Tips for maintaining a strong marriage. Practical psychology: how to save a marriage. If the husband drinks

When getting married, any man wants to save the relationship. But life turns out to be unpredictable - many families break up without passing the test of time and life. And who is to blame for this? Is it just one person? To be honest, the husband has a big responsibility. The wife deserves special treatment.

Rogers is not a certified expert, but 16 years of marriage give him the opportunity to realize all his mistakes. Now he advises not to repeat his negative experience.

Don't stop courting. Married men feel that their task of winning a woman is over. You should never assume that a woman is a prize won. When we ask her to marry us, we are meant to be the owner of her heart and protector of her feelings. This is the most sacred treasure that we have inherited in life. Don't forget - she chose us. Always remember this and do not be lazy in expressing your feelings for your beloved.

Protect your heart. It is not enough to be the protector of a woman's heart, one must also keep one's own, showing vigilance in this matter. It is worth loving yourself, being open to the world around you, but at the same time keeping a special place in your soul. There should be no access to anyone except the wife. Let the heart for her always be open, and only for her.

Fall in love again and again. We will constantly change, tomorrow we will become different, not the same as we were yesterday. Moreover, spouses who have lived together for years also change. You have to be prepared for changes to come. Based on this, you will have to choose each other anew every day. And the chosen one should not just be there, her heart must be won every time, as in the first. If this is not done, she will give her heart to another, and it will be difficult to return her beloved. The advice is simple - to fight for your love every day in marriage, as well as during courtship.

See only the best in her. It is worth focusing on what you love about her and constantly pushing those boundaries. If you think only about her shortcomings, then this will turn into only irritation. The focus is exclusively on love, if it does not help, then it redeems in this bright feeling. Seeing what you love this person for, you can become the happiest person on the planet who has such a wonderful wife.

It is not our task to change it. The husband's task is to love her for who she is, without expecting or demanding changes from her. If this still happened, then you need to love the woman the way she has become. And this is also part of a responsible relationship.

Take full responsibility for your feelings. It should be understood that it is not the task of the wife to make you happy or sad. We ourselves are responsible for this, the joy born inside us will result in harmonious relationships and love.

Never blame your wife for being angry or upset. We get angry, and it seems to us that the wife is to blame for all the problems? But these are our feelings and our responsibility for them. When there is a feeling that anger is starting to show up, you need to quickly look at yourself from the outside and find ways to suppress anger. After all, once this woman attracted us to herself, which means that it is she who is the person who is best suited to heal childhood traumas. And when we learn how to heal them together, they will stop bothering us, only bewilderment from past behavior will remain.

Let the woman just be herself. When she's upset or sad, it's not our job to fix it. A man must support the chosen one and let her know that nothing terrible has happened and that he is next to her. It is important that a woman understands that she is being heard, that she is important to her husband. He must remain someone you can always rely on. The female soul is full of emotions, everything changes quickly. Some feelings go away, they are replaced by others. But she will trust a strong and impartial partner and open her whole soul. Don't turn away and run away when she's upset. Be strong and make it clear you're not going anywhere. And it is worth listening to what is actually behind the words and emotions.

Be stupid. Don't be too serious all the time. Unleash your laughter and teach your loved one to do it. Fun makes life easier. Just do not overdo it in this field.

Fill her soul every day. You need to learn the language of her love and those small features that she considers important. A man should make a list of things that make his wife feel loved. And then they should be remembered and given priority every day. Let her feel like a princess, every day of which is like a small holiday.

Be there. You need to give your wife not only your time, but also your attention. Let the head be freed from its own affairs and routine during the moments of communication. Give yourself completely to her, showing that her problems are the most important thing. Your wife is the most important client in your life, and you should treat her that way.

Be ready to embrace her sexuality. A rude man who only wants to consume a woman's body is an option that should only be used occasionally. A woman wants us to penetrate into the very depths of her tender soul. Allow yourself to melt into her gentleness so that she can trust you completely.

Don't be an idiot. You can’t be a fool, but you can’t be afraid to get into ridiculous situations either. Nobody is immune from this. All of us make mistakes, both men and women. You just need to try to avoid serious mistakes, and if they do happen, then you need to learn from this experience. We cannot be perfect, but trying not to be stupid is quite real.

Give her personal space. Women share themselves so much and qualitatively that sometimes you need to remember about her development and personal space. Let her have the freedom and time to find herself and develop. It is worth letting a woman go for a while, and she will certainly return with fresh emotions and impressions. It is especially important to give her freedom when children appear in the family. She needs to stay a little in her personal world, find herself there. After all, in a vicious circle of serving children and her husband, a woman is gradually lost.

Be vulnerable. You can't always be as hard as flint. Sometimes you need to share your fears and feelings, quickly admit your mistakes.

