What to read how to build your boundaries. Why is it needed. Varieties of personal boundaries in relationships

To exist as a person, one must be able to draw boundaries and say “no” to something.

Iris Murdoch

Why is it necessary to clearly define the line of “one’s own personal boundary”? Why should this boundary be understood, realized and studied? The answer is simple - for happiness and inner comfort! When our personal boundaries are violated, we cease to be ourselves and begin to live someone else's life and dance to other people's tunes. This leads to constant internal dissatisfaction, pent-up anger, resentment, and other negative emotions. Violation of personal boundaries causes discomfort, since absolutely every person needs personal space.

It is also difficult to build personal relationships - not knowing our personal boundaries, we allow our partner not to treat us very well, tolerating what cannot be tolerated. And then, in the end, we break down, telling him everything that is needed and not needed, and we spoil the relationship very much, and sometimes we break it off.

And the person simply did not know that it was possible to walk “here”, but “here” it was no longer possible. Who is to blame? He? No, you are to blame, because initially you did not define your boundaries and your clear position in life.

Woman's personal boundaries

Parents often teach girls to be nice and obedient and do as they are told. And the girls do and behave as they are told, unlearning to feel themselves and their bodies. Everything that happens personally to her is relegated to the background. As a result, her personal boundaries are erased, become permeable.

Today we will talk about how to recognize and strengthen your personal boundaries. To become happier, more successful and joyful.

Knowing that your boundaries have been violated is quite simple. If you experience irritation, discomfort, and in some cases even anger, then they are violated. For example, when stranger comes too close to you, you feel annoyed that he violated your personal space. This irritation appears unconsciously. The same irritation appears in any interpersonal relationship, and it is this that is the first signal that your boundaries are violated. Just don't dismiss it, but notice that right here, in this very place, is your border.

How to strengthen and define personal boundaries

At the level of the physical body

We must learn to feel physical body. Right now, feel yourself and the position of your body in space. What do you experience - hot, cold, cool? What do you sit or lie on, what do you see and hear. Feel all areas of your body and its boundaries. If there are areas that you have forgotten about or are deliberately trying not to feel, touch them. And then touch other parts of the body, pay attention to tactile sensations. Learn to feel yourself in your body every second. What are you feeling right now as you read this article? Be in the body always, constantly, and then you will clearly feel your personal boundaries.

At the level of consciousness and understanding

Think what do you want? You personally, not your parents, spouses or society. Write your "Declaration of Independence" including everything you are entitled to.

For example:

– I have the right to express my opinion and be heard;

– I have the right to rest and personal time;

– I have the right to live in joy and pleasure;

– I have the right to physical and mental integrity;

– I have the right to feel different emotions;

“I have the right to love who I want and not to love who I don’t want;

- I have the right to be loved;

- I have the right to act as I see fit;

– I have the right to personal development and self-realization.

At the level of communication with other people

The most important thing is to learn how to say “no”. Sometimes this can be quite difficult to do. People are afraid to say "no" for fear of not being loved. That they will be offended and stop communicating with them. And they move their boundaries, feeling uncomfortable and irritated, but afraid to say no. In fact, when you say no, you are just defending your own boundaries, not breaking someone else's.

In fact, people respect even enemies with principles and clear boundaries. But people who are constantly trying to please everyone are never respected and often just used. Men often take advantage of women who try to please them in everything. They treat them disrespectfully and push their boundaries more and more, sometimes literally sitting on their heads. Who is to blame? The woman who initially allowed herself to be treated like this is to blame. Who endured disrespect in the hope that someday he would appreciate her sacrifice, change his mind and understand everything (how wonderful, kind and positive she is).

Is a woman happy in such a relationship? Of course not. Because a person whose personal boundaries are violated cannot be happy a priori. Because, as I wrote above, violation of personal boundaries always leads to irritation and negative emotions trapped inside.

