Paroxysms of aggression of the mother to the child. Does a certain parenting style affect children's aggressiveness? Solitude, hiking in the "inner mountains"

Each parent will definitely remember at least one or two cases when he broke down on his child, shouted, gave a cuff, humiliated him with a rude word, or severely punished him because of a trifle. Most often, after an outburst of anger, and sometimes at its moment, parents are well aware that the baby's misconduct was not worth such a violent reaction, but they cannot help themselves. The situation repeats itself again and again, and each of the participants in the conflict suffers: children suffer from the injustice and cruelty of the dearest and most beloved people, and adults suffer from their own helplessness and a painful sense of guilt. How to cope with aggression towards a child and learn to control your anger, rage and irritability?

Why do parents hate their own children?

Aggression towards their own children, irrational anger are found not only in dysfunctional families, but also in loving caring parents. However, this topic is perceived as uncomfortable and shameful to discuss, especially since the so-called strict upbringing and the rigid position of parents is still the norm. Despite the fact that most fathers and mothers are aware of how destructive negative emotions, they are unable to control them or explain where they come from.

Aggression and anger are reactions caused by internal discomfort. In fact, they are launched not by the child's prank or his misdeed, but by others, more deep reasons, which often originate in childhood, in the parental family.

Often parental anger is associated with disappointment and deceived expectations. Parents often draw in their imagination perfect child, and try to adjust the baby to their inner ideal. When a child shows his individuality, behaves differently than “should” according to the parents, the parent experiences great disappointment and seeks to take control of the situation with all his might.

Parents often unconsciously copy their own parents' behavior towards them. The child learns the parental behavior model as the only possible one and, growing up, repeats it, because he does not know how it could be otherwise. Destroying this mechanism is not easy, but it is possible, and awareness of these patterns is the first step.

How to help yourself deal with your aggression towards your child

Aggression towards their children, anger and other negative emotions is one of the main problems for which parents turn to psychologists.

There are a few general advice Learn how to deal with anger towards your children.

Find reasons

First of all, you need to understand the causes of anger. Perhaps you are annoyed due to overwork, chronic fatigue troubles at work or you have to worry about some important event in life. If aggression is caused by other reasons that are difficult for you to realize, this is a reason for seeking psychological advice.

work on yourself

You need to learn to recognize and recognize your emotions, to express and control them correctly. Often aggression is manifested in parents who grew up in dysfunctional families, did not receive and do not receive support from their loved ones and simply do not know how to live their feelings correctly. Change! Learn to feel and empathize, love not only your baby, but also yourself.

Accept your child exactly the way they are.

Understand that your baby does not have to be the same as you, or how you want him to be. Let him have his own characteristics, his experiences and his difficulties. Do not break, do not alter, do not hew "for yourself", do not protect from real life. By accepting the child and recognizing his individuality, you protect yourself from disappointments and deceived expectations, and therefore from unnecessary reasons anger.

How to accept your child

Strong families are based on love, respect for each other and mutual acceptance. To love your child is, first of all, to accept the child, which means to recognize his right to be himself. When we are talking about a tiny person who does not yet know how to walk and hold a spoon in his hands, this is quite simple - as long as he fully meets the parent's ideas about the child and is easy to control.

But the older the baby becomes, the brighter his personality manifests itself, and, alas, it does not always suit his father and mother. Parents are always trying to give their child what they did not have, to protect them from the bad things that happened in their life. Expectations and fear for their child pushes them to live a child's life instead of him. They are afraid to give him the opportunity to get his own experience, filling his own bumps.

Together with parental anxieties and anxiety, their phobias are transmitted to children. The more we try to protect our blood from the dangers of the world around us, the more we take care of our children, the more insecure they become, because in fact we tell them that life is full of unpleasant surprises and dangers.

How to be afraid for your child? Believe in him, support, love and trust. Help develop strengths and work on weaknesses.

How to learn to perceive it as an independent full-fledged personality? Get rid of your expectations about your child, see his features in a real light, loosen control and allow him to be himself.

How to deal with anger at a child: practical tips

Anger is like an explosion: the outbreak occurs at lightning speed, therefore, it is very difficult to catch this moment and pull yourself together. Psychologists advise to analyze the mechanism that forces you to react in this way, and the reasons that serve as a "trigger". How to deal with the habitual scenario of behavior?

