How to help a loved one cope with the death of his wife. How to survive the death of a loved one? Helping Yourself Get Through Grief: Practical Tips
Our culture does not teach condolences. Therefore, immediately after the tragic events, you will hear many times from others that you need to hold on. But it is normal to be sad, worry and suffer in this situation.
We are all different. That is why even in the materials about the reaction of schoolchildren on the mountain they write that some children will ask for care, others will get angry, others will eat, fourths will cry, fifths will fall into a stupor. The psyche copes (and does not cope) with the load in different ways.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
2. Allow yourself to experience in a way that suits you.
You probably have a template in your head for how a person should behave during tragic events. And it may not match exactly how you feel.
Trying to fit yourself into the idea of what you are supposed to experience will add guilt to the grief and make it even more difficult to get over the situation. So allow yourself to suffer naturally, not living up to someone else's (including your own) expectations.
3. Look for support in advance
There are days that will be especially difficult: birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates associated with the departed person. And it is better to take care of creating an environment in which it will be a little easier for you to survive this time.
According to Adriana Imzh, it is important to remember that, despite some existing calendar (9 days, 40 days, a year), each person experiences time in his own way: someone is able to face grief only after a few months, when the shock lets go, and someone by the same time is already in order.
If grief lasts for several years, this means that the person is “stuck” in experiences. In a sense, it's easier this way - to die with the one you loved, to stop your world with him. But he probably didn't want that for you.
And of course, even those who are trying to live on have difficult days: when something was remembered, there was a flashback, or just “inspired by music”. Crying, mourning, remembering is normal if your whole life does not consist of this.
In difficult situations, ask for support from a friend or lock yourself in a room with a photo album and handkerchiefs, go to the cemetery, wrap yourself in your loved one's favorite T-shirt, sort through his gifts, take a walk where you liked to walk with him. Choose those ways to cope with, after which it becomes easier for you.
4. Limit bad contacts
In an already difficult time, you will most likely have to communicate with different people: distant relatives, family friends and so on. And not all of them will be pleasant.
Limit unwanted contacts so as not to add negative emotions to yourself. Sometimes it's better to communicate with a stranger on the Web than with a second cousin, simply because he understands you, but she does not.
But, according to Adriana Imzh, it's still worth accepting condolences, because in our culture this is just a way to give you space to grieve.
Yes, these people may not experience loss the way you do. But they understand that you are sad. They acknowledge that the person has died, and this is important. It's better than when no one cares and you're not allowed to experience your emotions.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
5. Don't be surprised by your fears and worries
We know that we are mortal. But the loss of a loved one usually sharpens the awareness that it can happen to anyone. Sometimes this leads to numbness, increases the fear of death, the understanding of the meaninglessness of being, or, conversely, causes an excruciating thirst for life, sex, food or adventure. There may be a feeling that you are living the wrong way, and the desire is all.
Give yourself time before doing anything. In therapy, this is called the 48-hour rule, but in the case of a severe loss, the wait can be longer.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
Most likely, the idea to shave your head, leave your family and go freelance to the Seychelles is not the only one. Let her settle, and then act if the desire is not lost. Perhaps in a couple of days it will change a little.
6. Drink less alcohol
Sometimes alcohol seems to be the solution to all problems. But getting drunk and forgetting is a short-term way to deal with them. - a powerful depressant that negatively affects the central nervous system.
People who drink alcohol are less able to cope with stress and make more destructive decisions. It is also important to remember that sugar (it is found in both sweets and alcohol) increases the experience of stress, so it is better to refrain from consuming it.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
7. Take care of your health
Grief is already exhausting, do not aggravate the situation. Eat regularly and walk, try to sleep about eight hours a day, drink water, breathe - very often in grief a person forgets to exhale. Do not add stress to the body by waving a hand at health.
8. Consult a psychologist
If you can’t survive the situation on your own and it doesn’t get easier for you for a long time, find a specialist. will help you find out what exactly is preventing you from getting out of a depressed state, expressing your feelings, saying goodbye to your loved one and just being with you in this difficult situation.
