How to live with a psychopath. It holds your attention and undermines your self-esteem. Maintain a positive life attitude

In everyday life, psychopaths are called people with an explosive temperament or simply eccentric. But strictly speaking, psychopathy is a personality disorder. And statistically, most psychopaths are men.

They can be extremely charming, suave, and sociable on the surface, but long-term relationships with them are very toxic to their partners.

How to understand that we are facing a psychopath, and not just a person with a complex character? Of course, only a specialist can make a diagnosis, but here are some alarming signals worth paying attention to.

1. He looks down on you.

A psychopath directly or indirectly emphasizes his superiority over a partner who allegedly does not reach his level: “You are stupid and uneducated”, “You are too emotional”, “You are fat and notorious.”

Next to the psychopathic personality, the partner feels like a "junior in rank", worthless and unworthy, whose task is to please and appease his idol.

2. “I hate you. I love you"

He can beautifully look after, and your Honeymoon will be so romantic... But rather quickly, he cools down and begins to treat you dismissively. Relationships with a psychopath are like a roller coaster: he either loves or hates, quarrels alternate with stormy reconciliations. Disrespect quickly turns into insults.

For his victim, this situation is truly traumatic and fraught with depression, neurosis, drug or alcohol abuse. And in any case - post-traumatic syndrome.

3. "It's not my fault"

He is never responsible for what is happening and for his actions - others are always to blame. Even when his guilt is obvious, he deftly distorts and presents what happened as an involuntary mistake or joke. Or assures that he was misunderstood. Or that the partner is simply too sensitive. In a word, he does everything to minimize his responsibility.

4. Manipulation instead of warmth

For the psychopath, courtship is just a game or a sport: he seduces with manipulative tricks that are neither warm nor sincere. Kindness, attention, care, gifts, travel - for him only a means to get what he wants. He expects that later, when the candy-bouquet period is over, the partner will pay for all this with obedience.

5. One partner isn't enough for him.

The psychopath does not know how to build close, sincere relationships, he quickly becomes fed up and sets off in search of new adventures. This does not mean that he will immediately leave the annoying victim - such people know how to combine several novels at once.

6. "I'm Important, You're Not"

Outwardly, he gives the impression of an imperious, narcissistic and soulless person who does not care about the experiences of others. But how sharply and with what aggression he reacts when he is criticized, questioned or neglected!

The reason is not that he is not confident in himself or needs the approval of others. No, the whole point is that he believes in his superiority and power over others. And therefore, he cannot stand it if someone points out his weaknesses or “wrongly” communicates with him.

7. “I'm a winner! Is always!"

In his view, the world is divided into winners and losers. And it is very important for him to be among the first in everything, even in small things. This setting is not compatible with healthy relationships that involve cooperation, compromise, and the ability to repent.

8. You lose your ability to reason.

With a sufficiently long relationship, the psychopath's partner begins to experience cognitive impairment: he may have problems with memory, concentration, attention, motivation, and self-organization. He becomes distracted, less effective, and anxiety overwhelms him.

9. He wants to dominate

The psychopath likes to humiliate, control and devalue others - this is how he asserts his power over you. But he cannot stand it if they try to point out his behavior to him, and falls into a rage. Moreover, he tries to take revenge on the "offender".

10 The Psychopath Hides The Truth

This is another manifestation of his manipulative tendencies. He can only be silent about something or lie to his face. Moreover, a lie can concern both minor trifles and very important things - the child is on the side, permanent partner or marital status.

11. He has no morals

The psychopath is dismissive of social norms and moral rules and easily steps over them. scam different kind, theft, harassment, intimidation, revenge against the one who stands in his way - for him all means are good.

12. A psychopath is not capable of deep feelings.

With a superficial acquaintance, he can charm and show sympathy, which he is not really capable of. In dealing with a stranger, a psychopath can prove to be much better than he is used to behaving with a partner - especially if he needs to impress a strong person or cause envy.

13. He declares himself a victim

it typical shape manipulations in the communication of psychopaths with an ordinary person who has empathy. They use our capacity for empathy and compassion, portraying themselves as unfortunate victims - and receive forgiveness for any transgressions. This allows them to avoid blame and responsibility and achieve their goals.

14. Kindness and respect are alien to the psychopath.

They do not have a developed sense of empathy, so the partner is forced each time to explain to him anew how to humanly treat other people and what he expects in relation to himself: “Don't talk to me like that! Please stop lying! Why are you so cruel and rude to me?”

15. You will never be good enough.

The psychopath tends to blame, criticize, and thereby belittle his partner: “You dressed like a walker! You didn't clean the house well! You are so dumb! Don't say a word to you! Think how vulnerable! How annoying!” He interprets any requests or demands of a partner as attempts to control him and perceives with hostility.

Become a gray stone, or how to bore a psychopath July 15th, 2016

Reader Igor "Hans" Shlyakhov found on the English site about psychopaths http://www.lovefraud.com/ a curious text about how to make the aggressor lose interest in you, translated it and kindly provided it to me for publication. Author - Skylar, subtitles - mine.

I propose to discuss the proposed tactics: it works, it doesn’t work, with whom it works, what are the features of using it on different stages, have you tried something similar and what results did it give.

When disconnection is not possible

When dealing with any manipulative and toxic people, including narcissists, psychopaths, stalkers, sociopaths, people with borderline and hysterical personality disorders - in a word, with all kinds of emotional vampires - it is usually advised that the lack of reaction - best reaction to unwanted attention.

This is often true, and the method of Breaking All Contact (avoiding all communication) should be used whenever possible. This is perhaps the most effective method rid your life of the hell that regular contact with an emotional vampire plunges you into.

However, there are a number of situations in which the Break All Contacts method is not possible, for example, in the case of sharing custody of a child with a toxic person. Or if former partner stalks you, depriving him of the right to meet can infuriate him. In such situation refusing to answer him can be seen as an insult by a psychopath. Such people may decide that they can force and compel you to respond to them, and thus satisfy their thirst for control over you.

Moreover, many of us have tried to end the relationship with such a person several times, only to accept him or her back each time. They included pity and charm, and because we did not understand that this was the type of behavior that psychopaths and other unpleasant personalities use, we believed their promises to change the situation in the future or change ourselves. They know all our emotional hooks. It is easy and interesting for them to lure us back by appealing to our emotions.

But manipulators don't change. In fact, if you break up with a psychopath, he may go to great lengths to punish you even more for daring to think you can be independent.

Even if you do not take them back, the most dangerous time for the victim, the initial break with the psychopath/narcissist. They become furious at being neglected. Losing control or power over a person is not only a narcissistic injury for them, they can feel completely empty when their partner leaves them - even if they intended to kill this partner. The reason is the loss of control. All manipulators need to constantly feel in control.

That's what the Gray Stone Method is for.

Drain the source of drama

The Gray Stone Method is a way to teach a psychopath that you are a bad and unsuitable target, because you tire him and make him bored, and they can not stand boredom.
So you force the manipulator to leave of their own free will.

You could say that the Gray Stone Method is a way of breaking up with a psychopath using the old "it's not about you, it's about me" excuse, the only difference is that you show it with your actions instead of saying it with words, and the manipulator comes to that conclusion himself.

There is nothing to envy

Another reason to use the Gray Stone Method is to avoid falling into the "prey" role from the start. If you find yourself in the company of one or more narcissistic personalities You may be working with them, or they are members of your family, it is important to avoid activating their jealousy. When using the Gray Stone Method, you step into the background. They may not even remember that they met you.

If you have inadvertently attracted their attention and they have already begun to focus on you, you can still use the Gray Stone Method. Tell them that you are boring. Describe your boring life. Talk about the most mundane household chores - in great detail. Some people naturally lack a halo of drama. Find such people and stay close to them when the manipulator is nearby.

Distract with a "broken wing"

If you are forced to continue the relationship with the manipulator, the Gray Stone Method can also serve you. good service. People involved in joint custody of a child with a manipulative ex-spouse may use the method when the ex-spouse tries to hurt them and get them emotional.

It is perfectly understandable that any threat to the well-being of our children provokes an incredible amount of fear and anxiety. This is where the Gray Stone Method can be applied selectively to divert attention from what is truly important to you.

Generally, do not show any emotion in response to offensive words and behavior. The manipulator will use different tactics to discover which one will elicit a response. And you should respond to what is of the least importance to you. This will focus the attention of the manipulator on this aspect.

Remember, psychopaths and other manipulators have no values, so they do not understand what is valuable to us until we ourselves discover it to them. Selective Method of Gray Stone shows them the bait. In protecting our children, we can learn from Mother Nature: Parent birds with chicks have been known to mimic a broken wing when a predator roams the area. They pretend to be vulnerable in order to divert the attention of the cat from their real vulnerability - their offspring.

