Terrible diagnosis. How to survive a terrible diagnosis

In the feed there are several posts in a row from friends: they themselves or those closest to them have an oncological diagnosis. The emotional tone of these posts is understandable: such news knocks you down.

And since after it turned out that I had just this very diagnosis, all these sensations are fresh in my memory, it seemed important to me to write a few things - what if my personal experience is useful to someone?

I will not write about the necessary medical actions- there are countless cases, everyone has their own recipe, but I want to talk about something else, about what, perhaps, not everyone comes to mind, that is, about important rules the behavior of the person who was diagnosed with this diagnosis, and the rules of behavior of his loved ones.

For the person himself: remember, the most emotionally unpleasant thing has already happened, you learned about your diagnosis. Then it will be easier, because you need to do this, choose treatment, comfort loved ones - this is also a big and important work they are worse off now than you. This, about loved ones, is very important to remember. They are yours main group support and support, they must be protected and saved, otherwise you will have no one to rely on in the upcoming difficult moments of treatment. Therefore, take this resource soberly and store it without wasting it on trifles - it sounds a little cynical, but it's true.

Turn on your sense of humor, look at yourself from the outside and realize that your situation is not the worst - after all, no one is immortal, and an oncological diagnosis is not the worst in the world, there are many more unpleasant things. If you look at yourself bald with healthy self-irony, you may find that you are a typical ancient roman. And it gives some sense of pride :). There is no absolute certainty that laughter cures cancer, but it gives strength to live with cancer, and strength is exactly what you need right now, right?

In no case, as far as it is in your power, do not disconnect from normal life: if you can, continue to work remotely, do not give up your hobbies and hobbies, as far as possible, pull yourself outside by the ears, even if you have no strength after chemotherapy or radiation. Try to keep your “diary” of achievements - I remember it was very important that I walked two blocks on Tuesday, and already four on Thursday. It's inspiring and very supportive. Be proud of yourself!!

Try to find someone who can be helped, who is worse off than you. There was an aunt in my room who was very scared, and she talked about it all the time. I was scared too, but I tried to distract her.

And in the end I found that wow, I'm not scared anymore! At the same time, the aunts calmed down :))).

And for sure, for sure, after the first shock, you will find your own methods of dealing with yourself - and the fight against cancer is exactly the fight with yourself! Share them then, okay? And the most important thing, in my opinion, is that it is not in our power to know our life span, but it is in our power to spend this time in such a way that others would envy us.

But if suddenly you feel that you can’t cope emotionally with the situation, you don’t have to think that you are Batman. You have the right to weakness, and tears, and periods bad mood- just remember that, generally speaking, if you go over the limit, these are your main enemies, and if these guests are frequent, it may make sense to talk to a psychologist. This often helps. And be sure to remember - it's up to you to hold out: time works for us, new methods and methods of treatment appear that were inaccessible to people before.

And now two words to those who are close to the sick loved ones, and to those who are close to them.

Please remember that cancer these days is not a death sentence. Rather, this is the same sentence as life in general, which can be both terrible and beautiful at the same time. It is possible that in the course of your loved one's struggle with the disease, you will discover such depths of love and tenderness that you could not even suspect. And ultimately, this is about happiness, no matter how blasphemous it may sound. Of course, you will need a lot of strength, patience and perseverance, and a lot of discipline, because the treatment involves very strict discipline, and this is difficult for such gouges as our family, for example - but it is really necessary.

Please never hide from an adult important details - from what the doctor has told you. Your patient will still guess that you have something on your mind, but will not be able to discuss this important thing with you. It unbelievably knocks the ground out from under your feet.

It is very important to know that your patient is now as emotionally dependent on you as possible. This does not mean that you are required to constantly smile and say that everything is bullshit, it’s just no good - it just means that you don’t have to leave him alone, it’s much better to hug, cry together, and then say - “ well, yes, it’s bad now, but it will be better, God willing!” And try to really think like that.

You will have to come to terms with a change in lifestyle, and with large quantity inconvenience, and with your patient's mood swings - but these are just circumstances, the same as many others.

It is very important - do not isolate yourself within the family. Write to friends on social networks, seek support from friends and acquaintances, speak out loud about the needs that have arisen. People are usually happy to help, but they don't always know how. Help those who help, they will be grateful to you. My husband and I would never have coped with the situation if it were not for real help from all over the world.

