Humorous doctor's appointments. Sayings of great people about doctors and medicine
The best medical jokes, jokes and stories about doctors and patients. Jokes about doctors are the funniest and most hilarious.
Doctor, will I live?
- What's the point?
There is a knock on the door of the doctor's apartment, he opens it - there is a skeleton on the threshold!
Doctor: “It’s always like this, they pull to the last, and then they come to be treated ...”
Granny came to the proctologist.
- What are you complaining about?
- Something is wrong with me.
— What could be good there?
Is it true that a real doctor heals with a word?
- True, and when there are medicines in the hospital, then medicines
The grandmother comes out from the gynecologist, stood in the corridor, then opens the door ajar and asks the young doctor:
- Son, does your mother know what you are doing here?
They call the labor exchange from a car service:
We need an auto mechanic.
- There are no mechanics, there is a gynecologist.
We need a mechanic...
- Well, he can also be a mechanic, he just really needs money ...
They took him, and a day later they call again:
- Please send two more gynecologists.
"Why do you need two more?"
- Yes, you know, yesterday they brought the car, but they forgot to leave the keys,
so us your gynecologist in two hours the whole engine through the exhaust
broke the pipe!
A patient:
“Doctor, is it true that you can’t buy health for any amount of money?”
Doctor:
— God be with you! Who told you such nonsense?
The veterinarian comes to the therapist.
Therapist:
- What are you complaining about?
Veterinarian:
— Hey, my friend, everyone can do that.
A man enters a drugstore and whispers something softly into the druggist's ear.
Pharmacist (for the entire pharmacy):
- Yes, what other protective equipment, this is a pharmacy, and not the Ministry of Defense.
In general, what do you do?
- I get people.
- And they?
- They're yelling.
- Haven't you been beaten in the face yet?
- Not yet. Don't grow up! I am an obstetrician in the maternity hospital.***
At the psychiatrist's office:
“Doctor, a monster comes to me every night!”
- And you send it somewhere. At night, a monster crawls out from behind the doctor's bed:
— Excuse me, doctor, but they sent me to you.
"Listen Vasya!" - says one doctor to another - “I have some kind of crap I don’t understand! I’m flying from one, but they die from another!”
- No, well, Misha, I’m fine with this - from what I’m flying, from that they die!
Jokes about doctors and patients
Two psychotherapists:
“I always ask a new patient if he plays chess.
- Why?
- If he doesn’t play, I advise you to play, if he plays, I advise you to stop.
- Why?
- Why - I don’t know myself, but in 80% of cases it helps ...
Hospital. The doctor enters the room. There are three women on the beds. The doctor addresses the first:
- What's your name?
“Eudokia,” the patient answers in a weak voice.
- Evdokia will be the first to go to the operation. And, as you know, they go to the operation, they carry it from the operation ... He turns to the second:
— And what is your name?
— Praskovya.
- So, sir ... Praskovya, today we will remove the gallbladder ...
— Appendicitis, doctor, appendicitis! Praskovya screamed.
- Okay, okay, or appendicitis ... He goes to the third bed, asks:
"Well, what's your name, my dear?"
— Hope.
— Oh, Hope! And Nadezhda will not be operated on today ...
Why, doctor?
Because hope dies last...
The doctor gives the patient an enema and asks:
- Doesn't it bother you that much?
- Doctor, after what happened to us now, we can already switch to "You".
An elderly (M) man comes to the doctor:
- Doctor, you know, I can do one, I can do the second, but I can’t do the third. But I'm only 65 years old!
- Calm down, honey. I'm 30 and I can only do one.
- Doctor, what are you talking about?
About women, of course!
- I'm talking about stairs.
There is a lecture going on at the medical school. Professor says:
- Before I tell you the topic of today's lecture, I will tell you a case from own life. When I was a student, I liked one girl. Another student liked her too. The girl gave preference to that student. I was left with a nose, and that young man was left without a nose. Now I will announce to you the topic of today's lecture: "Syphilis and its consequences."