If you know how to refuse something to someone, this does not mean that they will not love you. They just won’t use you - yes, but they won’t stop loving if they really love. You are an independent, adult, independent person and you have the right not to do what you do not want. And you also have the right to do what you want. You have the right to want something and not want something. And you have the right to say no. Always remember this!

Now think about what actions or words of other people violate your boundaries? What do not you like?

By the way, think about whether you are violating someone else's boundaries? Do you climb into someone else's life when you are not asked to? People can live and act as they want and see fit. It should concern you only when it affects you personally. Your borders are when they come to your territory and start hosting there. And not when you go to someone else's territory and manage there, setting your own rules.

If a person has violated your boundaries, do not make a fuss and shout. Just somehow let him know that this is not the way to do it to you. For example, you agreed with a man about a date for 17 hours. The time is 17.10, but he is not there, and there is no call that he is delayed. Don't wait, just turn around and leave. Otherwise, in the position of "waiting" you will be endless. And in the case when a man asks you why you left, you can say: “We agreed to meet at 17.00. You did not come at the appointed time, and I left. I myself am never late, respecting and appreciating other people's time and I want my time to be valued too. Believe me, if a man is really interested in you, he will never be late again, and will always warn you about the delay.

And not necessarily a man. Maybe you have such a girlfriend that you are constantly waiting for. If she knows that you will not wait for her, believe me, she will hurry up and leave the house early. And so she knows that you will wait for her, and therefore she considers it quite normal to show disrespect to you, constantly being late.

That is, if your boundaries are violated, punish. Clearly, let's understand that this is not the way to behave with you.

By the way, men with boundaries have a much greater degree of order than women. They clearly know their boundaries and know how to defend them, we have a lot to learn from them.

When you know your boundaries, it is much easier to communicate with you, no matter how strange it may seem to you now. It's just that people will respect you and know that your "yes" means yes and your "no" means no.

Protect and defend your borders and do not violate others! And then life will turn to you with the brightest and best side!

If there are too many people in your life: your mother constantly climbs with advice on work, your girlfriend calls at any time of the day, and the guy indicates with whom you should communicate and with whom not - you have obvious problems with personal boundaries. It seems that in relationships with loved ones there is no place for prohibitions. But personal space should be in any area, be it family, work or friendship. Heroine understands what personal boundaries are and how to set them correctly.

What are personal boundaries

To set boundaries, you must have a good understanding of what it is. Here is how psychotherapist Racine Henry explains:

The border is the line of respect. It is a restriction that you place on certain behavior that is unpleasant or undesirable. This is a way to verbally or non-verbally show how you want to be treated.

When someone says or does something that offends or makes you uncomfortable, it's worth considering setting boundaries so that the behavior doesn't happen again.

Boundaries are important in all types of relationships—romantic, friendship, work, family. Often people around us unintentionally upset us. Setting rules of conduct will ultimately help you feel better.

How to set boundaries

Label them first in your head

Before pestering a person with ultimatums, you must clearly define your desires. Point out what in his behavior makes you uncomfortable and why this happens.

It's not always someone else's fault for breaking boundaries. We ourselves often give a reason to go beyond: we are too frank with a colleague with whom we do not plan to be friends, without any purpose, or we agree to the prohibitions of a partner.

Decide why you set these boundaries, only then you can explain it to a person in an accessible and correct way.

Think about the best way to say it

Ignore messages and avoid meeting - not The best way hint to the person that you are annoyed. This is rude and too ambiguous. Only a direct conversation will help you achieve respect.

Like all important conversations, discussions about boundaries should be personal. Although this rule does not apply to all situations. If you feel that it is embarrassing for you to talk in private, it is better to use the message on the Internet. In some cases, this helps to be more frank and understandable in expressing an idea.

Discuss the boundary as something that will help build relationships, not alienate you.

Be prepared for the reaction of the interlocutor

Think ahead about how the person might respond to your limitations. If you know that he does not know how to listen, be concise. Does not take criticism well - talk about how you feel, and do not blame him. Does not take your words seriously - be honest and even tough.

