We are constantly arguing about what to do. Quarrels with husband. We often quarrel. What should we do

Hello dear readers!

Remember the saying, dear ones scold, they only amuse themselves? Really, family relationships not without conflicts, omissions and quarrels. Everything would be fine, but many couples sort things out every now and then, which exhausts both, makes you think about right choice life partner.

The question on the agenda Why do my husband and I fight all the time?. Life, jealousy, misunderstanding, accumulated fatigue provoke conflicts in the family.

A person who does not love and respect himself as a person suffers from this himself and makes others suffer. diseases, chronic fatigue and constant stress does not contribute to good relations between spouses.

Even a loved one can anger, infuriate. This is inevitable, because two people try to get along under one roof. different person with their oddities, habits and idea of ​​how things should be.

If the views of a husband and wife on a particular problem do not coincide, a conflict is brewing. To minimize its consequences, you should consider the following tips.

• Never sort things out with your spouse in front of strangers, no matter relatives or friends. Many couples try to involve family members in a quarrel in order to enlist support. This will only increase hostility and provoke another scandal. take a breath full chest and postpone the showdown for a while. No wonder they say that the morning is wiser than the evening. After a while, the problem will not seem so big.
• In the midst of a scandal, do not infringe on the pride of your spouse. Men are vulnerable creatures, so they will remember the offense for a long time, even if they pretend that the conflict has been settled. If you systematically humiliate and insult your loved one, you can soon be left alone, because a man will quickly find one who will love and appreciate him.
• Most quarrels can be avoided if you bring your loved one to a frank conversation. The main thing is to think over the words in advance so as not to provoke another spat.
• Do not rush to label your husband guilty. Soberly assess the situation by connecting logic and female wisdom. It happens that there is no time for reflection, I want to find out the relationship right away, until it burns out. This leads to even greater conflict with all the consequences that follow from it.
• If the husband often initiates scandals, you need to find out the reason for his aggression. Maybe he's just letting off steam because of problems at work. Then you need to understand and forgive, as well as help solve his difficulties.
• If the husband is irritable and quick-tempered, it is worth taking an observant position. take away annoying factors leave him alone with his thoughts for a while. Let him think about his behavior. It happens that relationships come to a standstill, live separately. Rest from each other will bring you even closer loving people and finally alienate those who are tired of such relationships.

Active joint rest helps to let off steam, to look at the problem from a different angle. Go jogging together, walk in the park, play badminton, arrange romantic evenings.

Spouses who discuss their problems without screaming and accusations live together for a long time, happily, and most importantly, calmly. Praise your spouse for his achievements and do not try to hurt his pride. Get rid of the habit of mocking and teasing if you want to find harmony in relationships.

Wait a little before taking steps towards reconciliation. Let the spouse cool down. You should not take full responsibility for yourself, remember that at least two people are involved in the conflict.

Discuss the situation calmly. If the spouse does not want to return to the painful topic, do not insist so as not to provoke a fountain of indignation again. Write him a letter, setting out all your thoughts about the quarrel on paper.

Touching, kissing, encouraging strokes will help relieve tension at the beginning of a conversation. It also happens that the spouse refuses to talk for several days. Such moral violence is unsettling, you need to correct the situation as soon as possible.

Make him a surprise, let him feel like a necessary and most dear person again. Just do not offer sex, as the man may think that he is being manipulated or used.

A great way to make peace is a dinner prepared with love. Make sure that the relaxed atmosphere is conducive to an interesting simple conversation. Learn to let go of negative moments, because in fact, most disagreements are not worth shedding tears and experiences.

The article is useful not only for women, but also for men. Recommend to friends to read the material in in social networks. Don't let small troubles build the weather in your home.

Appreciate and respect your loved one!