Step 1: Stop

At what stage in the development of the scenario would you catch yourself, whatever happens, stop. In this way, you will give yourself a break during which you can comprehend what is happening. If you learn to stop, then this is already a victory. The ability to interrupt an emotional explosion means that over time you will learn to take control of your emotions. Perhaps this stop will save your child and you from irreparable consequences.

Step 2: Find the Trigger

Remember what was the impetus that launched the familiar script. Answer the question, how did you feel then. Was it pain? Resentment? Helplessness? Malice? Were these feelings caused by the child and his actions, or did you actually experience them for someone else?

Step 3. Feel your child

What is he experiencing now? Fear? Pain? Blame? Feeling of injustice? How your anger is adequate to his behavior? Is he really trying to piss you off, cause you pain, or is it just an attempt to get your attention? Does he get in trouble with other family members or friends? Is he well?

Step 4Create a New Scenario

If you manage to conduct a qualitative analysis of the situation and see the mechanism of the emergence of anger in a real light, you will be able to separate your feelings and emotions from the behavior of the child and realize his true motives. It will become clear to you that your reaction largely projects the old ones onto the present situation, and your baby’s actions are not directed against you and are not at all as terrible as you think. Based on this, you can now develop new script behavior and follow it every time you get angry. With time new mechanism behavior will become a habit, and reactions to certain events that previously drove you crazy will become adequate on their own.

What to do if you lashed out at your child

If an outbreak of aggression has already happened, and it was clearly incommensurable with the child's fault, in no case should the situation be left as it is. Any conflict must be resolved.

Calm down, come to your senses.
Reassure the baby, take pity on him. If he is frightened and does not make contact, do not insist. Ask other family members to comfort him.
Sorry.
Try to explain your behavior.
If the child was wrong, calmly explain why. Refrain from accusations.
Tell the baby that you love him.

Don't lecture, don't get nervous, don't shout. Be calm, honest and sincere. Don't be tempted to make amends by allowing your child to do things that used to be taboo.

Later, conduct a “debriefing” alone with yourself - analyze the situation, try to find out what caused your explosion. If you have difficulty at any of these points, and you cannot figure it out on your own, as well as anger at a child, seek qualified psychological help.

Work on any relationship, including relationships with children, is, first of all, work on yourself. Therefore, if aggression towards children that you are unable to cope with on your own, this is your constant problem you need to see a specialist. Most likely, there is an unresolved conflict with your own parents behind your anger. An experienced psychologist will help resolve it, as well as teach you how to constructively express your emotions, worry less and build healthy relationships with your children.

Olga Kolyada, psychologist: I was asked to speak on the topic of aggression on the part of parents towards their own children. I agreed, and then I realized that we need to start by clarifying the concept of "aggression" - from the subject that is being discussed. Moreover, I want to clarify the concept not from the dictionary, we don’t often look into the dictionary in life, but we use this word confidently, which means there is already a “everyday” definition of it. What comes to mind when I hear or talk about "aggression"? A certain strong and malicious emotional outburst, a destructive, overwhelming action deliberately committed. And it's unfair, at least in part. If I defend myself and do not exceed the limit - what kind of aggression is this? And if we understand “aggression” in this way, then the answer to the question “Is it good or bad?” turns out to be not so simple. I wouldn't discuss it at all. because public opinion and so it is known (aggression is bad, especially in relation to a child) and there is nothing to talk about. I would like to consider the issue from a different point of view "useful - not useful." And here, not everything is obvious and unambiguous.

I will now begin to write thoughts that are rather unhappy for some people, and for someone, perhaps generally unacceptable. Therefore, first I want to specify my position more clearly so as not to be accused of sadism, propaganda of aggression and violence, etc. Actually, I am for world peace. For a life of love and harmony, kindness and mutual assistance. Without destruction, attacks, pressure on other people, and better without evil at all - internal and external. I am for it, I strive for it, I try to live on the basis of this - when there is peace around me and in me. But this does not always happen.

The first sad news that you can not accept and resent, but you can accept and learn to live with it - most parents (with the exception of some saints, I admit) periodically experience a surge of strong malicious feelings towards the child. Including - inappropriate situations of malicious feelings. Forms of manifestation different people in different life cases it can be different - someone yells, someone hisses with restraint, someone coldly presses on the psyche, someone is engaged in assault with different strength, someone withdraws into himself to isolate the child from his feelings. And so on.