9. Don't be ashamed to keep living
A person close to you has died, and you continue to live, and this is normal. Quite often we have a false sense of injustice: died too young, died before me, died because of nonsense.
But the truth is that death is part of life. We all come to die, and no one knows how long and how he will live. Someone left, someone stayed to keep the memory of the departed.
Adriana Imzh, consultant psychologist
It can be difficult to lead a habitual way of life and re-learn to smile, rejoice. Don't rush yourself if you can't do it yet. But it is in this direction that we must move, Adriana Imzh believes.
Not only because the one you lost would probably want it. But also because this is what makes any life, including the life of a departed person, important: we honor his memory, respect his path, and do not make a weapon of self-destruction out of his death.
Or close friends is always hard. You never know how much it hurts. However, any grief sooner or later begins to be felt less acutely - according to the theory of psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, it has five stages. By imagining the one you are currently on, you will know how to ease the pain of loss.
Some researchers expand the number of stages to ten, others, on the contrary, cut it down to three. Below is a "compromise" version of the four stages.
Stage one: shock and denial
For the first hours, days and even weeks, you simply refuse to accept what has happened. You understand what exactly happened, but you can’t surrender to the power of grief - it’s like a glass wall grows between you and your emotions. Such pupation protects you from complete disintegration, but, on the other hand, makes you feel a sense of fear - why can't I cry? Most often, a person who has lost a loved one prefers to treat what happened as a terrible dream. Others feel that they have lost their purpose in life, while others withdraw into themselves and become hermits.
Stage two: pain and guilt
When you slowly freed yourself from the protective cocoon, emotions begin to burst from the depths of your soul. This period can be the most difficult and most black. The most common reaction is to blame yourself for not communicating with the deceased during his lifetime in the way you should have. You recall conversations and disputes with him and reproach yourself: in vain, they say, you were so harsh. You are currently suffering from extreme mood swings, emotional and/or physical exhaustion and drowsiness. Tears well up in your eyes at the moment you least expect it, and negative thoughts about yourself seem to have settled in your head forever.
At this stage, you need to try to stop scrolling through the events of the past in your memory all the time. If you can’t get past the most embarrassing moments (for example, the decision to turn off the life support systems of a terminally ill loved one or the memory of his suffering), discuss them with relatives who have gone through the same thing with you. By saying "I'm thinking about how he suffered and if we could have done something else for him", you give vent to your fears, get the support of loved ones and understand that you really did everything that was in your power. .
Feel free to ask for help. A support group or just a loved one will help you cope with difficult experiences. Force yourself to speak up. It's easiest to hide and isolate yourself voluntarily, but sooner or later you'll have to "come out of the dark" anyway. If you feel guilty for staying alive, or feel relieved, you should not consider yourself a villain: these feelings fit into the norm. The truth of the situation is that a person who suffered in the last days of his life is now free from pain.
Stage Three: Anger, Frustration, and Bitterness
This stage is characterized by "jerks" of emotions. You'll be fine until something — a journal entry, a friend's blog post, or a TV episode — sends you into a sudden outburst of rage. In the third stage, bouts of self-pity roll over you, you ask childish questions like "Why me?" and "Where does this injustice come from?". Many shamefully admit that they often think: why did he die, and not someone else?
A person experiencing the third stage often avoids certain social situations, especially festive events, and becomes irritated because the problems of others seem so small compared to what he experiences personally. And with the words "I understand you so much" or "What can I do for you?" he wants to howl like a wolf. Here it is better to avoid the company of those who can spoil your mood. If, say, some of your friends at a meeting winds up the same hurdy-gurdy "oh, what a pity", forget about him for a while. It’s better for those around you to tell about what exactly happened: it may be uncomfortable to talk about losses, but the situation is much more uncomfortable when you are silent, and your environment does not know what happened. It will be much more unpleasant for you if people start asking what is the reason for your depression.