Grow together. If the water in the pond will stand without movement, then it will be covered with mud. Yes, and human muscles atrophy if they are not worked on. All this has to do with relationships, which the same fate awaits if they are not developed. We need to find common goals, dreams and ideals and continue to work in this direction.

Don't think about money. Treat money like a game. We just need to find ways to work as a team to win such a prize. Scattered one by one you will not be able to win anything. It is worth finding ways to use the two sides of the force.

Forgive quickly. You can't let history take relationships hostage. It is worth learning to immediately forgive your beloved and focus on the future. This is much more constructive than dragging the past along with you. When we hold on to past mistakes, whether it’s ours or hers, our marriage is tied tightly to the past and doesn’t let us develop. Forgiveness is freedom. It is worth getting rid of such an anchor in favor of your love.

Always choose your love. This advice is the most important, in fact, it is the only one that must be followed. Let this principle be the main one in decision making, then there will be nothing in life that could put the marriage in jeopardy. Love is able to endure and endure adversity. Marriage is not a strip of continuous happiness, but painstaking work. With a willingness to grow together, constantly invest in building something, and you can endure for all eternity. Through such work, happiness will appear.

There are many reasons for this need. We will not touch on dangerous ones, such as: drunkenness, assault, drug or gambling addiction, etc. In such situations, the solution to the problem is long-term psychological work or divorce. Let's talk about simpler cases.

The most common reasons for divorce are:

Lack of attention. Lack of time for a partner and ignoring their needs can lead to discord.

Excessive control. Jealousy or overprotection also leads to unpleasant consequences.

Failure to fulfill any obligations. A classic example is a freeloader, a partner who diverts most of the resources to himself without compensating for it.

Routine. Young people after the wedding and the beginning of an independent life often think that the reason for their boredom is a partner.

Treason.

What to do with a lack of attention

Gary Chapman has a book called The Five Love Languages. It is about how people express feelings in different ways: someone - with words, someone - with touches, someone - with work from morning to night, in order to provide the family with the best. And not a coincidence in the expression leads to the fact that it seems to both spouses that they lack attention, and care is not appreciated. Therefore, if you are sure that your partner's love is not enough, do not rush. Perhaps this feeling arose due to a difference in perception. And if you talk to your spouse, the problem may smooth out.

There is another reason that also causes a feeling of constant lack of attention - its real lack. For example, a person needs a certain number of touches per day. But what if one has a history of violence and is afraid of being touched? Naturally, this situation will become the basis of many problems. Its cause, even if voiced, is rarely fully understood by both spouses, which leads to misunderstanding and tension. Although with proper psychological work, the problem can be solved.

Similarly, the impact of psychological abuse: emotional blackmail, psychological addiction or games, such as those described by Eric Berne in "Games People Play" and "Sex in Human Love". Such a relationship between parents leads to a misconception about love in a child. And having matured, he may begin to avoid intimacy, not giving the partner the necessary attention. Many hide their fear behind work by becoming workaholics. Some mask the same problem by avoiding a serious relationship. A person must cope with such a thing on his own, it is impossible to help him without his desire. So either consider this feature of the partner and endure, or get divorced.

What to do with excessive control

The problem of excessive control, although causing the most trouble to one, lies in both - more precisely, in their low self-esteem. It’s just that one person’s lack of self-confidence and their need is manifested in constant checks, while the other has permission to violate their internal boundaries.

The main tool is family therapy. If both really want to change something. Also, both need to develop as a person, find a business, success in which will help raise self-esteem.

What to do if you are tired of the routine

Now household chores are not as scary as they were 100 or 20 years ago, neither of the spouses needs to give up social life to do them. With an honest distribution of work, getting married, you are more likely to free up time for interesting things. If you're bored, you may be ignoring your needs or just not good at keeping yourself busy. And it's not about your partner, it's about you.

Those who complain about the routine should write on a piece of paper how they imagine life apart from their spouse. Compare the list with reality (for example, the need to earn money and standard household chores) and re-read it again. It may turn out that the matter is not in the partner, but you yourself are depriving yourself of interesting things, justifying yourself with your spouse or being afraid to defend your rights.

Part of the reason for this sense of routine is the unrealistic expectations that cinema instills: You expect to be entertained like a beautiful melodrama. Unfortunately, the main entertainer in your life is yourself.

How to save a family in case of infidelity

If the relationship is stable, and gives the necessary to both spouses, the appearance of a lover / mistress or a casual relationship is excluded. Not because of alcohol, not because "men (or women) are created that way." If betrayal has occurred, you need to look at who and what is missing. But be careful with the wording, do not ask questions like “what is wrong with me?”, In no case do not translate into a person. Because of the answer, you will most likely feel bad / oops, but will not come close to solving the problem. In addition, it is impossible and unnecessary to fully correspond to the desires and ideas of another person.