Most likely, the person will not immediately accept your attempt to establish personal boundaries. Explain that you came in peace, but stick to your decision.

Keep the boundaries

Defining boundaries is not the most difficult thing, it is important to keep them further in a relationship. The person may nod and agree, but continue to behave as usual. Repeat your request for as long as necessary. In the worst case, it is worth limiting or stopping communication to show the seriousness of intentions. Remember why these boundaries matter to you and put your feelings first.

Maintaining boundaries isn't just about the person you're talking to. You have to play by your own rules too. If you ask for your personal life, do not complain to your mother about your problems with a guy.

Before you start talking about personal boundaries, decide if you are able to respect them.

Do you think there should be personal boundaries in relationships with family and partner?

Personal boundaries are a line that runs between individuals, the people around them, and larger ones. social systems. They are needed so that we can clearly feel: where I am, and where I am not; where are my own emotions, actions, beliefs and thoughts, and where are others. And if these emotions and thoughts are mine, then I am responsible for them and control them. Borders also guard our inner world from outside encroachment.

They may look like a five-meter stone fence with barbed wire and machine gunners on the towers. Or they may be absent altogether - all the doors will be wide open. Boundaries can change depending on the context and environment, become solid for some people and completely blurred for others.

Personal boundaries can be opened for "import", when we gladly accept other people's help, resources, time, money, etc., or for "export" - our own resources. We usually import what we especially need, and we export either what we have in abundance, or what we hope to get a good price for.

Boundaries are needed to indicate two important issues:

1. What do I consider my property (and, accordingly, I will protect)?

2. What am I responsible for (and will try to control)?

Boundary Check

How does this manifest itself in specific behavior? There are people for whom property boundaries can be very arbitrary. Such a person does not consider anything his own, inviolable, he "does not become attached to things." He cannot close himself in his room because he considers it impolite. Such people cannot refuse help or money, even realizing that this money will not come back. Their borders are always open for imports, it is important for them that people see them as kind, generous and open. It's a way to build relationships. Sometimes they even think that having nothing of their own is safer.

The opposite type is people whose boundaries are too extended. They consider everything their property - wife, children, employees, office or apartment space, other people's things and time. They do not see other people's boundaries and do not consider it necessary to observe them. Wherever such a person is, there is always “too much” of him, he captures the space around him. And if he was not given something in a good way, he can take it away "in a bad way."

Two "extreme" types exist in relation to responsibility. There are people who take on too much, trying to control what is beyond their control. Such a wife thinks that her husband yelled at her because she did not have time to set the table on time or did not clean up well enough. People agree with every charge brought against them. The logic is this: if I tried better (guessed other people's desires and did everything right), then this magically would change those around you, make them happy and loving. People with such a strategy of thinking lack recognition and praise, they are ready to do everything to get this simple currency.

The other extreme is characters who are not ready to take responsibility not only for others, but also for themselves. They do not see their contribution to development conflict situations, do not accept criticism and try to avoid any commitment. If you entrust them with a project, they will either require a partner or will come running every half hour with questions and clarifications so that the responsibility does not lie with them (or at least not with them alone). Men with a fear of responsibility are almost elusive for marital or paternal obligations. They consider them a violation of their boundaries, because the family will force them to change their usual way of life.

Border Guard Day

How to define your boundaries and protect them? Unfortunately, you cannot put up pegs and notify others that “this half a meter of land around me is my territory, do not enter without knocking.” Although, in fact, this is exactly what young ladies with long puffy skirts did in the old days.

In my trainings, I often spend a simple exercise. I ask a person to designate a limit invisible to others, and I begin to slowly approach it - step by step. The task of the participant is to make it clear without words that I am already close to the point that I do not need to cross. The reaction is very different. Someone is very calm at first and only in last moment starts to frown. Someone, on the contrary, from my first step “gets into a pose” and puts on “boxing gloves”. Very polite people let me close, with a bewildered smile on their face. And only then it turns out that I have long passed the intended border. There was also such an “intelligent” reaction: when a person understands that I am not going to stop and provoke him to more obvious actions, he himself takes a step back, leaving his integrity stable. But in order to stay at a safe distance from me, he has to give up his territory.

