Unconstructive criticism. Constructive criticism - miss luck

Criticism, as a rule, we perceive as a negative assessment of our activities, work, our personality or business. Criticism is constructive and non-constructive, but whatever it is, for us it often remains painful. How to properly perceive criticism so that it gives us an impetus to development, and does not hurt our conceit?

How to learn to take criticism

We must understand that we live in a world in which it is impossible to completely isolate ourselves from criticism and, sooner or later, everyone has to develop their own experience of its perception. And most importantly, we are criticized not only by our competitors, rivals and enemies, but also by those who truly love us, who care about us at all. First, parents and teachers criticize, then friends, loved ones, colleagues, and at the very end, rivals or enemies can criticize.

Types of criticism

Criticism happens constructive and unconstructive .

Unconstructive criticism - this is false information, which, as a rule, is based on envy, anger, greed, hostility, a one-sided vision of the world and man as such.

You should not pay attention to non-constructive criticism at all, I, in turn, when I find non-constructive criticism, I simply sincerely pity this person and pray to God for him to become kinder, and his negative energy does not affect me.

Critics who constantly criticize someone or something, themselves live in hell already here on earth. Unfortunately, they do not know how to enjoy life, and therefore they are angry that others are happy and enjoy this life.
But there is another criticism, constructive.

Constructive criticism - this is truthful criticism, one that really corresponds to reality, to the truth.

Such criticism, as a rule, is mega difficult for us. How to survive it? How to perceive it? How to make criticism, which is undoubtedly painful for us, become productive? How to learn to accept criticism in your address?

To accept or not to accept?

As a rule, when we hear comments addressed to us, each of us acts according to the same scenario. It happens instinctively:

The first reaction to criticism is negative . It is very unpleasant for us, we want to immediately cut off this stream of reproaches.

Next we reject everything said . It seems to us that the remarks made are unfair, and instead of listening, accepting and understanding, we frantically search for the answer in our head. What is an answer?

After that, we still find what to answer and answer, that is, in fact, justify ourselves , situation, product, time. We justify why it happened or why it could not have been otherwise, and so on.

And most importantly, the fourth stage, since all other stages are done instinctively. At this stage we "digest" heard. There are two options here. First: we still reject criticism without thinking about it, and, as a result, we spoil relations with those who criticize us. The second way to criticize: we take control of our emotions and think about what we hear. We do this not in order to make things worse for ourselves, on the contrary, in order to correct something, if not now, then in the future. That is, in this way, we transform information that is negative at first glance into useful information for our own development.

Criticism is an ambiguous phenomenon. It hurts someone a lot, and for another it becomes a good incentive to move forward and develop. Someone gives up when he hears critical phrases about what he does or thinks. And, perhaps, a very interesting idea remains unrealized. And someone does not pay any attention to criticism at all, continuing to stubbornly move along the chosen path. In some cases, this brings success, in others - complete failure.

We all react to criticism differently. We all have to deal with it at one point or another in our lives. And our attitude towards criticism, as a rule, does not change throughout life. Does this mean that someone who learned to painfully accept criticism in childhood will still be forced to suffer from this quality of his until the end of his days? Not at all, psychologists say. Understanding what criticism is constructive and what is called non-constructive, as well as learning how to respond to it adequately, can turn the desire of other people to criticize your actions to your advantage. This skill is especially relevant at work, because in the process of joint actions every now and then you have to listen to the comments of the management.

Useful construct

The main sign of constructive criticism is the clear desire of someone who questions the reasonableness of your thoughts or actions to help you. That is, his words are intended to contribute to your successful solution of some problem.

This becomes possible in the presence of several important components. First, the critic must be an expert in the field in which he chooses to advise you. Perhaps this is a leader who has a lot of experience. And he is quite capable of giving practical recommendations for the employee. If this is not about work, then the critic should have his own personal experience in the topic on which he decided to criticize you. Otherwise, all this is empty talk and destructive criticism.

Secondly, although none of us can be completely objective, it is still worth trying to be as neutral as possible about the situation. Only then will it be possible to look at it more fully. Accordingly, the opinion will be expressed with the greatest benefit.