The reason always lies in both at once. Even in the most hopeless case. For example, there are people who cannot live with one woman. They, even after divorcing their wife and marrying a mistress, immediately look for a new mistress. But his women allow such behavior. By the way, with the type of men described above, you can either put up with it or get a divorce. After all, the root of their dissatisfaction is not in their loved ones, but in themselves.

Some justify trips to their mistress, so that their wife yells and saws. But for a normal person to only yell, he must have a clear feeling that he is not being heard. And attention to the requests of the wife would reduce the number of harsh sounds.

Women are more emotional. It is difficult for them to survive and forgive her husband, saving the family. Although for men, sex is more of a mechanical action, not much affecting the senses. But when a woman cheats, she is at least a little in love with a sexual partner.

Often the cause of a single misconduct on the part of both a man and a woman is a lack of warmth and approval. Of course, the problem of forgiveness in this case does not become less acute, but it is realistic to save the family. Unless, of course, the spouses do not create a guilt complex and remember each other's needs.

And when sex on the side constantly serves as a way of self-affirmation, it is wiser to let go of a partner.

Forgiveness in case of treason is a rather complicated process. Since the changer goes into the category of people who have lost confidence. And the person himself is usually humiliated by both the fact and the possible reaction of others. Existing feelings must be expressed. And it’s better to yell a few times than for the rest of your life, in any case, maliciously remind your partner of the fact. Usually a good help for a couple is the help of a psychologist.

How to keep a family on the brink of divorce: practical advice

Talk to your spouse

Most of the problems arise from a lack of trust, as well as from the inability to convey information to each other. If you want something or, on the contrary, do not want it, do not wait for your spouse to guess - say it yourself.

But it's important to get the information right. For example, shouting “you never give me anything, not even flowers!” will not lead to the appearance of roses in the house. But the phrase “I would be happy with flowers” has a chance of success.

Correct wording makes it easier to find out the causes of contention. Questions like “what’s wrong with me?”, even if they are answered with a sincere attempt to figure it out, leave an aftertaste of resentment. And the attitude of “what can I please you with” (combined with an open and calm manifestation of one’s desires) can lead to a gradual decrease in tension.

Try to exclude questions in communication with answers that imply insulting you or your partner. These include the familiar “Am I fat?” or worse, “do I look like a cow?” or “why couldn’t you be such an idiot?”. The simplest reaction to them will consistently lead to a quarrel, just because people rarely think about what they say.

Try to introduce a tradition in the family - at least once a week, take 10-15 minutes to listen to each other. In the process, just listen, without shrugging it off, without calling the partner’s problems and feelings nonsense, even mentally.

Learn Gratitude

Stop taking for granted the good things they do for you. Even if you got married or got married, the spouse is not obliged to do everything for your convenience and happiness. No one is obliged to provide you or wash the dishes for you, screw shelves or iron shirts. And if he does something, thank him and show that you noticed the efforts. Otherwise, there will be no point in trying.

Change yourself

This is not about the fact that you need to become such or such as they want to see you. If you want a stable and happy relationship, you first need to become yourself. Learn to understand what is important to you, what nourishes and pleases, what upsets you. Awareness of values and self-realization will allow you to be happy and decorate your life together.

In addition, we have unhealthy patterns left over from childhood. They can greatly interfere with building a family with a spouse. But only you can deal with them.

Contact a psychologist

If you are unable to establish a dialogue within the couple, contact a psychologist. Even individual work gives certain results, but it is better when both partners are interested in maintaining relationships and learn to understand and interact with the help of a third person.

The situation when parents are unhappy and consciously or unconsciously expose the child as the cause creates a guilt complex in the baby, which will determine a lot in his future life. To be happy or unhappy, to be together or apart - these are entirely your personal decisions. Don't shift the burden of responsibility onto your children. If you are close to divorce, it is difficult for them. So, your squabbles are tearing them in two.

Yes, it is important for any child to have both mom and dad nearby. The presence of both parents allows him to fully grow and develop. But only if the parents respect each other. And life, when the mother pours mud on the father, and he despises and ignores her, is more traumatic for the psyche than the absence of one of the parents when the second is calmer.

Usually the question of conservation "for the sake of children" arises:

When one spouse or both are accustomed to sacrificing themselves

The problem is that if there is a “victim”, then sooner or later a person will want to get something for her. Just imagine, a woman decided to "keep the family together for the sake of the children." But when life does not bring satisfaction, all that will support it is the feeling that it is good, since it has sacrificed a lot. Gradually, this feeling will begin to require external confirmation of her "goodness", she will unconsciously begin to extort recognition from others. This usually results in emotional blackmail of various kinds.