Jokes about doctors are funny and spicy
A proctologist comes to the emergency room, whose hand is stuck in the patient.
The traumatologist doctor looks grinning for a long time, then utters: Sorry, dear, but we still have a trauma center, not a puppet theater!
A young woman comes to the doctor's office and complains:
“Doctor, everything annoys me: these buses, trams, trolleybuses, these people always hurrying somewhere, this stupid city bustle!
- Have you tried to go out of town, into nature?
- Yes, I went! Everything annoys me there too: these trees, this stupid green grass, these unceasing birds!
Have you tried making love?
- No ... Do you think the doctor will help?
- Well, let's try now ... The doctor laid the woman on the bed and began ... After a while, she tells him:
- Doctor, you either go there or here, otherwise it's so annoying back and forth! ..
— Registration?
- Yes.
Can I make an appointment with a urologist?
- At half past five?
No, he just blushed...
A woman comes home, enters the room and sees: her husband is sitting on the floor and opens a bottle with a member. She widened her eyes and could not utter a word. And the husband smiled guiltily and said:
“Darling, don’t think anything bad. I'm just having trouble at work. Of course, this did not calm the woman, and she immediately rushed to the psychiatrist. Runs into the office and says:
- Doctor, what should I do, my husband is crazy.
- Why do you think so?
- He opens the bottle with a member.
“But he doesn’t try to break a bottle with them?”
- No, I didn't see it.
“Well then, how crazy is he?” He's in such trouble at work!
A man comes out of the AIDS diagnostic station:
- All! AIDS! Life is over...
Another one runs after him. Laughs, joyfully kisses the certificate:
- Hooray! Syphilis! Syphilis!
The patient comes to the doctor:
— Doctor, my sexual partner has AIDS. What should I do?
Get tested and come back in three days.
Three days pass
- That's bad! All tests gave a positive result.
Patient in panic
- But, since you have the most initial stage it's not too late to help.
There is one absolute remedy. Three liters of milk are taken, finely
herring crumbles, garlic, vinegar are added and all this is well mixed
waking up. Drink everything in one gulp. After a week of treatment, everything will pass.
The patient happily runs away. A nurse comes to the doctor and asks:
- Why are you doing this to him, he has all the tests negative?
- Let him know what a man's ass is for!
A patient comes to the proctologist and says:
- I have a doctor anus frog! The doctor inserts the proctoscope, looks and says:
- Yes, you have a brick here!
- Here - here, doctor, she is sitting under a brick!
- Look, birdie! Grab you by the testicle!
“Is there another urologist here?”
The doctor's office.
“Doctor, am I not worth it?”
The doctor looks around apprehensively.
- And who are you going to f @ gasp here?
Jokes and aphorisms about doctors
Medical Wisdom:
A well-fixed patient does not need anesthesia.
There are three basic rules for keeping your teeth in good shape:
1. Clean them twice a day.
2. Visit your dentist at least twice a year.
3. Don't poke your nose into other people's business.
The new version of the Hippocratic Oath begins with the words: "Only if you have an insurance policy."
A well-fixed patient does not need anesthesia.
- Which institution accepts without exams?
- To the Sklifosovsky Institute.
An awl in the ass is one of the main causes of traumatic brain injuries ...
Anesthesia is a means of protecting the surgeon from the advice of the patient during the operation.
All captains in our ward. Each has its own ship.
The new version of the Hippocratic Oath begins with the words "Only if you have an insurance policy."
the main task paid medicine- translate sharp pain into chronic!
Surgeon:
“That was a disgrace when I after work (15 gynecological ultrasound) went into the store and strictly asked the saleswoman: “When is the last period?” And at first she answered quickly and clearly: “May 29,” and then asked timidly: “Why do you need it?”
Obstetrician-gynecologist:
"After sleepless night came home. The wife says: “I need to have a serious talk with you!” I automatically issued: "Go undress, lie down, get ready."
Neurologist:
“She finished receiving the patient, in order to call the next one, she went to her door and knocked on the inside.”