Thirdly, constructive criticism always has specifics. That is, your words, thoughts and actions are not evaluated in general, not on the basis of emotions, but on specific points, facts, results.

Fourthly, it is important that the critic can give clear and weighty arguments, examples in favor of his opinion.

Fifth, there should be no assessments of you as a person. Only what you have done or said is criticized. Your character, appearance, demeanor have nothing to do with it.

The rules of constructive criticism also imply that the critic is sure to notice the positive aspects of your actions, words, or ideas. This is important, because in no thought or deed can everything be “bad”. The one who is being criticized feels that he has done something right. It inspires and helps to calmly accept the rest.

This is the exact opposite. Its main “symptom” is the lack of specifics and too many emotions.

As a result, a stream of information that is difficult to systematize is poured on you, from which you can usually only take one thing out: you are wrong, but why exactly the speaker thinks so remains a mystery.

Getting personal is a big mistake in the process of criticism. As a rule, this is direct evidence of the speaker's incompetence. And also evidence of his self-doubt. In this situation, the "best" method for the illiterate critic – attack the opponent, in a figurative sense of the word, of course.
Sometimes people, including ourselves, being emotionally involved in the process, are simply not able to argue their position. Such methods do not work. It turns out unfounded criticism, which does not give the expected effect.
The critic begins to cling to the words, instead of looking at the essence.

If a very sensitive person becomes the object of unconstructive criticism, he may simply stop doing something at all. And when it comes to personal relationships, it is quite capable of simply turning around and leaving. That is why criticism should not be destructive.

Learning to Criticize

All this is an occasion to think about how you yourself criticize other people. And learn how to do it right. After all, criticism is also a kind of art, a technique .

And if you understand that obviously unconstructive criticism is directed at you, what should you do?

Don't start doubting yourself. Your self-esteem is not at all a thing that can be manipulated depending on someone's mood.
It is worth listening: what if there is a reasonable grain in the stream of incoherent proposals?
It makes sense to think about why this happened and you became the object of unconstructive criticism.
It is important to maintain emotional detachment. The critic often seeks to draw you into emotions. Here it is easy to follow his example and start pouring on the opponent not at all what is needed. It's not far from a serious conflict
You can listen to everything, and then give yourself time to think - do not answer right away.

As for constructive criticism, it can be very helpful. Just learn to separate words about your actions and ideas from yourself. And then you will have good tools for growth. You can even thank the person who criticized you. This is the usefulness of such criticism.

In our lives, we often encounter critical remarks, even more often non-constructive criticism. Of course, it is not easy to take it calmly, because it is precisely unfair statements in relation to oneself that a person endures extremely painfully.

Instinctively, we defend ourselves against criticism with yelling, anger, and other negative emotions, and this is devastating to us and our health.

Each person reacts differently to criticism. The reaction also depends on the upbringing of a person, on his individual characteristics of character, his life experience. But in the end, you can generalize all the reactions and identify three main ones. So, in response to criticism, a person can:

Show aggression, hostility and even go to conflict.
Keep silent, while feeling depressed and holding a grudge.
Focus on your reaction. You do not accept or reject criticism.

“An adversary who reveals your mistakes is more useful to you than a friend who wants to hide them” © Leonardo da Vinci

How to learn to calmly respond to criticism?

Your first reaction to criticism is indeed incredibly important. You can drag your opponent into a conflict or get out of this unpleasant situation very competently.

To properly respond to criticism, you need to remain calm

It is very easy to lose your temper if you are unfairly accused and significantly ruin your reputation. Pause and take a few deep breaths, try to calm down and not think about anything. You will think later.

Do not look for ideal answers to criticism, because most likely nothing useful will come to your mind at such a moment. Instead, calmly repeat the criticism to the person to make sure you get it right. Look the person straight in the eye and ask, “So you mean that…” and convey his criticism in your own words.

Be careful what you say, be to the point, and avoid the temptation to exaggerate what the person has said to you. Let the person know that you want to sincerely get to the bottom of the matter.

Thus, you will show him exactly how you took his words and this will be the most adequate first reaction to criticism.

The tactic of objective repetition and return of a critique can piss off the critic and it's time to start a real constructive discussion.