Question to a psychologist

We have known each other for a very long time, more than 2 years. And 3 months ago he offered me to be his girlfriend. Our first month was wonderful. We often went out for a walk, he often wrote to me, called me .. The second month was a little different from the first. to me and not so often called or wrote. ask him if he can go out for a walk with me, but in response I hear only "no" .. What should I do to make these frequent quarrels stopped? We quarrel almost every day and sometimes it seems to me that it’s not far from parting ... And all because of his stupid, flat, unnecessary jokes. He has a difficult character, and I’m not an angel ... Sometimes not I know what to think .. At first he says nice words, cares .. And then it seems that he changes again or his jokes .. Or he doesn’t like something. And recent times we rarely talk, we don’t go for walks. We also rarely see each other. He may not answer my calls and it’s unpleasant for me. He often has no mood. It works for him. Maybe the whole reason is in me? Please help me, I don’t want to lose him, I need him and his support, otherwise I won’t be able to. Thank you.

Psychologists Answers

Valeria, hello.

In order to recommend something to you, you first need to know how old you are both. If you are very young, then there is only one advice. If you are about 25-27 years old, then the advice is completely different. It just all depends on your life "baggage". Very little information about you. Therefore, the recommendations will be general.

For starters, don't be intrusive. Know that your meetings are not yet a reason to be together every minute: each of you has your own life and your own work, and it is wrong to blame him for not being there all the time.
Do not overwhelm the guy with calls and messages, even if you are overwhelmed with feelings, because their excessive manifestation can lead to the fact that he will simply get tired of you and your too intrusive attention.
Don't try to control his time.
Do not tell the guy very often about your feelings, and do not ask every minute about his attitude towards you. Believe me, the answer to this question can be obtained from his actions, and more truthful than the words on duty.

Arrange with the guy to meet for a conversation, and not in order to make peace. If he avoids, well, everything ends sometime, you won’t be forcibly nice. Ask him to be honest with you. Ask him what he thinks, what his plans are and whether you are in them. After a constructive and most importantly calm conversation, you will already have an idea of ​​​​what to do and whether it is worth ...

And one more reason why quarrels constantly arise is DISTRUST, which lies in a person at the subconscious level. Try to get rid of this constantly gnawing feeling, life will become easier. Individual

Good day!
I am worried about constant quarrels with a loved one. Everything seems to be fine, love, but we quarrel very often. Most often because of my dissatisfaction. He often accuses me of being the one to blame. He has a complex character. During quarrels we face misunderstanding of each other. As soon as the conflict is brewing, I can not stop, I begin to remember past grievances. Often quarrels happen because of my jealousy. At such moments, I understand that everything is tired, and I don’t want such a relationship anymore. But I can’t part with him either, I can’t let him go. Yes, and I don't want to. I really want to understand myself and how to behave correctly. Because on the basis of quarrels I am very worried, I can neither eat nor sleep. I have lost a lot of weight in the last couple of months because of this.
Tell me how to build relationships and stop quarrels?

If there is mutual love, sit down with your man and agree on all the issues of this agreement (see). The questions themselves will tell you how to build harmonious relationship paired with. And the coordination of all issues will remove all dissatisfaction.

Most problems in a relationship between a man and a woman arise because we are really different. Perhaps John Gray's book will help you
"Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" http://lib.aldebaran.ru ... »

Ovsyanik Lyudmila Mikhailovna, psychologist Minsk

Good luck to you Valeria!

As I understood from your letter, until recently everything was fine in the relationship, and for the last couple of months there have been quarrels, because of which you are very worried and losing weight.

You write that quarrels often occur because of your discontent and jealousy. I think there are deep reasons for this, and it is worth looking for a solution to the problem in this area. When you are more satisfied and confident in the love of your soul mate, quarrels will stop.

Another point that you need to work on is learning how to constructively resolve conflicts. I have not met couples without contradictions and disagreements, and I know how to teach partners to negotiate among themselves for the sake of mutual well-being.

Come for a consultation, alone or with a loved one, you will get the results after a few meetings.