If you yourself or your partner are silent about the true reasons

And believe me, there will be no children in true motives. Someone will be afraid that without a second he will not have enough money, including for education. Someone likes a well-established life, and such a motive will allow you to keep the situation within a comfortable framework without recognizing the rightness of your partner and working on yourself. Etc.

Therefore, if the question arises about maintaining a relationship for the sake of a child, stop lying to yourself and to each other. If you have mutual respect, try to build relationships for the sake of yourself and general happiness. If there is no respect, do not torture yourself or the children, and also make contact - just at a greater distance.

In general, actions to preserve peace in families echo emergency measures. In any family, conversational skills and the frank expression of needs are useful. In any relationship, you need to change and step over your fears, learn to accept yourself and your loved one as he is. Everywhere you need the skill of maintaining internal boundaries and limiting a partner without insults or rejection. And these are not innate abilities, but skills that require improvement.

Be mindful of your appearance. Beauty is necessary for women and in itself. When a woman feels beautiful, and the mood is better, and kindness with affection gives more naturally. Take care of yourself. A figure, creams, masks, beautiful clothes - first of all for you, and only then - to please your husband.

Let's be alone. Any person needs solitude, and men, on average, are better at experiencing problems and fears alone. When there are serious problems, women need to speak up. And a man in a similar situation should first be silent and be alone. Therefore, the first 20-30 minutes after the husband returns from work, try not to touch him.

Be careful what you say to others about your husband. What you tell your loved ones will become the information on the basis of which they will judge. If you do not want relatives and friends to consider your half as a "bastard", while speaking out, keep respect for your partner.

Remember that you have a bad mood just like that. Not always, when you want to yell and blame everyone, these same ones are all to blame. Sometimes a bad mood is simply due to hormones. Consider this and in the heat of the moment be careful with words.

Listen to your wife. Many women think by talking. If you want your wife not to come up with nonsense, let her talk about feelings and thoughts to you from time to time. In fact, for a woman, the husband is the one with whom she is most open.

Praise her. Her self-esteem is highly dependent on your relationship. And if you call her clumsy, crooked, useless, stupid ... This is what you will get in the end. Give flowers, say directly that she is important to you - it pays off.

Protect. Never take the side of others in a conflict. You can tell in private that she is wrong and limit her in some way. But she needs to know that you won't hurt her.

When saving a family, the simplest preventive way to avoid family troubles in advance is a favorable choice of a future spouse, plus the possession of certain harmonious personal qualities in oneself (the ability to accept oneself and one's neighbor as they are; respect, responsiveness, sensitivity, attention, lack of selfish motives).

Alas, this is very rare, we get married and get married on a wave of love, which hides in our eyes the possible shortcomings of our soul mate, which later surface in a joint married life.

Family conflicts begin, sometimes from scratch, we begin to be jealous, hate, try to prove to our husband (wife) that we are right, and so on.

How to maintain relationships in the family: reasons for divorce

There are many reasons for family discord. We will not touch on the most dangerous and obvious ones: drunkenness, assault, addictions - drug, alcohol, gaming. With such initial problems, it may even be better to get a divorce, or to undergo long and tolerable treatment with a neurologist and a psychiatrist, undergo therapy with a psychoanalyst or a family psychologist.

Let's talk about traditional simple cases.

The most common reasons for divorce are:

Lack of attention. Lack of time for a partner, ignoring his needs can lead to discord in family relationships.
Excessive control. Jealousy or excessive guardianship similarly leads to unpleasant consequences.
Failure to fulfill any obligations. The partner draws on himself a lot of resources from the family, does not compensate for investments in him, like a "freeloader".
Routine. After the wedding, at the beginning of an independent life, it often seems to young people that the partner is the reason for their routine and boredom.
Change of spouses.

What to do with a lack of attention

The author of The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman, has this observation: people express feelings in different ways - someone with words, someone with touch, someone with work from morning to night, in order to provide the family with the best . And not a coincidence in the expression of feelings leads to the fact that it seems to both spouses that they definitely do not have enough attention, and the care coming from the partner is not appreciated.

Based on this, if you are sure that outgoing love from a partner is not enough for you, take your time. Maybe it's a difference in perception. Talk to your spouse, suddenly - the problem will subside.

Another reason that causes a feeling of constant lack of attention is its real lack. For example, one person needs a certain number of touches per day. And if a partner has a negative experience of violence in life, is he afraid of touching? Of course, this situation becomes the basis of many problems. Even if the reason is voiced, yet it is rarely realized by both spouses, this leads to misunderstanding and tension. Here you need a good job of a family or personality psychologist to solve the problem.

