How to build boundaries in a relationship. Expanding personal boundaries. Method #1 Individual rules

Every person who lives in this world builds personal boundaries. The person decides what they will be. A person has the right to manage his personal time and space as he sees fit to do so. But why do some people find happiness in their lives, while others fail to do so? Let's figure it out.

Definition

What is a person's personal boundaries? This is the space that a person encloses around himself and beyond which it does not allow strangers to enter. Moreover, this space should not be taken literally. Personal boundaries are both purely physical and psychological. Physical boundaries are not so difficult to define. You let any person close to you for a meter, but not everyone can come close to you. From an unfamiliar person who comes too close, you will move away.

And how to define psychological personal boundaries? This is more difficult to do. A person communicates with all people in different ways, and for each specific individual he builds his own barriers. Some people will be allowed to be touched, while others will not be allowed to be touched. To someone a person will reveal his secrets, and with someone he will only talk about the weather. Depending on how close this or that person is, you will react to it in different ways. And also the attitude towards a person will be influenced by personal sympathies, and the reciprocity of your feelings. A person is a rather complex creature, therefore it is not always possible for him to correctly build his psychological boundaries and protect them from the encroachments of other people.

Kinds

What are the personal boundaries of a person? Psychologists divide them into two main types:

1. Weak. Such boundaries can be easily violated. Moreover, they are encroached upon by both well-known people and strangers. If a person cannot convey to the interlocutor how to treat her, then the opponent will do as he sees fit. The weak are inherent weak people with low self-esteem and a suppressed sense of will. Such persons will not defend their rights, and will always stay away from something serious, considering themselves simply unworthy of some feats. Such persons are kind-hearted and love to help others. A person with weak personal boundaries will do charity work, and will agree to give his last things to please another, more needy person.
2. Strong boundaries. Persons who can stand up for themselves and will not allow others to infringe on their interests will build invisible walls around themselves, which will be difficult to break through not only for an unfamiliar, but even for a well-known person. From the outside, such individuals may seem too cold and unyielding. Their self-confidence and leadership qualities are visible to the naked eye. If someone decides to encroach on the personal boundaries of a person, then this someone will be rebuffed and will no longer want to encroach on what the person so fiercely guards. Some may think that such people are lonely. But there is nothing like it in their lives. It's just that people demand respect for themselves not only at work, but also at home. All households know the limit of a person's patience and will not cross it. Children who grow up in the family of a person who knows the boundaries of what is permitted will unconsciously adopt such a system of protecting their personality.

Varieties

A person must know his personal boundaries. This will help him feel comfortable. Also, the person must understand in which areas of life people should be given the opportunity to cross the line, and in which not. What are the types of personal boundaries?

1. Physical. Each person around him has a distance in which he does not allow unfamiliar people. You must understand exactly what is considered acceptable to you and what is not. If a person approaches you within a meter, will you start to panic? How about half a meter? You need to know exactly how far strangers it is pleasant for you to communicate so that in the future you can always keep a similar distance and feel comfortable. You should also set the distance for well-known people and those closest to you. You have to let people know what your boundaries are and how close they can get to you.
2. Psychological. Each person, by virtue of his upbringing and education, sets boundaries for feelings and emotions. A person can make some expressions of his feelings public, and a person will hide everything else under masks, since, in his opinion, these emotions should not be seen by others. You need to understand which emotions and feelings you consider public and which are not. Then you don't have to think about it every time you run into similar situation.
3. Spiritual. Everyone has the right to believe what they want. And if you believe in God, then don't let anyone shake your confidence. Atheists can beautiful speeches to convince that God never existed, but your right to insist on your own, and if you are uncomfortable, just get away from the topic.
4. social attachments. Each person has friends, acquaintances and relatives with whom a person contacts more often than with many others, therefore, with loved ones, you also need to build personal boundaries of what is permitted. You can't protect your friends from other people encroaching on them, but you can set aside time to spend alone with loved ones.

How borders work

Have you heard a lot about the boundaries of what is permitted, but do not quite understand where personal boundaries apply? How to build with your husband healthy relationships? Every girl thought about this question. So let's take it as an example to analyze the situation. How in many families does the husband show his authority to his wife? That's right, with the help of fists. But after all, a person never starts waving his arms unless he loses his temper. This means that at first the person must get excited and start screaming, and only then wave his arms and look for a target to defeat. But before a man boils, he must raise his voice and go to the new kind intonation. All these changes occur quite quickly, but even an inexperienced person can notice with the naked eye the changes that occur in a person.