From this news follows another, no less sad (I warned you) - being as we are, not saints, we cannot do otherwise. And it can be very hard to accept. There are a lot of excellent books and articles about how harmful aggression is and how great it is not to show it to children. Surely, if I could, I would not have followed the advice outlined there? I love my child and want to live in peace with him, without attacks ... You can justify yourself over and over again - “yes, I behaved like an evil creature here, but I have special circumstances, they forced me, I didn’t do it on purpose ... " etc. Justifications take a lot of spiritual and mental strength and the facts do not affect in any way. So it’s better to accept that in certain circumstances, anger at the child arises in me, indignation, a desire to hurt him (physically or mentally), break him, force him to understand / do / agree to something. And this desire is so strong that I manifest it in some form. If you cannot accept this in yourself, you should not read this material further, it is unlikely that it will be useful to you.

If the presence of aggression in oneself, albeit with a sigh, is accepted. The following natural question arises - how to protect your child from my manifestations? And less logical, but also useful questions - what is generally worth doing? Is it worth it to always protect the child from his attacks, or is there different cases? Let's think.

There are three ways to protect your child from my manifestations of aggression:

hold back

To teach a child to defend himself against my manifestations himself,

Change yourself so that either the manifestations become safe for the child, or there are as few grounds for aggression as possible.

Everyone knows how to restrain himself, but this does not always work out, and great restraint has a very unpleasant effect. side effect. Unfortunately, our consciousness is so arranged that we can only restrain all spiritual impulses, and not some individual ones. And holding back anger, we lose the ability to show warmth with the same force ... So this is not the best option.

Teaching a child to defend good method, but it is better to combine it with the third. And use in extreme cases, and not to shift the responsibility for my nervous outbursts onto the baby. And this path is available not from the birth of a child, but from the moment when he can understand and learn. Usually, in 3-4 years, not earlier. And up to this age it is desirable to live without loss. And then come up with a clear explanation. For example, that a mother has a sleeping “evil woman” inside, which has not yet been kicked out and sometimes wakes up and starts doing nasty things to both mother and baby. Therefore, the baby can drive away the "badass", saying - "evil, go away", or hiding in the agreed place, or in some other way, as you come up with. And the baby should also understand that when a mother behaves like this, it’s not the mother who stopped loving (for the baby, this is the worst thing), but simply instead of the mother, the “evil” began to act. And when the “evil” falls asleep again, mom will return and will love again. There may be other ways of explaining. It is important to convey to the child that you (or another parent, you can tell the same about another) do not behave this way on purpose, and that you still love the child all the time, even when you show something completely different. These are the most important foundations of psychological safety and protection of the child from the possibility of mental trauma in connection with aggression.

You can change yourself, as I wrote, in two ways. outer path- changing behavior without, or almost without, the use of restraint. For example, at one time I used this method - when the children got me and I wanted to yell at them terribly, I instead began to loudly and emotionally complain to them about my feelings about them (this, however, works well with children not younger than 5 years old , very small ones do not perceive the difference in the direction of feelings). Usually, the children immediately stopped being outrageous, began to feel sorry for me and give advice on how I should be so as not to get upset. And instead of a scandal, after some time (occupied by my complaints), a dialogue began and a search for a solution convenient for everyone, so that everyone would be fine. There are other ways to change behavior in the event that a wave of aggression rises - the simplest is to quickly transfer the strength of emotion into some kind of safe physical action - start doing push-ups, squats, hitting a punching bag, running, jumping, etc. The main thing is so that there is a feeling that it is this force that is spent on the action. There are also more creative ways of transforming aggression, described in specialized literature - they are easy to find on the Internet and choose something to your liking.

The path of internal change is the most difficult, but also the most effective. Reasons for the emergence of aggression disappear. The task of changing one's behavior, developing new habits disappears. Because as far as internal change there is a natural change in behavior. But this path requires the largest initial investment. You will need to learn to observe yourself and explore the grounds for the emergence of indignation, anger, feelings of injustice, resentment - all that then results in aggression.