In this example, the selective Graystone Method upstages all emotions except the ones you want to display to the social predator yourself.

Psychopaths get bored very easily. They need constant stimulation to ward off boredom. It's not the kind of boredom that is experienced ordinary people, it is more like the French word ennui, which refers to an all-consuming melancholy, boredom and lethargy. Drama is the psychopath's cure for boredom. For drama, they need an audience and actors. Once the drama begins, they feel alive again. They are energized when they pull the strings that evoke our emotional response. Any emotion will do as long as it is a reaction to their actions.

Psychopaths and other manipulators are addicted to power. They gain power by giving access to our emotions. They feel this keenly and need constant testing to make sure we're still under their control. They need to know that we are still willing to do what they want, make them happy and avoid their wrath. They need to create drama in order to feel the power of manipulating our emotions.

As with any addiction, getting your dose emotional reaction excites and revitalizes the psychopath. The more times he receives his "reward" for his dramatic behavior, the more his addiction grows. The reverse is also true: when the "reward" stops coming, he gets nervous. He experiences an overwhelming sense of boredom and longing and responds by creating even more drama.

If we stick to this line of behavior and do not show emotions, at some point the psychopath decides that his toy is broken. She no longer squirts emotion when he squeezes her! Most likely, he will crawl away from you in search of a new toy.

The Gray Stone Method includes a caveat: psychopaths are dangerous people, if you are in a relationship with one who has already decided to kill you, it will be very difficult to change his mind. It can already poison your food or covertly damage your car. Take all necessary precautions. In such a case, you can only hope that the Gray Stone Method will only help buy time before you can escape.

Boring, poor and ugly

Psychopaths are attracted to bright, beautiful things, fast moving things and bright lights. These objects are associated by them with a sense of liveliness and alleviate his ever-present overwhelming longing. Of course, his preferred food is your emotions, but the list of what he desires is not limited to them.

He is jealous of everything beautiful, shining and sparkling that you have and wants everything that you value highly. You must hide everything that he may notice and become jealous of.

If you are beautiful, use makeup to draw on bags under your eyes.

Unless you are married to the manipulator, any money or assets he covets should "disappear" into a "very bad investment" (check with your lawyer about this).

Your shiny new sports car should retire - get yourself a simple, unfussy everyday car.

If you have a great reputation, expect him to start or have already started slandering you. So don't let yourself be put in a compromising position or provoked into unstable or unhealthy behavior.

The reason he wants to take it all away from you is not necessarily because he wants to have it all himself, but because he wants to see the emotion on your face the moment you lose it all. The manipulator needs a show of strength, expressed in the fact that he is the person who deprived you of all this. By removing all these things from his field of vision in advance and not showing an emotional reaction to these losses, you continue to accustom him to the idea that you are the most boring person in the world, the person he will never want to be like in anything.

Origin of the Gray Stone Method

“I was sitting in a sushi bar with mixed feelings when a tall, attractive young man introduced himself to me. sporty look. To my surprise, I instinctively told him my whole story. He listened to me and then explained to me that I was dealing with a perverted narcissist. And he gave me advice: "Be boring."

He said that his girlfriend would come home every night and start drinking and acting in a horrible and abusive way. They were both professionals, moving in the same professional circles. He knew that she would pursue him if he decided to break up and did not want to take risks, become a victim of slander, which could damage his professional reputation.

And he decided to become so boring that she just left him. He refused to go out anywhere in the evenings. He showed no emotional reaction to anything and always reacted with a lack of drama. When she asked if he wanted to go out to a cafe or restaurant for dinner, his answer was: "I don't know." After a few months without drama, she moved out from him.

...I chose the word "grey stone" because wherever you go, there are a lot of gray stones and pebbles, but you never notice them. None of them grab your attention. You don't remember any of the single stones you saw today, because they blend into the landscape. This is exactly the type of boredom that you are going to broadcast to the manipulator. A stranger at a sushi bar made a startling observation when he advised "be boring." He got to the heart of psychopaths' motivation to avoid boredom.

In nature, there are many tricks that contribute to survival among predators. Birds play a broken wing to protect their offspring, among others, and mice pretend to be dead until the cat loses interest in them. Both of these tactics can be useful and can be applied as needed and appropriate.

At the same time, it is very difficult to calculate every move of a psychopath in order to choose the best course of action each time. Instead of trying to outsmart or outplay him, broadcast the gray stone. This simple, unassuming object of nature has all the wisdom needed to go unnoticed - it's boring.

Dedicated to the Bloodsuckers

***
A starting point for discussing living with a psychopath is The Thirteen Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday life”, found on pages 156-162 of Martha Stout's The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout.

So why does it matter if a person can be diagnosed with "Psychopathy"? The truth is that it makes no difference to the public looking for information about this or that person; the fact of having such a diagnosis also does not particularly help to build a line of conduct with these complex and even dangerous people. In other words, you may find that these rules for dealing with sociopaths are generally useful for dealing with someone who has psychopathic traits. The more psychopathic traits a person has, the more useful these rules can be. In fact, the more psychopathic traits a person has, the more dangerous he or she is, and the more likely they are to be diagnosed with Psychopathy. Regardless of the presence or absence of other personal pathology. In individuals with personality disorders - especially those with features of antisocial personality disorder, as well as narcissistic, hysterical and borderline personality disorders- as a rule, there are some traits of a psychopathic personality. Family members, since they do not know if their relative is diagnosed with Psychopathy, should understand that if a person seems to have many of the traits of a psychopath, and if he or she is prone to abuse and/or violence, then he or she may be dangerous.

We understand that no studies have been conducted to demonstrate the reliability of these rules. And while we believe that research is the best way to establish the effectiveness of coping strategies, we understand that there is a real need to help people in distress. We present these rules, along with our interpretations and, in some cases, modifications, because these rules represent one of the most specific and sound guidelines for dealing with psychopathic personalities available today to people who, for whatever reason, are involved in such communication. .

13 rules in summary

To help with the application of Dr. Stout's 13 Rules, we've reduced them to a series of concise phrases so it's easier to digest them all together:

1. A psychopath (and you can't tell by his/her appearance) has no conscience.

2. If you feel bad or feel that you are wrong, most likely you are.

3. People must earn your trust, and not just get it.

4. Don't blindly follow anyone, no matter what.

5. If you are being buttered, you must be being gently roasted to be eaten.

6. You can't respect someone you're afraid of.

7. In a one-sided game, you will always lose.

8. Get lost and lost.

9. The story of an unfortunate fate can be effective tool manipulation.

10. No one can change anyone.

11. Don't become an accomplice.

12. Keep a positive attitude towards life.

13. Live well, be honest with yourself.

Thirteen Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday Life

In this section, Dr. Stout's rules (or quotations from her rules) are in italics, followed by our comments.

1. The first rule contains a bitter pill - the recognition that some people literally have no conscience , and that these people often don't look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender at all. They are like us.

For most of us, those with a conscience, this is hard to understand. We have codes of conduct that tell us what is acceptable and what is not. Every day we judge what is right and what is not on the basis of our internal norms and rules, on the basis of certain internal standards. Having these standards makes us feel regret when we are not good enough. Conscience can be seen as a moral compass that gives us guidance on how we should spend our time: taking care of what is truly valuable to us; conscience tells us when we have gone astray, even if the return is on the right way takes time and effort. And this, of course, does not mean that all of us are in agreement about what is right and what is wrong.

For some people, their only compass is to feel good right now: “So what do I want right now?” Psychopathic personalities spend very little time questioning their motivations They do not evaluate their own thoughts or feelings in the way most of us do Lack of conscience may help explain why people with psychopathic characteristics often do not follow predictable and reliable career paths This also helps to explain the general lack of stability in their behavior.

Sometimes a person who has psychopathic traits may begin to manipulate others in one direction and then suddenly change that direction without apparent reason . As if the first direction was based on a whim, and the new one arose after sudden appearance new desire. Such inconsistent behavior does not make sense from the point of view of a carefully considered decision about basic values, but it makes sense if we understand that a person lives, guided by the short-term impulses of his desires.

It is also important to keep in mind that the expression “none of us is perfect” does not mean that we are all the same. If you made some bad decision and let someone down, if someone deceived you, and you allowed this person to deceive your friends or relatives, this does not mean that you and this deceiver are the same. Even if you need to change your behavior before you can feel good about yourself, that doesn't mean you can't judge another person's actions as wrong if they hurt others.

2. In an argument between your instincts and the social role you play - educator, doctor, leader, animal lover, humanist, parent - listen to your instincts.

This rule has a background. Previous research findings suggested that average person can quite reliably distinguish a psychopath from everyone else, since a psychopath "feels in the gut." As it turns out, in fact, by the time you figure out that the person you're involved with has a similar disorder, you're usually you will already be too involved in the relationship to leave them painlessly.