Psychological abuse has a similar effect. Rigid parents can instill in the child inadequate ideas about love. Having matured, he or she begins to avoid intimacy, cannot give enough attention to the partner. A considerable number of single people for this reason become workaholics, going headlong into work, study (devoting their lives to obtaining academic degrees).

It is impossible to help a person understand himself and establish relations with the opposite sex without his desire. If you got this kind of partner, take into account his features, endure, if you can’t endure at all, then get a divorce. However, it is up to you to decide, no one will make such decisions for you.

What to do with excessive control

The problem of excessive control delivers the greatest amount of trouble. Here the reason lies in low self-esteem. One partner is unsure of himself, he constantly checks the other, believing that his control is good (though it is not known to anyone - most likely to himself), while the other partner, after a while, wants to break the walls being erected over himself by another person.

This is where family therapy comes into play. True, both partners must want to change their lives for the better. Both need to develop as individuals, find an interesting and favorite thing. Self-esteem will soon become adequate.

What to do if the routine is exhausted

Currently, household chores no longer take as much time as 50-20 years ago. No need to give up an active social life. With an equal distribution of work, having created a family, you quickly free up time for interesting things in your life. If you are bored, you probably ignore the needs of your personality or do not know how to keep yourself busy. It may not be your partner, but you.

Those who complain of boredom and routine are advised to write down on a piece of paper how they imagine life apart from their spouse. Compare the list with reality (the need to earn money, do household chores take time?). Maybe it's not the partner? You yourself, do not deprive yourself of interesting things, justifying yourself with your spouse, or are you afraid to defend your rights.

Sometimes unrealistic expectations are to blame for the annoying boring routine of life. Maybe you think that you should be entertained like in a beautiful movie and serve everything on a silver platter?

How to save a family in case of infidelity

When the relationship is stable, they give the necessary to both spouses, the appearance of a lover or mistress is not expected. If treason has occurred, see who and what is missing. Be careful with the wording, do not ask yourself questions like “what is wrong with me?”, do not translate into a person. It will not give you anything but depression, the problem will not be solved. You understand that it is not necessary, and even impossible, to fully comply with the desires and ideas of another person.

The reason for the betrayal lies in both spouses. For example, there are people who cannot live with one woman all the time. They, having divorced their wife and married a mistress, after some time are looking for a new mistress. But women allow such behavior in men. If you have this type of man in your spouse, humble yourself or get a divorce. Because the root of their dissatisfaction is in themselves, not in you.

Some men justify going after mistresses by saying that their wife is nagging. Women are more emotional. It is difficult for women to survive, forgive the offense to her husband, saving the family. For men, sex is more mechanical, it may not involve feelings. When a woman cheats, she must be at least a little in love with her partner.

Often the reason for a casual relationship on the side of a man or woman is a lack of approval, warmth. The problem of forgiveness is no less acute here, but it is more realistic to save a family. If the spouses do not create a guilt complex and remember each other's needs.

In cases where connections on the side are permanent, serve as a way of self-affirmation for a partner, it is better to let him go.

Forgiveness in case of betrayal is a complex process. Because the cheater loses trust. The victim is humiliated by the very fact of betrayal and the reaction of others (the world is not without “good” people). Existing heavy feelings must be removed from the body, it is better to shout several times, cry, than until the end of your days, on occasion, remind your partner of the fact of past betrayal. The help of a psychologist is effective.

How to keep a family on the brink of divorce: practical advice

Talk to your spouse

Most of the problems arise due to lack of trust, inability to communicate information to each other. If you want something or, on the contrary, do not want it, do not wait for your spouse to guess - say it yourself.

It is important to correctly present information, to present. For example, the claim “you never give me anything, not even flowers!” will not lead to the appearance of a bouquet of roses in the house. But the phrase “I would be happy with flowers” has a chance of success.

Try to exclude questions in communication with answers that imply insulting you or your partner. These include the familiar “Am I fat?” or worse, “do I look like a cow?” or “why couldn’t you be such an idiot?”. The simplest reaction to them will consistently lead to a quarrel, only because people rarely think about what they say.

Learn Gratitude

Change yourself

In addition, we have unhealthy patterns left over from childhood. They can greatly interfere with building a family with a spouse. But only you can deal with them.

Contact a psychologist

Save the family for the sake of the children

Usually the question of conservation "for the sake of children" arises:

When one spouse or both are accustomed to sacrificing themselves

If you yourself or your partner are silent about the true reasons

How to keep peace in the family

Psychologist's advice to a wife and husband on how to save a family

Be aware of your appearance. Beauty is necessary for women and in itself. When a woman feels beautiful, and the mood is better, and kindness with affection gives more naturally. Take care of yourself. A figure, creams, masks, beautiful clothes - first of all for you, and only then - to please your husband.