A woman who has lived with her husband for many years knows perfectly well all the stages of her husband's anger. And if she knows this, then her personal boundaries are too weak. A man can beat her only when the lady herself allows him to do it. If a woman has strong boundaries, then she will not allow her soulmate to even raise her voice, let alone shout. Do you want to build a normal relationship with a man? Don't let him violate your personal boundaries. When a husband raises his voice, reproach him for this, or simply admonish him with the phrase: "I won't talk to you in that tone." The man will immediately return to the normal timbre of speech and stop boiling. And if a woman cannot stand up for herself, then she will forever endure beatings, and this will not be her husband's fault, but her own. How to set personal boundaries? Stop being a doormat and take responsibility for your life own hands.

Expanding personal boundaries

A person must have respect for himself. If it is not there, then the person will allow himself to be insulted and humiliated. How to set personal boundaries? A person needs to be made clear to others that he will not give anyone the opportunity to encroach on his personal space. How to do it? Interrupt all attempts of people to get into your life. And do it right away. For example, if you do not want to tell anyone about your personal life, no one can force you to talk about it. And when too inquisitive friends will try to get into your soul and find out what is happening there, you can answer all questions in the same way, thanks for your interest, I'm fine. If you answer in this manner every time, soon you will no longer be asked questions.

In the same way, you should teach others not to cross the line in their treatment of you. Do you notice that many people take out their anger on you? So you let people do it. Do not allow someone else's irritation, but rather, do not listen to other people's complaints. Someone begins to talk about his unfortunate fate? Interrupt the person and ask what good things are happening in the person's life. If he is offended and says that you are a bad friend, since you do not want to hear about the problems of others, you can always answer that you have enough problems in your life, and you want to hear something positive. After all, notice when the conversation people are coming about something good, they rarely clash with each other and argue about who has a better life. And when people complain, the dialogue often turns into scolding, raising their voices, and so on. Intentionally shield yourself from negativity, and then you will immediately notice how your life will improve.

All problems since childhood

Why do people grow up with weak personality boundaries? All the problems of any person must be sought in childhood. Why do parents violate the personal boundaries of children? Parents who are too concerned about the health of their child often suffer from the fact that, without unnecessary need, they will check the temperature of the child, forbid him to run and be naughty. Such overprotection will lead to the fact that the baby will grow into a dependent person who will not be able to take responsibility for his actions. It would seem, what are the boundaries here? The child will grow up too naive and trusting, and as a result, he will let anyone who outwardly looks cute and friendly approach him. But the intentions of a person may not be the most good-natured.

Parents who do not like the child also risk weakening the personal boundaries of the child. The child will need love and affection, which means he will look for such feelings on the side. And the kid will be happy with any person who will take a liking to him and take pity on him. An inferiority complex will remain with a person for life and a person simply cannot exist normally. Her self-esteem will depend on the opinions of others and on the assessment of human activity.

How else can parents violate the child's personal space? Every person is born with personal belongings. A person should have their own mug, cup, fork, etc. If adults constantly take the baby’s things and tell the child that this is quite normal phenomenon and you need to be able to share, then the child may develop an inferiority complex, which is popularly called soft-heartedness.

What needs to be protected from someone else's encroachment

Want to learn more about personal boundaries? Kovalev will help you with this. You can open any of teaching aids and learn more about all the features of human psychology. Among other things, Kovalev writes that you need to protect your personality boundaries from other people's encroachments. But in order to protect something, you need to understand exactly what it is.

1. Personal items. Each person has objects that are valuable to him, dear and have some kind of meaning for him. importance. Such things should be protected from the wrong hands. If someone takes your belongings without permission, then you must reprimand the person. Do you think it's selfish? Yes. And quite justified. It makes no sense to distribute your things to everyone in a row. If you decide to lend something to someone, it should be your personal unimposed desire. All other methods of taking items from you can be considered a direct violation of personal boundaries.
2. Personal time. A person should have the right to time that he spends exclusively on himself. The person should have no problem being alone with himself. A person is not obliged to go where his friends call him, just for the reason that people really want to see him. You should always make time in your routine to be alone with your thoughts and think about something personal. Psychology will help you build personal boundaries. The book that you can read on this topic has the same name with your problem, and its authors are Jenny Miller and Victoria Lambert.
3. Social connections. Every normal person should have well-established social ties. Every person has friends, family and soul mate. And with each of these types of people you need to properly build personal boundaries. How to understand the difference between different types of people? Listen to your intuition, it rarely makes mistakes in such things.
4. Dreams and desires. You have the right to dream and wish for anything. Your dreams should not be limited or imposed from outside. People can do whatever they want. And no one can limit their freedom of choice.