Another problem with this rule is that some of us can trust our instincts - and some of us really can't. Some of us have been so traumatized or so controlled by others that we have actually lost touch with both our feelings and our sense of competence. Some of us are so accustomed to the unhealthy emotions driving our behavior (resentment, resentment, loneliness, anxiety, guilt) that we really should not trust our instincts, at least until we start dealing with our own problems.

We encourage you to consider the full range of opinions available to you if you are faced with a potentially life-changing choice. As with making a treatment decision, it is helpful to get a second opinion, preferably three or four. Don't let family conflicts make you deaf to reason, and don't let anyone convince you to accept the unacceptable. If you don't trust your instincts right now, know that time and support can restore your ability to trust your intuition (at least most time)!

3. When considering any new relationship, practice the "Rule of Three" by evaluating the claims and promises the person makes and the responsibility he or she takes. Make the Three Times Rule your personal strategy. A single instance of deceit, a breach of promise, or a single instance of neglect of responsibility may simply be a misunderstanding. If this happens twice, it can be regarded as a serious mistake. But when a person lied three times, it becomes clear to you that You are dealing with a liar and deceit is the core of his shameless behavior . Minimize your losses and get out of the relationship as quickly as you can. Breaking up a relationship, although difficult, will be much easier to do now than later; By the way, and less expensive.

We agree with the principle that people should win our trust, and that our own trust or distrust should be based on how people behave, not on what they say. While the "Rule of Three" makes sense, we also recognize that there is no special "magic" number to decide when to end a relationship with someone. In some cases, two times may be too much.

Dr. Leedom recommends another "rule of three", which, for example, Dr. Kosson considers "impractical". Beginning new novel, wait at least 3 months before engaging in sexual intimacy - not 3 dates! Sexual intimacy increases feelings of affection and imposes obligations - this happens especially in women; psychopathic people often count on it. They attack quickly to "devour" someone and force them to say yes before he or she can figure out what they are going to do. While waiting alone is not a guarantee of protection, it can still save you the pain of a relationship with an impatient psychopath.

4. Refute authorities. Once again - trust your instincts and pursue yours. own interests, especially in relation to those people who declare that domination, violence, war, or making a deal with conscience, one can perfectly solve certain problems. Do this even when, or especially when, everyone around you has completely stopped questioning his/her authority.

We fully agree with Dr. Stout. We also suggest that you be especially suspicious of those who tells you that you cannot question the truth of the reasons for their actions ; the truthfulness of their stories about where they were or what they did. Depending on the circumstances, you may be required to be prudent in expressing your suspicions and careful in your choice of words to avoid harm. This is especially true when you are dealing with someone in a position of authority.

5. Suspicious flattery. Compliments are wonderful, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is over the top, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. This is the basis of counterfeit charm, and almost always involves the intent to manipulate. Manipulation through flattery is sometimes harmless, and sometimes it can be sinister. Raise your head and try to look beyond your ego, which is being massaged hard by someone, and do not forget to suspect that you are grossly flattered.

Psychopathic personalities often persecute those who failed is under stress or forced to be obedient . AT hard periods In life, people especially need support and encouragement. Many of us understand that it is good to show others that we are going through a difficult period, that we need support - and to receive this support. It's often an adaptive strategy to open up to people who are trustworthy. However, it is important to remember that some people tell you that they are trustworthy when in fact they are not. Psychopathic personalities will tell you what you want to hear in order to gain your trust.

We all go through periods in which we have a great need to hear what our loved ones have to say about us well - especially at a time when we need it. It is important for everyone to develop relationships with trustworthy friends and family members who can be responsive to our needs and give honest feedback. It also helps to hear the other person's correct assessment of our strengths and weaknesses. Such support groups can be especially important if we are in a place where we have difficulty distinguishing between controlled flattery and honest evaluation.

6. If necessary, revise your idea of ​​respect. Too often we mistake fear for respect, and the more we fear someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect … Let's use our big human brain in order to overcome his animal tendency to worship predators ...

This rule raises two related, but still different questions. First, according to Dr. Stout, rethinking the concept of respect is, first of all, to begin to distinguish between a sense of respect and a sense of fear. How much we respect people should depend on their benevolent and constructive actions. If someone behaves in ways that are immoral or unethical, that are contrary to our notion of justice, as well as our notions of right and wrong, we cannot and should not respect such actions. We must respect ourselves. That, who repeatedly hurt us, insulted or manipulated us, shows disrespect for us . To maintain our self-respect, we must act in a way that safeguards and defends our identity and our values ​​in constructive ways.

Will we defend ourselves, defending our own point of view, confronting bad behavior; or asking for help from other people who may be better equipped to help us and protect us - may depend on how afraid we are of someone who hurts or threatens us. We are sometimes told that to respect someone is to avoid confrontation with him or her. Along with this, we are taught not to interfere with how people live their lives. We are taught to consider other than confrontation options for asserting our point of view (if it is in conflict with someone else's), and view confrontation as irreverent behavior. However, this approach only works in the context of civilized behavior. It only works when everyone strives to act in a respectful manner. If either of you is disrespectful, then avoiding pressure and confrontation ensures that you will be exploited or abused. Assertiveness - This term often means tactfully confronting those who hurt you, or seeking out people (friends, relatives, professionals, institutions) who can help protect you and your rights.

7. Don't join the game. Intrigue is a sociopath's tool . Resist the temptation to compete with the seductive sociopath, outsmart him, psychoanalyze him, or even tease him. In addition to being You will sink to his level , You will lose sight of what is really important, and this is your own protection.

In some cases, people build complex multi-move games for their own enjoyment. Here's a hint for you. You are inside someone else's game if you suddenly find that someone takes great pleasure or amuses himself with things that others take seriously.

For example, if someone is experiencing difficulty in performing serious and responsible work due to private or individual problems, or because takes pleasure in someone else's suffering or tension, or if someone asks you to do some thing that has nothing to do with the objective rational purpose of the work, but serves to deceive or manipulate others (not for the purpose of a prank, but seriously misdirecting someone where it will wander for hours, days or weeks), this may be a sign of the danger of potential manipulation.

Also, if you find that the game is very difficult and will probably take great amount time, effort, money, etc., it is likely that this game is designed to distract you from something important in your life. Do not join the game! And if you have already turned on - quickly get out of it! Getting out of the game may require you to be willing to admit that you have something to lose, maybe a lot. However, most likely you will lose even more if you continue to play with this person. Beautiful tango is obtained only when two people dance!

8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to run away from him / her, to refuse any kind of contact or connection.

This rule is intended for those adults who are in a consensual relationship with another adult with psychopathic characteristics. So what do you do when you need to get out of a relationship with a psychopath? It is appropriate to recall the title of Neil Sedaka's song: "Breaking up is hard to do!" ("It's very hard to break up!"). For someone who is young and single, cutting off all contact may not only be acceptable, but often the best thing to do. But if a person with psychopathic traits present in your life - your spouse, your boss, or an official with whom you have to deal due to your position, breaking contact may not be the best option, at least for a certain time. In cases where a break is not possible, build a plan for yourself, following which, you will come as close as possible to the goal of complete liberation. Build a plan to change relationships, work, and, if necessary, place of residence. If someone hurts you and/or those around you, then you will put you all at additional risk if you continue to invite that person into your home, or if you continue to let your ability to work depend on his/her grades; and so on.

9. Question your tendency to feel sorry for people too easily. Respect should be reserved for the kind and morally courageous. Pity is another socially valuable response; and it should target innocent people who are in real pain, or who have failed.

Psychopathic personalities are often professionally manipulate the emotions of other people, benefiting from it . Well thought out story difficult life can be an effective ploy - a standard move by many people with psychopathic features. If you are responding to a request for help that includes someone else depending on your resources, pay attention and set boundaries. Remember, whether you feel pity or compassion, you have a choice about what you do.

10. Don't try to wait for something that won't happen. The second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who have a conscience. If you're dealing with a person who has no conscience, you know how hard it is to swallow and survive failure... sociopathic behavior is not your fault, not in the least. This is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.

The simple truth is that no one has the power to change anyone. You can be a positive support to someone who takes the trouble to change, but it is the person who is determined to change who takes the trouble to change. Since the early 1980s, the concept of “codependency” has been the subject of psychological research. Subsequently, Timmen Cermak constructed the following five criteria or features for a proposed diagnostic category for codependent personality disorder:
A. A continuous investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others in the face of severe adverse consequences. Codependents suffer from distortion volitional sphere and invest excessive amounts of energy in efforts to improve/help others in search of some semblance of self worth.
B. Taking responsibility for meeting the needs of others, even to the point of denying your own.
C. Anxiety and borderline disorders associated with intimacy and separation.
D. Confused relationships with personality disordered, chemically addicted, other codependent and/or impulsive disordered individuals.
E. Three or more of following list Constriction of emotions, depression, hypervigilance, compulsiveness, anxiety, substance abuse, excessive denial, repeated episodes of stress-related physical or sexual abuse somatic diseases, primary relationship with an active substance abuser for at least two years.