I don't know how you would react in this exercise. Think about it.

You can protect your borders in different ways in different situations. The ability to say "no" (without the subsequent sprinkling of ashes on the head!) Is an important personality skill. It is necessary for those who easily succumb to pressure, aggression and other "honest ways of taking money."

The ability to create and protect one's boundaries, of course, is formed even by parents. But during life (and with different people) boundaries can change many times. Teenagers, for example, guard them belligerently, this life span they need in order to separate from their parents and learn to build their own lives, to respect themselves. And couples in love sometimes completely dissolve in each other, and only then they begin to notice that it has become crowded. If you do not revise the rules of interaction in time, do not outline the circle of your interests, then the couple comes to a crisis or even breaks up.

Like any other skill, the ability to see and respect your own and others' boundaries can well be mastered in more late period time.

How to defend your territory

How do you react to a yelling boss? Are you worried about public speaking? Are you able to refuse requests from loved ones if they are inconvenient for you? Do children have the right to disagree with you, to close in their room? How do you feel when your spouse (or best friend) said something “not right”? Do you want to suggest, correct, give a cuff, shame, do you think that the actions of loved ones “dishonor your reputation”?

The skill of respecting other people's boundaries is, first of all, allowing other people to be different from you. I recently caught my eye good aphorism: “Egoism is not when you do what you want. This is when you are sure that others should do what YOU want. When you want to "do good" to someone - that is, to help, give advice, stand up for someone, correct the situation - pause and look around. Does this violate someone's interests, does it plunge your counterpart into a position of helplessness and dependence? Have you been asked for this help? Does the person really need this kind of help?

The hallmark of “healthy” boundaries is their flexibility.

If you know how to move away from situations that are dangerous or unpleasant for you (if not physically, then at least emotionally!),

if you can, depending on the situation, be open to "import" and "export" of resources, use the words "yes" and "no" adequately,

if you consider getting close to the people you choose comfortable and safe,

if you are able to take into account both your own interests and the interests of others,

then your relationships with people become much more simple, honest and pleasant.

Boundaries in relationships need to be established before they become uncomfortable or burdensome. Each of us must learn to build personal boundaries, assert ourselves in relation to others, and think a little more about ourselves.

personal boundaries in relationships

Have you thought about how to properly set boundaries in a relationship? Most likely, the answer will be "no".

Why is this statement true? Because you are in a false dependence on the social postulate that says - right relationship built on submission own interests the interests of another person. In fact, it is very dangerous.

Setting personal boundaries won't stop you from having healthy relationships- on the contrary, to clearly define the boundaries in relationships, helps to stimulate and improve them.

From the moment you allowed a relationship where there are no clearly defined boundaries, you opened the door and let in manipulators and emotional vampires of all stripes, and now “toxic” people will enter your life one by one! Relationships without personal boundaries make a person suffer, cause such unpleasant conditions as depression, hysteria, apathy, violations eating behavior various phobias.

Why is it so difficult to set boundaries in a relationship?

Indeed, many of us find it difficult to set boundaries in relationships - this is because we have a lot of fear and insecurity, which are based on various false ideas implanted in the minds of others - from grandmothers and parents to closest friends and teachers.

Most often, it is low self-esteem that makes you feel inferior to others and, therefore, low self-esteem makes you an easy target for people who know how to manipulate, recharge from your humiliation and suffering.

Example: the man constantly repeats: “you are fat, you have cellulite, you have small breasts ...” and therefore you forgive his pranks with a young work colleague ... you cry and forgive - “well, of course, you can understand him, he has to endure my imperfection”... A banal story about women with low self-esteem. In this case, it’s easy to build the boundaries of a relationship with a man - first go to any dating site, there you get thousands of likes for your favorite photo and dozens of offers to meet in real life, which instantly increases your self-esteem, after which it will be very easy to announce new boundaries to your husband or partner - caught cheating - immediately adies!