Reactions to violations of personal boundaries

How normal person reacts when an uninvited guest tries to stick his curious nose where he was not asked to climb? Violation of personal boundaries in psychology can be characterized by several reactions. Some of them are psychological, while others have external manifestations.

1. Negative emotions. First of all, a person whose personal space is being invaded by someone begins to get very annoyed. And this is quite normal. This is the first psychological symptom that it is time to fight back an uninvited guest. Violation of personal boundaries in this case is not too significant, but all the same, the person becomes uncomfortable with the fact that someone encroaches on the physical or moral space of a person.
2. Responsiveness. A person who is deeply hurt will react instantly. The person will try to protect himself from the intruder, and if this fails, then he will go on the offensive. The person will try in response to go beyond the admissible personal boundaries of the opponent.
3. Offensive words. The next stage, to which a person passes, whose space is being encroached upon, is insults. The person will scold his offender and raise his voice at him. And if all this does not help, then the person will get angry and start screaming.
4. Physical injury. If the opponent does not understand the need to stop, then the person whose boundaries have been violated may switch to using their fists. Solve problems using physical strength not the most the best solution, but sometimes there is nothing else left for a person.

Reasonable Approach

How should a person show their personal boundaries? Psychologists advise using this method. A person should stop an opponent who has taken too wide a step once. Your abuser must understand that he did something wrong, and you will not tolerate such treatment. Thus, you give the person the first warning. The person understands how you should be treated. But the next time they meet, a person can once again check the boundaries of what is acceptable. And if the opponent is once again rebuffed, he will understand that you are confident in your boundaries. Knowing exactly what is acceptable is very helpful. And there is no need to repeat to a person several times what is unpleasant for you. After all, you can simply not allow a person to cross the line.

And if a person does not understand your words and believes that you can endure, you must either stop communicating with this opponent or react sharply to his attacks. As a result, the person should understand that you are not joking and are really ready to defend yourself. Moreover, methods that will justify the means can be used even not the most kind.

In order to demand that other people respect their boundaries, you need to learn to respect other people's boundaries. Never play the fool or pretend not to understand the desires of others. After all, then these same people can cross your boundaries and thereby cause you inconvenience.

It's easier to install now than to reinstall

Everyone knows the phrase that it is better to do well right away than to redo it later. But it is one thing to know, and another to put knowledge into practice. How do you set personal boundaries? Psychologists assure that most people at first allow a lot to their new acquaintances, and then abruptly begin to demand something from people. And it turns out a situation where a person suddenly receives claims that he had not heard before. This often happens with couples who are just starting to date.

The girls first let the guy close, and then build a wall through which, with all the desire, it is very difficult to break through. The man begins to think that the lady decided to send him to the friend zone, and is looking for another more accessible girl. But in fact, the lady just wanted to remove the guy a little from herself, since she is unpleasant when a person violates her personal boundaries. In order not to get into awkward situations, and then not justify yourself to people, you must immediately be able to show your character. Show the boundaries of the permissible immediately, and not after the fact. Then you will not have to be upset, apologize and blush for your strange behavior. Don't be afraid to be weird in front of the other person. It will be worse if you go against your will and endure strong pressure from the people around you.

Troubleshooting

How to learn to protect personal boundaries? One must follow several simple rules which will help him significantly improve his life.

