Psychological abuse in a relationship with a woman. Emotional domestic violence

Violence is the conscious use of psychological pressure or physical force against oneself or other people. Such actions may result in mental injury, bodily injury, mental impairment and other damage. Violent actions by origin are divided into 4 types. These include psychological abuse, the consequences of which are often irreversible.

Violent actions of a moral nature are non-physical pressure on a person, which is carried out in four ways:

Emotional control. This includes provocation and manipulation of the subject's experiences.
Information control. The manipulator monitors through which information channels the victim receives data (music, books, news).
Mind control. The victim obeys other people's attitudes, and not their own thinking.
behavioral control. The manipulator controls the victim's social circle and interests.

If you have experienced domestic violence or violence from another person, you should never blame yourself for what happened. Remember: the longer the pressure, the more the psyche is destroyed. In some cases, the consequences may be irreversible. You need to solve the problem in stages:

The first step is awareness: the victim must understand that the guilt and anxiety are imposed by the manipulator.
The second step is to seek support. A depressed person needs understanding and sympathy.
The third is a new life. The victim of violence must minimize communication with the tyrant. If this is not possible, then you need to look at the world from a new angle. A series of meditations and hypnotic procedures will make the mind closed to manipulation.

These are ways to prevent pressure from outside. There are cases when the rapist and the victim are the same person. If you feel depressed, and there are all signs of psychological violence against yourself, it is best to contact for. The specialist will figure out what the reasons for this behavior are and help fix the problem.

Types of psychological abuse

Research is based on a scale of conflict tactics. It divides emotional abuse into 20 varieties. They are grouped into three groups according to common features:

dominant behavior;
jealous behavior;
verbal aggression.

In addition to these categories, the manifestations of psychological pressure include actions that entail a change in human self-consciousness. These include threats, pet killing, gaslighting, intimidation, destruction of personal items, etc.

Modern science does not consider a single incident as moral violence, since the phenomenon, by definition, is systematic. It can be intentional or unconscious.

Most often, close people influence the consciousness of a person. Children are influenced by their parents and each other. Moral pressure in the family is found everywhere, and its consequences can be eliminated for years.

Causes of emotional abuse in the family

Psychological pressure of family members on each other can arise due to a number of factors. Sometimes one of them becomes the catalyst, and sometimes a combination. The reasons may be:

mental disorder. Sociopathy, narcissism, schizophrenia and other deviations can push a person to commit manipulations over loved ones;
cowardice. People with this quality often assert themselves at the expense of others, through humiliation and bullying;
lack of communication. A person who is unable to clearly express his thoughts breaks down on his interlocutors;
lack of self-realization. People who have not found themselves in life will strive for power within the family;
past experience. One spouse who has experienced a painful relationship may unknowingly become a manipulator.

The psychology of the rapist is such that a few violent actions, successfully performed, will strengthen in his mind the idea of \u200b\u200bhis own superiority, which will be difficult to eliminate. If you notice that one of your family members is a manipulator, talk to him. Sometimes a person himself is aware of the problem, but cannot cope with it alone. In this case, you need to contact a specialist, for example, a psychologist-hypnologist Baturin Nikita Valerievich.

The main signs of psychological violence in the family

All signs can be divided into three large groups (forms): dominant behavior, verbal emotional aggression, and others. Each form of violence manifests itself differently. Signs of dominant behavior (on the example of a male manipulator):

surveillance. It starts with browsing the phone book, mail or messages in social networks. In especially serious cases, it develops into round-the-clock monitoring of every action of the victim;
communication ban. The manipulator begins to put pressure on the victim, depriving her of the opportunity to contact colleagues, friends and even relatives;
permanent presence. A man strives not to leave his chosen one for a minute. At the same time, he can be silent or pretend that he is busy with business;
transfer of duties. Not to be confused with gigolos, as they fall in love with a woman for the sake of obtaining material benefits, and, accordingly, treat her well. This is also manipulation, but it is not violence. Men who shift duties to women behave rudely and defiantly, causing a constant feeling of guilt in the victim;
limitation of duties. The complete opposite of the previous point. In this case, the manipulator becomes a tyrant, forbidding the victim to do their own thing. Such a woman to stay at home and minimize communication with the outside world.

Signs of verbal emotional aggression:

Contempt. Manifested in mockery of the appearance, activities, hobbies and religious beliefs of the victim.
Criticism. We are talking about a biased assessment of the actions and deeds of a woman. These can be caustic remarks about mental abilities, figures, etc. The statement is often accompanied by insults.
Humiliation. Communication only through insults, in any, even everyday situations.
Despotism. It is expressed in the arrogant behavior of the manipulator, who, instead of requests, utters only instructions.
Threats. Verbal intimidation often involves children, close relatives, or simply important things for the victim. The manipulator threatens to harm them, sometimes threatening to commit suicide.

Psychological violence in the family against a woman, the signs of which belong to the third group (others):

self-praise. A man objectively or non-objectively exalts himself over his wife;
need for admiration. The manipulator deliberately flatters the victim in order to get the same praise in his address;
oppression. Manifested in the provocation of guilt in the victim;
pressure. The manipulator does everything so that the woman begins to worry and: lies, withholds information, is hypocritical, etc.

Remember that a single instance of the manifestation of a symptom is not psychological abuse of a man or woman. You can talk about emotional pressure if it manifests itself for a long time.

The mechanism of development of psychological violence in the family

Such a phenomenon may go unnoticed for a long time. The initial stage may not be noticed by either the victim or even the rapist himself. This is especially true for young couples who at first live under the influence of strong emotions. After the end of the romantic period, subtle reproaches against each other begin. They can be the starting point for the development of psychological violence, which will progress in stages:

Increasing accusations against a partner. The rapist will reproach the victim for doing everything wrong. If such actions are not resisted, the manipulator will perform them until the partner's self-esteem changes for the worse.
Active suppression of personality. From accusations to serious statements that will make the victim feel like a complete nonentity and at the same time feel guilty for every action. The partner will be depressed, depressed and defeated, but he will look for the reason only in himself, driving himself more and more into an emotional dead end.
At this stage, the victim is firmly convinced that she has failed as a person and as a partner.
Scrapped. The final stage, which can last throughout the life of the family. The victim is completely disoriented and unable to soberly assess their own actions, she is completely subordinate to the manipulator.

Manipulation in the family, psychological violence in the interaction of people and other emotional pressure contributes to the development of mental disorders. And mental diseases, in turn, provoke physical ones. An oppressed person can “drown” problems in alcohol, drown them with drugs, or suppress emotional physical pain (cutting, beating himself).

In extreme cases, a depressed person may attempt suicide.

Table of humiliation: problems of psychological pressure in the family

Not always the rapist is to blame for the fact that he humiliates a partner. If you look at the stories of the victims, then in almost every one of them there will be a moment when she lost sight of the “alarm bell”. Sometimes people in life play the role of a victim - this may be due to early mental trauma or experienced shocks. It appears as follows:

the role of a martyr. She is taken over by a "rapist's rapist" who capitalizes on a toxic relationship by drawing sympathy from close or unfamiliar people;
sacrificial role after the experience. It manifests itself in those who had a similar experience in childhood or in previous relationships;
saving role. The victim wants to save the tyrant from the dangers (gambling addiction, drug addiction, joining a sect, etc.).

If the victim meets a tyrant at a critical moment in life (loss of a loved one, loss of a job, accident), and he takes her out of a depressed state for a while, she can ignore violence against herself for a long time. This is due to the fact that the manipulator in her mind will be associated with positive emotions.

Features of confronting emotional violence in the family: how to prevent it

It is quite easy to prevent the phenomenon in the first stages. If the perpetrator is rebuffed, he reflects on his actions and can change the pattern of behavior. The confrontation can be started with:

self-perception. If the inner "I" is constantly in a depressed state, you need to think;
direct conversation. At the first stage, when the partner is just starting to show dominant (or other) behavior, you can ask the question “on the forehead”: why does he do this;
objective assessment of reality. It is necessary to analyze the accusations of the partner and draw conclusions about how well they are argued;
control over the situation. Tyrannical behavior cannot be left to chance; it will not evaporate. It is better to wait until the partner is in a good mood and talk with him about the problem;
demonstrating their positive qualities. A spouse who is prone to manipulation in the family and psychological violence needs to be reminded of how much good is in his soul mate. He must feel a person next to him.

What types of psychological abuse do you know? Can you say with confidence that you are not pressured by loved ones? In any case, remember that events develop gradually and very often unnoticed by the victim and the rapist himself. The consequences of such actions can be inevitable. If you encounter this phenomenon, remember that you can always seek help from

Violence in family there is an actual act or threat of physical, sexual, psychological or economic abuse and abuse by one person towards another with whom the person has or has had an intimate or other significant relationship.

Characteristics of Domestic Violence (Relationships) :

With each subsequent time, the frequency of repetition and the degree of cruelty of violence increase.
Violence and abusive behavior alternate with promises to change and apologies from the offender (or no promises at all).
When you try to break off relations, there is an increase in danger for the “victim”.
Domestic violence occurs in all strata and categories of the population, regardless of class, racial, cultural, religious, socio-economic aspects, and is also possible in families of heterosexuals, as well as gays and lesbians.

What are the types of violence?

Physical violence.

Pushes.
Causes pain through slaps, kicks, and punches.
Puts her (wife) at risk, such as not being careful when driving.
Throws objects.
Threatens with a weapon or injures.
Physically prevents her from leaving the house.
Outside closes it indoors.
Leaves her in dangerous places.
Refuses to help when she is sick, injured, or pregnant.
Prevents when trying to seek medical help.
Doesn't let you sleep at night.
Refuses to buy food and other items necessary for the family.
Ruins her property.
Insults children.
Threatens to harm her relatives or friends.

Sexual abuse.

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Treats his wife like a sex object.
Refrains from sex and does not show tender feelings.
Makes her undress against her will.
Commits sexual intercourse with particular cruelty.
Forces her to have sexual intercourse against her will, rapes her.
Forces sexual intercourse after being beaten.
Shows extreme jealousy and accuses her of having an affair with someone.
Forces you to watch and/or repeat pornographic acts.

Emotional psychological abuse.

Constantly criticizes, yells at and/or offends her (for example, saying that she is too fat, skinny, stupid; a very bad mother, partner, lover).
Ignores her feelings.
Ridicules her beliefs.
As punishment, he ignores her tender feelings.
Refuses to work and contribute to the family budget.
Forbids her to go to work.
Manipulates her, using lies and disagreement.
Offends her relatives and friends in order to drive them away.
Refuses to go out with her.
Prevents her from maintaining relationships with relatives and friends.
Don't let her use her phone.
Controls the family budget and single-handedly makes financial decisions.
Humiliates her in public.
He follows her at work.
Threatens to leave or kick her out of the house.
Threatens to kidnap children.
Punishes children or does not allow her to children.

economic violence.

Attempts by one adult family member to deprive another of the opportunity to manage the family budget, to have funds and the right to dispose of them at their own discretion, economic pressure on minor children.

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If you found at least four matches from the above points, you should think about whether you live with the right person and is it even possible for you to have a future? In this case, to check your doubts, you have the opportunity to visit the site site.

After all, very often, which especially happens with women, we cannot see the whole picture of the relationship, the feelings of love or falling in love that you experience from six months to a year prevent you from realizing what kind of relationship you are in. You see only your feelings and your attitude towards a person. And not docking the relationship of a partner (husband or young man) to you is perceived as grinding to each other. I will tell you seriously, in the above-mentioned period of relations, quarrels should not arise at all. If a person really likes you, he will not find fault, just like you do to him. Grievances and quarrels during this period are an exception. If your friends or relatives are watching the opposite picture, then maybe you will find something similar to your relationship in the diagram below? And draw your own conclusions.

Diagram of psychological abuse.

Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is characterized by a multi-stage psychological process that neither the victim nor the aggressor may be aware of. Why? Because the victim is absorbed in his feelings for his partner, and for the aggressor such a scheme of manipulation is very familiar and not conscious (because elements of this scheme are present or were present in the relations of his family).

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It all starts with massive attacks on the sense of one's own identity (you do not behave like a woman (man), you are a bad specialist) and ends with what is called "replacement of beliefs."

In fact, the further development of events will be similar to a "run" of humiliation and sometimes physical violence.

Effects:

neurotic partner;
disorientation in oneself and in relationships (the partner loses the meaning of life);
a feeling of despair sets in when a person is especially in dire need of support and is ready to grasp at any straw, to believe in anything and anyone.

1. Attack on Identity: You are not what you think you are!
Getting into such a relationship, you are subjected to humiliation by your loved one, aimed at suppressing his self-esteem. This can be expressed in constant dissatisfaction on the part of the “beloved”, constant nit-picking and accusations that something was done wrong. If you notice this sign in your relationship, you should visit the site site!

This pressure is acutely perceived by you, especially during the period of falling in love. Because it is when you are in love that you are most susceptible to change for the sake of your partner. And you do everything in order to please him, or to make him feel good. Being under such attacks for weeks and months (usually up to 5-6 months), they try to bring you to a state of complete exhaustion, loss and disorientation. At this stage, your beliefs about yourself (yourself) become less solid. You gradually lose the ability to think critically and independently. Self-esteem decreases, those patterns or roles that were "hung" by an aggressor partner are taken by you at face value.

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2. Imposing a sense of guilt: feel like a "complete insignificance."
After an identity crisis is formed, you begin to develop an all-consuming sense of guilt. This process can go simultaneously with the first paragraph. For example, a partner begins to blame you for something while questioning your professionalism or other qualities.

The aggressor partner will gradually, consistently, and relentlessly attack you for any "sin" (large or small) you have committed. You are criticized for literally everything, for example, that you served the soup not hot enough. Your consciousness is gradually filled with an all-consuming feeling of guilt: everything you do is bad. Guilt is insidious, because in the later stages it is difficult to work with it, before it's too late, you can write to the psychologist on the site and site. They will help you navigate the next steps with your partner.

3. Betrayal itself: agree that you are "complete insignificance"!
After you are completely disoriented and consumed with guilt, the aggressor partner forces you (by physical threats or just verbally) to disown your families, friends, loved ones. This is done in order to deprive you of any psychological support. If you don’t have it, then the only person who will replace this “help” for you will be your aggressor partner.

There is one detail : renouncing your friends and loved ones, you are well aware that you are acting vilely towards them. This further increases your feelings of guilt and shame. The sense of one's own identity, which is already severely undermined, is fading away. You begin to understand that you need help right now, you need someone who could listen, and this person turns out to be the tyrant himself, who will only blame you for what he did. Try not to give in to your desire to talk to him about your feelings, because the aggressor partner will always use this against you. With the possibility of access to the Internet, on the site site

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4. Breaking point: who am I, where am I, what should I do?

Very many women, turning to the site Vashe-Soznani.ru, very often complain that they do not know where to find themselves, how to start enjoying life again. To the question, what is your relationship with your husband? Very often you can hear the answer that the relationship with her husband has long come to naught, or constant scandals “reign” in the house. It is not surprising that experiencing an identity crisis, a deep sense of guilt and shame, hopelessness, betraying everything you believed in, being subjected to a marathon of humiliation, you reach complete nervous exhaustion. A series of nervous breakdowns sets in. They can be expressed in uncontrollable sobbing, deep depression and complete disorientation. You can stop tracking reality and experience a feeling of complete loneliness and loss.

When you have reached the breaking point, your sense of identity is already quite ready to be "captured" by someone else. You do not have a clear understanding - what is happening to you? At this moment, the aggressor partner can easily inspire you how to live according to his laws. And by the way, you will live his life.

But you can’t get away from inner anxiety, the feeling that life has become not life at all, but a hell inside, will constantly haunt you. At this moment, you need urgent psychological help, which we can provide you and gradually extricate from the power of relationships that do not suit you.

This is just a diagram of the behavior of the manipulator. This does not mean that in real relationships everything is exactly the same. This means that periods of psychological attacks on you will be replaced by short periods of "love and affection." During such “affectionate periods”, a partner can behave towards you very well, treat you affectionately and fulfill your desires (of course, in exchange for his own, but later). For you, these periods of "caress" will seem simply magical and huge. This is usually what keeps you from leaving your partner. After all, he can be good!

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As a result, you begin to experience incomprehensible states, their ebb and flow. It's like you're experiencing ongoing pain and guilt from identity attacks (I'm bad and stupid) giving way to unexpected relief from indulgence.

After weeks and months of psychological attacks, confusion, nervous breakdowns and periods of condescension, guilt and shame lose all meaning - you are not sure that you did something wrong - you just feel "wrong". And your partner is playing out his role, he may later point out to you that you are mentally insane, will force you to go to the doctors.

Thus, being a perfectly healthy person, both mentally and physically, you turn into a disabled person.

To become, it would seem, produces a depressing effect. And many of you who got to it think that this is not about them and much of what was described above is simply not confirmed by their reality. I will answer, yes, perhaps everything is “normal” with you now, but such a pattern of behavior of your partner and your reactions is not an every-minute process. You may not notice changes in yourself until years later.

My mission is to warn you and to provide you with psychological help at the stage of psychological humiliation at which you find yourself.

Most often, they do not pay attention to the emotional aspect, violence without the use of physical force is not considered violence, it is customary to endure it, they are used to enduring it, and quite often it is considered such a small disadvantage that can and should be ignored.

In fact, in most cases, nothing destroys your self-confidence and self-esteem like constant psychological pressure. Unlike physical abuse, emotional abuse is not easy to recognize, even for those involved in such a relationship. Psychological abuse can be used by both men and women in the same way and can be manifested in any relationship, be it between parent and child, friends or relatives.

As a rule, people who use this type of manipulation were severely traumatized emotionally in childhood, perhaps the same model of relationships was also adopted in their families or physical abuse was present. And they carry all their unspoken anger, pain, fear and powerlessness through their whole lives, trying to throw it all out on another person, sometimes not even realizing what they are doing.

Often, even the victim himself does not realize the full extent of the disaster, justifying such behavior by stress or the bad mood of a domestic tyrant. Constant humiliation or intimidation can lead such a person to severe depression, anxiety disorder or stress disorder.

Test yourself, look at these 30 facts and apply them to your relationship: Is your partner emotionally abusing you?

How to determine that your partner is an emotional tyrant?

He puts you down, criticizes your actions, and takes pleasure in situations where you don't look your best in front of other people.
He is derisive or ignorant of your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
He regularly ridicules or teases you to make you feel bad about yourself.
He assures you that these are not his offensive remarks, but that you are overreacting.
He tries to control you or treats you like a child.
He shames you and reprimands you for your actions.
He insists that you consult with him or ask his permission about making any of your decisions, even if it's just a trip to the store.
He tries to control your finances and how you spend your money.
It humiliates your achievements, merit and dreams.
He is trying to make you feel like you are always wrong about everything.
He looks at you contemptuously or uses contemptuous gestures towards you.
He regularly points out your shortcomings and mistakes.
He accuses you of things you didn't do.
He is incapable of laughing at himself and reacts painfully if anyone makes fun of him.
He is intolerant of any behavior that seems disrespectful to him.
He justifies his behavior by trying to blame others and cannot apologize if he was wrong.
He does not recognize your personal space and ignores your requests.
He blames you for his problems and misfortunes.
He gives you unflattering "grades", calling you names and humiliating you
He is emotionally distant and closed most of the time.
He takes offense all the time to get what he wants.
He does not sympathize with you and does not sympathize in difficult times.
He pretends to be a victim and shifts his guilt onto you, relieving himself of responsibility.
He ignores you to make you feel guilty.
He does not notice that he hurt your feelings.
He does not see you as a person, but considers you a part of himself (or his property).
He uses sex as a way to control you.
He tells other people too personal information about you.
He denies his abusive behavior.
He uses threats all the time to control you.

What to do if you are being emotionally abused?

For a person who has been subjected to this type of violence, it is sometimes very difficult to admit the very fact that another person deliberately hurts him, humiliating his dignity. Therefore, the very first step should be the realization that such behavior within relationships is not the norm, it cannot be justified by a bad mood, problems at work, character, etc. Something can and should be done about this before it leads to truly tragic consequences: illness, emotional trauma or depression.

As a rule, it is impossible to change the emotional "rapist", such people get pleasure and a sense of power from their actions.

If your abuser is not interested in changing and changing his attitude towards you, and you are unable to end such a relationship, here are some behaviors that you can use to improve your situation:

Take care of yourself and your interests. Stop pushing your desires and needs into the background to please your offender, even if he pretends to be offended by you.
Set boundaries. Explain to your abuser that he can no longer humiliate you, yell at you, or insult you with impunity. He must know that in the event of such behavior on his part, you will not tolerate (leave the room, stop talking or go to friends or relatives).
Don't support the dispute. If you see that a quarrel is starting, do not support it, do not make excuses, do not prove your case. Sometimes it's better to shut up and walk away.
Realize that you cannot change a person. Even if you really want it, you cannot change your offender. You will only feel grief from your defeats.
It is not your fault. It may seem to you that you are really to blame for all the troubles. But it's not. Just understand that it is to your abuser's advantage that you think so. By acknowledging this, you will take your first step towards regaining your self-esteem.
Find support. Try to spend more time with friends and loved ones, with those who love and appreciate you. Don't dwell on your abuser. This will help you get rid of the constant feeling of loneliness.
Spare exit. You have to understand if you want to be in such a relationship all the time. Do you want your children to grow up in such an atmosphere. If your answer is no, look for an emergency exit. If you cannot end such a relationship right now, consider what conditions are needed for you to leave. And create them. Even if it takes a long time.

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When we hear the word "violence", we first of all imagine an aggressive person using force on a weaker one. However, violence can manifest itself not only in the form of physical aggression, but also in the form of psychological pressure and coercion. And many psychologists are sure that emotional and verbal violence is much more dangerous for a person than physical, since it does not cripple the body, but the psyche and. A person who is regularly subjected to psychological violence gradually loses confidence in himself and his "I" and begins to live with the desires and attitudes of the aggressor, making efforts to achieve his goals.

Signs and types of psychological abuse

Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is not always obvious, since it can manifest itself not only in the form of screaming, swearing and insults, but also in the form of subtle manipulation of a person’s emotions and feelings. In most cases, the goal of the one who uses psychological violence is to force the victim to change their behavior, opinion, decision and act as the aggressor-manipulator wants. However, it should be noted that there is a separate category of people who use psychological violence and pressure in order to morally break the victim and make her completely dependent on their will. To achieve their goal, the aggressors use the following types of psychological violence:

Protection from psychological abuse

Psychological pressure is easiest for people who do not have strong personal boundaries and do not know how to defend their own rights. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from psychological violence, you must first of all, designating for yourself your rights and obligations in each of the spheres of life. Next, you need to act according to the situation, depending on what type of psychological violence the aggressor uses.

Opposition to the lover to command

When faced with a commanding and ordering person, two questions need to be asked: “Am I obligated to follow this person’s orders?” and "What happens if I don't do what he wants?" If the answers to these questions are “No” and “Nothing bad for me,” then the self-proclaimed commander should be put in his place with something like this: “Why are you telling me what to do? It is not my duty to carry out your orders." Further orders and commands should simply be ignored.

Practical example: Employees A and B work in the same office in the same positions. Employee A regularly transfers part of his duties to employee B, without providing any counter services in return. In this case, the opposition to the aggressor will look like this:

A: You are just printing out something, well, print out my report, and then put it in a folder and take it to the accounting department.

B: Do I work here as your secretary? It is not my job to print your documents and deliver them anywhere. I've got a lot of work to do, so take care of your report yourself and don't distract me, please.

Protection from verbal aggression

The goal is to make the victim embarrassed, upset, stressed, start making excuses, etc. Therefore, the best defense against verbal aggression is not to live up to the aggressor's expectations and react in a completely different way from what he expects: to joke, remain indifferent or feel sorry for the offender. Also, an effective way to protect against such psychological violence is the method of "psychological aikido" developed by the famous psychologist M. Litvak. The essence of this method is to apply depreciation in any conflict situations - smoothing out the conflict by agreeing with all the statements of the aggressor (as a psychiatrist agrees with everything that the patient tells him).

Practical example: The husband calls names and tries to humiliate his wife every time he is in a bad mood. Protection from psychological abuse in this case may be as follows:

M: You don't know anything at all! You are a disgusting hostess, you can’t even clean the house properly, there’s a feather lying around under the sofa!

Zh: Yes, I'm so clumsy, it's so hard for you with me! Surely you know how to clean better than me, so I will be grateful if you help me clean the house next time.

Confronting Ignorance

It is important to remember that intentional ignoring is always manipulation, so you should not give in to the pressure of the manipulator and try to appease him so that he changes his anger into mercy. A person who is inclined to be constantly offended and “turn on the ignore” in response to any actions that do not suit him, needs to be made clear that playing silent is his right, but he will not achieve anything with his behavior.

Practical example: Two sisters live in the same apartment separately from their parents. The younger sister (M) has been used to manipulating her older sister (C) since childhood. In cases where M does not like something, she begins to deliberately ignore C and triple her boycott. Countering psychological pressure in such cases is as follows:

S: I'm leaving in a week for a business trip for two months.

S: This business trip is important for my career. And nothing will happen to you in these two months. You are not a small child - you will find something to entertain yourself with.

M: Does that mean? Then you're not my sister anymore and I'm not talking to you!

Confronting the psychological pressure of duty or guilt

Strong personal boundaries are a reliable defense against the pressure of feelings of guilt and duty. Knowing the boundaries of his rights and duties, a person can always determine what is not included in his duties. And if a person notices that his boundaries are being violated, he should directly inform the aggressor about the limits of his responsibility and duties and make it clear that the manipulation has failed.

Practical example: A single mother (M) is trying to forbid her adult daughter from leaving to work in another city, putting pressure on her sense of duty. The response in this case could be:

M: How can you leave me alone? I raised you, raised you, and now you want to leave? Children should be a support for parents in old age, and you are leaving me!

D: I'm not leaving you - I'll call you, come to visit and help you with money. Or do you want me to lose the opportunity to get a high-paying job and not be able to fulfill my dreams?

M: What are you talking about? Of course, I want the best for you, but I will feel bad without you!

D: Mom, you are an adult, and I believe that you can find many interesting activities for yourself. I promise that I will call you regularly and visit you often.

Confronting bullying

Hearing from a friend, relative or colleague phrases with the meaning "if you do not do something, then misfortune will happen in your life" or "if you do not change your behavior, then I will do something bad for you", you need to ask yourself a question whether the threat is real. In the case where intimidation or threats have no real basis, the blackmailer can be invited to bring his threat to life right now. If your life, health or well-being and you are sure that he can fulfill the threat, then it is best to record his words on a voice recorder or video camera and then contact the police.

Practical example: Employee A has not fulfilled his part of the project and is trying to intimidate employee B to do his job. To resist pressure in such cases, you can do this:

A: Why are you going to leave if the work on the project is not finished yet? If we don't finish today, your boss will fire you. Do you want to be unemployed?

B: I have done my part of the work. I don't think I'll get fired for not doing your job.

A: The boss doesn't care who does what. He wants a result. So help me if you don't want to be kicked out.

Q: Do you think? Why wait until tomorrow? Let's go to the boss right now and ask him to fire me for refusing to do your part of the job.

Many people are aware that psychological violence is used against them, but they do not dare to fight back for fear of spoiling relations with someone who likes to command, manipulate or insult. In such cases, you need to decide for yourself what exactly such relationships are valuable for and whether it is better not to communicate with an aggressive person at all than to regularly endure his insults and act to your detriment, succumbing to his blackmail and manipulation.

Chapter 4

Mental (emotional) abuse
4.1. Definition of mental abuse
Mental abuse is probably the most common form of child abuse, but defining this form of abuse, distinguishing it as an independent type of abuse in the presence of other forms of abuse (physical or sexual) presents significant difficulties. Mental abuse should not be seen as a concomitant manifestation of other forms of abuse. On the contrary, the severity of the consequences associated with it gives reason to consider mental abuse as the main mechanism that disrupts the mental development of the child and his social functioning in most cases of child abuse.

The main long-term consequences of mental violence are intellectual retardation, violation of the child's attachments. This limits his ability to establish emotionally close relationships with adults and peers, and distorts socialization (1). Many children who were subjected to mental abuse at an early age become victims of other forms of abuse later on. One of the reasons for such a dysfunctional development of parent-child relationships is the lack of parental attachment to the child, which eliminates internal restraints that exclude the possibility of perceiving the child as an object of satisfying sexual desire or responding to one's own negative emotions through physical violence.

The persistence of the consequences of mental or emotional abuse of children is of particular importance because it underlies the process of “social inheritance” of abuse (children affected by this form of abuse tend to grow up to be ineffective parents who abuse or neglect their own children). needs). The widespread prevalence of mental violence, the liberal attitude towards many of its manifestations in society, makes it difficult to identify dysfunctional families and children who have suffered from this form of abuse, as well as providing them with the necessary assistance in a timely manner.

Mental (emotional abuse) is episodic or regular insults or humiliation of a child, threatening him, demonstrating a negative attitude or rejection, which lead to emotional or behavioral disorders. Mental abuse would also be a single exposure to severe mental trauma resulting in an acute stress reaction or post-traumatic stress disorder; as well as cases of repeated exposure to less severe mental trauma, resulting in an adjustment disorder  .

A similar definition of mental violence is given by T.Ya. Safonova (2). “Emotional (psychological) violence is understood as a single or chronic mental impact on a child, a hostile or indifferent attitude, as well as other behavior of parents and persons replacing them, which causes a violation of self-esteem in a child, loss of self-confidence, hinders his development and socialization” . Some authors share mental and emotional abuse. So N.O. Zinoviev and N.F. Mikhailova, emotional abuse of a child is understood as “any action that causes a state of emotional stress in a child, endangering the age-related development of his emotional life” (3); and under psychological violence - "committing an act in relation to a child that hinders or harms the development of his potential abilities" (4). A similar position is taken by R. Soonets et al. (5). With the opinion of these authors that emotional and mental abuse are different types of child abuse, since emotional abuse harms the emotional development of the child, and mental abuse harms the mental development of the child, one can hardly agree, since the emotional development of the child is only part of his mental development .

Larry and Stefano (6) defined emotional abuse as a violation of the intellectual and emotional well-being of the child, limiting his social adaptation. However, they note that emotional disturbances are the result of any form of abuse, and not just mental abuse. In this definition, the main focus is on the consequences of mental abuse, which are not specific, which makes it difficult to differentiate this type of abuse from other forms of abuse. Thus, Lari and Stefano consider psychic trauma as a universal mechanism for distorting a child's mental development in all forms of child abuse.

Other researchers (7) note the difficulty of developing an adequate definition of mental violence and suggest understanding it as verbal aggression. Mental abuse is not limited to verbal aggression, it can be expressed in emotional rejection, committing violence against significant adults in front of a child, etc. In addition, the proposed definition does not describe the consequences of mental abuse, which makes it difficult to differentiate this form of abuse from adequate pedagogical and disciplinary action.

It is equally difficult to distinguish between mental abuse and neglect of a child's basic needs, which includes emotional rejection. The neglect of the basic needs of the child should be discussed in cases where parents are inactive, do not provide the child with the necessary emotional support, do not pay due attention to his mental development, but do so out of negligence and do not strive to achieve certain educational goals. Mental abuse is always carried out with direct intent, the goal of parents is to punish or change the behavior of the child by causing him mental suffering.

4.2. The prevalence of mental abuse.
In those countries where a differentiated registration of individual forms of child abuse is carried out, the proportion of mental violence is relatively small. Thus, in the US, mental abuse accounts for 17%, and in the UK - 1.5% of the total number of reported cases of child abuse. The experience of practical assistance to child victims of abuse indicates a much wider prevalence of mental abuse, which, moreover, is an integral part of other forms of child abuse. Its low detectability is obviously associated with the difficulties of diagnosis and incomplete registration. If the diagnosis is guided by the adverse effects of mental violence, then the following difficulty inevitably arises. Immediately after a mental trauma, the child's condition is determined by an acute reaction to stress. Intellectual and emotional disturbances specific to mental abuse occur some time after the trauma, so they are absent if the child came to the attention of specialists immediately after it was received.

Recognizing the high prevalence of mental violence, one cannot agree with the statement cited by I.A. Alekseeva and I.G. Novoselsky, “psychological (emotional) violence is so common that we can say with confidence: not a single person grows up without experiencing, directly or indirectly, any of its manifestations” (8). With such a wide distribution of mental violence, it should be considered as a norm, and not as deviant behavior. This approach indicates a broader understanding of mental abuse, which is seen as any form of negative assessment of a child by an adult. The basis for the diagnosis of mental violence, in our opinion, should be the consequences of negative psychological impact, and not its nature, intensity or duration.