Feel sorry for yourself. If anger has alienated you from those around you, don't scold them for their lack of empathy for you—you can have compassion for yourself. You've just lost an important person in your life, and it's only natural to compare your situation to other people's and think that they had a much easier time than you. Remind yourself that you won't always be sad and that things will get better in the future.
Stage Four: Accepting the situation and feeling relieved
No matter how deep your grief is, slowly but surely you are returning to your normal life. At first you will take one step forward and two steps back, but gradually you will begin to realize what has happened and use the hidden "reserves of strength". You will be surprised to find that life has not stopped, but moments of joy for some time will still give way to guilt - how, they say, can I feel happy when this happened? If you have lost a second parent, you will rethink your role in life: now you are the older generation in your family.
As soon as you have accepted a loved one, things that you laughed at before become funny again. You notice little things you never paid attention to before—a friend has a new scarf, and a nice coffee shop has opened across the street. At this stage, you need to load yourself with pleasant emotions to the maximum. If the only thing that makes you get out of bed in the morning is your children or grandchildren, try to spend as much time with him as possible. If you are fond of knitting, it's time to start some large-scale "project". Ask yourself - would your deceased relative want you to mourn all your life, or would he be more pleased if you enjoyed life?
Many, having experienced the bitterness of loss, find solace in helping others. Look around - there are a lot of people around you that you can help. Remember how loved ones helped you when you faced grief? And you, too, can make someone's life easier and more joyful.
The death of a person causes strong negative emotions and experiences in the souls of his relatives and friends, because of which life loses its colors for a long time. Many people do not know how to survive the death of a loved one, how to cope with mental pain, a sense of irreparable loss and overwhelming longing for the departed. The death of a loved one will always be unexpected, even if there were all the prerequisites for this tragic event, because we all tend to hope for the best until the last. That is why it is impossible to prepare for the death of relatives, and it does not matter whether a person died suddenly or as a result of a serious illness - the relatives of the deceased will have to fully experience grief and pain from the loss.
Despite the fact that for all people the loss of a loved one is grief, everyone experiences the death of a mother, child, spouse, relative or friend in their own way. they are not embarrassed by tears and sobs, introverts tend to hold back emotions, pragmatic people will quickly come to terms with the death of a loved one and “let him go”, and romantics can yearn for a departed loved one for decades. Yet there are several stages of grief that every bereaved person inevitably goes through. Knowing about the features of each of these stages will help you understand how to survive the death of a loved one and how to help your loved ones overcome the pain of loss.
How do people deal with grief
Psychologists distinguish 4 main stages of experiencing grief, through which every person who has suffered a loss or other terrible shock passes through in one way or another. The duration of these stages and the severity of emotions in each of them depends on the type of thinking and.
How to deal with the death of a loved one
Unfortunately, neither modern psychology nor modern medicine has invented a method that is guaranteed to eliminate the pain of losing a loved one in a few minutes, and is it really needed? They paint our lives in bright colors, and the pain of loss teaches us to appreciate what we have even more. Therefore, in order to survive the death of a loved one and return to the old life, it is necessary to live through all the stages of grief without suppressing emotions and allowing yourself to grieve.
It is especially important to "correctly" survive the first two stages of grief, since the ability to fully cope with grief in the future depends on whether a person was able to accept what happened and throw out negative emotions. Therefore, upon learning of the death of a loved one, no need to try to hide from emotions and isolate yourself from loved ones who are also experiencing the grief of loss
- the support of relatives means a lot for those who are experiencing the death of a child, mother of a friend or relative. In the first days after the incident, the relatives of the deceased should not give each other advice and urge "to restrain emotions and be strong", it is much more important to just be next to each other and share grief.
Also, psychologists advise against trying to reduce the pain of loss with strong sedatives and tranquilizers, especially in the first three stages of grief. These medications do not eliminate, but only suppress emotions, therefore, after the expiration of the drug, all experiences will return again with full force. If you do not have enough strength to cope with pain on your own or with the help of loved ones, then it is best to contact a psychologist.