1. Learn to say no. If you don't feel like doing something, or just don't feel like going somewhere, say no. If a person asks you for a favor, and you have little time and energy to help him, then it is better to immediately refuse. Do not worry that you somehow harmed a friend. Always think of yourself and your own interests first. After all, a person has one life and you need to live it in such a way that later you do not regret how little you managed to do.
2. Give up strong feeling guilt. Do you want to expand your personal boundaries? The exercise that will help you do this is very simple. Deny people their requests and try to drown out the guilt. You must develop a reflex when you refuse a person something, but at the same time you feel as good as if you helped him.
3. Don't make excuses. If you can’t do something or don’t want to disclose some information, you don’t need to do it. Remember that you have a personal right to do what you want. Do not worry and do not think about what other people think badly of you. It doesn't matter what your friends think of you. If these are your good friends, they will not say anything bad. Well, if these are unfamiliar people, they simply will not find a reason to discuss you.
4. Don't take offense to heart. Did someone offend you or refuse to help? Don't take offense as a personal insult. Remember that everyone, including you, has the right to refuse. If you do not want to do something, just say it to the person in person, but remember that the person can honestly tell you that he will not help.
5. Know your rights and responsibilities. A person who understands well what and to whom he owes will never suffer from weak personal boundaries. The person will be self-confident and self-sufficient.

Building your own comfort zone

How to build personal boundaries? A person must reshape his character a little and learn:

1. Self-confidence. A person who takes into account, first of all, his own opinion, and not the opinion of others, will be happy. It will be easy for such a person to explain to others where the zone of his own comfort lies, which cannot be violated.
2. Dream and set goals. Restoring personal boundaries must begin with setting your desires and goals. A person must go somewhere in this life, only then can he become a harmonious personality. Moving without a landmark, it is too easy to get lost in the bustle of the city.
3. Learn to fight back against people who violate your boundaries. You need to tactfully, but still firmly, refuse anyone who violates your comfort zone. Such persons act ugly, and they should understand this. If a person has forgotten about your boundaries, feel free to remind him of them. How to change your personal boundaries? Self-confidence books will help you do just that.

The content of the article:

Personal boundaries are a zone of one’s own psycho-emotional and physical comfort, which in the mind of a person and his environment acts as a number of restrictions on this person, contributing to the personal security of a person, clear ideas where “I” ends and “not I” begins. These boundaries protect the intimate component of a person - his personal space.

Description and formation of a person's personal boundary

The formation of personality occurs from the moment of birth of a person and continues throughout life. Along with the personality, a personal boundary is formed. The term "personal boundary" in psychology is compared with a line, a protective membrane or a rim that allows you to distinguish between "I" and "non-I".

In general, personality is a multifaceted entity, therefore the personality boundary also has some spatial dimensions (according to S.K. Nartova-Bochaver):

• Awareness own body and its borders. It is formed in infancy, when the child begins to separate himself from his mother. Formed own "I". The presence of such turns in speech is traced: “I am a boy!” or "I'm a girl!"
• The need for personal space. Occurs after about 3 years. Means clearly marked boundaries of space that belong only to this person. For a child, this is most often his own bed, room, place at the table, etc.
• The presence of personal belongings. The need arises after 2 years, when children begin to understand where their toys are, and where others are. Personal things characterize the individuality of the preferences of the individual.
• Personal time. The concept of personal time is usually formed from the age of 7, when the child begins to attend school and a certain time regime is formed. The presence of this component reflects the orderliness of all dimensions of the personality boundary and allows you to designate the scope of their application.
• Communication with society, building interpersonal relationships. They are formed from birth on the example of communication with the mother and other family members. They represent the process of entry of "I" into the territory of "not I", distinguishing oneself in relations with others.
• Tastes and preferences. They are formed from preschool to primary school age and allow you to more clearly define your "I" in the world around.

The process of forming personal boundaries is a correlation of knowledge about oneself and ideas about the world around, as well as the construction of such an interaction strategy that implies complete personal harmony in the designated circle of rules.

Varieties of personal boundaries in relationships

Only during contact with others can one feel and test the limits of the existing framework, but we can measure them only where we come into direct contact with them. And the points of contact are various fields relationships.

In this regard, there are the following types of personal boundaries in relationships:

1. Physical - the level of the body and its sensations.
2. Psychological - feelings, emotions, meanings of the individual, which are individual.
3. Spiritual - a circle of religion and self-development in the knowledge of the world.
4. Social - the level of subordination, personal closeness in communication, obligations to others.

Each person has his own understanding of his own body, special personal experiences that are intimate. Belief in someone or something is also a personal characteristic. Sense-forming factors that determine the behavior of the individual are also purely individual.

Thus, under the guise of a boundary, we understand the range of ideas and meaning-forming factors within the personal space that characterizes a particular person. For example, if a person is not used to strangers to communicate “on“ You ”, and they begin to address him this way from the first minute of acquaintance, he begins to experience discomfort or even anger, which signals a violation of the subordination of communication - the social boundary of the individual.