Dentist:
“My husband says that I actively chatted in my sleep before the decree. The pearl itself was about a week before leaving: “Don't talk to me, I can see your teeth. God, teeth everywhere! Why does everyone have them?
Emergency doctor:
“Once, having caught a cold and tired (on my feet for a day), I signed an ECG on a call at night: “The main thing is that everyone is alive.”
General doctor:
“And I, returning home after a bunch of calls, to my husband’s question on the intercom “Who?” answered: "Doctor".
Anesthetist:
“I often answer the call: “Resuscitation, listening.”
Infectionist:
“Or after a day you answer on your mobile: “On duty!”
Otolaryngologist:
“After repeated phone calls on duty, I inserted a phonendoscope into my ears, put it on the patient’s chest and said:“ Hello ”...
Oncologist:
“Somehow I left the office, and a colleague attached an invitation to the conference to the monitor of my computer. For 15 minutes I tried to close it with the mouse, I almost called the technical support service about the insidious virus. Then the paper could not stand it and fell off ... "
Cardioradiologist:
“A call to my mobile in the evening, I take it and answer: “Radiology”, and there my mother answers me: “Pediatrics on the wire” (my mother is a pediatrician).”
Surgeon:
“Somehow I was standing in line, a man came up, asked who I was after, to which the answer was:“ For this patient ... “I was after 2 days in a row.”
Doctor of clinical laboratory diagnostics:
“Daughter’s diary was repeatedly signed with the words: “Doctor Ivanova.”
Oncologist-mammologist:
“I’m riding in a minibus and I say: “Stop me at the end of the menstrual cycle.”
Otolaryngologist:
“It was funny when I forgot to take off my forehead reflector and went home like that. I didn’t immediately understand why people at the bus stop looked askance at me. Oops! - a star in the forehead.
Psychiatrist:
“Having worked the last day, I tried to open someone else’s car for so long that the owner came out, happily offering to change cars, if his old “ten” looked to me.”
Orthodontist:
“And after 3 consecutive days of 12-hour work, did you try to call on the television remote control? Moreover, with a full dialing of the number, putting it to the ear and impatiently waiting for the sound of the call ... "
Chiropractor:
“And it’s time for me to go on vacation ... Today, getting into a taxi, instead of the name of the street, I said to the taxi driver: “On the couch, please.”
Neurologist:
“After shopping at the supermarket, I signed the check and put my stamp on it! The cashier is crazy!”
AT healthy body- healthy stool
In a healthy body - a healthy friend (N. Fomenko)
Each age has its own charms, and in youth also strangers
There are two, maybe three thoughts in my old head, but at times they raise such a fuss that it seems there are thousands of them. (F. Ranevskaya)
When I was young, I had to undress every time I went to the doctor, but now it’s enough to show my tongue. (F. Ranevskaya)
In old age, the main thing is a sense of dignity, but I was deprived of it. (F. Ranevskaya)
Age is a matter of attitude. If you do not pay attention to it, it is not a problem. (M. Twain)
Memories are the treasures of old age. (F. Ranevskaya)
Doctors are surprised how, with such treatment, patients are still alive. Patients are surprised how, with such a salary, doctors are still alive. (M. Zhvanetsky)
Everyone struggles with mold, although dampness must be fought. (M. Zhvanetsky)
All the greats have long since died, and something is unwell to me. (M. Zhvanetsky)
Everyone says that health is the most precious thing; but no one follows it. (K. Prutkov)
Everything wears out, even grief (Gustave Flaubert)
Everything has its end, and the sausage - even two
All people want to live long, but no one wants to be old (D. Swift)
Everything new is well-dressed old (N. Fomenko)
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!
An autopsy showed that the patient was asleep.