The fact is that an attempt to save a person with this or that disorder can cause a violation of the personality of the one who saves!

11. Never agree, out of pity or any other reason, to help a sociopath hide his true colors.

“Please don't say anything…no, no…I don't need help” - these words are often said with tears in the eyes and gnashing of teeth; and this is the signature template of thieves, child abusers - and psychopaths. Don't listen to this sweet siren song. You should warn other people about this "song" because sociopaths do not deserve you to keep their secrets.

If someone without a conscience insists that you "owe" him/her, remember what you read here: "You owe me" has probably been the standard psychopath line for thousands of years. We tend to take this "You owe me" as a valid claim, but it's just not true. Don't listen. Also, ignore the following argument, which will not take long to be expressed: "Do you think you are better than me? You are the same." No, you are not the same.

12. Protect your psyche. Do not let someone without a conscience, or even a number of such people, convince you that humanity is flawed. Most people do have a conscience. Most people are capable of love.

Many people who have been victims of a person with psychopathic traits say that can never trust anyone again . A lot of former victims say they can't go on living because Borrowed to live in fear of a repeat of the violence . If the relationship leaves a trail of loss of trust and a sense of security, then the resulting distress can increase the duration of a person's suffering for many years after the end of the traumatic relationship in which the person was the victim.

If your psyche has been damaged by a traumatic relationship with a psychopathic person, you must heal and recover so that you can continue to live. You must make your recovery the priority of your life: something that deserves your time and attention. The people who care about you will probably be happy to help you through this process - if they understand what you've been through. If you have trust issues or live in constant fear, and if your attempts to fix it yourself do not lead to anything, we strongly recommend that you seek professional help.

13. Living well is the best way to get revenge.

Psychopathic personalities train those around them to be hyper-vigilant to their needs. . If you have successfully passed such training, then you concentrate all your life energy around a person with psychopathic features. Now is the time to take back your life. It's time to turn your attention to your own health and well-being. Start with a good diet and workout plan. If necessary, seek medical help to solve health problems, if you have them. Plan to return to the activities and hobbies you love. In short, take back your normal life.

We also believe that hatching plans for revenge is a sign that you have not completely separated from the person who hurt you. Living well is a great option for revenge, but also the best option Allow yourself to live for your own benefit. Do your best to make your time on Earth as meaningful and productive for yourself and your loved ones as you can.

We all sometimes have to communicate with completely intolerable people. How to build a dialogue with them? Why calls to act reasonably in these cases do not work? These questions and more are answered by psychiatrist and counselor Mark Goulston in his book How to Talk to Assholes: Dealing with the Inappropriate and Unbearable People in Your Life. We publish some interesting fragments from it.

This book is about the principles of dealing with people who behave irrationally. But when planning a conversation with like a person, do not forget to ask yourself: why would you interact with him at all? Do you have a good enough reason? And wouldn't it be better for you to stay away from him? Often the answer is obvious: because you love that person. Either you depend on him financially, or are bound by some other circumstances. But it happens that everything is not so simple. A relationship with such a person may not be very important to you, and then it turns out that you are just wasting time. In this case, your behavior should also be considered insane ...

Having worked as a psychiatrist for decades, I can say that I understand madmen, including deeply ill people. What I mean? For example, one of my patients stalked Britney Spears and another jumped off the fifth floor because he believed he could fly. Another called me one day from a prison in the Dominican Republic and told me that he was there, going to start a revolution. In addition, I have worked with anorexics who weigh less than 40 kilograms, heroin addicts, and schizophrenic patients who experience hallucinations. I taught negotiators how to force the surrender of murder-obsessed terrorists who took hostages. Now I show directors and top managers of companies how to deal with people who threaten the business. Simply put, we have long switched to “you” with the abnormal.

But recently, an interesting thought came to me: I expect to meet a psycho every day, because this is my job. However, I suddenly realized how often do you have to deal with madmen- not jumping off balconies or intimidating Britney Spears, but what I call domestic psychos.

The epiphany hit me when I went to a meeting of real estate developers and their lawyers who needed advice on helping families in a crisis. I expected a boring meeting, but their stories fascinated me. I found that these people daily "talk to madmen"- just like me! Nearly every situation discussed has involved clients acting completely insane. These lawyers had no problem drafting a will or setting up a trust fund. But they didn't know what to do if the client turned into a psycho- and desperately wanted to know ...

By the way, about the word "psycho": I understand that it sounds provocative and politically incorrect. But when I use it, I don't mean mentally ill people... Any one of us is capable of acting like a lunatic at some point. When I say "crazy" or "madman" I mean that the person is behaving irrationally. There is four signs that the people you deal with are irrational:

• they do not have a clear picture of the world;
• they say or do things that don't make sense;
• they make decisions or take actions that are not in their own interests;
• when you try to bring them back to the path of sanity, they become completely unbearable...

The tools I will talk about when using require courage. Because you won't just ignore the psychos and wait for them to leave. You will not argue with them or try to convince them. Instead, you will have to feel crazy and start behaving the same way.

Many years ago someone explained to me what to do when a dog grabs your hand. If you trust your instincts and withdraw your hand, the dog will sink its teeth even deeper. But if you use a non-obvious solution and push your hand deeper into the throat, the dog will loosen his grip. Why? Because the dog will want to swallow, for which he needs to relax his jaw. this is where you get your hand out.

Similarly, you can interact with irrational people. If you treat them as if they are crazy and you are not, they will only go deeper into crazy thoughts. But if you yourself begin to behave like a psycho, this will dramatically change the situation. Here is an example.

After one of the most disgusting days of my life, on the way home, I concentrated on the troubles that had befallen me and drove the car on autopilot. Unfortunately for me, this was all happening during California's extremely dangerous rush hour. At some point, I accidentally cut off a pickup truck in which a big man and his wife were sitting. He honked angrily, and I waved my hand to show my apologies. But then - just a couple of kilometers later - I cut it again.

Then the man caught up with me and abruptly stopped the truck in front of my car, forcing me to pull over to the side of the road. As I braked, I saw his wife gesticulating frantically, asking him not to get out of the car. Of course, he did not pay attention to her and after a few moments he was already on the road - under two meters tall and weighing 140 kilograms. He abruptly approached me and began banging on the glass, shouting curses.

I was so stunned that I even rolled down the window to hear him. Then I waited for him to pause so that he could pour even more bile on me. And when he paused to catch his breath, I said to him: “Have you ever had such a terrible day that you just hoped that someone would pull out a gun, shoot you and put an end to all the suffering? Is that someone you?

His jaw dropped. "What?" - he asked. Up to this point, I've been acting very stupid. But suddenly I did something brilliant. In some incredible way, despite my clouded mind, I said exactly what was needed. I did not try to negotiate with this intimidating man - most likely, instead of answering, he would have pulled me out of the car and hit me in the face with his huge fist. I didn't try to resist. I just became as crazy and hit him with his own weapon.

He stared at me and I spoke again, “Yes, I'm serious. I don't usually cut people and have never cut someone twice before. It's just that today is the kind of day where it doesn't matter what I do or who I meet - including you! - everything goes wrong. Will you become the person who will graciously end my existence?” He immediately changed, calmed down and began to cheer me up: “Hey. What are you, boy, he said. - Everything will be OK. Honestly! Relax, everyone has bad days."

I continued my tirade: “It's easy for you to talk! You didn't ruin everything you touched today, unlike me. I don't think I'm going to be good at anything. Will you help me?" He enthusiastically continued, “No, really. I am not kidding! Everything will be alright. Have a rest". We talked for a few more minutes. Then he returned to the truck, said something to his wife and waved at me in the mirror, as if to say: “Remember. Take it easy. Everything will be fine". And left.

Now I'm not proud of this story. To be honest, the guy in the pickup wasn't the only irrational person on the road that day. But here's what I'm getting at. That big guy could have blown my lungs out. And, perhaps, I would have done this if I tried to reason with him or argue with him. But I met him in his reality where I was a bad person and he had every reason to hit me. Instinctively using a technique I call aggressive submission, I turned him from enemy to ally in less than a minute. Fortunately, my reaction was natural, even on that really bad day. This happened because I put myself in the place of crazy people during many years of my work as a psychiatrist. I've done it thousands of times, in many ways, and I've found it works. Moreover, I know it will work for you too. The psycho mask is a strategy that you can use with any irrational person. For example, to talk:

• with a partner who yells at you or refuses to talk to you;
• with a child screaming "I hate you!" or "I hate myself!";
• with an aging parent who thinks you don't give a damn;
• with an employee who is constantly limp at work;
• with a manager who is always trying to hurt you.