And among these grounds, there will definitely be a part that comes from misconceptions about the abilities and capabilities of the child. These are all sorts of thoughts like - “What, doesn’t he understand ?!” or “what, can’t he…?!”. Before you get indignant - carefully check - what if the truth does not understand something obvious to you and cannot do something, in your opinion, simple? You can refer to the rules developmental psychology– long-term observations of scientists around the world over the development of children have revealed average rate from abilities and capabilities to different ages. And to understanding, and to concentration, and to awareness of oneself and different areas of existence. Many cases of indignation at the actions of a child come from an incorrect assessment of his capabilities. Starting to understand them better, you stop perceiving these cases as a reason for aggression. True, not all cases are like that, but more on that later.

Another part of the cases that cause a reason for aggression are cases when a child voluntarily or involuntarily steps on your “sore spot”, touches a topic that is painful for you with his behavior or words. One of the notable examples is that almost all children at preschool age once say - “Mom, you don’t love me!”. For those mothers who do not feel the painful lack of love stretching from their own childhood, such a statement is an occasion for a calm discussion of the topic and finding out "why?" that box in the corner and cover it with a pillow ”(and the fun fuss begins). Those for whom this topic is “sick” either begin to defend themselves and make excuses, to prove that they love, or to defend themselves and attack - “how dare you say such things to your mother, and even think !!!”. Everyone has their own painful topics - and here the child only “works as a diagnostician” of mental trauma. You can, of course, be offended by him for harsh diagnostic methods, but it is better to find a way to treat mental trauma, since now there are already enough methods for this.

But the third part of the cases is very interesting and ambiguous. (I’m afraid that slippers and rotten tomatoes will fly now ...) The third part of the cases that cause indignation, anger and the desire to “strike back with a makeweight” refers to those situations when the child learns to control others, tests the limits of his strength and skills “for strength”. And in this version of cases, there are cases when retaliatory aggression is useful. But only in the case when its manifestation is completely controlled by you! This is something that exists in the way animals raise their young, where the parents take care of the offspring. If necessary, watch cats or dogs. While the cub is very small and blind, the mother allows him everything, or removes him from a place that is uncomfortable for her or dangerous for the cub. As soon as the cub develops understanding (I don’t know, but the parents somehow feel it) - when unacceptable actions the parent first emits a warning signal of displeasure (by sound or facial expressions), if the actions of the cub continue - he "sensibly rakes". He is shaken by the scruff of the neck, or bitten by something sensitive (it hurts, but without harm to health), or hissed at him (if it is a kitten). As soon as the baby unwanted action stopped (and what else is left for him to do) - " aggressive behavior» The parent immediately stops, he is licked and taken care of in every possible way further. The child is happy, the parent is happy. Such “controlled aggression”, for example, is indispensable in the case when a child strives to do something life-threatening, but it is impossible to explain the danger to him or let him try it in a limited amount (as, for example, with hot). I also used the same technique in less extreme cases - when I needed to quickly and immediately explain the inadmissibility of some kind of child's behavior. For example, a child begins to deliberately yell at the top of his throat during whims in my ear. I immediately begin to yell just as loudly and at the same time also sensitively knock him on the back. The child stops - so do I. Starts - I again. It took 3 minutes. He never tried to scream in my ear again. There were no fears about such behavior of mine - because it was clear what causes such behavior of mine, and how a child can stop it. The method, once again I will clarify, is not good for all occasions and is more suitable for the younger preschool age when the abilities and possibilities of the child's mind are still close to the mind of animal cubs.

What can be said in the end. Own aggression, if you do not shy away from it, but accept the presence and allow yourself to feel, can be an excellent adviser. She can point to places where I do not understand my child, to places where I have mental traumas that it makes sense to deal with. And she shows (through direct feeling, not questionable reasoning) places where the child is out of bounds or safe and urgently needs to be stopped. Accepting the existence of aggression in myself, gaining the skill to understand it, and in uncontrollable cases - redirect it, I unwittingly teach the same to the child who perceives my behavior. So the benefits are multifaceted!

Tatyana Sharanda
practical psychologist
family and marriage consultant
supervisor psychological center development

- For a long time, one fact has haunted me: for recent times significantly increased the number of children who are home schooled. And not only by medical indications. A very large percentage of children with psychological problems. This was not the case before. And, judging by my practice, it's not about children, but about adults.