Let's be alone. Any person needs solitude, and men, on average, are better at experiencing problems and fears alone. When there are serious problems, women need to speak up. And a man in a similar situation should first be silent and be alone. Therefore, the first 20-30 minutes after the husband returns from work, try not to touch him.

Be careful what you say to others about your husband. What you tell your loved ones will become the information on the basis of which they will judge. If you do not want relatives and friends to consider your half as a "bastard", while speaking out, keep respect for your partner.

Remember that you have a bad mood just like that. Not always, when you want to yell and blame everyone, these same ones are all to blame. Sometimes a bad mood is simply due to hormones. Consider this and in the heat of the moment be careful with words.

listen to your wife. Many women think by talking. If you want your wife not to come up with nonsense, let her talk about feelings and thoughts to you from time to time. In fact, for a woman, the husband is the one with whom she is most open.

Praise her. Her self-esteem is highly dependent on your relationship. And if you call her clumsy, crooked, useless, stupid ... This is what you will get in the end. Give flowers, say directly that she is important to you - it pays off.

Protect. Never take the side of others in a conflict. You can tell in private that she is wrong and limit her in some way. But she needs to know that you won't hurt her.

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It's no secret that women generally need a family more than men. Often a wife tolerates a walking and drinking husband, just to maintain the appearance of marriage. However, divorce is not uncommon. And often in this situation, the women themselves are to blame, who at one time did not show themselves in a critical situation or systematically made small, accumulated mistakes. Happy married wives give advice on how to create a strong family and maintain relationships with loved ones.

Respect your husband. Often women declare that they would be ready to respect their spouse if he deserved it. In fact, the second part of the statement is redundant here. It is important for any man to be respected. And the first person from whom he expects such an attitude is his wife. The idea that such respect must first be earned is a kind of trap. Any wife wants her chosen one to make exceptionally right decisions, which will become the basis of respect. But it is worth taking the truth face to face, a man is an ordinary person who, like everyone else, makes mistakes. It was this person that you once chose to be with him all your life. You entrusted him with the management of the family, and for this he deserves respect. It must be understood that the manifestation of such an attitude towards a man, even if he does not yet deserve it, will already motivate him to create moral capital. Do not pretend that he always makes the right choice, if it really is not. It is worth discussing all the differences, concretizing your claims. But this must be done, not blaming, but discussing, respecting the partner.

Save your heart. The expression “it is good where we are not” does not always work. A slender figure, a high salary, a cool car and a big house will not guarantee a woman's happiness. There are many people and things in the world that will constantly trumpet that there are options for a woman and better. But this is not true. In the life of each of us, there is always an internal struggle, we want the house to be bigger and the car more expensive. But relationships are not measured in squares and dollars. You need to protect yourself from people and things that say that a husband is not the best option, and life with another person could be better. There will always be someone stronger, brighter, richer. But we will never be satisfied even more if we do not learn to appreciate what is already here and now.

The correct order is God, husband, children. Such an arrangement of accents is not welcomed by women, especially mothers of children oppose it. But faith has always been in the first place for many people, God for them plays a decisive role in life. Yes, and the husband should be put in front of the children, despite all their beliefs. And it is worth maintaining such an emphasis until this person asks to put his interests above children's. Before takeoff, the flight attendant on the plane gives safety instructions. Among other things, it is said that first you need to put an oxygen mask on the mother, and then on the child. Does this mean that children are not so important? Not really! How can a mother help a child if she cannot breathe herself? A similar situation develops in marriage with the upbringing of children. If the relationship with your husband cracks, then you will not be able to successfully raise a child, and do not try. In due time, grown-up children will leave their father's house in order to fulfill their already dream. And if during all this time it was not possible to achieve mutual understanding with her husband, then the woman will remain virtually alone.

Forgive him. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. If you do not cultivate the habit of forgiving your husband for all his minor oversights, then irritation will only accumulate inside the woman. When it spills out, this energy will go to the destruction of relationships.

Communicate more. Many are embarrassed to talk about their feelings. It seems to a woman that a man should already understand the reasons for her rage. But it doesn't work. It’s just that men are completely different, they don’t understand and don’t feel what a woman lives with. Do not be shy to talk about it, even if the words are difficult. A reminder of your feelings and frankness will benefit the relationship.

Feel like you're on a date with him. Men, like women, are impossible to comprehend. So why not dedicate yourself to this deep pursuit? Don't stop studying your husband. And if there is no way to do it in a romantic setting, in a movie or in a restaurant by candlelight, then at least just spend time alone with him. For family relationships, this is important. It is not necessary at such moments to talk about money spending, about plans for tomorrow, about domestic problems or about children. The best topic is the future, why not plan your dream vacation together? The couple gets the opportunity to bond emotionally and learn something new about each other, even after several years of marriage.