It doesn't matter what type of everyday psycho you are dealing with - the ability to become crazy yourself will allow you to get rid of failed communication strategies and reach out to people. As a result, you will be able to engage in almost any emotional situation and feel confident and in control.

1. Realize that the person you are facing is incapable of rational thought in this situation. Realize that the deep roots of his irrationality lie rather in the distant (or not very distant) past, and not in the current moment, so now you are unlikely to be able to argue or convince him.

2. Define the other person's modus operandi - a unique set of actions that he resorts to when he is not himself. His strategy is to throw you off balance, to make you angry, afraid, frustrated or guilty. When you understand the course of action, you will feel more calm, focused and in control of the situation and will be able to choose the appropriate counter-strategy.

3. Realize that crazy behavior is none of your business. But it says a lot about the person you're dealing with. By ceasing to take his words personally, you will deprive the enemy of an important weapon. However, use the right psychological tools during the conversation, they will keep you from falling into insanity. These tools will allow you to avoid "amygdala hijack" - an intense emotional reaction to a sudden threat. This term, coined by psychologist Daniel Goleman, describes a condition where the amygdala, the fear-producing part of your brain, blocks rational thinking.

4. Talk to an irrational person, plunging into the world of his madness, calmly and objectively. First, take for granted the innocence of the person. This means that you must believe that the person is actually kind and that there is a reason for their behavior. Try not to judge, but to understand what caused this. Secondly, imagine that you are experiencing the same emotions: aggression, misunderstanding, threat.

5. Show that you are an ally, not an enemy: listen calmly and carefully to the person while he blows off steam. Instead of interrupting, let him speak. this way you will surprise the person who is waiting for a retaliatory attack, and get close to him. You can even apologize. And the more carefully and sensitively you reflect the emotions of your opponent, the sooner he will begin to listen to you.

6. When the person calms down, help him move on to more reasonable actions. These steps are the basis of most psychological techniques, which I will teach you (although variations are possible: for example, when dealing with bullies, manipulators or psychopaths). However, keep in mind that going through the prudence cycle with an irrational person is not always easy or fun, and this technique does not always work instantly. And, as with everything in our life, there is a risk that it will not work at all (and there is even the possibility that the situation will worsen). But, if you're desperately trying to get through to someone who's difficult or impossible to control, this method is probably your best bet.

Mark Goulston

A single instance of deceit, a breach of promise, or a single instance of neglect of responsibility may simply be a misunderstanding.

The starting point for our discussion of living with a psychopath is the "Thirteen Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday Life," found on pages 156-162 of Martha Stout's The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout.

Before we turn to the rules themselves, I would like to clarify the issue related to the prevalence of psychopathy and the difference between the meanings of diagnostic terms, which are often used as synonyms.

If you look at the cover of The Sociopath Next Door, you will see next text: "One in 25 ordinary Americans has never heard a voice of conscience and lives without ever feeling guilty about anything at all." Both this statement and the very title of Dr. Stout's book mean that approximately 4 percent of Americans are sociopaths.

Given that her description of sociopathy is virtually the same as that used by researchers and clinicians to clinical definition psychopaths, the 4% of Americans are psychopaths. However, her estimate of the prevalence of sociopathy is more consistent with estimates of the prevalence of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) than with the results of studies on the prevalence of psychopathy. antisocial disorder personality is similar to, but not the same as, psychopathy.

In fact, we don't have much information about how many people in society meet the criteria for the PLC-R (Psychopathy Checklist-Revised), the most common tool for diagnosing psychopathy.

That is, we really do not know how many people in society with high scores on this scale. However, one of latest research using a screening version of the Psychopathic Traits Checklist (PCL:SV) found that less than 1% of the community sample met the criteria for the PCL:SV study for psychopathy.

Sociopathy does not exist as a universally accepted diagnostic unit, and there are no approved scales for diagnosing sociopathy; thus, there are no studies that can tell us whether sociopathy and psychopathy are the same syndrome or not.

So why does it matter if a person can be diagnosed with "Psychopathy"?

The truth is that it makes no difference to the public looking for information about this or that person; the fact of having such a diagnosis also does not particularly help to build a line of conduct with these complex and even dangerous people.

In other words, you may find that these rules for dealing with sociopaths are generally useful for dealing with someone who has psychopath traits. The more psychopathic traits a person has, the more useful these rules can be. In fact, the more psychopathic traits a person has, the more dangerous he or she is, and the more likely they are to be diagnosed with Psychopathy. Regardless of the presence or absence of other personal pathology.

In individuals with personality disorders– especially with features of antisocial personality disorder, as well as narcissistic, hysterical and borderline personality disorders – tend to have some psychopathic personality traits.

Family members, since they do not know if their relative is diagnosed with Psychopathy, should understand that if a person seems to have many of the traits of a psychopath, and also if they are prone to abuse and/or violence, then he or she can be dangerous.

We understand that no studies have been conducted to demonstrate the reliability of these rules. And while we believe that research is the best way to establish the effectiveness of coping strategies, we understand that there is a real need to help people in distress.

We present these rules, along with our interpretations and, in some cases, modifications, because these rules represent one of the most specific and sound guidelines for dealing with psychopathic personalities available today to people who, for whatever reason, are involved in such communication. .

13 Rules of Relationships (Summary)

To help with the application of Dr. Stout's 13 Rules, we've reduced them to a series of concise phrases so it's easier to digest them all together:

1. A psychopath (and you can't tell by his/her appearance) has no conscience.

2. If you feel bad or feel that you are wrong, most likely you are.

3. People must earn your trust, and not just get it.

4. Don't blindly follow anyone, no matter what.

5. If you are being buttered, you must be being gently roasted to be eaten.

6. You can't respect someone you're afraid of.

7. In a one-sided game, you will always lose.

8. Get lost and lost.

9. The story of an unfortunate fate can be an effective means of manipulation.

10. No one can change anyone.

11. Don't become an accomplice.

12. Keep a positive attitude towards life.

13. Live well, be honest with yourself.

13 Rules for Dealing with Sociopaths in Everyday Life

In this section, Dr. Stout's rules (or quotations from her rules) are in italics, followed by our comments.

1. The first rule takes the bitter pill of acknowledging that some people literally have no conscience, and that these people often don't look like Charles Manson or a Ferengi bartender at all. They are like us.

For most of us, those with a conscience, this is hard to understand. We have codes of conduct that tell us what is acceptable and what is not. Every day we judge what is right and what is not on the basis of our internal norms and rules, on the basis of certain internal standards. Having these standards makes us feel regret when we are not good enough.

Conscience can be seen as a moral compass that gives us guidance on how we should spend our time: taking care of what is truly valuable to us; conscience tells us when we have gone astray, even if getting back on the right path takes time and effort.

And this, of course, does not mean that all of us are in agreement about what is right and what is wrong.

For some people, their only compass is to feel good right now:

“So. what do I want right now?”

Psychopathic personalities spend very little time questioning their motives. They don't evaluate their own thoughts or feelings in the way most of us do.

A lack of conscience may help explain why people with psychopathic traits often do not follow predictable and reliable career paths. This also helps explain the general lack of stability in their behavior.

Sometimes a person with psychopathic traits may begin to manipulate others in one direction and then suddenly change that direction for no apparent reason. As if the first direction was based on a whim, and the new one arose after the sudden appearance of a new desire.

Such inconsistent behavior does not make sense from the point of view of a carefully considered decision about core values, but it makes sense if we understand that a person lives, focusing on short-term impulses of his desires.

It is also important to keep in mind that the expression “none of us is perfect” does not mean that we are all the same. If you made some bad decision and let someone down, if someone deceived you, and you allowed this person to deceive your friends or relatives, this does not mean that you and this deceiver are the same.

Even if you need to change your behavior before you can feel good about yourself, that doesn't mean you can't judge another person's actions as wrong if they hurt others.

2. In an argument between your instincts and the social role you play - educator, doctor, leader, animal lover, humanist, parent - listen to your instincts.

This rule has a background. The findings of previous studies suggested that the average person can quite reliably distinguish a psychopath from everyone else, since a psychopath "feels in the gut."

As it turns out, in reality, by the time you figure out that the person you're involved with has a similar disorder, you'll usually be too involved in the relationship to safely leave.

Another problem with this rule is that some of us can trust our instincts - and some of us really can't. Some of us have been so traumatized or so controlled by others that we have actually lost touch with both our feelings and our sense of competence.

Some of us are so accustomed to the unhealthy emotions driving our behavior (resentment, resentment, loneliness, anxiety, guilt) that we really should not trust our instincts, at least until we start dealing with our own problems.