Are you ill, Faina Georgievna? No, I just look like that. (F. Ranevskaya)
Have you tried taking a sleeping pill at the same time as a laxative? A very interesting effect is obtained. (M. Zhvanetsky)
Headache should not be underestimated
Headache should not be underestimated. When it plays out, the feeling is that you will not earn anything on it; but then, when it begins to pass, the unused balance is quite worth $4 a minute. (M. Twain)
Prepare a sleigh in the summer, and a hearse from a young age
Yes, there is still gunpowder in the flasks and berries in the buttocks
Let's assume that we are all insane - this will explain a lot, will solve a lot of problems. (M. Twain)
Even if you have been eaten, you have two choices (N. Fomenko)
Depression is just anger without enthusiasm
Doctor, I've been very preoccupied with my mental faculties lately. (F. Ranevskaya)
More expensive than health can only be treatment. (M. Zhvanetsky)
If the patient really wants to live, doctors are powerless. (F. Ranevskaya)
If a my head hurts, then it is (N. Fomenko)
If I ever happen to catch a cold again and have only two medicines at my disposal - an earthquake and warm water with salt - I'll probably take a chance and choose an earthquake. (M. Twain)
If your mouth smells bad in the morning, it means that yesterday someone shat in your soul
If you have a wonderful wife, an amazing lover, a cool car, no problems with the authorities and tax authorities, and when you go out into the street the sun always shines and passers-by smile at you - say “No to drugs!”
If a person has a stable psyche, you should not load it with trips to psychotherapists (Vit. Klitschko)
If a person is sick, then it is for a long time, if sick, then for life
If I tell you everything as it was, word for word, you will die of boredom. Do you want to die of boredom? Yes or no? (F. Ranevskaya)
There is still gunpowder in powder flasks and berries in my buttocks (N. Fomenko)
There are still balls in trousers (N. Fomenko)
We wish you happiness, health and creative Uzbeks (N. Fomenko)
I wish you health in your personal life (N. Fomenko)
Healthy no people, there are poorly surveyed!
Health is when you have pain in a different place every day. (F. Ranevskaya)
Health without strength is the same as firmness without resilience. (K. Prutkov)
You can't buy health, you can only pay for it
A perfect memory is a great misfortune. For her, all events have the same value. A person with such a memory cannot distinguish an interesting fact from an uninteresting one. Telling about something, he always clutters up his story with boring details and bores everyone unbearably. (M. Twain)
There are no others, we will treat others (N. Fomenko)
To old age it is necessary to get good from morning to evening. (F. Ranevskaya)
Oxygen is the most dangerous gas, everyone who breathed it - everyone died
When I was younger, I remembered everything - both what was and what was not. Now I'm getting old and soon I'll remember only the last. (M. Twain)
Better to be a young dung beetle than an old bird of paradise. (M. Twain)
Better a tit in the hands than a duck under the bed
Better a tit in the hands than a duck under the bed (N. Fomenko)
Better a hundred times at no time than at once - a hundred at once
Better a terrible end than endless horror
Do you like to swim, love and artificial respiration study
Microbes slowly crawled over Lefty's body, dragging horseshoes behind them with difficulty... (M. Zhvanetsky)
Wash your hands in front and behind (N. Fomenko)
Wrinkles should only indicate places where smiles used to be. (M. Twain)
My favorite disease is scabies: I scratched myself and still want to. And the most hated - hemorrhoids: neither to see for yourself, nor to show people. (F. Ranevskaya)
Learn from mistakes, heal after mistakes...
Is medicine science, or just a way to feed on human ignorance? (M. Twain)
Our age already like that what you say with some conclusions: you are so tired of the evidence (M. Zhvanetsky)
Do not cross the street to the next world!