But it is worth remembering that all types of boundaries change only by a person independently within the framework of his consciousness! Therefore, at the beginning of a relationship, it is worth talking about what ideas and preferences your chosen one (s) has in matters that are important to you. This moment will allow us to avoid many conflict situations and strengthen relationships by showing non-indifference.

Signs of violation of the personal boundary in a relationship

In normal Everyday life it is difficult to distinguish relationship violations from emotional overstrain or other psychological manifestations of anxiety. However, there are a number of signs that indicate that your personal integrity is being violated.

Violation personal boundary relationships are identified by:

• Negative emotions, feelings when interacting with a specific person, irritation or dissatisfaction with his words or actions;
• An impulse to act that is contrary to your principles / rules;
• Neglect of one of the characteristics of personal space that protect personal boundaries (disrespect for personal time, careless handling of personal belongings, etc.);
• Offensive statements from another person - disrespect for the individual as a whole;
• Harassment of your body or inconsistent touching.

Very often, the violation of individual boundaries occurs accidentally or unconsciously, due to the lack of knowledge about them. In this case, the person will ask for forgiveness for the discomfort caused and will try to find out the boundaries of acceptable behavior in relations with you, filling in the gaps in the idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthe partner.

However, there are cases when illegal actions are committed intentionally. This is a manifestation of deep disrespect for the individual and its integrity, despotism and authoritarianism of an encroaching person who does not want to reckon with the personal boundaries of another. Any kind of borders are violated, the most serious is the violation of borders physical body(harassment intimacy, for example), for which criminal liability is provided for in the legislation of any state.

At the time of the formation of personal boundaries (in preschool and junior school age) it is very important for parents to be sympathetic to the personal preferences of their child and try not to interfere with the development of the child's individuality. In the future, a small personality will form the realization that personal boundaries exist not only for him, thus respect and tolerance towards other people will be brought up.

Violation of personal boundaries takes place at the beginning of a relationship with another person and requires an explanatory conversation. If discussions do not help and your boundaries are violated unprincipledly, then ending the relationship will be reasonable. After all, health is above all, both physical and psychological. If the child's personal circle is violated, it is worth remembering that this violation can act as a catalyst for psychological trauma with which you and your child will have to live.

How to maintain personal boundaries in a relationship

But sometimes people are so carried away by this similarity that they completely forget about their individuality, the boundaries of personality become blurred, indefinite, or completely erased. A person lives with the ideas, thoughts and feelings of another person. Therefore, it is very important to preserve and designate personal boundaries at the very beginning of the journey.

To tell your position, you need to clearly represent it in your mind. To do this, it is recommended to write the rules according to which your relationship with a specific person will be built, with the subparagraphs “Allowed”, “Permissible” and “Forbidden”.

"Allowed":

• You can call me "You" (social boundary);
• I like holding hands (physical boundary);
• Joint walks (social border);
• Cash payment at your expense (social border);
• I do not like topics about cars (psychological border).

• Consensual sex (physical boundary);
• Living together with my parents (social boundary);
• You can express what does not suit you in a relationship with me (psychological border).

• Profanity in my presence (psychological boundary);
• Sex or physical touch when I don't want to (physical boundary);
• Offensive statements about my parents/relatives (psychological boundary).

So, the ways to maintain a personal boundary in a relationship include:

1. Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Compromise is possible, but rather as an exception than as a rule.
2. Designation of personal boundaries for a partner in any convenient way: conversation, the method of "on the contrary" (what not to do with you), recording on any medium (paper, video, etc.). The most important thing is the accessibility of the presentation without hidden meanings.
3. The presence of the main attributes of a personal boundary: personal time, personal things and their protection.
4. Harmony with yourself. If there is a feeling that the border should be changed - do it!
5. Preservation of a personal circle of contacts. You should not communicate only with your partner's acquaintances, this can cause "dissolution of your boundaries."
6. Spiritual and mental development. The more developed a person is, the more elastic and mobile personal boundaries become.
7. Dreams, desires and personal meanings. Motivation determines our aspirations, this allows us not to lose ourselves.

Many people, for various reasons, do not know how to build healthy psychological boundaries in relationships. They either merge with a partner or set up rigid barriers that prevent them from achieving true intimacy. Let's look at the main motives that drive you when you build unhealthy boundaries.