And forgive in advance those who will write to you - "hold on" and "everything will be fine." These two phrases will infuriate you, but in a strange way, they will really create invisible but tangible support for you. The word is not a little, it is a lot. Verified :))

But nevertheless - to friends of relatives of the sick: if you can, try to offer effective help, because nothing demoralizes a patient's relative like the phrases - "keep your tail with a gun and don't sour!" He has the right to sour. And the tail with a gun may not work. But it is simply important for him to know that you are near, without excessive positive.

A long remission for all of us, and, if possible, a complete victory. There are many of us, which means it’s not so scary anymore.

Children are sick. This is fine. ARI and SARS, chickenpox, mumps, even meningitis, measles and scarlet fever - the diagnoses are unpleasant, but not very scary - there are understandable treatment, and they usually recover fairly quickly.

And there are really terrible diagnoses:

• they look like a surname after the word "syndrome" - Down, Rhett, Williams, Smith-Magenis, Steven-Johnson, etc.
• or as abbreviations: cerebral palsy, UO, ZPR, ZPRR, ADHD
• or as familiar words like "autism", "schizophrenia", "imbecility", "leukemia", "lymphoma", etc.
• or as unknown to anyone and from this even more frightening words of the rarest diseases.

To learn such things about your child, especially for people who grew up in an aggressive, intolerant society, is grief. Grief is a state in which a person gets when he loses something very important for himself.

In the case of a terrible diagnosis for a child, a person often loses all or some of this:

FEELING SAFE, gets into the experience of danger to the life of the child and his own;

A FEELING OF STABILITY AND CERTAINTY, just now everything was clear and suddenly the situation suddenly changed, changed dramatically and dramatically, new unknown data appeared in it, a lot of unknown ones!

IMAGE OF THE FUTURE, falls into a state of uncertainty of the future, yesterday we were planning something, dreaming, going, and now what's next?

IMAGE OF YOURSELF, YOUR IDENTITY. For example, something like this: “I am a parent healthy child", "I - good parent"," I am prosperous successful person”, “I am someone who can handle any situation”, “I am someone who never loses heart” and even “I am someone who is always lucky”, etc. There can be very different identities that suffer when confronted with terrible diagnosis. None of us ever dreamed about the identity of “parent of a disabled child” or “parent of a terminally ill child” and even about the identity of “parent of a premature baby” and did not pretend it to ourselves. To accept such a role is very difficult and scary. To abandon the former identity is bitter, eerie.

If a person has lost something, he begins to grieve. Researchers say that the process of mourning includes such stages as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Despair/Sadness, Acceptance. They don't have to be in that order. We will not go into theory now.
After all, if a person is experiencing grief, he is not up to a complex theory, not up to smart words. It is very difficult for him to remain calm and soberly assess the situation, choose reasonable steps. A person loses the ability to think critically and begins to rush about in search of a refutation of the diagnosis or " magic pill”, which will quickly save his child from this terrible diagnosis.

This is fine! Our psyche cannot stand uncertainty, that is, it cannot be in it. long time, always striving to find support, stability, clarity and a way out, a solution, a plan of action.

The more unexpected the news of the diagnosis turned out to be for a person, the less clear it is, the less clarity in treatment and prognosis, the higher the likelihood that the news will become shock for the parent and will be perceived by his psyche as traumatic. The main emotion in this case is fear. Fear for the life of the child (now and in the future) and his own with such a child. This fear is an animal horror. Such intense fear disables or weakens functions frontal lobes brain responsible for planning. Management is intercepted by an older, and therefore more strong part brain - the limbic system and, which has only 3 options for action: fight, run or freeze.

A person experiencing shock falls into one of these states or into each of them alternately. How does it manifest itself?

BAY: a person reacts to the words and actions of others and to events aggressively, excessively and not adequately to the situation, any little thing causes him irritation or a flash of aggression, or tears, sobbing, which is difficult to cope with.

RUN: a person tries to get away from problems and overwhelming tasks, as if to run away, hide his head in the sand “I don’t want to know anything, I don’t want to decide anything, I want to fall asleep and wake up, and all this horror has disappeared” or physically escapes - from the family, from the child, into own sickness and helplessness.
Or vice versa, it is included in a stormy chaotic activity - urgently, faster, save, run, time is running out! A person is thrown from side to side, he rushes about in a panic between doctors, healers, osteopaths, homeopaths, different specialists and charlatans, selling property, getting into huge debts to pay for the services of all these people, sometimes rushing around the world, unwisely wasting all his and family's resources.

FREEZE: the person seems to switch off from what is happening, weakly reacts to external stimuli, if you persistently pull him, he answers “huh? what? yeah." With his body he is here, but with his thoughts somewhere far / deep or nowhere, in a ringing void.