Do not try to avoid temptations: in time they will begin to avoid you. (M. Twain)
Am I that old already? After all, I still remember decent people. (F. Ranevskaya)
He got into bed and fell asleep with all his might. (M. Zhvanetsky)
He started his medical practice a year ago and had two patients - or perhaps three; yes, three: I was at their funeral. (M. Twain)
He said that all my illnesses are not illnesses, but symptoms of approaching old age. (F. Ranevskaya)
He is an old fool. Although age has nothing to do with it (M. Zhvanetsky)
He will die from the expansion of fantasy. (F. Ranevskaya)
I will give the ends in good hands (N. Fomenko)
A penknife in the hands of a skilled surgeon is far better than any other sharp lancet. (K. Prutkov)
Positive emotions are the emotions that arise when you put a lot of effort into everything. (M. Zhvanetsky)
I remember that my legs hurt so much in 1941! .. but I bought the 45th and it was fine. (M. Zhvanetsky)
Involuntarily, one has to treat not the disease, but the patient, as it is said in all textbooks. (M. Zhvanetsky)
After forty years, I always go to sleep and wake up adhering to routine - and this is extremely important. I have made it a rule to go to bed when there is no one else to sit with, and to get up when circumstances require it. (M. Twain)
Through insanity we will reach orgasm (N.Fomenko)
I will stretch my legs in good hands (N. Fomenko)
Let the one who is too lazy to itch to wash!
Nobody is afraid of radiation here - it is believed that we simply will not have time to die from it (M. Zhvanetsky)
It is calculated that a Petersburger living in the sun wins twenty percent of his health. (K. Prutkov)
Today, both the doctor and the patient look at each other with the same hope (M. Zhvanetsky)
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten
Sclerosis cannot be cured, but it can be forgotten. (F. Ranevskaya)
Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. (M. Twain)
Getting old is boring, but the only way live long.
Old age is not joy, insanity is not an orgasm
Old age is the time when candles on a birthday cake cost more than the cake itself, and half urine goes for analyses. (F. Ranevskaya)
Old age is when you are not worried bad dreams but bad reality.
Old age is just bullshit. I believe that this is the ignorance of God when he allows you to live to old age. (F. Ranevskaya)
Old age is approaching like an electric train: here it is still there, and now it is already here (M. Zhvanetsky)
Old women are vicious, and by the end of life there are bitches, and gossips, and scoundrels ... (F. Ranevskaya)
Old women, in my observation, often do not have the art of being old. And to old age it is necessary to get good from morning to evening! (F. Ranevskaya)
A slender, melancholy girl, distinguished by an interesting pallor, which came from pills and indigestion. (M. Twain)
A sign in the doctor's office: "I don't drink flowers and sweets"
Where the losing streak ends, the cemetery territory begins
Hard in treatment - easy in the coffin (N. Fomenko)
Dying is the last thing (Yuri Rybnikov)
Pack, Lord, his soul!
A diligent physician is like a pelican. (K. Prutkov)
Surgeons believe that inner world a person is best revealed on the operating table (N. Fomenko)
A well-fixed patient does not need anesthesia.
The older the person, the older he is (Vit. Klitschko)
What I do? I pretend to be healthy. (F. Ranevskaya)
Whatever you do with a man, he stubbornly crawls to the cemetery. (Mikh. Zhvanetsky)
To become a long-liver, you need to carefully choose your n rares. (M. Twain)
Julius Caesar is dead. Shakespeare is dead. Napoleon died, and I don't feel quite healthy either... (M. Twain)
I would like to die like a grandfather - in a dream ... And not like his passengers - screaming in horror. (M. Zhvanetsky)
It is generally accepted that the most "cool" profession we have is taxi drivers. It's about them and them professional activity folded great amount anecdotes, jokes and aphorisms. But doctors confidently breathe into their backs. They, one might say, are in second place in popularity in the ranking of the most-most, and therefore we decided to devote this material entirely to jokes about medicine and everything connected with it.
The medicine. Is humor appropriate in this area?
Despite the fact that a lot of "medical" humor is black, you can't go anywhere without it. And in medicine as well. The most about hospitals, doctors and their patients are from the field of black humor, but they by no means leave behind bad taste. The most common "black" joke, of course, is a joke about pathologists, namely: "The autopsy showed that the patient died from the autopsy." But this set is not limited. And we will begin our review of the most funny jokes from the field of medicine with jokes, the most common in the circle of the physicians themselves.