Sincerely
Natalia Talai, child and family psychologist in Minsk

4 chose

Quarrels are a nasty thing. Especially because they have a habit of growing and multiplying at an incredible rate. It seems that they quarreled because of uncleaned socks or unwashed dishes, and in the process they said so many interesting things to each other that they practically closed their paths to reconciliation. How often partners are offended by each other and do not talk for a long time, not because of the very subject of the quarrel, but because of what was said in the process. But it all started because of some little thing. Let's think how to avoid these unpleasant little things and prevent them from growing and multiplying.

Why are we constantly fighting?

What do constant quarrels mean? Do they talk about serious problems ah in a relationship? Not always soothing psychologist Maria Pugacheva. The reason may be in the characters and temperaments of partners. If they are both used to setting aside their rights, expressing themselves and controlling any business, minor clashes cannot be avoided.

"However, oddly enough, such an alliance can be very strong, because each of them really appreciates the strength, brightness and pressure, both his own and his partner, and is not particularly worried about such a situation. As a rule, in such quarrels alternately throw off the bright negative emotions, and then the same bright positive ones are experienced together, which immediately cover all the bad" The psychologist explained.

But there are other situations where Behind a petty quarrel lies a deep dissatisfaction. For example, a wife saws her husband for an unclosed tube of toothpaste, but in fact she does not like that he does not help around the house at all. Or she makes a scandal because her husband returned late from work, although in fact he worries that he pays little attention to her. In such cases, small quarrels are symptoms of more serious problems that need to be dealt with so that the relationship does not deteriorate completely.

There is also a very sad situation - when love has ended in a couple, and people begin to openly annoy each other.

Look at the root

Consider if your constant quarrels more deep reason . Not a trifle, but a major dissatisfaction that does not allow you to sleep peacefully and behave in a friendly manner. Analyze your feelings and ask your partner to do the same, and then calmly discuss the accumulated problems.

E it will probably not be easy. I still remember with horror the most difficult conversations that began with the words of my young man: "Now tell me what you don't like globally in me". But, since that young man later became my husband, it can be assumed that they were still quite effective. When all the problems are clear and discussed, it will become clear how to solve them, what can be changed, and what will have to be accepted.

"Perhaps it will be possible to agree through some compromises:" I turn a blind eye to this and this in your behavior, and you do not find fault with me on this and this issue. "Peace in the family can be restored if the spouses come to the conclusion that they are to each other dearer than anger over shortcomings, but it may also be that the only right decision there will be a breakup. By at least, so everyone will have a chance to find a truly happy and harmonious relationship, and not suffer for the rest of their lives, "- says Maria Pugacheva.

How to avoid?

But even if trifling quarrels do not have a serious underlying reason, they can really spoil the mood. Let's think about how to avoid them. Maria Pugacheva says that just holding back emotions is not the best way out. "It will only aggravate the situation, it will make the relationship more and more tense," says the psychologist.

But it's also not worth "pouring" them on a partner. Maria Pugacheva advises not show emotions, but talk about them. “If you calmly and kindly explain to your “soulmate” what you don’t like about him, and describe your emotions, this will be a powerful incentive for him to change in better side. Wherein it is necessary to list a couple of those traits for which you love and respect him. And if you demonstrate emotions - take offense and raise your tone, then you will only achieve exactly the same response. defensive reaction, but the matter will not move forward, the psychologist explained.

I will add a number of tricks on my own, allowing you to end a trifling quarrel even before it starts. All tips are self-tested.