3 types of psychological boundaries of personality.

Psychologists who study the problems of establishing psychological boundaries identify 3 (three) main types of barriers (boundaries) between individuals in relationships.

3 types of psychological boundaries.

Blurred psychological boundaries in relationships.

Blurred or fuzzy psychological boundaries between personalities arise when each individual entering into a relationship has unformed personality boundaries.

Relationships of this kind in psychology are called unhealthy fusion or codependency.

There is only one example of a healthy relationship with blurred psychological boundaries - this is the fusion of the first kind between an infant (up to 2-3 years old) and his mother.

Examples of unhealthy blurry borders:

• when a mother talks about her 20-year-old son: “We went to the army”, “We got sick”.

• "Relationships", Savior and Victim.

• The relationship between husband and wife, when, for example, the wishes of the husband are perceived by the wife as her own. Think of Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride.

• The inability to say "yes" or "no" in communications between people.

Impenetrable psychological boundaries in relationships.

If in the case of blurred boundaries it is not clear “where am I and my desires, and where are you and yours”, then impenetrable psychological barriers, on the contrary, are so impenetrable that individuals simply cannot communicate normally with each other.

A person with impenetrable psychological boundaries became so overlaid with barriers that he became like a cold and impregnable fortress, surrounded by ditches and spikes in stone walls.

Such a person is closed, does not share feelings and desires openly. Rejects closeness and intimacy in relationships. It is impossible to communicate normally with such a person, there is a feeling that you are communicating with a wall.

Healthy psychological boundaries in relationships.

Rarely seen. Since most of us grew up in co-dependent families, we copy patterns of setting unhealthy psychological barriers.

Explains and demonstrates well healthy psychological relations with healthy boundaries "The Gestalt Prayer":

"I am me. And YOU are you.

I do my thing and YOU do your thing.

I did not come into this World to meet your expectations and ideas about me. YOU did not come into this world to meet my expectations.

And if we MET - it's great. If not, then it can't be helped.

F. Perls 1951«

Thus, individuals with healthy psychological boundaries have and are aware of the boundary between "I" and "YOU", which allows you to establish relationships based on love, intimacy and intimacy.

They value and respect their own boundaries and the boundaries of their relationship partner.

Motivations that hinder the establishment of healthy boundaries in relationships.

Let's take a closer look at all those false motives that prevent us from establishing healthy psychological boundaries in a relationship.

Fear of losing love or being rejected.

Under the influence of such fear, people say “yes”, and then internally resent it. This is the predominant motif of the "martyrs". They give in order to receive love and respect in return, and if they do not receive them, they feel miserable.

Fear of anger from others.

Because of old wounds and barriers not repaired, some people can't bear to have someone on top of them. It is easier for them to make concessions than to endure. loud voice interlocutor or someone's "arrival".

Fear of loneliness.

Some people give in to others because it seems to them that in this way they will be able to "win" love and put an end to their loneliness.

Fear of breaking the established idea of ​​love.

The assumption that if they refuse, the other person may experience a sense of loss.

It often happens that people who have not properly dealt with their own losses and disappointments give in because of excessive empathy. Every time they have to refuse another person, they feel his sadness. And moreover, they feel it to such an extent that that person did not even dream of. They are afraid of hurting, and therefore it is easier for them to agree.

CONCLUSION: To establish healthy psychological boundaries, you need to learn that first FREEDOM, and only then SERVICE.

Take care of yourself and your needs first, love yourself first. And only then, love and care for another person.

If you serve to get rid of fear, you are doomed to failure.

If a person gives out of abundance, he receives a great reward. If he gives from a lack, then he deprives of love not only himself, but also another person.

Write in the comments , what type of psychological boundaries from the three described are you now building. What motives drive you when you agree against your wishes?

I am sure you will give many examples from own life when you failed to say "no" and build healthy psychological barriers. When you give out of lack, out of fear of losing love.

If you need help setting healthy psychological boundaries, contact the author of this blog.

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Most relationship problems come from the fact that personal boundaries are violated. The person himself is often to blame for this, because he labeled them poorly. This designation is most successful at the very beginning of building relationships.

Personal boundaries are what other people shouldn't do to you.. They are also sometimes called the psychological boundaries of the personality.

Personal boundaries are like marking a territory. Countries and states have borders that protect their territory from unwanted intrusion. When crossing an invisible line, you will find yourself in a foreign land. Often they are not marked along the entire perimeter, but in the most passable places there is usually a post.