Don't threaten him with divorce or leaving. Those who are going to use such weapons against their husbands should think again. First of all, threatening to break up is highly unfair. Those women who ruined their marriages with this technique eventually realized that they had nothing to be proud of. But it taught that blows "below the belt" in building relationships are clearly not the best helpers.

Learn the language of his love. Every person has their own love language. And the way love is perceived by a woman, a man can look completely different. Some people like verbal confessions, while others like small gifts. But whatever the love language of a man, it should certainly be learned and used.

Don't talk bad about him. This advice only seems simple, but it is not easy to follow it. A couple who are going through hard times and are waiting for more effective advice needs a visit to a psychologist. Often a woman has no shortage of advisers from among her relatives, but how objective are they? They will be guided by one-sided facts, wanting to side with the wife and generating negative feelings for the husband. And such advice will not stop until the family breaks up. It is worth defending his image in the eyes of others, and for advice, turn to those who are really objective. And the worst thing for a woman is that in such critical situations, the closest person, her mother, will be the worst adviser.

Always choose love. In family life, a moment inevitably comes when one morning you realize that you are no longer in love. And you still have to choose love. Yes, the husband will one day not look as attractive as he once did. And still you have to choose your love for him. After all, marriage is first and foremost a commitment. At the wedding, we promise to be next to each other in sorrow, and in joy, and in health, and in illness. These sacred words come from the heart. And we do not say "if suddenly there is sadness", but we say "in sadness and joy." There will certainly be sad moments in life, there is no escape from this. And love should be chosen from everything else and material, because it's worth it.

Divorce is the easiest way to resolve interpersonal problems that have been building up in a marriage for a long time. But what to do if it comes to a divorce in the family, but you still want to save the relationship?

To get started, decide what you really want: change the relationship and take it to the next level, or do it "the way it used to be."

If you are more attracted to the first option, then get ready for the fact that you may have to work alone and not wait for your husband to immediately meet you. It is a slow and difficult process, but always productive.

If you are attracted to the second option, then think about why you need “as before”? Such relationships have already led you to divorce once. To do as before means to secure your life from quarrel to quarrel.

We suggest that you focus all your efforts on the first option and try to do the best. And “as always” can be done without effort. If you are ready for the recovery process, then we are pleased to offer you a few steps to improve the relationship in your couple. In this case, it does not matter what exactly caused the crisis in the relationship: treason , early marriage, a clear lack of one of the partners (alcoholism), early years of marriage , crisis year.

1. Make an informed decision to keep your family together

Why would you want to save your marriage? Many couples divorce, even after making some attempt to save the marriage, because they do not fully understand why they need it. The most important motivation is often the fear of starting life in a new way - that there will be no more family. In other words, the fear that things will get worse. Not the most positive motivation to save a marriage, right?

Think about whether you have such fears? Or, more precisely, is this fear at the heart of the desire to save the marriage? Or do you want to restore relationships in the family, because you remember what you were like at the beginning of your married life, and admit that both are to blame for the fact that everything went wrong? Do you want to live happily and for a long time with this person, whatever he may be?

Create positive motivation - from the heart, speak it to yourself. Make sure you have the mental attitude that you want to save the marriage and you know why. After all, a lot depends on it. In moments when you want to leave forever, your will will show the right way.

2. Talk to your husband

Talk honestly and frankly about what you both do not like, about how you want your family to be. You can even write lists so you don't get off track or get personal. Make a promise to each other to work on what your partner has to say. Be sure to use the aquarium principle.

Aquarium principle: while the other partner is talking, you are silent, no matter how much you want to say something, ask, clarify something. You can take notes or write down questions (to ask them later when the partner has finished talking). Ask questions only to understand what to do for you.

Example: I want you to cook dinner for me.

Correctly: Do you want me to cook even when I work the night shift? (search for a solution)

Not properly: That is, you want me to work, cook food, and you sit at the computer for days?! (transition to emotions and swearing)

Following this principle and working on the relationship afterwards may be enough to restore the marriage. However, if you do not have the opportunity to have a normal conversation with your husband or the conversation does not end with anything useful, then read on and use another method.

3. Try to find your fault in what is happening.

When we don't get what we want in a relationship, the first thing we usually do is try to change the other. The crisis period in a relationship, when it comes to divorce, it's time to understand that this method does not work. Forced change is either impossible, or possible, but for a short time.

If you think that only you are right (and everything, of course, points to this!), try - if only as an experiment - to accept as correct what your husband tells you (“I don’t want to give you money because you don't cook"), and do as he asks. Try to make concessions first and do it sincerely, with a desire to help your husband improve and restore harmony in the family.