By these signs, you can determine that a person is in shock or a post-shock state in which he is stuck. He needs help, preferably the help of professional psychologists who can work with shock trauma. It is important for others to understand that the main thing that a person in such a state needs is the return of calmness, stability and the ability to think clearly and make informed decisions. It is quite difficult to turn to his logic, appeal to the voice of reason, try to explain something and (re) convince of something - the highest mental functions weakened, because the limbic system turned on the SOS siren at full power! ALARM! Can you yourself be calm, think clearly and make reasonable decisions in a room where a fire siren howls and emergency lights flash? And if you have been locked in this room for a month, a year, several years? Represented? Which the main task in such situation? Correctly. Turn off the siren and lights.

In order to do this, you need to turn not so much to the mind as to the body. Only the whole body as a whole is our more powerful partner, able to calm the limbic system, that is, to resist the ancient structures of our own brain and return us to control and the ability to think clearly.

Therefore, it is important for a person to come to the maximum possible this moment calm state before making any decisions related to the child. And the main task of a helping specialist (doctor, psychologist, other professional) or a relative who is nearby is to help the parent return to a state of calm.

In addition to fear, parents experience many other difficult experiences. More about them and how you can help in the video story about the concept of helping parents of "special" children of the "Special Resource" project, which we called "Exiting the Labyrinth of Powerlessness".

Worst diagnosis ever

… There was a session. A female student friend dropped in on us with a textbook under her arm. Her eyes were large and fearful. "Oh, girls, I just read "Oncology". And it seems to me that I have cancer of everything!"