Practical tips for coping with the pain of losing a loved one
Hello dear readers! Death is an integral part of our life. Of course, it is impossible to be prepared for the loss of a loved one. Such events are always accompanied by strong feelings. Today I would like to consider the stages of grief after the death of a loved one and tell you what features are encountered at each stage before a person finally comes to terms with the loss.
Live through all stages
Losing family and friends is always hard. We cannot be prepared for such events, and indeed, each person experiences in his own way. It's individual and too personal. But according to the psychology of grief and grief, there are several stages that a person goes through when faced with a loss.
Some distinguish 4 stages, others divide into 5 or 7. In my opinion, it does not matter at all the number by which this period can be divided. A general understanding of the grieving process is important.
Let's look at these stages, understand what a person is going through at a certain moment, how you can help and support him at this moment, and what will await him next.
Negation
A close encounter with death plunges a person into shock. He does not believe in what happened, does not admit to himself, consciousness and subconsciousness deny this terrible reality, in which there is no longer a loved one.
At this point, a person may experience memory lapses. All days are mixed into a single whole and it is difficult to remember where they put a certain thing or when they last ate something. Sometimes the first stage is accompanied by disorganization, some things are constantly lost. And, of course, it happens that a person behaves in a way that is completely unusual for himself.
It is very important to go through the phase of denial and eventually accept the fact of loss. This period usually does not last very long. But right now it is better not to leave him alone, to support and be near. Of course, most often he will not hear words of regret, but the presence of a loved one nearby helps a lot.
Resentment, rage, anger
Here we are talking about a sense of justice. The person will hate everything. Everything goes wrong, all the people around do it wrong, no one can do everything right, and so on.
Sometimes rage can also pass to a loved one whom he has lost. "How dare you leave me." This period is very emotional and is often said to be the most painful. Emotions and feelings come out, the storm can cover with such force that there is not enough air in the lungs.
A person has inadequate reactions, he easily loses his temper or constantly cries. Again, each person experiences the stages of grief in their own way.
Guilt
At this stage, it seems that you paid so little attention to your loved one. Didn't say anything, didn't do anything. Very often people at this moment go far into the past, scroll through different events in their heads, remember the moments spent together with a person.
The last step is acceptance
Of course, it will be difficult to return to the old life. But over time, the strength of emotions passes, feelings subside. It is very important to really go further here. Learn to find a replacement for what the person who left our life used to give.
A person gradually returns to the usual rhythm, begins to laugh, rejoice and live on. Here we can also talk about adaptation and the creation of a new rhythm of life.
Sometimes it happens that a person falls into pathological grief. This happens for various reasons. Perhaps he could not attend the funeral or a loved one went missing and there is no exact information about him.
So, he adopts the habits and manners of a person who has passed away. Sometimes he has similar illnesses. The room or apartment of the deceased remains unchanged. This period can be very long and only a psychologist can help in this situation.
I want to bring to your attention two articles that will help you better understand what to do, how to help a loved one in a similar situation, or how to talk with a child on such a difficult topic: "" and "".
It is extremely important to go through all the stages, not get stuck in any of them, and in the end come to full acceptance and learn how to live on. It is impossible to be prepared for the loss of a loved one. Even when we have to see a relative seriously ill, we still can never be ready for death.
It is especially difficult for parents who bury their children. After all, it is extremely unfair when the young leave before us.
The person is very strong and able to cope with any situation. And if you don’t have the strength to act on your own, you should always ask for help from relatives or go to a psychologist. The main thing is not to be silent and not to keep everything in yourself.
Have there been losses in your life? How did you live it? Who helped you and was there for you in difficult times? What helped you come to your senses and where did you find the strength to live on?
If you have any questions or need help, feel free to write to me and together we will decide what to do in your situation.
Goodbye!