You do not limit yourself to suffering because you are sure that you deserve it!

Fear of conflict with other people is another reason why you are afraid to assert your boundaries in a relationship for fear of being disapproved or unloved.

Thus, you have not taken your place and are always ready to say "please".

When fearing conflict, we do not set personal boundaries in a relationship, then, as a rule, we allow ourselves to be unfair to ourselves.

Despite all of the above, you can be sure that the most a big problem is not that you have low self-esteem or that you do not want conflict with someone, but that you simply do not know how to set personal boundaries in a relationship.

How to learn to protect your personal boundaries

Neither society nor the people around you will ever teach you to assert yourself, set boundaries in relationships and protect your own needs. Therefore, we must learn it ourselves. But how? Here are a few simple tips how to set boundaries in a relationship.

• Start saying "no" to everything you don't want to do or don't have time for. Regardless of what others say, they will be angry or not. Do only what you want. Example: you are visiting, and by 12 at night wild fatigue has come over you, you really want to climb into your own bed, curl up and fall asleep, but your partner (partner) is having fun on to the fullest and says: - "Come on, it's so cool here, let's hang out for a couple more hours!". Usually you compromise, thinking that your consent will return a hundredfold, or that one drunken husband or wife cannot be left in such a playful company. This is a mistake - your condition is your personal boundaries - calmly, without scandal, report your condition, call a taxi and leave home alone. Believe me, this will cause your partner much more respect than your sad carcass at a party.
• Use "I" to express how you feel or what you want. For example, "I'm too tired at work to go to your mom's to dig potatoes." No need to justify yourself with such phrases as: “I have to get up early in the morning”, “the car broke down”. Refuse clearly and directly. Example: if you tell your spouse that you don’t risk going to the country because the CV boot has torn and needs to be replaced before traveling off-road, then you will hear a lot of unflattering phrases about how sloppy you are, you do everything at the wrong time, they started the car. ..and besides, you will be forced to urgently go to the service, after which a trip to the country is guaranteed! Set your boundaries and life will become much easier: tired means tired. Dot!
• Don't apologize every time you talk about your desire. For example, replace the phrase "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I want to stay at home" with the phrase "I want to stay at home."
• Don't make excuses when expressing your opinion or making a decision. You don't need to make excuses, even if the other person is seething with anger. You must learn to trust your own decisions.

To assert boundaries in a relationship, be yourself.

In order to set personal boundaries in a relationship, you may need to learn how to be truly self-reliant. Do not do what others like and do not expect approval from anyone. Your actions should bring pleasure first of all to you.

Of course, this is very difficult, because from childhood we were taught that we should please the people around us.

Something as simple as saying no helps prevent someone from manipulating you by refusing to do what you ask. Haven't you noticed that the more you please a person, the less he pleases you?

When is the right time to set boundaries in a relationship?

So when exactly is the time right time to set boundaries in personal relationships? The answer is simple: "When you feel bad."

If someone starts to take your energy and makes you feel uncomfortable, this is a sure sign that you have already begun to share your legitimate freedom of choice.

This happens in all types of relationships. Relationships with family, friends and work colleagues.

Personal boundaries are not the rejection of social connections. In all respects, we function on the basis of certain agreements or rules. Therefore, do not confuse personal boundaries with responsibilities. Everything is very simple - the request of the wife to take the child from kindergarten or a husband's request to iron his shirt, this is not an encroachment on freedom. A solid no in such a case is likely to cause a serious conflict.

Relationship boundaries are very important.

By refusing to do something we don't feel like expressing ourselves without feeling guilty or ashamed, even if others see us as bad light stop making excuses...

We must learn to rely only on own desires, personal foothold and comfort, not to depend on others. Learn to be more assertive, to avoid being manipulated, to express what you want without guilt or fear of others' reactions.

Start setting boundaries in your relationship as soon as possible, don't wait until the relationship begins to bring you physical pain due to the false belief that you must always please other people.