Familiar to many medical students, an attack of cancerophobia (“fear of cancer”) overtook the girl just before the exam. Before that, to be honest, she rarely looked at the textbook. And then after all, it is written there ...
But for mere mortals who are not versed in medicine, it is even worse - under the veil of mystery that is customary to cover this diagnosis, everything only looks worse. Doctors have special words and designations for him, incomprehensible to patients. "Look, just be quiet," the teacher says to the students crowded into the ward. And after 5 minutes, everyone in the room knows that the old woman is doomed. Except for herself.
It is difficult to say what is more - harm or benefit - brought the custom in our medicine to hide terrible truth. In the West, there was a different point of view on this matter: the patient must know everything in order to put in order, firstly, the papers, and secondly, the relationship with God. But despite these differences, humanity is united in its determination to defeat cancer. Because the oncological diseases as a cause of death ranked second after cardiovascular. So, if someone is not lucky enough to die of a heart attack, then ...
But there is no need to panic. Cancer is not a predator, suddenly attacking you from an ambush. Knowing what it is and where it comes from, you can minimize the risk of disease.
As you know, all cells of the body are constantly updated. The tumor begins with the fact that in some of the cells there is a breakdown in that part of the genetic apparatus that regulates reproduction, and it gets out of control. The main cause of DNA damage are chemical carcinogens (substances cancer-causing). "Terrible and terrible" radiation is far behind them in this.
On the initial stage the tumor almost does not manifest itself. Therefore, a doctor is often consulted when it is already too late... As the tumor grows, changes in the cells continue, they seem to "fall into childhood", cease to fulfill their normal function and respond to signals from the body. The connections between them are weakened, part of them, coming off, with the blood and lymph flow are carried to other organs - metastases (secondary tumor foci) occur. A growing tumor compresses nearby organs, sometimes it grows into them, and in addition, it absorbs, like a parasite, necessary for the body nutrients, poisons him with the products of his vital activity and, as a result, simply "eats" a person.
Well, enough horror. Of course, all this time the immune system is not inactive. The vast majority of "wrong" cells are destroyed immediately after their appearance. Imagine, according to WHO, every 8 minutes in the body there is cancer cell. What would we do if not for our immune system? No wonder it was at the seminar on immunology that I first had the idea that there is a God. It is hard to imagine that such an ingenious mechanism arose by itself ...
In general, the first thing to do in order to prevent is to strengthen the immune system. How? Moreover, at school they passed: healthy lifestyle life, sports, hardening, balanced diet. By the way, now it is considered very harmful to "fry" on the beach for a long time - solar radiation and immunity reduces, and it has a bad effect on the skin. Doctors advocate wide-brimmed hats and sunscreen.
Secondly, it is better to load the body less with these same carcinogens, and this is everything smoked and fried (especially in reusable fat), as well as the infamous nitrates, not to mention smoking - the Ministry of Health constantly warns anyway ... True, in some countries instead of dry lettering print photographs of smokers dying of cancer. They say it's impressive!
Among the factors leading to cancer, tobacco occupies 30%, malnutrition- 35%. So, by eliminating them, you reduce the risk of getting cancer by 3 times! Occupational hazards, geophysical factors, nutritional supplements etc. lead to cancer much less often. Alcohol itself is not a carcinogen, but enhances their effect. In terms of diet, it is also recommended to refrain from eating too hot, fatty and spicy food, but lean on vegetable fiber.
Vitamins are of great importance for cancer prevention - primarily beta-carotene (provitamin A), vitamins C and E. Being antioxidants, they "correct" the action of carcinogens, increase immunity; vitamin C also sharply inhibits the synthesis of carcinogenic nitrosamines from those same nitrates. By the way, expensive imported fruits are far from champions in vitamin C content. Most of it is in rose hips, young walnuts, sea buckthorn, blackcurrant, bell pepper, sprouted grains, as well as in dill, parsley, fresh and sauerkraut, and even in potatoes, only properly cooked.
Vitamin E is found in any vegetable oil, rose hips, soy and other legumes. It, unlike vitamin C, is not destroyed by cooking. Beta-carotene is found in everything red and orange - in carrots, pumpkins, rosehips, etc., as well as in parsley and dill. Use with these products a small amount fat ( vegetable oil, cream, sour cream) increases the absorption of beta-carotene by 10 times. So improve your diet, and if you feel unbearably craving smoked bacon, have a bite of it, at least, a bunch of greens.
It is also considered very beneficial fasting(By the way, it’s not worth the money at all). At the same time, the body, thinking what to eat, destroys, first of all, defective, abnormal cells. You just need to fast properly and after consulting with your doctor.
It is vital to seek early medical care. In Japan, for example, after the introduction of a universal annual gastroscopy, gastric cancer is almost always cured in early stages- relatively easy and complete. Women need regular visits to the gynecologist and monthly self-examination of the mammary glands. Often, cancer occurs in the background of previous chronic diseases so you can't run them. It is necessary to monitor the condition of the skin. In the case of the appearance of a fast-growing mole with uneven edges and uneven coloring, you should definitely see a doctor (melanoma is dangerous because it metastasizes very early).
By the way, of all cancers, stomach cancer is the most common, followed by lung cancer, skin cancer, and cancer in men. lower lip and in women, uterine cancer, breast cancer, and skin cancer. Most These diseases can either be prevented or at least detected early. So draw conclusions and take action, instead of just being afraid.
What is still scary? And rightly so. To be honest, I don’t understand at all how people manage to live without God in a world where there is cancer and there is death. How can they "rely only on themselves" and "govern own life"? "For what is your life? A vapor that appears for a little while and then disappears" (James 4:14).
Therefore, it is probably not too reasonable to make health care the meaning of life, to shake over own body, which will still turn to dust, sit on unthinkable diets and sleep in a pressure chamber, like Michael Jackson once did.
The other extreme is also bad - negligent attitude to one's own health is not approved by either medicine or the Bible. The bible calls our body God's temple and says that "whoever destroys the temple of God, God will punish him."
Probably ideal - to observe the measure between these extremes, to take care of health as much as possible, and for the rest to hope for God. And this hope will not fail, even if the same terrible diagnosis overtakes ...

Specialists treat such experiences with understanding. And yet they warn: do not succumb to despondency! Having learned the terrible truth and survived the first shock, it is important to be able to choose LIFE.

Our consultant - psychologist Maria Belykh.

After receiving a confirmed diagnosis of a serious illness, a person in one form or another goes through five stages of acceptance of the diagnosis. Hundreds of unanswered questions swarm in my head. The future hangs like a black cloud. After all, the worst thing is the unknown. Psychologists assure: it is completely normal reaction. In such a situation, it is natural and even necessary to pass certain period grief, mourn the changes that have occurred in fate. The main thing is not to get stuck in any of these stages.

Stage one. Shock and/or denial

Having received a confirmed diagnosis of a serious illness, the first hours or even days a person experiences a state of shock. He lives and acts "on the machine" and may look completely calm and healthy.

Following the shock comes panic, the person begins to rush about in the literal and figurative sense. To protect itself, the psyche develops a “denial reflex”: the patient does not believe in his diagnosis, often tries to lead ordinary life, avoiding any reminders of the disease. This momentary state of denial is a natural defensive reaction However, if a person stays in this state for too long, then, firstly, he experiences severe stress, and secondly, he puts his life at great risk, because he does not go to the doctor and does not take care of his health. At the same time, relatives can remain in complete ignorance: often they either hide the diagnosis from them, or they do not know the whole truth. Therefore, at this stage, a person can feel very lonely, even isolated from the world, alone with his fear.