We encourage you to consider the full range of opinions available to you if you are faced with a potentially life-changing choice. As with making a treatment decision, it is helpful to get a second opinion, preferably three or four.

Don't let family conflicts make you deaf to reason, and don't let anyone convince you to accept the unacceptable. If you don't trust your instincts right now, know that time and support can restore your ability to trust your intuition (at least most of the time)!

3. When considering any new relationship, practice the "Rule of Three" by evaluating the claims and promises the person makes and the responsibility he or she takes.

Make the Three Times Rule your personal strategy. A single instance of deceit, a breach of promise, or a single instance of neglect of responsibility may simply be a misunderstanding.

If this happens twice, it can be regarded as a serious mistake. But when a person lied three times, it becomes clear to you that you are dealing with a liar, and deception is the core of his shameless behavior.

Minimize your losses and get out of the relationship as quickly as you can. Breaking up a relationship, although difficult, will be much easier to do now than later; By the way, and less expensive.

We agree with the principle that people should win our trust, and that our own trust or distrust should be based on how people behave, not on what they say.

While the "Rule of Three" makes sense, we also recognize that there is no special "magic" number to decide when to end a relationship with someone. In some cases, two times may be too much.

When starting a new romance, wait at least 3 months before engaging in sexual intimacy - not 3 dates! Sexual intimacy increases feelings of affection and imposes obligations - this happens especially in women; psychopathic people often count on it.

They attack quickly to "devour" someone and force them to say yes before he or she can figure out what they are going to do. While waiting alone is not a guarantee of protection, it can still save you the pain of a relationship with an impatient psychopath.

4. Refute authorities.

Once again - trust your instincts and pursue your own interests, especially with those people who claim that domination, violence, war, or making a deal with conscience, can be great to solve certain problems.

Do this even when, or especially when, everyone around you has completely stopped questioning his/her authority.

We fully agree with Dr. Stout. We also suggest that you be especially suspicious of those who tell you that the truth of the reasons for their actions cannot be questioned; the truthfulness of their stories about where they were or what they did.

Depending on the circumstances, you may be required to be prudent in expressing your suspicions and careful in your choice of words to avoid harm. This is especially true when you are dealing with someone in a position of authority.

5. Suspicious flattery.

Compliments are wonderful, especially when they are sincere. In contrast, flattery is over the top, and appeals to our egos in unrealistic ways. This is the basis of counterfeit charm, and almost always involves the intent to manipulate.

Manipulation through flattery is sometimes harmless, and sometimes it can be sinister. Raise your head and try to look beyond your ego, which is being massaged hard by someone, and do not forget to suspect that you are grossly flattered.

Psychopathic personalities often persecute those who have failed, are under stress, or are forced to be obedient. In difficult periods of life, people especially need support and encouragement.

Many of us understand that it is good to show others that we are going through a difficult period, we need support, - and get this support. It's often an adaptive strategy to open up to people who are trustworthy.

However, it is important to remember that some people tell you that they are trustworthy when in fact they are not. Psychopathic personalities will tell you what you want to hear in order to gain your trust.

We all go through periods in which we have a great need to hear what our loved ones say well about us - especially at a time when we need it. It is important for everyone to develop relationships with trustworthy friends and family members who can be responsive to our needs and give honest feedback.

It also helps to hear the other person's correct assessment of our strengths and weaknesses. Such support groups can be especially important if we are in a place where we have difficulty distinguishing between controlled flattery and honest evaluation.

Too often we mistake fear for respect, and the more we fear someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect...

Let's use our big human brain to fight our animalistic tendency to worship predators...

This rule raises two related, but still different questions. First, according to Dr. Stout, rethinking the concept of respect - it is, first of all, to begin to distinguish between a sense of respect and a sense of fear.

How much we respect people should depend on their benevolent and constructive actions. If someone behaves in ways that are immoral or unethical, that are contrary to our concept of justice, as well as our notions of right and wrong - we cannot and should not respect such actions. We must respect ourselves.

Someone who has repeatedly hurt us, insulted us, or manipulated us shows disrespect for us. To maintain our self-respect, we must act in a way that safeguards and defends our identity and our values ​​in constructive ways.

Will we defend ourselves, defending our own point of view, confronting bad behavior; or asking for help from other people who may be better equipped to help us and protect us - may depend on how afraid we are of someone who hurts or threatens us.

We are sometimes told that to respect someone is to avoid confrontation with him or her. Along with this, we are taught not to interfere with how people live their lives. We are taught to consider other than confrontation options for asserting our point of view (if it is in conflict with someone else's), and view confrontation as irreverent behavior.

However, this approach only works in the context of civilized behavior.. It only works when everyone strives to act in a respectful manner. If either of you is disrespectful, then avoiding pressure and confrontation ensures that you will be exploited or abused.

Assertiveness - this term often means tactfully confronting those who hurt you, or search for people(friends, relatives, specialists, institutions), who can help protect you and your rights.

7. Don't join the game.

Intrigue is a sociopath's tool. Resist the temptation to compete with the seductive sociopath, outsmart him, psychoanalyze him, or even tease him.

In addition to sinking to his level, you will lose sight of what really matters, and that is your own protection.

In some cases, people build complex multi-move games for their own enjoyment.. Here's a hint for you. You are inside someone else's game if you suddenly find that someone takes great pleasure or amuses himself with things that others take seriously.

For example, if someone is having difficulty doing serious and responsible work because of private or individual problems, or because they take pleasure in someone else's suffering or stress; or if someone asks you to do some thing that has nothing to do with the objective rational purpose of the work, but serves to deceive or manipulate others (not for the purpose of a prank, but seriously misleading someone where he will wander for hours, days or weeks) , this may be a danger sign of potential manipulation.

Also, if you find that the game is very difficult and likely to take a huge amount of time, effort, money, etc., it is likely that this game is meant to distract you from something important in your life. Do not join the game!

And if you have already turned on - quickly get out of it! H To get out of the game, it may be necessary to be ready to admit that you will lose something, it can be a lot. However, most likely you will lose even more if you continue to play with this person. Beautiful tango is obtained only when two people dance!

8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to run away from him/her, to refuse any kind of contact or connection.

This rule is intended for those adults who are in a consensual relationship with another adult with psychopathic characteristics. So what do you do when you need to get out of a relationship with a psychopath? It is appropriate to recall the title of Neil Sedaka's song: "Breaking up is hard to do!" ("It's very hard to break up!").

For someone who is young and single, cutting off all contact may not only be acceptable, but often the best thing to do. But, if the person with psychopathic traits present in your life is your spouse, your boss, or a government official with whom you have to deal due to your position, breaking contact may not be the best option, at least for a certain period of time. time.

In cases where a break is not possible, build a plan for yourself, following which, you will come as close as possible to the goal of complete liberation. Build a plan to change relationships, work, and, if necessary, place of residence.

If someone hurts you and/or those around you, then you will put you all at additional risk if you continue to invite that person into your home, or if you continue to let your ability to work depend on his/her grades; and so on.

We recognize that this rule may not work in the case of children with psychopathic characteristics. As a rule, children love their parents. Therefore, when a child does not love his parents and behaves destructively and in dangerous ways, parents get into a heartbreaking conflict.

And the family court system seems to take little account of parental trauma while living with children with psychopathic characteristics. However, even when a child seems to have many such features, there is still the possibility of correcting such a child, albeit for quite a long time.

Even so, the stress and trauma of other family members can have devastating consequences not only for parents, but for everyone else in the house.

Therefore, if parents believe that one of their children has psychopathic traits, they should strive to show this child. qualified specialist. In addition, we encourage parents to maintain a therapeutic relationship with professionals who will help them parent these difficult children as effectively as possible.

We look forward to developing a variety of additional resources to help parents care for children at risk of developing psychopathy, but the best resources will never replace professional help.

9. Question your tendency to feel sorry for people too easily.

Respect should be reserved for the kind and morally courageous.

Pity is another socially valuable response; and it should target innocent people who are in real pain, or who have failed.

Psychopathic personalities often manipulate other people's emotions professionally and profit from it. A well-crafted story about a difficult life can be an effective ploy—a standard move by many people with psychopathic traits.

If you are responding to a request for help that includes someone else depending on your resources, pay attention and set boundaries. Remember, whether you feel pity or compassion, you have a choice about what you do.

10. Don't try to wait for something that won't happen.

The second (third, fourth, and fifth) chances are for people who have a conscience.

If you're dealing with a person who has no conscience, you know how hard it is to swallow and survive failure... sociopathic behavior is not your fault, not in the least.

This is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.

The simple truth is that no one has the power to change anyone. You can be a positive support to someone who takes the trouble to change, but it is the person who is determined to change who takes the trouble to change.