Jokes and anecdotes among the medical staff
Of course, we will not fit all the anecdotes and aphorisms of doctors into one small article, but we will try to give out a selection of the most “hardened” ones. So, how do our doctors joke?
When undergoing fluorography, the doctor asks: “Where is your policy?” The girl replies: "I forgot at home." “Well then, honey, the pictures will be black and white…”
Laughter will be much more contagious if you make a tuberculosis patient laugh properly ...
The place of the enema cannot be changed ...
Advice from an experienced pulmonologist to a smoker who came for an examination: “You, my friend, should learn to smoke with your anus.” The smoker indignantly: “Why is that?” “Yes, because colon cancer is now cured, but lung cancer, alas, not always ...”
Sometimes the jokes of doctors are even more alarming. For example, with a set of the following statements, and in particular with the last one, each of them agrees. After graduating from medical school, anyone agrees that he now:
- Knows why you need to wash your hands, and washes them always.
- He knows that he will surely die someday and that he must come to terms with this.
- Knows where babies come from.
- I am sure that from now on nothing can spoil his appetite anymore.
- He is scared to death of any doctors, and especially those who studied with him on the same course.
Jokes about the doctors themselves
Let's proceed to the review of jokes about doctors who walk in a wide human environment. They are not always flattering, but doctors are unlikely to be offended by this. Rather, they will gladly laugh at them along with everyone else.
The sister suddenly begins to scream heart-rendingly: “Doctor, oh horror! We lost him…” To which the doctor calmly pats her soothingly on the shoulder: “You shouldn’t be so upset about this. Look around, we have a whole ward of them here!”
After work, a pathologist and a gynecologist come out from the depths of their offices into the street and, stopping at the threshold of the clinic, inhale Fresh air and look around. The pathologist says: “How wonderful here! Everywhere people! Living people! To which the gynecologist adds: “And faces! Faces!
It turns out that traumatologists also have an off-season. This is a quiet time in which the motorcyclists have already ended, but the snowboarders have not yet begun. And vice versa.
A man falls to the ground in the middle of the sidewalk in the middle of the day. A woman leans over him and starts calling for a doctor. “I’m a doctor,” one of the passers-by answers, “what happened to you?” "He has, in my opinion, heart attack!" - the woman answers. “Well then, I’m waiting for him in my office,” the doctor says calmly and is about to leave. The woman indignantly told him: “How is it in your office? He's about to die!" To which the doctor throws over his shoulder: “Well, yes. I am a pathologist...
Sayings about free healthcare
Jokes about free medicine all in all. Yes, medicine is free in our country. But as the saying goes famous aphorism, it is free only until you get sick. This is where the "free" ends. Hence the set of following statements.
We have free medicine, but not treatment.
Well, do you want to be treated for free or do you still want to live?
Anesthesia was general, and the surgeon was local… Free…
Poor patients...
A set of jokes about medicine is not limited to doctors alone. Patients deserve attention too. Here you are in order.
The polyclinic is nothing more than an accelerated exchange of experience between patients.
Sonulya comes up to his mother and asks: “Mom, mom, what is this “sclerosis”?” The mother turns, looks at him and says: “What-what did you ask me now?” Sonny: "When?"
"You've been smoking too much!"
"Well, so what?"
“Yes, smoking kills. It says on the package, read it!”
"So what? What, the ancient Egyptians didn't smoke? All the same, they all died out! .. "
If a woman tries on glasses, it means that she has already grown up to the point where curiosity began to overpower vanity.
The patient went on the mend ... but did not reach.
The patient was in dire need of medical attention. And the further he went, the better the patient would be ...
If only everyone behaved so politely everywhere, as in the queue at the dentist's office ...
A call to an ambulance at three in the morning: “Hello, is this an ambulance ?! Hurry up, our boy swallowed a corkscrew!” Ten minutes later, another call: “Hello, ambulance? Cancel the call. We found a spare corkscrew, all is well!”
