by his flesh, his corporality, his humanity. Gradually, all this becomes more transparent, and the dying person begins to see another world. First, I think, the dark world, and then suddenly the light of eternity ... Therefore, those young people who care for the sick, in addition to giving the patient the opportunity to accept love with gratitude and openness - this is very important - can sit with them at a time when the patient can no longer tell them in any way about what he now sees or feels, but to know that the transition is now taking place, and to be with him all this time, the time of transition.

* An excerpt from the article "The Body and Matter in the Spiritual Life". "Works". Practice, 2002.

In a conversation with relatives, oncologists urge them to support the patient in every possible way. But what to say, do, where to put your eyes and hands, if a loved one suddenly turned out to be seriously ill?

To begin with, try to understand what is going on in his soul. "The universal feeling that arises in a cancer patient is a feeling of absolute loneliness," says the elder Researcher departments of endoscopic and physical methods diagnosis and treatment of tumors, Dr. med. Sciences, Academician of RAMTS Ruslan Kazbekovich KABISOV. - It is often called depression, but it is still based on a feeling of loneliness. "The feeling that no one understands you, that no one needs you and can only be a burden to others, can be removed from the patient only by constantly proving the opposite. Visit him and remind mutual friends and acquaintances to call him and visit him.

A cancer patient, unless, of course, he is an oncologist, has a poor idea of ​​what kind of disease he has, what are the chances of being cured, and what will happen to him when he is discharged from the hospital. If he is used to looking the enemy in the eye, help him gather as much information as he wants. Doctors, unfortunately, do not always have time to sit down and discuss with a sick person all the issues that occupy him. Besides, Russian oncologists- opponents informed consent adopted in the West, where the patient always knows the truth about his illness. We have traditionally accepted the diagnosis to soften and tune a person to the fact that he has a precancer. Another thing is that few of the patients manage to maintain this illusion until the end of treatment.

Cancer patients are very afraid of dying. This fear haunts them even years later. successful treatment. It is impossible to convince a person not to be afraid of death, but it is in your power to remove some of this heaviness simply by talking about this fear.

In women, the feeling of loneliness increases due to side effects treatment - hair loss, weight loss or, conversely, rapid weight gain due to hormonal drugs. Help her maintain her sense of self-attractiveness by shopping together for some clothes and choosing a wig that will make her look most natural.

The art of listening

For a SICK person, constant communication and the feeling that he is understood is extremely important. It is hardly possible to understand all the anxieties of a cancer patient healthy person, therefore, it is enough that there is someone next to him who can at least listen, without causing irritation.

The rules of intimate conversation are the right distance and contact. The optimal distance for communication between loved ones is half a meter. It is desirable that your eyes are at the same level with the eyes of the interlocutor. And certainly your gaze during a conversation should not wander absentmindedly along the walls and the window. If the conversation is too painful and it is impossible to look at each other, try to take his hand.

Listen to what the patient tells you, and do not think that you yourself have to answer. The best way to show your attention is to start a response with two or three last words interlocutor. Another possibility is to start the sentence with "Do you mean that..." or "If I understand correctly, you think that...". Just do not interrupt him, speak, waiting for a pause. If you do not know what to say, do not be afraid of the silence that has arisen, just hold the patient's hand.

The strongest emotional shock that cancer patients face affects their sense of humor. And dark jokes about a bald head or vomiting after chemotherapy may jar the healthy, but they help the sick cope with a difficult situation. This does not mean that you should burst out laughing, proving that you appreciate Strange feeling humor of a sick person, but he needs your support. Your funny stories and anecdotes, even if they are really funny, may not work. Do not be offended by the "deafness" of the patient to them, follow his sense of humor.

Avoid advice. They are relevant only when you are asked for them. Even if you can't bear to impose your opinion, soften your pressure with something like: "A friend of mine once tried it." Don't try to roll out your own action plan for a cancer patient - you run the risk of hearing "You don't have cancer" in response. Mutual understanding will be much more difficult.

Without water in the sieve

Barely the most frequently asked question, which relatives and friends ask oncologists: "Is cancer contagious?" They are afraid to let children, pregnant women near the sick person, they are afraid to shake hands, not to mention more intimate contacts. Often a person, even at home, is isolated in a separate room, defining separate towels for him, bed sheets and dishes, like an infectious patient. Cancer is not contagious! It is not transmitted by contact, airborne droplets, sexual contact, even through blood. And the slightest fear of getting infected, expressed aloud, will have a catastrophic effect on your relationship with the patient.

A sincere desire to help him is not enough if it is not possible to direct a good impulse to a specific activity. One should offer one's help without waiting for the sick person to ask for it himself. He is embarrassed, he is hurt and very afraid of seeming a burden. Even if your help was refused once, this does not mean that you can calm down with a sense of accomplishment. You need to offer your services regularly and focus on specific points.

What is important for the patient in the course of treatment? Arrange a life that, due to the heavy physical condition turns into flour for the patient: go to the toilet, go to the procedures, cook food, take medicine, clean up after yourself (especially after chemotherapy sessions). It is not necessary to sit near the patient all day long, and few people can do it. It is important to help in especially difficult moments, which are almost always associated with the peculiarities of treatment and therefore are easily predictable. If the whole family "hangs" on the patient, the children and sick relatives who live with him need care. As a rule, the little things are important - pick up the child from school, run to the pharmacy for medicines for the grandmother, etc.

Do not try to take everything on yourself, otherwise you will get bogged down in other people's problems, do not help others and exhaust yourself. Decide for yourself what you want and can do. You may be able to cook dinner for the sick person or get him tapes of his favorite movies. Sitting with the children while the husband visits his wife, or helping him tidy up the apartment is also an important help, but every good impulse should be within your power. Restriction one - avoid expensive gifts. The desire to please and make the patient pleasant is commendable, but should not put him in an awkward position. Among loved ones, the value of a gift is never measured by its value.

The article uses materials from the book " Palliative care oncological patients" under the editorship of A. SALMON.