Parents come to psychologists and say: "He has problems", "Something is wrong with her." And they are very surprised when I turn their attention to themselves.

How many clients I had, and not a single mother or father said at the first meeting: "I think I'm doing something wrong, because my child is not well." No such case! And it's very sad.

Do you think that scolding for good? This rule doesn't work

- Speaking of aggression, I would exclude from the discussion parents with addictions, who turn into animals under the pressure of their own problem. In this situation, a person is not subject to himself and this topic should be discussed separately.

Today I would like to consider aggression from a different angle. In most cases, parents believe that they are acting for the good, that without rigor and discipline it is impossible to grow children. good man, but in reality the situation can turn in a completely different direction. If a parent turns into a tormentor, he simply cripple the life of the child.

It is also important to note that maternal aggression is much worse than paternal aggression. I'll explain why. A man is physiologically conditioned to be more aggressive. Remember, most often daddy's games are sharper, more competitive: he throws up a child, plays catch-up, jumps out from around a corner, can pour water over him. Mom draws with the baby, makes something, tells fairy tales. It's a softer energy. That's what nature decided. Of course, there are different moms and dads, but now I'm talking about the most common cases.

Male aggression is dripping: fast, focused, understandable, to the point. It is more adequately perceived by the child (we do not take into account excessive cruelty). Female aggression has a cumulative character, sharpens constantly, clings to the most painful, it is treacherous. Therefore, first of all, I want to turn to mothers.

Hidden aggression was inherited by us

What are the origins of parental aggression? The thing is that our country was constantly attacked, families had to defend themselves. Gradually, the main parental function was to ensure the safety of children. The most important thing is that they survive, everything else is in the background.

Times are almost always hard for us. There was no time to show warmth. The kids ran in the street, fell, hit their knees, cried, but got up and ran on. AT Soviet time of the guys and at all purposefully prepared a strong shift: “Next! Above! Faster!" Of these children, solid personalities have grown up, which still do not care. life difficulties. But no one ever taught them love and the manifestation of their feelings.

Passing on from generation to generation a steel image of behavior: “Don't whine! Until you do your homework, you will not get up! Do not run! Speak quieter!” — we have lost something very important. Only today the situation is slowly leveling off. People remember the need for support, hugs, kisses, heart-to-heart talks with the youngest, and so on. True, this often has to be learned in the chairs of psychologists. A term has even been introduced that characterizes such behavior - alexithymia.

alexithymia — psychological characteristic personality, including the following features:

difficulty in identifying and describing one's own emotions and, as a result, the emotions of other people;
decreased ability to symbolize, in particular to fantasy;
focusing mainly on external events, to the detriment of internal experiences;
inclination towards concrete, utilitarian, logical thinking with a lack of emotions.

The first reaction to stress: fight or flight!

- And now let's touch on aggression in the classical sense. Here, imagine. You are at home. In silence, you read a book calmly and with great interest. Then someone bursts in abruptly, starts waving his arms and shouting: “Why are you sitting?! Well, get up! Run here and there!" What will be your reaction? Even imagining is unpleasant, isn't it? Breathing catches, heart rate quickens, adrenaline is released, in general, the body brings all systems into state of emergency. Now think of a child who lives in such an atmosphere all the time. How do you think he feels?

Ancient instincts never let us go. The first reaction to stress is the same for all people. There are two options: fight or run! And in a matter of seconds, the brain must choose the appropriate strategy. A little boy or a girl, as a rule, cannot hit back dad or mom (not yet), so he tries to hide and close himself, the child shrinks all over (this also applies internal organs) and trying to ride out the storm.

Bottom line constant pressure in childhood, the following behaviors become in adulthood:

Aggression, both in relation to one's own parents and to others, especially if, by temperament, a person is choleric.
Weaker organization nervous system. The so-called position of the victim. A person in any situation expects to lose in advance, withdraws into himself, looks for the same aggressive life partner and dutifully swims with the current, which often brings him to the threshold of those very addictions that I spoke about at the very beginning;
Children who have experienced latent parental aggression in childhood (we will touch on this later) often become filigree manipulators who redirect their hidden anger to other people and openly or in a roundabout way force others to do what they need. Do they enjoy it? Usually not, but something inside makes them behave that way.

Only a few step over the traumas of childhood, forgive their parents and, most importantly, raise their children in a completely different way. Often the decisive role is played by life circumstances who help former downtrodden souls spread their wings.