If you think that your husband does not fulfill men's duties (he earns little, does not fix anything in the house), maybe you do not fulfill your women's? If the husband drinks, but you want to save the marriage, then think about what he lacks in the relationship, why does he seek salvation in alcohol?

Yes, for many this method will be radical, but saving a marriage when divorce is just around the corner requires just such methods. If you try to change yourself, you will see that your husband will begin to change, understanding your desire to save the marriage and your sincere desire to give him love, no matter what happens. And if all your attempts are not heard, then you can leave with a clear conscience, without guilt and heaviness in your soul. You will learn your lessons in these relationships.

4. Define your responsibilities

The main part of family problems is solved by the correct arrangement of roles in the family and analysis of partners' expectations.

Answer your questions: how do you ideally want to see your husband? What do you think he should do to make you happy? Which one should you be in this case? How to behave towards him? What to do in the family? What do you I want to do and what are you doing now?

Check if the reality is not at odds with the correct behavior? If it diverges, then you need to either lower your expectations from your husband, or raise the bar for yourself.

Remember that you will not be able to do the same thing with your husband, because, as you know, equally charged particles always repel. If you both work, most likely, after work you just want to relax so that no one touches you.

Think about whether your work is worth the murdered family relationships? Of course, you should not immediately quit and devote yourself to the house, but if you understand the very system of difficulties in relationships, it will be easier for you to find a way out.

Of course, this is just an example, you have your own situation with a million details known only to you. But the rule is the same for everyone - all areas of family life must be “covered” by someone, someone must be responsible for them. At the same time, “answering” does not mean doing it alone, no matter how hard it may be.

For example, if you are responsible for cleaning, it just means that you must ensure cleanliness: clean yourself, ask your husband or child. But you should not think that someone will guess to remove it or read your thoughts. In the same way, this rule works in the other direction - with the husband.

Otherwise, there will be tension in the family, mutual reproaches, and as a result, great discord.

If you come to the conclusion that you don’t like some of your duties, and he doesn’t really like some of your husband’s duties, then most likely you did everything right. This means that you managed to change the usual comfortable picture that led to a divorce.

And the new is rarely immediately comfortable. You will get used to what gives strength to your husband to carry out his duties. In the same way, he will get used to it, seeing that his work to maintain relationships makes you happy in the family.

5. Do your duty, no matter what happens

Everyone knows that any relationship consists of "give" and "receive". During the period of falling in love, you want to give, then it becomes a habit, and in order to give the same amount, we need to receive more. The same processes take place on both sides. And everything comes to what you want to give only when a partner does something nice for you.

It turns out a kind of vicious circle, and both partners live according to the well-known principle “what, I also have to work for such a salary?”. But this principle didn’t save your relationship, you couldn’t change your partner, which means you need to change something.

Have you decided that it is your duty to prepare dinner for the arrival of your husband, and he comes sullen and from the threshold begins to swear for any reason? Does not matter cook dinner .

No one forces you in a smart apron to expose the other cheek to a blow and portray holy forbearance, but cook dinner and calmly leave the kitchen. He can't blame you for anything. And later, perhaps, he himself will come to his senses and begin to do what he must. Water wears away the stone.

This person can be a parent, relative, friend. If you have a believing family, you can use the help of a priest or spiritual teacher. Or maybe you will find some knowledge that will tell you how everyone should behave so that the family is happy, and you will rely on it in daily relationships.

Live separately

Even if you decide to work hard to save your family, you still need time to calm your emotions, sort out your thoughts and, in a balanced state, begin to correct the mistakes of the past.

7. Always treat each other with respect

A crisis in a relationship entails long conversations about the shortcomings of a partner with close friends and relatives. As a result, along the chain, all of you and his environment will know what, to put it mildly, imperfect people both of you are. Deciding to be together, you considered each other ideals. So, you messed up next to each other. Thus, by insulting your husband, you insult yourself.

Also, sidelong glances or other people's direct involvement in your relationship is unlikely to do anything good for your marriage. The husband, having heard what words you called him and what you reproached him with, will lose the desire to save the marriage. Yes, and you will certainly be unpleasant to become the center of unflattering discussion and gossip.

But on the condition that everyone will fulfill their duties, and not follow how their other partner performs.

Of course, both partners should work to save the marriage, because the one-sided game is either too difficult or does not bring quick and desired results. But remember that even if the husband is not willing to cooperate in saving the marriage, you can try to change everything through your behavior and inspire your spouse. And you have every chance!

But if you fail, then there is no need to save such a marriage. And with your correct, fair and wise behavior, you will quickly “attract” into life someone who will truly appreciate you.

Lyubov SHCHEGOLKOVA