The nurse saw a man flying out of the doctor's waiting room with a bullet, frantically trying to open the door to the corridor in reverse side. "Dear, what happened?" she asked. The patient shouted out: “They said: don’t worry, the operation for appendicitis is the easiest and there is nothing to be afraid of!” Nurse at a loss: "But it's true!" A patient with eyes wide with fear: “It’s true, they just explained it not to me, but to a young surgeon-intern! ..”
About medications and weight loss
Drugs and attempts to lose weight are akin to jokes about medicine, and therefore they cannot be ignored either. And here are a few of them.
“This is just an amazing remedy for baldness! With it, even billiard balls will grow hair!”
"And how then, in your opinion, to play billiards?"
"Girl, do you have a cure for greed?"
"Not. Is it just these pills…”
“Yes, more, more! ..”
“My wife decided to start losing weight and therefore became interested in horseback riding ...”
"Well, how are the results?"
“The horse lost 10 kilos…”
Conclusion
The most excellent joke about doctors, or rather, a scene at the reception of various doctors, was once given out by Vinokur. Let's watch this funny video.
And what is characteristic, sometimes cases exaggerated by Vinokur actually take place in our lives. But any of us, potential patients, secretly hopes that jokes about medicine will remain jokes, and in life we will not become their heroes, because, of course, medical institutes, no matter what the doctors themselves claim, they don’t let out bad specialists. And because of these jokes, you can thoroughly all laugh together.
Of all physicians, the rapid pulse of the patient is the most worrying pedantic pathologists.
The intern-physician, memorizing the Latin alphabet in word forms and expressions, recklessly summoned the fiery spirit of a demon from Gehenna.
A young doctor-intern came to the grandmother. When asked about a saving injection to help the old woman acute attack take it off, the doctor thought about it and said that when he invents a method of treatment, he will certainly say.
The hospital is a human hospital where patients are healed painfully, rudely, sophisticatedly and scary, and the toilet is always busy.
Best Status:
When the militia darling became the police "with a smell", conservative doctors also seriously thought about changing their image.
Doctors ruin their health behind piles of methodical literature to save your precious one.
According to physicians-esculapians, to meet New Year badly after five glasses it is impossible.
Doctors are powerless when the patient clings to life with the fibers of the soul, using faith and money.
A sterile institution, devoid of life and principles, is a hospital hospital.
The hospital diet is standard treatment in general hospital, with state-owned food standard food.
Different doctors, different diagnoses different recipes… It’s getting better, and you don’t know what helped and what hurt you…
Hello, is this a hospital? - No, it's a morgue. - Oh, it's too early for me! Nothing, we'll wait.
Hospital, ward with dystrophics. The doctor enters the room. - Hello, eagles! - Doctor, what kind of eagles are we... - And who flew yesterday when the ventilation was turned on?
Health is when everything hurts, but you still have the strength not to go to the doctor.
After a night with Angelina Jolie, a resident of Izhevsk will Plastic surgery. The doctors will try to take the smile off his face.
Doctor, what's wrong with me? Diagnosis: Early stage love... medicine is powerless...
I have an attack of autumn and the mood of August is in my blood. I am sick. I have a cold or an allergy - medicine is not up to date, even more so.
Dagestan doctors swear by the mother of Hippocrates.
2 old doctors are talking. - I had a patient who, according to all forecasts, should have died 10 years ago, but he is still alive. – Yes, it happens. This proves once again that when the patient really wants to live, medicine is powerless.
They demand a miracle from doctors and teachers, and if a miracle happens, no one is surprised. Maria Ebner Eschenbach.
There is something between us ... and medicine is powerless here ...
Colleagues are talking: - This doctor is a genius: he cured my wife in two minutes. - How did he do it? - He told her that all her illnesses are a sign of approaching old age ...
According to doctors, fifty grams of cognac at dinner is not only useful, but also not enough.
A well-fixed patient does not need anesthesia!
It is not enough to be a doctor, you must also be able to help.
healthy people no, there are unexamined
The doctors' strike has yielded its first results. Mortality decreased by 30%.
Hello! Hospital? Me a surgeon! Urgently! Get this idiot out of my brain!