And yes, do not forget that in almost all of the listed options, a whole bunch of psychosomatic diseases are very likely, such as gastritis, bulimia, anorexia, problems with respiratory system, tics, insomnia and so on.

My mom is an "actress"

- When we talk about aggression, usually a picture appears in the head where the oppressor screams, beats the oppressed. But this is not always the case.

I am by no means saying that adults should yell at children, no! But sometimes it’s much worse for the child’s psyche when his mother is an “actress”: outwardly, for everyone, a woman seems kind, caring and attentive, but in reality she is a tyrant who simply uses sophisticated methods. This is called hidden aggression or emotional cruelty. It is not difficult to imagine what is happening outside the walls of the house, if in the presence of strangers it is enough for the mother to simply turn stone face towards the child and ... he just goes numb.

Mom does not scream, does not raise her hand, acts in accordance with the generally accepted canons of behavior, so others do not arouse suspicion.

The children of such mothers are almost slaves. Every day is scheduled. In the first half of the day - school, then a music school, then sports, then homework in parallel with a Skype tutor. Grade 8 is not a grade. The ideal child of an ideal mother should receive at least 9. No pranks, because: “Are you small? Can't you behave? Sit down."

Encouragements, "hugs" and games from such a mother should not be expected. But the child is trying. He tries his best. And a plan to grow little genius would continue to calmly incarnate. Only there is one ma-a-a-a-lazy trouble - the baby stops sleeping. Generally. Or starts to stutter. Or, out of nowhere, appears nervous tick. And then psychologists hear the same thing: “My child has problems.” He doesn't have a problem, you do! And serious.

The aggressor is the husband! Or is it the wife hidden manipulator?

- Of course, the father can also act as a latent aggressor. And this will also have consequences. But, as a rule, the child is more attached to the mother. And first of all, it is from her that he expects love, support and affection. By the way, I know many situations where the wife was to blame for the aggression of the husband.

A simple example. I had family in attendance. Problem - aggressive husband who often lashes out at his daughter. The woman looks intelligent, decent, calm, but in fact - the same manipulator.

She never yelled at the girl or scolded her. She made it easier. When a tired husband came home from work, the lady said to him in a delicate but uncompromising tone: “Do you remember that you are a father?! Do you know what your daughter got at school today? Not? And you look in the diary. And then the disassembly began, in which the father, who was tortured, who had not yet managed to switch from the working mode, all the negativity from the past day, and from the message of his wife, throws it onto his daughter. Is it worth describing the reaction of a woman who was told that she was the one who crushed the whole family with her ego? Of course, such people very rarely admit mistakes. And it's hard to convince them.

Tips for dads and moms

— Each situation is individual. However, I would like to give a few simple tips to all parents:

Do not forget that a child is not your investment, not a thing that should be well-behaved, bring high marks and filigree play the piano in front of your guests. Don't take away his childhood. And childhood is running through the mud, measuring puddles, trying to decorate my mother’s favorite vase and… accidentally breaking it!
Hug your kids, pat them on the head, wallow together before bed talking about the day. Tactile sensations- it is very important.
Don't forget to praise. Unfortunately, parents often overreact to the misdeeds of their daughters and sons and pay too little attention to their successes.
Don't take it out on the kids. Redirect anger. Find your own way to do this.

I know a girl who, after becoming a mother, as soon as she began to feel that a wave of anger rolled over her, went into another room for a minute and drummed on the table. If it was not possible, she simply stomped rhythmically, tapped, clapped her hands. She did anything, but she always communicated with her girl sincerely, calmly, without shouting. And the most interesting thing is that the baby adopted the same habit. In this family, an outlet for anger is allowed. But not to each other. And it seems to me that there is a rational grain in this. We are not machines, and everyone has breakdowns. But try to control yourself as much as possible.

If there is a turbulent situation in the family, do not send the question into the void: “Why do I need this child?”. First ask yourself: “Did my behavior lead to such an outcome?”. Take an interest in how everything looks from the outside, from your loved ones. Have a heart to heart talk with your child. In the end, consult a psychologist. This does not mean that you need to blame yourself for everything. It’s just important to say “stop” at one moment and calmly reflect on the situation.