How to cope. educate yourself by collecting complete information about your illness. From acquaintance with the disease, one should gradually move on to acquaintance with the sick - that is, with people suffering from the same disease. As the observations of doctors in the Moscow Center show multiple sclerosis, even the usual benevolent communication of patients with each other increases the effectiveness of treatment and quality of life.

Stage two. Anger

As soon as a person passes the first stage, he begins to face reality and understands: serious disease now a part of his life. And often he begins to feel angry - at God, at himself for doing something wrong, at doctors who cannot cure him, at others - for ignorance and misunderstanding. And for the fact that they ... are still healthy.

Even though anger is a normal reaction human psyche For any life crisis, when it lasts too long, the level of stress rises sharply. And often health deteriorates: after all, emotional condition is in direct connection with the physiological. It turns out that being angry, you only act on the hand of the disease. In addition, excessive anger can deprive you of possible allies - people who could further help and support you.

How to cope. Do not "burn out" priceless energy in vain. You need to be angry at the disease. not without reason Tibetan lamas they said that "you need to really hate your illness in order to defeat it." Look for examples among famous people who worthily fought a similar disease, lived long and high quality and left their mark on history.

Stage three. Deal

At this stage, a person is trying to come to terms with the situation, making a kind of deal with his subconscious on the principle: if I behave well, everything will be as before. Right now, the patient is ready to go to healers, sorcerers, use untested methods of treatment, invent his own, refusing the course prescribed official medicine. Many turn to faith, and very quickly they can reach unhealthy fanaticism. Others, despite the severity of the condition, go on long-distance pilgrimages. In fact, this is the desire to escape from the disease, but in fact - from oneself.

How to cope. It is important to understand that a disease is not a retribution or a punishment for something, and it will not disappear anywhere either magically, miraculously, or in any other way, that your particular disease is just one of dozens of chronic diseases that millions people live with a disease similar to yours all their lives.

There is no need to forbid anything. I like going to a healer - go, just let your doctor know about it. Visits to temples and shrines also have their effect. beneficial action on the mentality of patients. It should only be remembered that sick people cannot maintain fasting (any, not only strict!) and cannot remain at the service through force when the knees bend and it gets dark in the eyes.

Better yet, find yourself a BUSINESS in which you can achieve success and recognition that will truly captivate you. Suffice it to recall the experience of Daria Dontsova, who began to write her detective stories in hospital bed and managed not only to win serious illness but also become famous.

Stage four. Depression

When reality is finally realized, virtually all patients experience some degree of depression. There are huge unresolved questions about plans for the future, about relationships with others, about changing status in the family and at work. Need permanent treatment often radically changes the usual way of life, starting with the daily routine. Many people at this stage just want to crawl under the covers and hide from the whole world.

How to cope. First of all, you need to understand that this is a temporary period. Feelings of hopelessness and bleak visions of the future are chimeras that are essentially nothing more than symptoms of depression. After experiencing it, you will see your life in a completely different way. A diagnosis is not a reason to abandon plans and hopes. Moreover, for each serious disease, new methods of treatment are constantly being developed that help to maintain viability for for a long time. However, there are diseases that provoke depression on biochemical level. In this case, you need to seek help from a psychiatrist who will prescribe you treatment with antidepressants.

Stage five. Acceptance and re-evaluation

Acceptance and acceptance are not the same thing. Acceptance means that a person has come to understand that he can live with his illness, that the patient has developed clear positive goals and aspirations, the realization of which even illness cannot prevent. At this stage, it is time to re-evaluate your life, your plans and goals. Often, only after a difficult diagnosis is made, people understand what is really important and valuable for them, what is worth spending time and energy on, focus on the most important thing for themselves and give up the unnecessary.

Attention relatives and friends

After receiving news of a severe diagnosis of a person, it is better not to leave one.

Use any threads to tie the patient to life more tightly: try to show him something new, interesting.

If the patient has suicidal thoughts, immediately contact psychological help centers!

Do not put an adult in the position of a helpless baby. Underscores

give words and actions the strength and confidence of the patient in the fight against the disease. Do not allow tearful-compassionate intonations in communication with him. Decide on a choice: either you support him and help fight the disease, or step aside.

Personal opinion

Lyudmila Lyadova:

- Never be discouraged. Who constantly whines, will constantly hurt. The blues is terrible thing, it must not be allowed under any circumstances, otherwise the man turns into a “moon”, and the woman into a “moon”. And if a person is diagnosed with a serious diagnosis, will and major are especially important.