Start your phrases like this: “From my point of view ...”, and when you feel that a person is ashamed of his unconstructive criticism and his pride is hurt, you can use this phrase: “We had a misunderstanding. It happens to everyone, don't worry.

Do not forget that if a person is furious, and you are calm, it is noticeable to others and your calm reaction to unconstructive criticism will only improve your reputation among colleagues.

If, nevertheless, after you have returned the criticism back to the person, he again returns to his words, then it is time to buy some time for a good answer.

Don't be offended by unconstructive criticism.

Set yourself up in such a way that you react calmly to any criticism or even insult: “What makes you think that I'm a fool?” Even if you now understand that you were accused unfounded, that's all - still remain calm and tactfully express your point of view.

Try not to make excuses, just tell your opponent what you think about it. It should be understood that even if your critic realizes that he was wrong, this may infringe on his pride. In case your boss criticizes you, try to smooth the corners as much as possible and let him know that there was just a misunderstanding.

Of course, after such, and perhaps unconstructive criticism, your self-esteem already suffers. Even if you know that you did everything right and do not deserve such treatment, your self-confidence may suffer.

Take care to increase your self-confidence and your abilities

Remember that the problem is in the other person's criticism and perception of your actions, and not in you as a person. You have not become worse or better, you have acted exactly as you considered it necessary to act.

Practice critical thinking towards non-constructive criticism and stay optimistic. Make the right conclusions and in no case do not doubt yourself. Be the best!

People exchange information, as do all living beings on earth. Even bacteria communicate with each other using certain chemicals. They tell their neighbors in the microbial colony what is going on outside their population. How is it with food, with oxygen, with enemy bacteria and viruses, and in general ... is there life behind a Petri dish.

In psychology, there is a lot of talk about messages - "mutual strokes." These are situations when we tell each other that we are pleasant and accepted by each other. It's like mutual complements, but in everyday life such positive support is less noticeable and occurs almost automatically. We like a person, we send him signals that he is OK, and he returns the same to us.

But people not only praise each other. Many things in relationships and interactions are OK and many are not. So, an equally integral part of psychological interactions is telling others that you do not feel good in a relationship. By the way, this is also important. Everyone has mirror neurons that determine the ability to empathize, but empathy is still largely a matter of imagination. People take into account what their own experience tells them. As a result, they can do with others as the content of their psyche dictates to them. It is far from a fact that others want exactly what we think we would like in their place. Thus, it is very useful to communicate in words that I am not well, I don’t want it this way, but I want it differently. In fact, to inform the opponent that his behavior is undesirable.

Another point that is necessary in a relationship is the opportunity to communicate your point of view, to tell how you see this or that situation. So to speak, check the maps of the world. Do you see what I see? Are we talking about the same thing or different things? The vision of situations may differ. The existence of one point of view may negate another, making it automatically wrong.

Actually, these two types of communication form the basis of criticism. Naturally, everyone can say this in different ways and for different purposes. In this regard, there are such types of criticism:

1. Constructive when messages are intended to improve the existing state of affairs, improve relationships, understand each other better. At the same time, the person who criticizes:

Kindly disposed.
- does not cross social boundaries
- does not get into the personal space of the criticized
- interested in developing some new solution
- ready to give up their positions for the sake of consensus
- does it in a timely manner, i.e. when a fix is possible
- can clearly explain what he wants.

2. Non-constructive criticism is associated with situations where it is useless. It can be given:

It's too late (you should have done...)
- an incompetent person (if I were a pilot ...)
- not applicable to a specific situation (what to do with a noisy child, without knowing why the child is noisy)
- the meaning of criticism contradicts the desire of the criticized (I need to buy not apples, but pears. What should I do if I want pears?)
- based on someone else's experience, the value of which is doubtful (here is my great-grandfather in 1812 ...)

3. Destructive criticism, in fact, is not criticism, but a form of aggression. No one seeks any consensus, but satisfies their emotional needs by unleashing all sorts of negativity on the criticized. Or in this case, criticism is used as a tool of manipulation. The main message of such criticism is to lower the opponent at least one step lower and win due to this. Get the other to do what the critic wants. And if you don’t force them to do it, then at least make the criticized feel guilty and ashamed.

At the same time, the critic usually cannot properly explain what he does not like specifically, what needs to be done to like it (“kill yourself against the wall” and absurd remarks do not count). His criticism sounds like an order and an insult. Such criticism is often based on an assessment of the personality of the criticized.

Not necessarily destructive criticism - it's op and swearing. More often than not, everything goes quite calmly and even disguised as good intentions. Such destructive criticisms are masked in order to reduce the victim's ability to defend himself or to somehow improve and be better. Consensus and precise instructions are not included in the plans, because they make it pointless to pour negative emotions onto the victim.

For example, unsolicited advice is very often actually destructive criticism. A mother-in-law, eating a daughter-in-law's cake, may give the phrase "if you want to bake a really good cake, then you need to buy better quality products." This often implies that "the cake that you pretend to call good sucks because you put all kinds of rubbish in it", which means "you are a trashy hostess." Such criticism is very often disguised as a wish for good, but in fact such critics care very little about what kind of cake comes out next.

The second variant of disguised destructive criticism is "critical IMHO". People express their negative assessment of anything as an axiom. Because that's how they see it. They refuse to discuss or somehow enter into a discussion about what they do not like. The main idea is that they can just say any kind of nasty things in any form, and others should listen to it. Moreover, gratitude and appreciation are expected for every tub of dirt they pour on the criticized.

Again, a lot comes from childhood. Often criticism from parents is just unconstructive, but rather manipulative. They try to induce feelings of guilt and shame in the child. After the child, this is presented as a manifestation of love. After all, if you do not criticize, then a person will not grow out of a child. If they criticize, then they love, then they don’t give a damn about you. If no one criticizes you, then no one needs you. The harsher the criticism, the more useful it is. Everyone should endure criticism, because it is "for good"

Based on this, there are several myths about criticism and its significance in life:

1. Only insecure wimps don't like criticism.. In fact, among the streams of criticism towards any person, the most part is occupied by non-constructive and destructive criticism. For what purpose should these types of criticism be loved and tolerated? They are of little use in life. In addition to unpleasant emotions from the invasion of borders, a person receives nothing. In this case, a weakling can be called a person who does not protect himself from the flow of useless critical information, does not say “no” to “evil critics”.

2. Critical people always give a person the opportunity to see themselves from the other side.. In fact, critics have a very specific and far from unbiased view. Often they simply project their problems onto others. Information about the inner world and inner conflicts criticism is completely useless to most people.

3. People around you know more about you, so you need to listen to what they tell you.. This statement resonates with number 2. And even if they do know more, it is not at all necessary that their opinion about what they know will turn out to be correct and necessary.

4. If you said "A", be prepared to be stoned for it.. Many believe that your every act unties the hands of others for any kind of aggression. It's like "I went out in a short skirt, don't complain about being raped, I wanted to." If you posted photos, get a tub of brown "IMHO" in the face. Wrote about something personal in the diary, be prepared to mix your personality with dirt.

5. If I want good for a person (even theoretically), then I can not restrain myself. "Good" is a very loose concept. Not all good things are needed.

6. If you are criticized, they want you well.

7. Without criticism, you cannot become better than you are now.. And if you refuse to listen to critical remarks in your address, then people will stop loving you.

Why do critics do this? One of the most serious factors pushing destructive criticism and part of non-constructive criticism is the presence of an inflated self. “I” is very important, “my opinion is very important” for everyone, it cannot be disputed. If you say that my opinion is not important to you, then I can stop loving you (I will defrown you!). You can't think of anything worse than this. And I will never tell you my opinion again. It's like an anathema.

Another reason, no less significant, is the very childhood habits associated with criticism. People sometimes just do not think of other relationships, friendship and love. That is, how, that's all, and without criticism? What to talk about? How to take care of friends, loved ones, relatives?

Another important reason is that people do not know how to cope with their negative emotions, let them go in the right direction without dumping them on others, raise their self-esteem by working on themselves, and not by humiliating others.

And of course, not only critics play a role in this phenomenon. Not only the content is important, but also its perception.