Personal boundaries protect your identity from unwanted intrusion and are the foundation of your mental health. If they are often violated, then the person has a feeling of irritation or anger.

• Weak and narrow boundaries lead to the fact that others often violate them.
• Strong and wide borders protect your identity and allow you to maintain emotional health.

Personal boundaries in action

To explain this more clearly, let's look at a fairly common situation with domestic violence. How does it usually happen?

1. Hit: For most people it is unacceptable to be hit.
2. scream: but before you get hit, usually the person yells at you.
3. Raised conversation: but before you are shouted at, there is usually a conversation in raised tones.
4. slight irritation: but before talking in raised tones, usually happens slight boost tones - this is not yet a conversation in raised tones, but just a slight irritation in the voice.

Depending on the width of your borders, you will only stop a person when he crosses them. For many it will only be for a moment strike (1).

How to build strong personal boundaries

By pushing the limits of acceptable behavior for us, we can nip problems in the bud before they become a big threat.

1. If you follow the rule that others can't hit you- your limits are very narrow, because as soon as they are violated, you have already suffered physically.
2. If you expand your limits, what people can't yell at you- the chance of getting hit is less.
3. If you expand this further, what is for you unacceptable conversation in raised tones, the chance of being hit is greatly reduced.
4. If you expand your limits to the limits, what is for you even a slight increase in tone is unacceptable- the prospect of being hit or even being yelled at goes down to zero.

If you represent it graphically - draw yourself in the center of a piece of paper and after that several concentric circles. The “blow” border is almost on your skin, and each subsequent circle is further and further. By expanding your boundaries and making them strong and wide, you get maximum protection.

How to build healthy relationships

To build a healthy relationship, you need to:

• know your limits clearly
• strictly observe them and demand compliance from others

For example, the previous boundary is built like this: as soon as you hear a change in the tone of the conversation (slight irritation in the voice of the interlocutor), immediately stop and ask him: why are you talking to me like that? AT this case HOW a person says is much more important than WHAT he says. You are laying the foundation for future relationships: how you want to be treated forever. Most likely, the person will automatically change their behavior and start speaking in a normal tone.

It is important to catch the very first violation, because if you endure it 10 times and then decide to set limits, the person will be surprised: what is the problem? You always liked everything. Boundaries should not only be wide, but strong (that is, they must be enforced every time).

It is necessary to establish the rules of acceptable behavior for you in a calm, even tone, without offense. Usually, when the limits are violated for the first time (especially if you have wide limits), a person does not even notice that he is doing something wrong, he just got used to it. If you stop him, he will immediately get used to the fact that this is not the way to behave with you. It is necessary to respond to subsequent violations every time, but not with a scandal, but simply by leaving the situation, because he already knows your requirements and there is no point in repeating the same thing 10 times. Saying something just once is also a boundary; having to repeat your demands shows your partner's disrespect. Sometimes it is enough just to stop and look at him for a long time - he will understand that he did something wrong.

Naturally, for boundaries to be strong, the same requirements must be applied to yourself: if you constantly shout (2) on a man, sooner or later he will become scream (2) on you, and this is not far from strike (1). If you yourself do not even cross the limit slight increase in tone (4) and do not allow him to cross this restriction, then the situation is almost unrealistic that the man you hit (1).

relationship problems

If there are problems in a relationship, it is always because of violation of personal boundaries: a person does something to you that is unpleasant for you. In any case, you need to go to the point of the initial violation (what exactly brought you the first time discomfort) and set behavioral limits.

If the relationship is no longer new, it is more difficult to reset personal boundaries than to build them correctly from the very beginning. In this case, it is worth sitting down and thinking about how you can expand your limits so as to protect yourself as much as possible from unpleasant sensations.

• What exactly is for you problem?
• What does your partner?
• What exactly would you prefer in return?

Draw it all on a sheet of paper with concentric circles: how can you expand your boundaries and stop the problem for more early stage. After that, you need to discuss the situation with your partner, speaking in "I" terms (when you do X, I feel Y, I would rather you do Z).

Example: treason

For example, in the case of infidelity: it all starts not even with flirting, but with glances at other women. If you immediately make it clear to a man that looking at other women when he is with you is unacceptable, and that if he does, you will leave, he will have a strong connection between his attention to other women and possible loss you forever.