And remember the eternal law that all the psychologists of the world repeat: the first and main step- recognition of the problem. Everything can be fixed. You just have to start. Believe me, harmony in the family, smile, laughter and health of your children are worth a little work on yourself.

These women are our neighbors. We see and hear them on the streets, in kindergartens, clinics, transport.

I was in the hospital with my 3 year old granddaughter. My roommate and I are like laying hens over chickens, - says a colleague. - And in the next one it was heard: “Idiot, moron! How did you get me! You're sick and sick!" This is how a mother communicates with her child. When I looked at them, I saw a frightened, crying baby of four years old and his hefty mother, who either sat the child on the bed, or threw it in her hearts.

About the causes of parental aggression "KV" talk with a psychologist, researcher state institution of social and psychological assistance to the population "Zerkalo" Albina Mutygullina.

The reasons

Mother's aggression towards her child various reasons. This may be a consequence postpartum depression. In this state, a woman feels exhausted, exhausted, she simply does not have the strength for feelings and desires. Unreasonable tears and tantrums, sudden mood swings and aggression towards the child are explained by physiology - by what happens in a woman hormonal changes organism.

But this does not exclude psychological factor. Put yourself in the place of a mother who cherished the thought of a long-awaited child for nine months. And finally he was born. But the child causes nothing in her soul but anger and irritation. How does a woman feel? Bad mother. It turns out vicious circle when anger, irritation and aggression towards the child grows in the soul of a woman - and discontent, hatred towards herself as a mother. The kid is definitely suffering. And the young mother acts as a victim. First of all, she needs help. Help and love of her husband, relatives and friends. A psychologist can also help speed up the process of getting out of depression. And the doctor observing the woman will recommend sedatives. The sooner help is provided, the less this breakdown will affect the child.

- Why mentally healthy woman cruel to your own child?

- The reason comes from the childhood of a young mother. Willingly or unwittingly, we reproduce the model of raising our own parents. And if the girl was brought up more with a whip than with a carrot, then she will raise her own children in the same way. Sometimes this happens consciously: “I was beaten in the same way, and nothing, I grew up.” More often, a woman unconsciously copies the behavior of her mother. Another reason for aggression is the unwillingness to be a mother. This is in cases where the child is unwanted, the mother is still too young, or the appearance of the child destroys the woman's prospects in work or personal life. going on internal conflict: throwing a woman from love to hatred for her own child. Maternal instinct can not be compared with irritation and resentment. It seems to the mother that if it were not for the child, everything could be wonderful with her. As a result, at every opportunity, she will throw out a portion of the negative on the child in the form of abuse or aggression. Moreover, most often a woman does not control herself: in a frenzy she can beat a child until her anger finds temporary calm.

Solution

- But if the child is desired, but aggression is still present?

- Imagine you have a dog. You love her, she loves you very much. But the dog is not very smart. You forbade him something once, twice. On the third, you already scream, and on the fifth you throw a book at him or slap on a naughty muzzle. He stops doing it. But for a while... A similar situation can arise between a mother and a child. Lack of understanding between them is a consequence different levels development. Mom should get down on children's level and be patient, but this is not always possible. As a result, aggression becomes its universal variant of behavior in various difficult situations. For example, if the child is crying, and the mother does not know how to calm him down. If he does not obey and does everything in defiance, if he does not understand, no matter how much you say to him ... Aggression helps the mother to throw out her negativity and irritation. If the frightened child calms down, then she comes to the conclusion that swearing and physical punishment help solve the problem.

What advice would you give to such mothers?

- Aggression is a vicious circle in which mother and child fall. There are some top tips to help you get out of it.

1. Respect the child's personality. A child is not your property, but first of all a person with his own desires, character traits, preferences. Remember that you yourself were a child.
2. Put yourself in his place more often. Imagine how you might feel, see, and understand in his situation.
3. The child loves you. For him, there can be no one closer and more beloved than his mother. Remember this and do not betray his feelings. The child is a gift. No one can love you so unconditionally. Appreciate it.
4. You have given the world a man. This alone is enough to love and be proud of yourself. Appreciate yourself.
5. Do not reject the help of loved ones. Don't be afraid to leave the child with the father or your parents. Assign responsibilities to your family. A cheerful, cheerful and rested mother will be much more useful for a child than an exhausted and nervous woman.