Attention! I treat hunchbacks. Doctor Grave V.I.
The most wonderful physician is nature, if only because it cures three-quarters of all diseases and never speaks ill of its colleagues. W. Cherbulier.
Madhouse misses us. The doctors are crying nervously.
Why before heartache medicine is powerless...
An elderly lady with a pretty daughter enters the doctor's office. “Take off your clothes,” the doctor says to the girl. “I’m sick, son,” the mother explains. “Ah, I’m sorry, grandma. Show language.
Doctors examine the conscript: - What's wrong with the hand? They took blood from a finger. Why is the arm in plaster? - But I didn't!
Beaver, why do you have such white teeth? ... I'm not a beaver, I'm a narcologist ...
Anesthesia is the only means by which the doctor gets rid of the advice of the patient during the operation.
Hospital. Department for dystrophics: - Vasya, roll a pill! - And why immediately Vasya, let Petrov roll, he is strong, he wears a T-shirt!
Psychologists, lawyers and doctors rarely fall in love. Because they know all the vices and shortcomings of a person.
If you go out into the yard at night, lie down and look at the starry sky through a colander for a long time, you can see the face of an ambulance doctor.
The demonstration of doctors ended in vain: the authorities failed to read the demands on their posters.
Can't roast nails? Is someone watching you? Call us. Mental hospital.
How superstitious dentists are! They constantly tell you to spit, and they put a spittoon behind your left shoulder!
Any disease is cured with time and vodka, and if one or the other does not help, medicine is powerless!
Lips, pumped up your chest, you increased your hair - medicine is power ...
- When I was a child, the doctor told me: “If you don’t stop biting your nails, you will grow up to be an idiot.” "And why didn't you stop?"
Medicine is free, but not treatment.
“Well, the pulse is normal,” the doctor says. - Doctor, take my left hand: right - prosthesis.
Now is the time when your neighbor knows more about you than your doctor.
I read the certificate, I didn’t understand shit, I thought why all the doctors don’t skip the subject of “secret writing”!
The doctor prescribed me pills, I sit and think now, this side effects or a dinosaur in the kitchen.
Oleg can afford to cross the street in wrong place. His father is a policeman and his mother is a doctor. :)))
We have such medicine that it is better not to get sick at all ... XDXDXD
A resuscitator is a person who glues someone's flippers every day!
Doctor: - The cause of your illness is alcohol. Patient: Thank you doctor! You are the first person who does not put all the blame on me!
Doctor: Have you already been operated on? - Yes. - So how is it? “Three thousand dollars. - I mean, what did you have? “Only a thousand dollars. “Again, you misunderstood me. I ask what are you complaining about? - The cost of treatment.
Good health is when you go to the pharmacy only for condoms ...
He took off his underpants and it became clear that medicine and I were powerless ... = (
Doctors say: A universal remedy for all diseases is an ax!
The doctor must have the eyes of a falcon, the hands of a girl, the wisdom of a snake, and the heart of a lion. Avicenna.
Being treated by a young doctor is much worse than getting sick!
Life is a hospital where every patient dreams of moving to another bed.
The doctor heals diseases, but nature heals.
The most expensive pleasure is medicine ...
- Are you a doctor? - No - Then don't treat me!
It is important to remember that doctors are people like the rest of us, and that 80% of us do not understand anything about our work.
For a long time, doctors have tried all medicines on themselves. That is why tinctures and balms are made with alcohol.
If a person really wants to live, then medicine is powerless.
Doctors are white people in good coats.
In Russian trains, stations are announced in the same language as doctors write!
Doctor to patient: - If you quit smoking, you will live another 20 years. - Excellent, then I will probably quit at 80.
- Andrei Evgenievich, I want a new doctor. - And that the old one is over? (Interns)
The only doctor who believes that everything is in order with you works in the military registration and enlistment office.
Free medicine is a mixture of “health-fucking” with “white negligence” ...
People with bowel disorders have escaped from the hospital. Doctors quickly found them in hot pursuit.