• When you first notice that he is looking at other women or flirting, ask him: what, did you like her? Whatever he says, calmly note that I have made it a rule to never look at other men when I am with a partner. For me, this would mean disrespect for my companion. You can end there. That is: you have designated your personal boundary, although you did not demand that he observe it - but in relationships, reciprocity is always assumed by default.
• If you notice again that he is flirting with other women, there is no point in voicing the same thing a second time - he remembers perfectly what you said. In this case, the easiest way is to calmly (without scandal) and imperceptibly leave - either completely, or retire to another place in the same room. When he loses you (and he will definitely lose you) and asks what's the matter, calmly ask the question: will you always behave like this? He, of course, will answer something like: how exactly, what are you inventing, there was nothing, and so on. Listen carefully without interrupting and say: I can't be with a man who flirts and looks at other women. If you want to keep doing this, I can’t be with you, because it’s extremely unpleasant for me.
• So the guy has a very clear causal relationship: if he looks at other girls, you will leave and he will experience unpleasant feeling anxiety and loss of your attention. If you make a scandal, then for him this is additional attention, it may even flatter him. That is, paying more attention to bad behavior you stimulate him.

An example from my life: when I met my husband, we often ate in restaurants and because we like to try different foods when we order different dishes, tried a piece from each other. One of my friends once told me that “she doesn’t share food and men”, and now, sitting in a restaurant, we tried each other’s food, and I remembered her words and told my future husband: “One of my friends said she never shares food and men… I love to share food, but I will never share a man.” He looked into my eyes, and I realized that I had said something very important.

If there are too many people in your life: your mother constantly climbs with advice on work, your girlfriend calls at any time of the day, and the guy indicates with whom you should communicate and with whom not - you have obvious problems with personal boundaries. It seems that in relationships with loved ones there is no place for prohibitions. But personal space should be in any area, be it family, work or friendship. Heroine understands what personal boundaries are and how to set them correctly.

What are personal boundaries

To set boundaries, you must have a good understanding of what it is. Here is how psychotherapist Racine Henry explains:

The border is the line of respect. It is a restriction that you place on certain behavior that is unpleasant or undesirable. This is a way to verbally or non-verbally show how you want to be treated.

When someone says or does something that offends or makes you uncomfortable, it's worth considering setting boundaries so that the behavior doesn't happen again.

Boundaries are important in all types of relationships—romantic, friendship, work, family. Often people around us unintentionally upset us. Setting rules of conduct will ultimately help you feel better.

How to set boundaries

Label them first in your head

Before pestering a person with ultimatums, you must clearly define your desires. Point out what in his behavior makes you uncomfortable and why this happens.

It's not always someone else's fault for breaking boundaries. We ourselves often give a reason to go beyond: we are too frank with a colleague with whom we do not plan to be friends, without any purpose, or we agree to the prohibitions of a partner.

Decide why you set these boundaries, only then you can explain it to a person in an accessible and correct way.

Think about the best way to say it

Ignore messages and avoid meeting - not The best way hint to the person that you are annoyed. This is rude and too ambiguous. Only a direct conversation will help you achieve respect.

Like all important conversations, discussions about boundaries should be personal. Although this rule does not apply to all situations. If you feel that it is embarrassing for you to talk in private, it is better to use the message on the Internet. In some cases, this helps to be more frank and understandable in expressing an idea.

Discuss the boundary as something that will help build relationships, not alienate you.

Be prepared for the reaction of the interlocutor

Think ahead about how the person might respond to your limitations. If you know that he does not know how to listen, be concise. Does not take criticism well - talk about how you feel, and do not blame him. Does not take your words seriously - be honest and even tough.

Most likely, the person will not immediately accept your attempt to establish personal boundaries. Explain that you came in peace, but stick to your decision.

Keep the boundaries

Defining boundaries is not the most difficult thing, it is important to keep them further in a relationship. The person may nod and agree, but continue to behave as usual. Repeat your request for as long as necessary. In the worst case, it is worth limiting or stopping communication to show the seriousness of intentions. Remember why these boundaries matter to you and put your feelings first.

Maintaining boundaries isn't just about the person you're talking to. You have to play by your own rules too. If you ask for your personal life, do not complain to your mother about your problems with a guy.

Before you start talking about personal boundaries, decide if you are able to respect them.

Do you think there should be personal boundaries in relationships with family and partner?