• Before you speak (more precisely, shout), slowly count to ten. Banality, of course, but it works. After all, the first reaction is usually the most emotional and rarely the most thoughtful.
• Find out when you and your loved one have "bad" and "good" hours, do not start any discussions during the "bad" ones. AT different time day we can be more or less vulnerable. It depends on the various factors. It is better not to touch some in the morning, others in the evening, someone reacts sharply to everything when they are hungry, and almost everyone snaps if they are very busy. For example, the most difficult time for me is morning. If I am hurt at this moment, the reaction can be unpredictable: I can cry, scream, or even throw something. My husband understood this a long time ago and only jokes, calling me "morning monster" But not for serious problems.
• Together with your partner, come up with some kind of signal to end the quarrel. For example, funny word or a phrase bombina kurgudu, kvakozyabra or anti-sausage. If during a quarrel someone pronounces a conditional word, this means: "everything, timeout, I started (a) to start, we will discuss the problem later."
• Turn the conversation into a joke. Humor does a great job of dampening anger. I sometimes try to keep getting angry in such situations, but a treacherous smile creeps onto my face against my will. At the same time, I remember how much I love my husband for his sense of humor.
• Speak in a whisper. The main problem with quarrels is that they are vicious circle. You raise your voice, your husband raises it, you raise it even more... and so on.. As a result, both scream and no one hears each other.. Try to behave exactly the opposite - speak more quietly. The partner will have to listen, and he will unconsciously also switch to a whisper. And seriously swearing in such a tone is quite difficult.

Have you experienced this problem in a relationship? How do you prevent quarrels?

Psychologist's answer.

Dear Inna. I want to start my answer with the famous quote: "In a conflict, both are always to blame." Agree, if there were no real reasons for that, then you would not start a quarrel. It is so?

But on the other hand, self-discipline is also a great blessing. The thing is, you yourself write that because of the last quarrels, you begin to feel that the relationship can be lost. And also you feel that there is a possibility that you yourself inflate the conflict. You yourself see that by tormenting yourself and your young man, nothing good comes of it. So think about what is more important to you: to save a good relationship, develop, build the future, or Here And Now to prove to your soul mate that he is wrong in something or are you more right in something?

Women's wisdom is to achieve their goals not by attacking the forehead - i.e. through quarrels of demand and the like, and by some other methods. Think about which trait is more characteristic of a man and which one is more characteristic of a woman: pressure / softness, flexibility / stamina, strength / tenderness ... this list can be continued for a very long time. At the moment when one of the couple begins to use the traits characteristic of the other, fundamental conflicts. Here it is absolutely not important what to argue about, the main thing is the process itself. And there is nothing good in it.

If the previous one is understandable, let me return to the beginning, to self-discipline. There are two fundamental differences between the two situations: “I like to act, as I act, and I won’t change anything in myself” and “ everything just happens by itself.”

Both of these states are experienced by a person in the same way. Perhaps superficially, it even feels the same. Entering into this or that situation, when emotions go off scale and (as in your case) a quarrel (conflict) begins, two people enter into approximately the same scenario. For everyone, it unfolds, of course, according to a unique algorithm, but if you dig a little inside, all quarrels are similar to each other (and approximately on the same topic). If we're talking about the second case, " I can't do anything about it, everything happens somehow by itself ”- this means that at the moment of a quarrel a certain part of your personality begins to prevail over a sound, conscious mind, takes precedence over logic / feelings / reality and begins to control you autonomously. Such a "consciousness inside your consciousness." And, pay attention, it’s rather nasty, because quarrels do not stop. To be honest, I heard about this, I have not personally met, and I think that the theory is a bit far-fetched. I believe that a person decides for himself what, when, to whom and how much to say or do. This is called self-discipline. Pull yourself together, feeling that emotions are running high and try to go in a different, not the usual destructive way in a quarrel.

In the first case, when: "I like to act, as I act, and I will not change anything in myself" - there is a completely understandable, healthy and purposeful human egoism. A person in this situation realizes that: “not some “incomprehensible force controls me and I quarrel”, but simply yes, I’m not perfect (flax), I have my jambs, and it seems that this person, my jambs enrage. But, I don’t care about that, I will act as I do, and my soul mate, if he wants to be with me, let him put up with me and accept me as I am. AT this case, unlike the above, evolution is not possible until a person decides that relationships and other people are more important than selfishness. But this rarely happens, and just like in the previous case, it is a terribly long and difficult work on oneself.

I hope my explanations have brought a little clarity, and everything will work out in the most wonderful way for you. Good luck and happiness to you.