Since the early 1980s, the concept of “codependency” has been the subject of psychological research.

Subsequently, Timmen Cermak built the following

five criteria or features for a proposed diagnostic category for codependent personality disorder:

A. A continuous investment of self-esteem in the ability to control both oneself and others in the face of severe adverse consequences. Codependents suffer from willpower distortion and invest excessive amounts of energy in efforts to improve/help others in search of some semblance of self worth.

B. Taking responsibility for meeting the needs of others, even to the point of denying your own.

C. Anxiety and borderline disorders associated with intimacy and separation.

D. Confused relationships with personality disordered, chemically addicted, other codependent and/or impulsive disordered individuals.

E. Three or more of the following: narrowing of emotions, depression, hypervigilance, compulsiveness, anxiety, substance abuse, excessive denial, repeated episodes of physical or sexual abuse, stress-related physical illness, primary relationship with an active substance abuser for as long as at least two years.

The fact is that an attempt to save a person with this or that disorder can cause a violation of the personality of the one who saves!

If you feel that saving someone is becoming your life's goal, please see a qualified professional (source: Cermak, T. L. (1986). Diagnosing and treating codependence. Minneapolis: Johnson Institute. Cermak, T. L. (1991). Co-addiction as a disease Psychiatric Annals, 21, 266-272.)

11. Never agree, out of pity or any other reason, to help a sociopath hide his true colors.

“Please don't say anything…no, no…I don't need help” - these words are often said with tears in the eyes and gnashing of teeth; and this is the signature template of thieves, child abusers - and psychopaths. Don't listen to this sweet siren song. You should warn other people about this "song" because sociopaths do not deserve you to keep their secrets.

If someone without a conscience insists that you "owe" him/her, remember what you read here: "You owe me" has probably been the standard psychopath line for thousands of years. We tend to take this "You owe me" as a valid claim, but it's just not true.

Don't listen. Also, ignore the following argument, which will not take long to be expressed: "Do you think you are better than me? You are the same." - No, you are not the same.

12. Protect your psyche.

Do not let someone without a conscience, or even a number of such people, convince you that humanity is flawed. Most people do have a conscience. Most people are capable of love.

Many people who have been victims of a person with psychopathic traits say they can never trust anyone again. Many former victims say they can't move on because they continue to live in fear of a repeat of the abuse.

If the relationship leaves a trail of loss of trust and a sense of security, then the resulting distress can increase the duration of a person's suffering for many years after the end of the traumatic relationship in which the person was the victim.

If your psyche has been damaged by a traumatic relationship with a psychopathic person, you must heal and recover so that you can continue to live. You must make your recovery the priority of your life: something that deserves your time and attention. The people who care about you will probably be happy to help you through this process - if they understand what you've been through.

If you have trust issues or live in constant fear, and if your attempts to fix it yourself fail, we strongly recommend that you seek professional help.

13. Living well is the best way to get revenge.

Psychopathic personalities train those around them to be hyper-vigilant to their needs. If you have successfully passed such training, then you concentrate all your life energy around a person with psychopathic features. Now is the time to take back your life.

It's time to turn your attention to your own health and well-being. Start with a good diet and workout plan. If necessary, seek medical help to solve health problems, if you have them. Plan to return to the activities and hobbies you love. In short, take back your normal life.

We also believe that hatching plans for revenge is a sign that you have not completely separated from the person who hurt you. Living well is a great option for revenge, but an even better option is to allow yourself to live for your own benefit. Do your best to make your time on Earth as meaningful and productive for yourself and your loved ones as you can.

In the following section, we have identified additional strategies that supplement Dr. Stout's original 13 Rules and/or make additional comments about specific aspects of these rules, and therefore deserve special attention.

Beyond 13 Rules:

additional strategies for coping with the consequences of a relationship with a psychopathic personality

To help you think about this group of additional strategies, we have also reduced them to a series of shorthand phrases so that they are easier to digest together:

9 additional strategies briefly:

1. Don't jump to conclusions.

2. If the prince on a white horse is a bad dream, you need to wake up.

3. Find a port in a storm.

4. Avoid taking risks for thrills.

5. Don't be easy prey.

6. Get help and help others.

7. Record, record, record.

8. Find or create a circle of support.

9. Trying to get revenge is an idiot's choice.

Nine Complementary Strategies for Dealing with People with Psychopathic Traits

1. If you believe you are dealing with a psychopathic person, you should check if this is the case before jumping to conclusions.

If you don't have a lot of information, it makes sense to get more of it before you jump to conclusions. If you have already accumulated a large number of coherent evidence that someone in your life has a significant amount of psychopathic traits, then You may need to start taking steps to protect yourself and those you love.

The term "psychopathy" is seriously overused in our culture.(See A Primer on Psychopathy by Kosson and Hare and What “Psychopath” Means by Lilienfeld and Arkowitz). It is used to denote evil, sadism or hostility, or in general all mental disorders.

The term is so widely and so misused that someone (source lost) once said, "A psychopath is someone we don't like." In reality, psychopathy is a specific disorder - a personality disorder - which is characterized by a certain type of unusual behavior and unusual tendencies in various areas life (in family life, at work, in friendships, in relationships with parents, in the presence of unusual hobbies, in criminal inclinations).

If you start to wonder if there is a psychopath among your friends and relatives, keep in mind that the largest number violence, if not all violence and abuse in the world, is perpetrated by individuals who do not have this particular constellation of character traits.

In fact, it turns out that most lies are told and betrayals are committed by people who, by their nature, do not have psychopathic features. Inadvertently labeling your loved one as a psychopath can permanently block your path to constructive resolution of problems in your relationship.

However, we can describe the signs of psychopathy here so that you can get a rough idea of ​​whether the person you are concerned about has any of them. Information about the presence of these signs may not be available to you if you have no idea how exactly this person behaves with other people; this can only be known if you either see him/her in social situations with others, or if you ask people who see him/her in such situations.

In addition, it is important to consider counter examples. If a person frequently acts in ways that suggest the opposite of psychopathy (eg, humility, straightforwardness, acceptance of responsibility, careful consideration of alternatives), then the person causing problems in your life probably does not have many psychopathic traits, although he or she may there may be some symptoms of a personality disorder, and perhaps even some signs of psychopathy.

If we see someone for a long time, we get to know his characteristics quite well, and also get to know about what he is like in different areas of his/her life. Diagnosing psychopathy without special training is really difficult; and yet, it is not difficult for a careful and fair observer to see the inherent qualities of the mind and character of a person, as long as they are in plain sight.

2. If you understand that you are in a romantic relationship with an adult who has psychopathic traits, and yet you are determined to maintain a relationship or contact with this person, ask yourself about your motives for doing so.

Sometimes people who fall in love with psychopaths find it very difficult to let them go. If you can't let him/her go, and you're willing to continue a relationship with someone you think is a psychopath, then there's likely something wrong with you and it might be a good idea to try to get professional help.

It can be tempting to keep convincing yourself that the person will change. (See Martha Stout Rule #10.) It can be tempting to continue to ignore the contradictions between what a person says and does. You may continue to suppress your doubts and distrust for fear of being alone again.

Realizing somewhere inside what a huge loss you will face if you decide to break up with the person you wanted to have as your partner in life, you may decide that you are not ready for this turn of events and become determined to do everything or almost everything to avoid such grief or such loss.

Professional psychologists responsibly declare to you: the person to whom you gave your love does not exist. This image is actually a figment of your imagination and is carefully drawn for you by the predator that has trapped you in his/her web of deceit.

But if grief is really inevitable, then what do you get by postponing it? ..

Other reasons may also encourage you to seek out or maintain relationships with psychopathic people. The desire to stay with a delightful psychopath can be fueled both by a lack of understanding of the essence and dangers of this disorder, as false feeling own invulnerability, and risking love for the sake of sharpness of feelings.

Some people talk about psychopaths with an intonation of surprise, fear, and admiration in their voices. Continue to wonder, fear and admire the Grand Canyon, the pyramids of Egypt or the true wonders of life, please. (Here we are also referring to those misinformed fans who send love notes and "fan letters" to known maniacs and serial killers.)

3. Look for people you can trust and who have not been and/or will not be deceived by the psychopath.

Listen carefully to what these people think, especially when you are in the trap of romantic passion, then give yourself time to cool down and think.

There are several reasons for this advice. If you are one on one with a psychopath, for such a person it costs nothing to remake your reality. The psychopathic personality will present reality as it is in this moment convenient for him/her, although this reality will be completely inconsistent with the facts. An isolated person is easier to brainwash, easier to control.

Having other people around you who are aware of that person's behavior makes it more difficult to manipulate you. Other people who are not deceived can also provide an important check on what the psychopath is saying and how things are in reality, to help you maintain your line of conduct and give you feedback on how well you are doing.

