Interesting stories from the work of a surgeon. Real funny stories in medicine. United
The hero of this story works as a dentist. And somehow a girl came to see him - to remove a tooth. The tooth was safely removed and the doctor suggested that the girl sit until the gums stop bleeding. Usually, the blood stops after 20 minutes, but in this case the blood did not stop even after 40, and this servant of Hippocrates went to the senior doctor to consult what to do. He says - ask the girl, does she accidentally menstruate? Maybe she should be injected with some kind of coagulant to make the blood clot better? Well, the doctor comes up to the girl and quietly asks:
"Excuse me, girl, are you by any chance menstruating?"
To which this frame replies, after a little thought: "No. But I'm busy in the evening."
I want to tell a story that happened to my brother, who worked as a dentist after graduation. A woman came to him to extract a tooth. The brother gave an injection of painkillers and began to pull the tooth. The woman is hurt, he gave another injection, the woman is hurt. He put another one, the woman still hurts. There have been no such cases yet. He tells her: "Woman, it doesn't hurt you, you just don't like it." Removed her tooth. The woman left, after which it dawned on him that he put injections in the lower jaw, and the tooth was removed from the upper.
Sent by Larisa
My doctor friend told me the story. I speak on his behalf. After graduating from the institute, I went through practice in intensive care. And then one day in the spring they bring a guy - a victim of unhappy love. I must say, in the spring such idiots are simply brought to hospitals in batches, hormones are raging. That boy was poisoned by something, but not completely. They pumped him out, made a dropper, and he lies. And since all this time he was yelling that he would not live without her, that he would kill himself, they tied him to the bed with straps.
Since everything is in order with the boy, it is necessary to transport him from the intensive care unit, which I was instructed to do. I take him with a dropper, but he does not calm down, he yells. I got a little tired of it, and I decided to pin it.
- Oh, so, - I say, - if you don't want to live, well, you don't have to, you will be an organ donor. And I disconnect his drip. The action is harmless, but the effect is produced by one more. And I'm taking it further. He quieted down. I go to the elevator. And I must say that it was possible to carry it in two ways: on top, and through the basement, where the morgue is. So, I go into the elevator, they ask me where:
- Upstairs, or to the morgue?
I say: - To the morgue. The boy turns white and starts mumbling something about killer doctors. When they got to the bottom, he began to yell at the top of his voice:
- Save, help, kill! And everyone sees that the man, obviously not himself, is fastened to the bed with straps, and they don’t pay any attention to this, someone reassures:
- It doesn't hurt, be patient, once - and it's ready ... The boy understands that this is clearly a universal conspiracy, remembers all the films where organs are cut out from people and falls into complete prostration ...
When we got to the ward, it became scary to look at him, he was lying all white, submissive to fate. He didn't try to kill himself again, shock therapy, you know...
(From Ilya Kureev)
Notes on pieces of paper made by employees of the helpline:
... the woman is really bad, but she doesn't want to hang herself...
...ran away from home 3 days ago. Now he lives on a collective farm. His friend, during a conversation, mumbled, depicting the atmosphere of a village, well, or a collective farm ...
...added 21+22 minutes 3 and with my hint got somewhere 32 or 37...
... if someone offends me with their behavior, then I immediately freak out - I throw sticks, bricks, I can break my arm. Small circle of friends...
...I cried all night. Please advise why...
... the wife called, problems with her husband. He does not pay attention to her at all: how she is dressed, whether the house is cleaned or not, she can scratch her heel in front of guests ...
...is afraid of ghosts, so I drank 200 g of vodka...
...tried to explain family problems mathematically. He is X, his wife is Y. They have different poles and when he wants to kiss her, lightning appears. He asked us to solve his problem as a team...
... is on a psycho-account. Interested in what naked women are made of ...
... she injects cocaine
... (at night) we agreed that by 3 o'clock in the morning a person is very tired and goes to sleep
... the hysterical girl kept trying to convince me that she was crazy and that it was time for her to go to a psychiatric hospital. Convinced.
...boys and girls beat me. Oh my mom is here...
... sons aged 17 and 22 smoke cannabis. AHA! Psychiatry has a future...
Stupidity of students, a whole book, collected by prof. Syropyatov head of department PAT.ANA PHFA. The humor is highly specialized, but I chose something:
1. Women differ from each other by gender.
2. Flashing flies before the eyes.
3. Development of the theory of stress leads to the development peptic ulcer stomach.
4. Two tablets intravenously.
5. Inflammation is caused by chemical factors, including radiation and ultraviolet.
6. Only 5% of patients survive lung cancer treatment.
7. In the 3rd stage of chronic heart failure, a person is in a horizontal position in anticipation of a heart attack.
8. Nausea - desire to remove food from the stomach.
9. A major epileptic seizure begins imperceptibly: the patient bends, his tongue pops out.
10. In acute lymphogranulomatosis, the prognosis is favorable: patients live up to a year.
11. Patients with schizophrenia can be found even among candidates of sciences.
12. Biological death is everything: well... 3.14 here.
13. Without food, a person can live 50-60 days, well, at least up to a month.
14. Erythrocytes have a convex shape, which is why they are called biconcave.
15. Hemophilia is manifested in men by nasal and uterine bleeding.
16. Static work is work that is done without physical exertion, i.e. at rest.
17. An example of inhibition in the nervous system: For example, you want to buy something, but there is no money, and if there was no inhibition, then the desire to buy would be preserved for a very long time.
18. The presence of vasomotor nerves was proved by Claude Bernard, who, in experiments on frogs, found that cutting the nerves in their neck leads to the expansion of blood vessels in the ear of a rabbit.
19. Male uterine development.
20. When a child is born for the first time, he climbs out of the mother's genital tract.
21. An example of an orientation reflex: If a person has fallen, then with the help of this reflex, he immediately recognizes that he is already lying.
22. Diagnosis: Material insufficiency.
23. Claude Bernard cut the sciatic nerve leading to the frog's ear.
24. In young and elderly children, reactivity is increased.
25. Depression is a frightened state of the patient.
26. Muscles are striated, longitudinally striated and longitudinally transverse.
27. Technique for developing a visual reflex: First, light is given, then a blow is applied to the eye.
28. In schizophrenia, degradation and renegacy take hold of a person.
29. People of the thinking type are thoughtful, the first signal system prevails in them, they often ask themselves questions to which they cannot give answers.
30. Women live on average 10 years longer than people.
31. Sexual organs are of different caliber.
32. An example of bone conduction of sound: if a person is hit on the head, he will hear a sound.
33. Diagnosis: Sexual coma.
34. Minute breathing volume is the volume of gases ejected from the body in 1 minute.
35. Profuse cough (There is a concept of profuse diarrhea, compatible - we will get a method of treating colds with purgen).
36. When a nerve cell jumps onto a muscle cell, the paw twitching occurs.
37. The human skeleton, if desired, can be disassembled.
38. Teacher: "Do you understand yourself?" Student: "I've stopped now."
39. Teacher: "What organs are involved in digestion?" Student: "Everything except sex."
40. Diagnosis: Hemorrhagic shock.
41. It is easier to eliminate the sick than to cure.
42. Menopause - the transition from puberty to old age.
43. Ex: "What kind of cholecystitis are you talking about - acute or chronic?" St.: "I don't remember."
44. In a person, in the lower part of the body, the buttocks are located behind, and in front ... the kidneys.
(C) B.Ya.Syropyatov
At the Children's Hospital, the head physician Velm is holding a general hospital meeting. He speaks, he speaks, he speaks. Everyone is bored, but everyone listens. Only head. anesthesiology, Baturin sits and, paying no attention to anyone, makes himself a manicure, i.e. cuts his nails with tweezers (You can be a practical person, etc.) In the silence of the audience - only the monotonous speech of the speaker and no less monotonous methodical clicks. And the latter are heard louder. Velm can't stand it, breaks off and remarks displeasedly:
- Sergei Mikhailovich, could you cut your nails in another place?
To which the anesthesiologist Privalov reacts indifferently from the last row:
- And they don't grow anywhere else!
Barnaul gynecologists told me such a story)))))).
A woman comes to the maternity hospital for an appointment with a gynecologist and lies down in a chair. She pulls on her gloves and approaches the patient, crying out in displeasure, why, they say, she didn’t shave, the birth is coming soon, they already warned her to immediately, and so on. Where is the husband? Yes, he came with me, after all, there is ice, well, he is standing under the door in the corridor, he is worried about the first-born. The gynecologist flies out into the corridor, grabs a man by the sleeve, and drags him into the examination room. This is what it is, she screams, this is why, how do I work in such conditions, and where did you see all this. He replies that he has not seen, and generally sees for the first time. The gynecologist is indignant, they say, if you haven’t seen it, so why are you pointing it out and don’t let us work. To which the man reasonably objects that he sees this woman in the armchair, who lies all over, for the first time in his life. She weakly confirms his testimony that it is unknown who. Aaaaa, the man guesses, you need the one who went out to smoke ... so he, ha ha, will come soon. Pushed, in general, into the corridor
Sent by Vladimir http://www.rubtsovsk.ru/~helpplus
I am from Perm medical academy and I would like to tell you the curious cases that arose at the final state examinations.
The student is given X-ray, which depicts a broken ankle. When she saw this picture, she proudly said: "This is a fracture humerus The professor was surprised and began to ask "leading" questions: he took him by the shoulder and, having palpated, said: "You see, girl, you have one bone in shoulder area, and the picture shows 2", to which the girl said: "There must be two!" ...
The professor shows the student a linguist and asks what kind of instrument it is. She replies: "It's a clamp!". Then the professor asked: why the branches do not close?". To which the student replied: "Factory marriage!"...
The student is shown an irrigogram. The professor asked what was in the picture. To which he received the answer: "X-ray of the stomach with barium." Then the professor asked: "Why, instead of the stomach, the picture shows colon The student replied: "The barium passed bypassing the stomach"...
Question to a student at the exam: "The main symptoms of a pelvic fracture?". Silence. A minute later the answer: "Violation of sexual function!" ...
On the professor's round. The patient is sleeping. A student comes up to her and shakes her with all his might: "Sick, complain, complain, sick!"...
Sent by Boris
Academician Pavlov was a very pious person. Once, in the twenties, while crossing the street, he heard a bell ringing and began to earnestly cross himself ... A ruddy-faced policeman, looking disapprovingly at him, exclaimed: "Oh, grandfather ... And all from ignorance!"
How to exercise correctly so as not to harm yourself
Head exercise
For this exercise, you will need a small head, which can be found between your hands. Lay your head on the floor in front of you. Take it with both hands. On the count of one, we raise our head as high as possible, on the count of two, we lower it. And so 20-25 times.
Exercise privatization
For this exercise, you will need an expander (if you don’t have one, take it from a neighbor), dumbbells (you can get them from another neighbor), a jump rope (you can ask a neighbor girl for it) and a tracksuit that one of your friends will probably have. Now put it all in the closet and mind your own business. These things may come in handy someday.
Plate exercise
A partner is needed for this exercise, your wife is best. The partner stands near the cabinet with dishes, and you give a prearranged signal with a phrase like: You are as stupid as your mother! Quick tilt to the side! Now to another! Bounce! Get down! Did not have time? Do not despair! Move on to the next closet.
www.komar.spb.ru (с) Publishing house "Cross-Media" [email protected]
From letters sent to the journal "Health".
1. I was told that you can get rid of freckles by lowering your face 5-6 cm into the anthill.
2. What should be done to have a correct speech defect?
3. Your magazine does not respond to my call, which I emit for the first time ...
4. For Good work I was awarded a plaque of honor.
5. From childhood to marriage, I did not know what a disease was, it was up and down.
6. I swim in the sexual question on top, as I did not receive knowledge at the institute.
7. I cannot have children. If there are artificial embryos good quality and germinated, is it possible to bring them to the pharmacies of the city of Penza?
8. She insults me with verbal adjectives of a sexual nature.
9. I feel... but bad.
10. Ministry by message...
11. After removing the skull, I went to the doctor ...
12. A year and a half ago, my sexual apparatus stopped working. Now the sexual apparatus is again in a lethargic state...
13. When I was young, I did self-service for a long time, now I am 40 years old, and to married life I'm not fit...
14. How to get rid of snoring: I tried to sleep in a gas mask and applied to the medical unit - it does not help.
Doctor's story.
One evening a strange couple came into my waiting room. a disheveled man with a bottle of beer and a tear-stained lady. Watching them through the half-open door of the office, I decided that in front of me was an ordinary alcoholic and his tortured wife, especially since their dialogue was quite typical.
Get rid of this crap now. - the lady sobbed, can you at least five minutes without it?
- Well, a little more, - the man answered absently, - well, now.
I invited the lady into the office, and she, sobbing incessantly, began to tell.
Doctor, I was told that with the help of psychoanalysis you work miracles. No, you have no idea how terrible it is! My husband used to be a decent person, but now. He does not sleep, does not eat, forgets everything, chases monsters at night. He stopped combing his hair, all he knows is that he smokes endlessly, the apartment is all the time in smoke and in beer bottles. And all the money goes to that. Don't laugh at me, I'm not joking, this is very serious.
I automatically wrote in the card: .Delirium tremens ..
- Do not worry, - I said, - I use very effective methodology developed. Jung. I call keywords, the patient talks about his associations, and I find out what is the reason disease state what is going on in his subconscious. Of course, it's a serious matter. I will test it and treat it. The process is long and difficult.
The lady looked at me hopefully and left. I told the secretary to inform the rest of the sufferers that the appointment for the day was over. And he called the wife of the sad lady, but he did not react in any way. He looked terrible: unkempt hair and beard, a distant look, eyes shining with crazy fire. .Autism., - I wrote down and, with difficulty dragging the poor fellow to the couch, said:
Please tell us about your mother.
- What can I say about her? . suddenly the patient soared, - the whole curve. She's buggy, you bastard, all the time. You won't get any support from her.
Hereditary depressive psychosis, - I wrote in the card.
- Yes, what to take from mom. she is Chinese. -. The patient waved his hand dismissively.
- Chinese? . I was surprised. . You don't seem to be Chinese. What else can you say about her? You do not want, for example, to treat your mother?
- Oh, what I just did not try. Wedge her at the most crucial moment. If I had the chance, I would have changed it a long time ago. It is necessary to take it, - the patient sighed. She hangs, you understand? Work only starts and once hangs.
So, everything is clear with my mother, - I said, writing down: .Suicidal attempts on the part of the mother. How about, hm. your dad?
- How how. There are a lot of dads, only they are all rotten. Yesterday, mom jammed again, climbed to look, and dad on mom was already without a pin.
Oedipus complex, - I wrote in the map.
- Don't you complain about your memory? I asked.
- How would you say. complain. I don't have much sense, of course," he said. Eight meters. Because of this, the monsters run slowly, even uninteresting. What can you offer cheaply?
- Tell me about your monsters. I asked. The patient revived.
- That's just yesterday ... you know, such harmful two-headed lizards were caught, so nothing helps from them. Well, it is clear that the Voodoo doll is good. And the fiery dogs that snoop around everywhere - it’s generally disgusting with them, you yourself know. You will burn. until all health is gone. And different monks go there, some with machine guns, others with shotguns. I jumped out here recently to the square in an invisibility scarf, there are fifteen of them there. Go ahead and shoot. I even felt sorry for them.
And how long have you been shooting these monks? . I asked.
No, just two weeks. Before, the Fritz used to shoot in the basement. I wrote down: . paranoid delusions in an acute stage ... This person could serve study guide in psychiatry. It was absolutely clear that the poor fellow could rave in this way for hours. He needed urgent hospitalization, and simple psychoanalysis clearly could not help. It was a pity for the unfortunate wife who sobbed outside the door. but what to do...
By the way, about the wife. - Tell me, why are you arguing with your wife now? - How because of what? . the patient was surprised. Like everyone else, because of this very thing. He reached into his bag and pulled out his laptop. Turned off, by the way... On the screen one could see the gray walls of the castle and some figures in overalls.
Oh, so you understand computers? . I rejoiced. -. You know, I have a problem here. The patient looked at me suspiciously and asked: - Kettle. whether? - Yes, not a kettle, the kettle works, it is Philips, good. They gave me a computer, but it does not work. I felt that my voice had become obsequious, but I could not help myself. The computer was badly needed. The patient approached my indifferent Pentium, clicked on the keys and said:
It's a serious matter, now I'll test it and I'll treat it. Have a smoke? Will you smoke yourself? - You know, actually I don't smoke, but on this occasion. An hour later, we already switched to you ... We crawled along the carpet among the parts, wires and screwdrivers, and I found that now I understand him perfectly, even if he mumbles indistinctly. An hour later, he asked for something to drink, and I got a beer from the refrigerator that belonged to the guard. Then the beer ran out and we switched to cognac given to me by a previous visitor. At the same time, we decided to try out the computer on the network, connected mine and his and played a little.
I came to my senses only in the evening from a wild cry. On the threshold stood a tearful old woman.
- Doctor, doctor, I'm calling you, but you don't hear, just like him. What did he do to you? It's contagious, right?
- Nothing, - I was surprised, mechanically shaking off the ashes on the carpet, - everything is in order. And your husband is fine. Only then did I look at myself in the mirror. I took off and threw in a corner a long time ago a white bathrobe, remaining in jeans and a cowboy shirt. Beer bottles and cigarette butts lay on the carpet. My jeans were bubbling on my knees, my hair was tangled, my gaze was distant, and my eyes shone with mad fire.
A story from life: Almost unconscious, the wife whispers to her husband in bed: -Take me, take ... -Are you crazy or what? I'm not going anywhere!
... "Chlamydia is a cosmic virus, but this virus is not cosmic, it is Cosmic" (c) From the materials of a doctoral dissertation on Agni Yoga
How diplomacy is practiced in Odessa.
I am telling from the words of one OSMU teacher, the main participant in the events, a doctor at the infectious diseases hospital. The times of the USSR, bourgeois doctors (a professor with students) came to us, something like an exchange of experience. Well, they arrived, they were met, they exchanged experiences, everything was as it should be. Well, they were taken to show the sights ...
And in Odessa, the main attraction is ... what? That's right, Import! They took them to Privoz. When the bourgeoisie saw our tomatoes, they were delighted, they say that they don’t have such large ones (you don’t have to be so happy, it was before Chernobyl) Well, they bought a bucket and let’s immediately flee in joy ... forgetting all the doctor’s recommendations, without washing them and all that. And in Odessa at that time there were several epidemics of cholera ...
So, by the evening, some of the bourgeois began to growl in their stomachs, some began to run from the room to the toilet and back ... Yes, and one of the students was the wife of a professor (this is a fairly common phenomenon among them), so her, according to Murphy's law or who else was screwed there the most. Well, the professor didn’t say anything to any of our luminaries, he treated everyone with some kind of antibiotic of his own. At night, however, the student became very sick (as you know, the most seriously ill patients are brought at night, and certainly on Friday), she was taken to the glorious Odessa infectious diseases hospital, and our today's teacher was on duty there.
Well, he got a call from the KGB (and earlier the entire exchange of experience took place under the paternal tutelage of this organization), they told him what was happening, that they were Americans and all that. He comes to intensive care, enters the ward and ... an oil painting. On the couch lies a former student with a dropper, and next to him, on the FLOOR, on some dirty sheets the professor settled in. Well, of course, our doctor immediately raised a ruckus about how, why, etc.
The nurse who came running explained in a whisper: “I come, I look, a girl is lying, but some gypsy settled down next to her, so I made him a bed ...” In general, they transferred them to the very, very ward, arranged everything as it should, on the next day the student was already on her feet. The bourgeois had to go to Kyiv. They got into the car, in front and behind an honorary escort from the brave police, they drove. Well, our laboratory (which, by the way, was not in the infectious diseases hospital) took for analysis, I beg your pardon, the feces of a student. Well, they began to check for various microbes, including cholera (because, if you remember, there were several epidemics in Odessa then.)
Well, the KGB asked the laboratory what was happening, but since the tests were not yet ready, they said that there were cholera vibrios in the feces ... A little reference - each of us has these very vibrios in the body, only there are pathogenic (causing cholera) and non-pathogenic (safe for us) vibrios. They haven't managed to determine which ones were isolated from the student yet, so they simply said "there are cholera vibrios". The KGB immediately calls Kyiv, telling the local branch that Americans sick with cholera are coming to them (and during the cholera epidemic, entire cities were closed, no one was allowed in or let out). There is a panic in Kyiv, a helicopter is sent by air ambulance to meet the Americans, from a helicopter the authorities give an order to our policemen to take the Americans back to Odessa, and not to let them out of the car on the way (and the Americans were already approaching Kyiv), so that they do not spread the infection.
The whole cortege turns around and goes back. Well, they explained the situation to the Americans, they endure it, although many of them already had bellies after tomatoes. They bring them back to the infectious diseases hospital in the evening, our teacher is again on duty. The Americans, first of all, rushed to the distillation to the toilet, which, by the way, was the only one. There has never been such a rush at the toilet since then. Well, the KGB called our doctor again, they said that cholera should be treated. The teacher doubted, like he saw them recently, it doesn’t look like cholera. But there is nothing to do, the KGB knows better. It was necessary to take a scraping from the anus for analysis from everyone ...
When the Americans were told this, they howled in protest. Well, their professor, as a mature and understanding person, meekly passed such an analysis, while the students began to resist. Well, it wasn’t there, our caring nurses got down to business. One stood in the doorway, blocking the only exit with her immense chest, while the other two caught rushing students in the ward and escorted them one by one under their white hands for analysis. In general, the analysis was done by everyone. But the students staged a hunger strike as a protest, the case smelled of an international scandal...
A friend of mine worked at the ER for a while, and this is what happened there.
Night. Duty. Everyone has already gone to bed. From time to time, the attendants are called to take in new patients, each attendant has his own ward. And finally, it was the turn of my friend. "Dima, go to the fourth, they brought you a man with a closed head injury.
- How is the condition?
Yes, okay, we're moving on.
I go up to the emergency room, I see that there is no one on the table, I think that a person is lying on a gurney, now the sisters will be admitted, and we will lift him to the ward. I take an accompanying report, read the diagnosis: "TCHMT" (see above). I read further the column "What happened" and quietly go nuts. "Walked. Fell. Swollen. Died."
Mother honest, this is what an ambulance arranged such a trick in the middle of the night. They themselves do not want to mess with the dead, call the police, so they slipped it on us. I began to call the brigade that brought this comrade. They connected me with them by radio.
- So-peretak, I say, who did you bring me?
- What is it? Normal injury:
- Yes, he's dead.
- What is already dead? We took the living
- What is written in the accompanying document? "Walked. Fell. Swollen. Died."
Silence at the other end. Then after a pause.
- Dima, we were in a hurry and cut it down: Swell. Died - Moderate tumor:
I went up to the gurney, and there, quietly snoring, a drunken man with a hefty bump on his forehead was sleeping in a hollow.
In a certain hospital there were not enough places (the situation is not rare), people were put right in the corridor. The corridor was long and narrow, which is why the doctors called it sausage. So, they somehow bring a new patient to the doctor: a granny in her 70s (in the clinic she was given a referral for a brain scan).
After the appointment, the doctor said a simple, in general, phrase: "We take a picture of the brain and put the granny in the corridor (since there are no empty seats)", but only in the language of doctors - "We remove the skull, and on the sausage!". You can imagine the reaction of the grandmother!
Again, a real case in a pharmacy. A shelf .... under it is a sign "contraceptives" .... On the left is a condom, on the right uterine spiral......... in the middle (may the men forgive me - I didn’t post it) - scissors.
By the way, about round eyes... A friend of mine once told a story from the life of doctors. I'm not an expert and I don't understand the terms, so excuse me.
Somehow, one ulcer department received a new Japanese device with light guides for examining the intestines. Moreover, there were 2 light guides - one oral, the second, respectively, anal. There is practically no difference between them. While our kulibins mastered the device and trained on each other, the oral part broke down.
"Ahhh, blah" - said the Russian doctors and wanted to push the device into the far corner. But it was not there. A patient came to them for research, and somehow it turned out that someone somewhere was in a hurry about the device, someone was reported somewhere ahead of time, and now a military major was standing in front of the doctors with a referral for examination with this very device.
After a brief discussion, it was decided to conduct an examination through the mouth, but with an anal light guide. The light guide is new, never used, only it did not pass through the opening of the oral strut - it was a little thicker. After scratching their heads a little, the medics adapted some kind of metal ring from those that are the first to be tucked under the arm under the spacer and tried to shove the light guide into the major.
Well, what can you do - there are people who find it difficult to even swallow pills, not like light guides. Major was one of them. I don’t know if he used wire cutters in the troops to cut through the barbed wire of the enemy, but his powerful jaws broke the metal ring into 4 pieces and bit through the new Japanese light guide, which he spat out.
And what about round eyes, you ask? A couple of days later, a specialist from the branch of the company, a Japanese, arrived from Moscow. So, when he saw a bitten anal light guide, with imprints of teeth, his eyes became not only round, they also climbed onto his forehead along with his glasses. He twisted the light guide in his hands for a long time and whispered something in Japanese. How well-mannered person, he did not ask unnecessary questions, but collected spare parts and left for the company, promising to send a new unit. They say that he even got on the plane with the same wide-open eyes.
A young Canadian venereologist Robert Clechard went to a small village on the island of Newfoundland. His task was to take local residents blood tests (in total, 23 men and 14 women aged 22 to 47 live in this village). The inhabitants of the village are engaged in fishing and logging. All women are married.
The young doctor took blood samples and brought them to the mainland to the clinic. There he spent necessary tests and found out that all the inhabitants of this village are sick with AIDS. What they were quick to tell.
When Klechar was sent to the same village after 5 months for re-analysis, he found a complete bedlam there. The inhabitants decided to live out the rest of their days in style. They withdrew money from their accounts and indulged in drunkenness and debauchery. Klechar was shocked by what he saw. Champagne flowed like a river, everyone had long forgotten who was whose husband and wife. They acted on the principle: whoever I want, I love. Naturally, everyone abandoned their work.
Somehow, Klechar managed to take blood samples from the participants of the orgy, which was held under the motto "we live the last hours."
A day later Klechar became ill. Why? Yes, because repeated tests showed no hint of AIDS. When the residents of the village were informed about this, the hops disappeared from them in an instant.
There is a court. 14 families were broken up. Drunk a lot of money. Residents of the village demand compensation from Klechar in the amount of almost 3 million dollars. True, some of them do not regret anything. As it turned out, they are mostly bachelors.
After graduating from the institute, I went through practice in intensive care. And then one day in the spring they bring a guy - a victim of unhappy love. I must say in the spring such idiots are simply brought to hospitals in batches, hormones are raging:
That boy was poisoned by something, but not completely. They pumped him out, made a dropper, and he lies. And since all this time he was yelling that he would not live without her, that he would kill himself, they tied him to the bed with straps. Since everything is in order with the boy, it is necessary to transport him from the intensive care unit, which I was instructed to do.
I take him with a dropper, but he does not calm down in any way - he yells. I got a little tired of it, and I decided to pin it.
- Oh, so I say, you don’t want to live, well, you don’t have to, you will be an organ donor, and I disconnect the drip from him. The action is harmless, but the effect is still produced.
And I'm taking it further. He quieted down. I go to the elevator. And I must say that it was possible to carry it in two ways: on top, and through the basement, where the morgue is. So I go into the elevator, they ask me where: Upstairs, or to the morgue? I say:
- To the morgue.
The boy turns white and starts mumbling something about killer doctors. When they got to the bottom, he began to yell at the top of his voice - "Save, help, they are killing!"
And everyone sees that the man, obviously not himself, is fastened to the bed with straps, and they don’t pay any attention to this, someone reassures:
- It does not hurt; be patient; once and done and so on...
The boy understands that this is clearly a universal conspiracy, recalls all the films where people's organs are cut out and falls into complete prostration ... When they got to the ward, it became scary to look at him, all white was submissive to fate.
He never tried to commit suicide again, shock therapy!
Medicine and dementia. Doctors' stories.
1. “I will never have a baby, no one cleans them in hospitals anymore.”
She is 30.
2. I once had a 20 year old patient who didn't know that sex could lead to pregnancy. I had no idea.
3. Looking at the patient's medical record, the doctor sees the diagnosis - diabetes.
Doctor: Do you have any medical indications?
Patient: No.
Doctor: Are you sure you were never told that you were sick with something?
Patient: Never.
Doctor: What medications are you taking?
Patient: Insulin… For diabetes.
4. A middle-aged woman in last minute before the operation (she was already wheeled into the operating room) she says that she is allergic to latex. Everyone is in shock - half of the devices used in the operating room contain latex! So we take her to a special latex-free operating room and perform the operation there.
When she woke up after the operation, I asked her how she reacted to latex.
"I just really don't like the sound of putting on latex gloves, dear." I just turned around and left.
5. No, my fiancé and I don't want our daughter to get vaccinated, vitamin K injections, PKU tests, antibiotic eye ointment. This is poison. Poking her with a needle is worse than the "cold" she'll get without the "poison"
And they took their newborn daughter home in a car that smelled of cigarettes and weed throughout the parking lot.
6. A 20-year-old patient came to the clinic. The main complaint in the questionnaire: "Personal". It's already fun. I go in, the guy is depressed and sad. He tells a story about how he slept with a girl, without protection, after he noticed that "she was wearing a plastic box." When she said it was an insulin pump for diabetes, he turned gray. Immediately rushed to get tested for diabetes.
7. “I had asthma as a child, stop drilling me and telling me how to raise my daughter just because you think you are smarter than me! ". Leaves the hospital.
Returns 2 hours later. A 6-year-old daughter has acute respiratory failure. agreed to intensive care.
8. "Do not drink or eat anything after midnight" - before the morning operation of his 3-year-old daughter (Glanda). During intubation the next morning, the girl vomits scrambled eggs, the vomit enters the lungs. My heart stopped and I made her artificial massage hearts 25 minutes. They pumped her out, the operation was canceled, and she was transferred to the pediatric department for ventilation of the lungs. Her father's response: “She said she was hungry. I thought you were too strict with her. It must have been something you did."
9. The patient was told that her son got sick every day at school because she gave him peanut butter sandwiches every day, and the child was allergic to peanuts. She didn't know, though, that peanut butter contained peanuts, and he, being only a student at high school(grade 5-7) was not smart enough to realize it himself.
10. A woman took the child's temperature by heating the oven with one hand on it and the other on the child's head. She told the nurse that the child had a temperature of about 120 degrees.
11. Veterinary. A woman fed her 3-month-old puppy every few days, for the sole reason that she believed that dogs should eat at that frequency. Came with hypoglycemia (of course!).
The nurse who spoke to her could not stand such blatant ignorance and actually yelled at her, “YOU EAT EVERY 3 DAYS YOURSELF?! »
12. Once there was a patient who was prescribed an inhaler for an allergy to a cat. He returned a week later, said that the reaction had not improved at all. It turned out that he sprayed the inhaler on the cat.
13. My favorite was a patient who was prescribed to put on estrogen patches every day. On the next appointment she complained that she didn't like the patches at all because "I'm running out of space".
My fault, I forgot to clarify that before you glue the patch, you need to remove yesterday's patch. It came out very funny. She really came all pasted over with plasters.
14. Mom brought the children to the clinic after Halloween, they ate all the candy and their stomachs hurt. When I entered the examination room, they were still eating toffee. I explained to her that they need to stop eating sweets. She looked at me like I had 3 heads.
15. There was a woman with diabetes, and she developed necrosis of her leg. The doctor told her that they would have to amputate her leg, and she replied, "No, Jesus will heal me."
The doctor looked at her and said, “Ma'am, demons are eating your leg. Jesus wants us to amputate it."
A 66-year-old pensioner was taken to one of the hospitals in Zaporozhye, who was immediately placed in intensive care unit. According to the doctors, this had not yet been seen in their practice: a nail was sticking out of the citizen's temples. To the surprise of the doctors, the victim soon came to his senses and even began to testify to the police, who were seriously interested in such an unusual incident. According to the patient, he himself hammered nails into his own head, trying to commit suicide with a hammer and hardware. However, the suicide was prevented by the neighbors, who found the pensioner on the street in this terrible state. The policemen do not deny the version of the attempted suicide, while noting that if it is proven, such an unusual way of voluntary death will be recorded by them for the first time. And the doctors have already dubbed the poor fellow "Zaporozhye phenomenon" who survived after such a serious injury.
Case on the way:
We are going on a train. At the bus stop, a woman enters a compartment with her little daughter. The woman says: I have to go, but my daughter has a toothache. Thank God, cured, managed. The doctor is good - his children do not cry.
I ask my daughter
- You are a brave girl, if you grow up, you will probably be an astronaut, like Svetlana Savitskaya?
- No, I'll be a dentist!
- Why?
- And I will tell everyone: "Well, shut up, why did you spread snot! Now, as a lady in the face, my own mother will not know!"
swallowed a toothbrush
It is difficult to surprise the doctors of the emergency room of the BSMP with anything. However, early in the morning of September 20, a patient came to them, with whom a very funny case, according to "Kama-press".
Returning home from another city in his car, the man for some reason began to brush his teeth on the go. During this process, a car suddenly drove out towards our hero. To avoid an accident, he swerved sharply to the side and did not understand how he swallowed a toothbrush. Two surgeons who examined the Chelnin man could not find anything in either the stomach or the intestines. They even did another X-ray, which also showed nothing.
However, the victim continued to have pain in his stomach. Luckily, within a few hours Toothbrush came out naturally, which saved the patient from the operation, and doctors - from the need to do it. As it turned out, the toothbrush was imported and, apparently, therefore, did not succumb to domestic x-rays. Well, now her fate is to be in the museum of "amazing things", where a whole "Japanese rock garden" already lives, which is collected by urologists during operations.
Universal brush
One man went on a business trip. There were few places in the hotel, they put him to stranger. In the morning the man woke up and went to the bathroom to wash himself. He looks - a neighbor unceremoniously brushes his teeth with his brush. Unpleasant, however. The peasant pretended not to notice anything, and returned to the room, but harbored evil. After waiting for the neighbor to finish the morning toilet, he went to the bathroom, took the same brush, sat opposite the guy on the bed and began to brush his heel diligently. He sees that the neighbor's eyes went out of his head:
- What are you doing?!!
- And what, in fact, surprised you so much? I'm scratching my heels. My fungus is very specific. It itches a lot in the morning. With a brush, except in the mornings, I save myself.
For some reason, the neighbor quickly packed his things and left in English, saying something offended.
The man returned home from a business trip, began to disassemble the bag. And I found in it ... two identical toothbrushes.
A friend is going to enter medical school, goes to courses, and has already managed to get acquainted with local students. One of them told her how they tried to make fun of her...
They took them all to the morgue - so that they would know what would happen if they were not cured; and you have to wear bathrobes, of course.
Somehow her fellow students managed to cut off from one of the "inhabitants" of the morgue male organ- and for the sake of a joke they put this girl in the pocket of her dressing gown.
The girl puts her hand in her pocket - and, not at all taken aback, pulls out this erotic souvenir, raises it above her head and asks:
- Guys, who lost?!
Tales of a Provincial Doctor
A company of doctors had a good walk: they were celebrating a holiday. Some drank themselves unconscious. In the morning, paramedic S. says to the orderly of the morgue P-sky:
“My head is buzzing like a bell!” I don't remember anything. Well, I got drunk yesterday!.. Like a pig, by God...
“No, nothing,” P-sky reassures her. - Well, she fell, well, she cursed, made noise and kicked ... But you, in general, kept the gases well.
Alexey Petrov
AT small town Rumors are born out of the blue. There is no limit to human imagination.
Once in the hospital they did C-section and brought out the one-armed child. During pregnancy, the woman underwent another operation and, in addition, had a severe infection and received antibiotics.
A rumor spread around the city that children without arms and legs are now being born in the maternity hospital. A journalist from the local newspaper quickly scribbled a note. Survived, they say. In the city, they say, such an ecology that already one-armed babies are born.
The father of the child came to the head physician of the maternity hospital and began to swear: why, he says, does your medical staff keep their mouths shut? The city is small, now everyone is poking a finger ...
And the head doctor knows nothing.
“To us,” he answers, “no one from the editorial office came. We did not give any information to the newspaper.
- I'm going to sue you! the visitor threatens.
- Why go to court?
“But because everyone in the city says that we abandoned this child and threw it on others.
Chief Physician doesn't know what to think.
And it was like that. Around the same time, a foundling was indeed found in a children's hospital. In the clinic, at the office of the local doctor. Without thinking twice, the doctor took the baby to the hospital. There, the child was immediately named after this doctor.
In the same issue of the newspaper, but on a different page, a note about this case was printed. Well, and human rumor combined both episodes into one ...
She was admitted to the hospital pregnant. She has toxicosis. Doctor Lakhin undertook to treat her: he questions the patient in detail and carefully writes everything down in the medical history. Lakhin is an intellectual in the third generation, always smoothed and shaved, polite and attentive, while the patient is a modern cheeky girl, exhausted higher education, dissolute life in hostels and prolonged smoking of cheap cigarettes. Yes, and she has a lexicon - hold on! "Be-be", as they say.
- What are you complaining about? Lachin asks. - Nausea? Vomit?
- Yeah. Feels sick all day long, like a hangover.
- From a hangover? Hm... Do you have an appetite?
- How can I tell you, doc ... All day long, not a poppy straw in my mouth, and in the evening the zhor attacks.
“Pikes have zhor,” Lakhin tactfully corrects her.
- In pikes, in bitches ... - the patient "punches".
"F-fu!" Lakhin frowns.
- Well, when do you get sick? he asks. – In the mornings, in the evenings?
"Don't you know when you're sick, Doc?" she winks at him. And he adds in his own way: - You, s-skat, a grown-up man already, should understand ...
“What is she hinting at?” Lakhin is at a loss. “She must be confusing me with someone. What, however, an unceremonious little fellow ...”
“You, my dear, give up this amicosonicism,” he remarks sternly. - It is important for me to find out about everything, write everything down ... So take the trouble to answer my questions and not be distracted by extraneous topics.
- Oh please. I - forever, - she says peacefully. - Try.
“Well, thank God!” Lakhin sighs with relief. “I finally understood where I got to.”
“So,” he says, “nausea is bothering you. So does vomiting happen?
- No, I don’t scare the toilet.
“And you say you feel really bad.” In this case, try to describe your feelings more precisely. What do you mean by "nausea"? slight dizziness, heartburn, feeling of bitterness, metallic taste in the mouth...
- No, doc! she interrupts him impatiently. – How would you describe it? Well, it's as if... Well, that's how you, for example, get sick... right? More or less like this...
There was such a case in the city of N.: a boy ended up in intensive care. Him allergic shock. I was on a drip for three days. And I felt a little better - I decided to take a walk around the department. The doctor forbade him to walk and gave him an anesthetic injection. But the boy still did not want to lie down. As soon as the doctors turned away, he crawled from the bed to the floor. And the bed was iron, some kind of hook was sticking out of it. Here the boy ran into this hook. And he hurt his scrotum. The surgeon was urgently called. He stitched up the wound. The boy's parents came running, demanding a resuscitator: why, they say, didn't follow? And what will you answer? Yes, there is, of course, a sin, it would be better to look after the kid ...
And yet the doctor decided not to blame himself. He went out into the lobby thoughtful, preoccupied and said to the boy's parents:
- Terrible case. Simply unique. Medicine does not remember this. Imagine: a guy terrible allergy. Total edema of the whole body. Moreover, it is so strong that somewhere it even burst. I had to sew...
Dr. Trakhomkin, a well-known ophthalmologist in the city, was on his way to work. I was late. There was no bus for a long time. I had to get into a suburban one (he could also take me to the hospital). As soon as Trakhomkin perched on the front platform, the conductor came up.
“We take tickets,” she ordered in a businesslike manner.
Trakhomkin silently took the travel card out of his pocket and showed it to the conductor. She began to object:
- In the suburbs, your travel card is up to us. Buy a ticket.
- Why? You have one office, one boss - the same as the city bus workers. I can say that I already paid my fare two weeks ago - a month in advance. If only we were paid like this...
- I know nothing. We are financed by the regional authorities,” the conductor waved her hand away. - And you gave the money for the ticket to the city treasury.
Trakhomkin said nothing more: some kind of stupid argument, by God. Just paid the fare, took the ticket. He sits by the window, looks at the street, gets angry: “They, you see, the district finances. But I’m flying everyone: both urban and rural. And the city pays me a salary. But, nevertheless, I don’t refuse anyone. here they almost portrayed a stowaway."
The conductor walked on down the bus. Trakhomkin did not see her for some time. Suddenly she hurriedly approaches again. Silently takes the doctor's ticket and returns the money.
- What? Why? Trakhomkin is surprised.
“That’s right,” whispers the conductor. - So it was ordered.
- Who commanded? Where?
“There…” She nods back vaguely. And pokes money.
- Come on, - Trakhomkin dismisses, - nothing ...
- No no...
“Yeah,” Trakhomkin sneers, “one of my former patients must have recognized me and whispered something to her - why, they say, you are robbing your own, this is our doctor ...”
Trakhomkin sits by the window and sniffs resentfully. “What is it that turns out to be?” he thinks. “They returned the money to me!
Twice offended...
A young gynecologist Olga Prokofieva examined a new patient and noticed that the glove on her hand was torn. It is not difficult to imagine the doctor's horror when, two days later, the news came that the patient had syphilis! This sometimes happens in the life of a gynecologist: it suddenly turns out that a patient who had an urgent need to be operated on is registered with a venereal dispensary, which means that now, in order not to get sick, the doctor will have to go through preventive treatment... With Olga, this happened for the first time, so she was upset, she began to shed tears.
“Wait a minute, rumbling,” Chilikov began to reassure her. - Just think, the glove was torn ... Not a condom! Yes, and what's wrong with that - torn? It doesn't mean anything yet. The main thing is that there are no wounds on the hands where the spirochete can penetrate.
“Uh,” Prokofiev waved her hand. I just got my nails done the day before. The wound is now near each nail ...
“Well, take a poke, just in case. Nothing terrible has happened...
- Yes, you understand: I'm in the second month. I have five weeks. So I will not inject any bicillin.
Chilikov was surprised.
“This antibiotic is not terrible for an unborn child,” he objected uncertainly. - The drug does not cross the placental barrier ...
- I still won't! The gestation period is short, any medicine is only harmful ... A freak will be born - who is to blame later?
And again in tears.
Chilikov ran for water. And Olga called after him:
- Why water - find a better cigarette ...
Chilikov went to the young sister of the treatment room, Rimma Fedorova.
“A delicate matter, Rimchik,” he said. – We are all walking around in snot. You know why: the sifak went through our hands... So give the girl a cigarette, you need to drown out the grief...
“We’ll give it,” Rimma winked at Chilikov. - We will give it to grandfather, we will give it to everyone ...
(She did not catch the last phrase.)
- Which grandfather? the doctor was surprised. - What are you talking about?
- Not about anything, but about whom: about you, therefore. Is that what you want to smoke...
"Yeah, that's it!" Chilikov finally realized, remembering that Rimma was twice his junior.
“No, no,” he said, “not to grandfather, but to a girl: our young doctor, Olga Vladimirovna ...
- Does she smoke?
“Rarely,” Chilikov replied. - Very rarely. Only when you get syphilis...
A mother of many children was admitted to the maternity hospital. I thought labor had begun. It turned out it was too early. They put her in the ward for pregnant women - "keep the pregnancy." And the woman is not up to it: the children cannot be counted at home. She rushes home, yearns, every day she asks the attending physician, Chilikov, to write her out. And Chilikov has his own interest: he needs to examine the pregnant woman as carefully as possible. Otherwise, God forbid, something happens later ... They will certainly take off their head for the mother-heroine.
Chilikov calls the therapist Karasev.
“Look,” he says, “I have one large child in my ward. The eleventh birth is coming. Every day he asks to go home, but there is no entry in your medical history. I tell her that it’s still impossible to go home, but she has her own: I’ll leave, she says, I’ll run away. Directly out of control some!
“Well, this is not difficult to understand,” Karasev grins. - You will give birth to ten - you will also be uncontrollable!
Head of one of the departments maternity hospital gathered his subordinates (doctors, midwives, nurses) and said:
- When you go to the relatives of our patients, think what you say. And then you talk the devil knows what, and then people panic for no reason. For example, as recently as yesterday, someone went into the lobby to the husband of the puerperal Sheludyakova and said that they had a mentally handicapped child! On what basis, may I ask? And in general, what right does a nurse have to give such information to relatives of patients?
“Maybe the doctor went out into the lobby,” one of the nurses objected.
- Not! - snapped the manager. - It was the nurse! Because she literally said: "The child was born stupid." Not even "stupid" - stupid! There are no such words in the lexicon of our doctors. And I also want to ask: why did you call a completely normal cute baby an idiot? What else for amateur performance, let me know?
Once gathered surgeons from Tambov, Ryazan and Tula in the city of Podolsk, in the district hospital. These were two-month military training: the cadets wore military uniforms and studied military field surgery. And for the weekend they asked for leave: to Moscow forty minutes by train. It was allowed to leave on Saturday afternoon, and return on Monday by eight in the morning. The only condition: the cadet had to leave the address where he was going, write it down in a special (secret) notebook - "in case of general alarm."
Many cadets in Moscow had neither relatives nor acquaintances, however, even these hung out for about two days and somehow managed to find a place to sleep in the capital ... It seemed to them that it was more pleasant than toiling all weekend on a cot in the "training room" of the Podolsk hospital. In such cases, the following was written in the "secret notebook":
"Moscow. Kremlin. Red Square."
The most curious thing is that humorists easily got away with it. Probably, none of the commanders read the "secret notebook".
The doctor asked the patient about the diseases she suffered from. The answer was:
- As a child, I often broke my arms and legs and caught colds in my kidneys. And recently they cut out my appendicitis and tore out the tonsils!
When a patient or a patient is admitted to a hospital, one very peculiar document is filled in the emergency room. It's called "Inventory of things accepted for storage". Here, for example, is one of them. A narrow piece of paper, and on it:
"Things of Ivanova Maria Ivanovna. Lilac jacket, blue coat, black skirt, black halterless, white shorts with lights, black slippers."(Spelling preserved).
And then there is this entry: "We are not responsible for the safety of things". Then the date and someone's signature.
What's this? A document that is a witness to our days? Or just a portrait of a Russian woman of the post-perestroika period?..
At the appointment with a sexologist:
“Something you, Sergey Ivanovich, are sad today,” the doctor says to the patient. Do you have any sexual problems?
- No, doctor, there are no such problems, in general, but ...
- What?
- All the same, you know, I want more, more often. And better. And preferably with some new, different ...