However, groupthink can also support the psychopath, so it is advisable to look for opinions external to your environment or the "cult support group" of the psychopathic individual.

Another reason is that people often lose their support groups when they associate with people who have psychopathic traits. One of the tricks of such a predator is to isolate you from friends and family.

We all need close relationships with people who are trustworthy. If you are in a relationship with someone you cannot trust, then your needs for love, dependency, and attention will either not be met, or presumably will be met by only one person - the psychopath.

In fact, you will be happier if there are many people around who support you. In addition, a healthy support group will help you escape from a psychopath and emotionally recover from the trauma you have suffered. A good support group may include family and friends, as well as counselors and therapists.

How do you know who is trustworthy? This is a difficult question. There is no rule to be followed. However, to avoid being deceived or betrayed, it is important to observe the person's actions and ask yourself questions.

If you have been overly trusting in the past, it is understandable that you can become extremely cautious when checking whether any person deserves your trust. When you're unsure of someone's actions, it's good to test your hunches by discussing them with your friends or members of your support group (including the people on the Psychopath Survival Consequences Forum). This practice can help you appreciate how sensitive your instincts are.

The snag can be when, on the one hand, you cannot trust someone you are afraid of, and on the other hand, you may not have any close relationship with a person you can trust.

4. Make sure you understand the difference between taking calculated risks to achieve a rewarding goal and taking careless risks to get a thrill.

No one would voluntarily choose a relationship for the sole purpose of harming their physical, emotional, or financial security. Therefore, very few of us associate with people in whom we see an excess of psychopathic traits.

If you have a person with psychopathic traits in your life, then you probably did not understand the risks involved and - in many cases - the costs when you entered into a relationship with this person. You should never feel guilty about being duped by someone who may have worked very hard to deceive you, and who certainly didn't tell you about their destructive personality traits.

However, whenever you interact with someone who has psychopathic traits, you are not only putting yourself at risk, you are also putting others at risk. Many psychopaths weave a large web of deceit, which is supported by the many, many relationships they have established for this purpose.

Psychopaths are good at surrounding themselves with people who give them legitimacy in the minds of others and who serve as "fronts". For this purpose, they are able to use anyone: ministers, clerics and rabbis, family members and, of course, children. If people refuse to participate in the life of a psychopath, then he or she will be very limited in his/her ability to harm and deceive anyone.

5. Question your reactions to seductive overtures, especially when they are lavished with charm, sympathy and flattering attention.

People with psychopathic traits often seem to be able to perceive our deepest needs and respond to them with empathy and consideration in order to gain our trust because they seem to understand our deepest longing.

For most of us, our instinctive responses to seek out what is good for us and avoid what is bad for us are a good indicator of what is going on around us, even though we can all be wrong or deceived at times.

And yet, when our self-confidence and self-esteem are low, our defenses are reduced, and we may be exceptionally receptive to a psychopath who cares about our well-being. Our vulnerability is an open invitation to someone unscrupulous to deceive us - sometimes for immediate gain, and sometimes to have us on the hook "just in case".

We can then be included in a "cover group" that allows this exceptional predator to continue to pursue his/her momentary whims. Taking a closer look at what makes us feel good when we are depressed can be very difficult, but it can save us from much more torment in the future.

6. If you can find professionals to help you, do so and ask them to train other professionals involved in your situation.

As a member litigation say in a divorce or child custody lawsuit that you may need professional representation of your part of the dysfunctional family history.

Many people in such tense situations were penalized for pointing out that the other party had a mental disorder. This tendency to see pathology in the one we divorce is often considered part of the "parental alienation syndrome" (RA Gardner, 1985).

While it's natural to feel hostile whenever someone turns out to be a bad, unfaithful partner or abuser, none of these things compare to the suffering inflicted by a psychopath.

To avoid punishment for the other party's behavior, which may be associated with manifestations of psychopathy, you may need the help of a specialist. An expert can be very helpful in trying to explain to others involved in the situation what psychopathy is and what devastating effects it brings to the family.

It is important to distinguish between your feelings of anger at what someone has done to you and/or your child and the need to deal with the situation in a constructive manner to reduce possible harm in future. If you are divorcing a person with psychopathic traits, your main goal should be to reduce future harm.

If an attorney, doctor, or judge, etc., tells you to trust a psychopath and that his/her words are reasonable enough, then they know nothing about this syndrome, nor about the deception and manipulation that people, those who suffer from it daily pour it out on those around them. You may be tempted to talk about them publicly.

However, you can be very risky in trying to educate uninformed professionals on your own. If you are too emotionally unstable or too angry and hostile, it may be difficult for some professionals to take your words seriously, even if you are stating the facts.

In addition, some professionals may take defensive position or refuse to trust you if they feel that you are critical of them or suspect them of incompetence. In some extreme cases, professionals have even accused the victims of provoking the other person in order to sway the court to their side.

If you feel like you are annoying a professional or making things worse, it may be more helpful to step back and enlist the support of someone who is recognized as an expert. for him to help you.

7. Write down problematic and destructive behaviors, incidents, expenses - any issues related to the psychopath person and his/her attitude towards you.

Often there is no substitute for hard evidence of illegal, unethical, or cruel behavior.

If there is a court order or you are facing legal liability, what you put in writing and file may save you someday. Many people say they were shocked to learn that the judge issued a ruling that seems to be based on a false impression of the "proper" behavior of a psychopath.

If there is no documentation of someone's abusive behavior, lies and contradictions, cheating or criminal activity, then truthful speeches can be very persuasive. Because this can get you in trouble in the future, keep and store your records in a safe place, and be careful where and with whom you trust your information.

8. Seek support from other people who have been associated with psychopathic personalities and have recovered.

It can be a great relief to talk to someone who has experienced everything first hand. This may be true even if your experience is somewhat unique. You may find that the combination of a good therapist and a fellow psychopath survivor can help you heal from trauma.

You may want to consider starting a support group visit to help you recover. There are support sources that can help you through this process, but as with everything else, You must be careful in choosing consultants and advisors, having the subject of healing from communication with a psychopathic personality. The theme itself can attract predators.

9. A much, much healthier decision is to end the relationship and go your own way than to remain trapped in the relationship and try to get revenge.

Victims and family members often want to know how they can beat the psychopath at his/her game. One woman asked: “What psychological tactics can you offer to deal with a psychopath? There must be some tools and strategies to be one step ahead of him.”

An understandable desire - since the desire to defeat the psychopathic personality is often associated with the pain suffered and the desire to regain self-esteem. But remember that as long as you want revenge, and as long as you keep playing the game trying to win, you remain connected to the psychopathic person; and you keep postponing and postponing recovery and transition to a new stage of your life.

Letting go of the relationship is an essential part of the recovery process. Even revenge fantasies can make you incapable of the job you should be doing.

Conclusion

Now that we've discussed the 13 Rules and suggested 9 additional strategies to consider, perhaps we should return to answering the main question:

Are there ways to effectively deal with a psychopath other than a complete and unconditional breakup?

First, remember that psychopaths don't want what you want.

Your goals are most likely related to the deep feelings of love and compassion you have for those closest to you; the goals of the psychopath are most likely related to his/her desire for momentary pleasure, often through power over others. Psychopaths are not interested in the needs and desires of either close or distant people. They are only interested in how they will get what they want now.

If you don't understand that psychopaths aren't motivated by the same things that motivate you, then you won't be able to deal with them. In order to better navigate, try one small exercise.

Imagine what your relationships with loved ones and loved ones would be like if neither guilt, nor sympathy, nor compassion, nor responsibility, nor long-term planning were included in your decision-making process.

Imagine that your choice is based solely on what will benefit you now, without even considering your own future. Now imagine the combination of an insatiable lust for power and thrill not balanced by feelings of guilt, sympathy and compassion. A psychopath is like a sports car with a gas pedal and a faulty brake system.

We have just armed you with a summary of our views on psychopath motivation.

You may find that keeping this picture in your mind helps you deal with the situation more successfully. (For a more detailed perspective, see which of the signs on the Psychopathic Traits Checklist apply to the person in your life that you have to deal with.)

Consider human behavior in different situations(with various people), and how well he fits the image of a psychopath.

Place more weight on the actual behavior of the psychopathic person over time than on the person's appearance or statements.

If this image fits, then:

1. Always communicate briefly and to the point.

2. Set clear boundaries.

3. Insist that you get everything he/she owes (owes) you and that the person with psychopathic traits obey court orders or job descriptions.

4. Don't try to hurt the person or make them angry; it will only raise the stakes.

5. Most importantly: STOP waiting for the psychopath to start behaving like a normal person and not like who they really are - someone who has anomalous motives and lacks guilt, empathy and compassion. .published .

Have questions - ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet