“Let's hit with a smile on infantilism and indifference! Orthodox psychologist and his clients Psychological assistance at the church on Semenovskaya

"Psychological service at the temple" - for many, this combination looks exotic. However, such a service has existed in Moscow for eight years already, and the flow of people who come to Orthodox psychologists for help is growing every year.
What kind of help are they looking for? Why are the sacraments of the Church not enough for them in the temple? How do priests relate to the activities of the service? These and other questions are answered by the head of the service, Orthodox psychologist Irina Nikolaevna MOSHKOVA.

To a psychologist or to confession?

How do you yourself feel, what is the attitude of the Church towards psychology?
- At the time when I was churching, the Church was just beginning to revive (it was about 1985-86) and had not yet determined its position on many issues of modern scientific knowledge. The attitude towards psychology then was wary or even negative - it was perceived as a pseudoscience. Then I was in a sense called to give up my profession.
Now the situation has changed. As is known, the Department of Psychology has been opened at the Russian Orthodox University of St. John the Theologian. Its dean, priest Andrey Lorgus, is a former graduate of the psychology faculty of Moscow State University. Students of the St. Tikhon Theological Institute come to us for practice. There is a specialty there - social pedagogy, which is unthinkable without taking into account age and family psychology.
At the Christmas readings there is a section "Christian Anthropology and Psychology", which brings together believing specialists. There are priests who have received a psychological education and combine it with their ministry. There is a positive experience of interaction between a priest and a psychologist.

Why does modern man need a psychologist? After all, they did without them before.
- We live in such a stormy rhythm that we often find ourselves unable to put the life of our soul in order. Our vanity, many concerns lead to the fact that we cannot think of anything, speak to the end, our thoughts just “jump” in our heads, feelings just flared up and have already gone out. We are in public all the time. At home, there are also no conditions for us to just be alone and somehow streamline our inner world. As soon as we retired, someone disturbed us again: the phone rings, the TV is on ... We talk in a hurry, communicate with anyone, do it without thinking, and then regret it. And this confusion, the chaos of experiences, events are intertwined in some kind of coma, a person feels bad, and he is unable to understand why.
The task of a psychologist is to help a person do the work of ordering his life. The initial dialogue often goes like this: a person tells something, cries, formulates his thoughts with difficulty, recalls childhood and at the same time talks about the present. And the psychologist must see a logical chain in all this mixed material and show the person the hidden motives of his behavior. After all, it often happens that we think one thing, say another, do a third, do not understand ourselves, do not see moments of contradiction. If we are talking about a family conflict, we need a person with whom the main characters could calmly, confidentially talk, think about their lives.

“Isn’t it enough to have a good friend for all this?”
- Still, special knowledge is needed here - for example, in developmental psychology. Because one thing is the problems of a preschooler, another thing is a teenager, or a young man, or a girl. A psychologist helps parents figure this out, especially since a teenager, for example, may not go to a consultation with his mother, and the relationship comes to a standstill.
A psychologist, knowing the laws of communication, is able to arrange a person for contact, build a conversation in such a way that a dialogue is obtained so that a person who suffers, gets sick, worries, is looking for a solution, can determine his main vital positions. A psychologist should be able to analyze the story, build a correct generalization. Not every person, not every friend is capable of this.
But there is an important factor: you need an Orthodox psychologist. It happens that in a critical situation a friend gives some advice not from the point of view of the Law of God, but from the point of view of common sense. Let's say a husband cheated on his wife. A woman is looking for compassion, talks about it with pain. And a friend or girlfriend says: "Come on, spit on him, change yourself! Live your life!"
On the one hand, this advice is given "as a consolation." On the other hand, what kind of advice! Often people come to us who not only talked with friends and girlfriends, but also consulted non-believing specialists and received similar recommendations. The person calmed down, began to follow these tips, and his own actions fell upon his conscience with new pain, completely unbearable. To the feeling that "I am the victim" was added the feeling that "I am the culprit." In this case, the situation becomes so confused, the person suffers, cries, he does not want to live, but he does not know what to do and how to behave.

- But if this is a believer, he probably needs to run to confession, and not to a psychologist?
- Actually, the meaning of our work with a person is to prepare him for communication with a priest. We do not in any way replace the priestly service, we simply help a person to complete this initial work of reflection on his own life, so that he finds the painful points of his own "I", which help him later to repent. As long as a person lives in the feeling of a "victim" and believes that it is not his fault that his life did not work out, but someone else (husband, parents or child), things will not work. A person will come to confession, but not with repentance, but with a desire to justify himself, cry into his vest and tell how evil and cruel everyone is around. The priest asks him: "Do you yourself understand that you are a sinner?" And a person suffers from resentment, he sincerely does not understand: but, in fact, what should he apologize for or repent of? Everyone should apologize to him! He cultivates in himself this resentment, claims and grumbling towards everyone around him.
Those. a person comes to the temple, but he is not ready for confession, he is not ready to change himself and his way of life. Our task is to help a person come to this point of view, save him from the feeling of a "victim" and show that in fact he himself is responsible for his life, that the impasse or crisis in which he has fallen is the result of his own choice.
A priest can very seriously reprimand such an "offended" person, who is not ready for confession, saying: "What are you doing here, distracting? Look how many people are behind you!" And it happens that this causes such a stupor in the future - a person will no longer take a step towards the temple. His soul hurts, he cannot tell it, he has no feeling of guilt, there is no understanding of how to live on with this pain either. And the person begins to "swallow air."
At this moment, if the priest does not help, and the Orthodox psychologist does not meet on the way, they will go to psychics, sorcerers, according to the announcements: "I will open - I will bewitch", "I will return my beloved" - please, any illness will be healed ...

- I.e. Is a psychologist's consultation a necessary measure to help people who become churchgoers?
- This is a feature of modern church life: a lot of people come to churches, the priests have a huge load. The contact of a parishioner with a priest at confession is extremely short - a few minutes, and the soul is overwhelmed with some feelings, thoughts, experiences ... Sometimes a priest, even in a few words, gives an instant assessment of a person's spiritual state. If a person arrives in a state of mental anguish, fatigue, despair, depression, the priest, sometimes, limiting himself to brief words, puts on an epitrachelion, reads a permissive prayer, realizing that it may be years and decades before the person returns to normal.
The priest calls on a person to begin independent work within himself, to make some efforts: "Pray, humble yourself, endure, go towards the person who is at enmity against you." But in practice this is difficult to do. When a person comes across dislike, misunderstanding, hostility, he quickly despairs, is offended, and after two or three unsuccessful attempts to normalize relations, he loses the feeling that it is expedient, that it is worth straining so much.

How can a psychologist help in this case?
- On the one hand - to listen, to understand. This requires, of course, the deepest sympathy, trust, sympathy for the interlocutor, whatever he may be. He may smell of fumes, he may be a man with a torn psyche, taking handfuls of medicine, he may already have made several suicide attempts, etc. - We must be able to build contact with him.
And the second, very important part is the ability to strengthen a person, support and bring him out of the state of loss, bitterness, crushing, the feeling of "victim". You need to be able to delicately show him that in fact no one else, namely he himself, in many respects confused this situation or led it to such a dramatic development, suggest why the efforts made do not bring results and what other opportunities there are to correct the situation.

- It turns out that a psychologist is needed very often. And when is it not needed?
- When a person already clearly understands the purpose and meaning of his life, when he has already understood the tasks of salvation and is already working on the correction of his own soul. In this case, even if he has serious problems, the confessor's advice, blessings, support, regular confession, and communion are enough for him.

- Does it happen that the priest himself sends a person to you?
- With the blessing of the priest, people constantly come to us with various family problems. Quite recently, for example, a priest sent a mother of many children to us - she has eight children. There, parents have their own complex relationships with each child and between the children themselves, so I had to draw a whole diagram in order to understand all this and keep it in my memory ...
There are situations even more unexpected. This is not the first time that clergy have turned to us for advice on raising children. Such cases have already accumulated enough for eight years of work. A priest who conducts a great pastoral activity in his own family turns out to be excluded from the process of raising a child. He may be present at home, but not find any spiritual strength in order to draw, take a walk, play sports with him. So it turns out that "a shoemaker without shoes": sometimes it turns out to be easier to instruct and guide spiritual children than to establish contact with one's own - even the only - child.

Diseases of the century

Do people come to you with a disturbed psyche?
- Yes. Moreover, one employee of our service is a psychotherapist, a medical psychologist. He is more likely than others to accept people who have mental health problems. Among them there are also alcoholics who with great difficulty get out of binge or just started drinking under the influence of some circumstances; and people in depression, because depression has become the disease of the century - a person of absolutely any age can suffer from it.

Why has depression become so common?
- This is a natural consequence of godlessness, which in crisis situations gives rise to a sense of hopelessness. A believing person understands that what is impossible for man is possible for God; through tearful prayer, combined with heartfelt petition, the Lord can miraculously arrange my life and the life of my loved ones. In an unbelieving person, despondency often leads to despair - a state when a person stops fighting for himself.
I have seen young people aged 23-25 ​​in a state of severe depression, when an objectively healthy person turns into a "living corpse". He can lie on the bed for days or freeze in one position, he may experience muscle spasms, cramps of the limbs. Bitterness, resentment, his own pride close him in, bring him to such a state when he has no thoughts, no feelings, no desires. It is extremely difficult to convince such a person to be treated. He does not consider himself sick, he does not analyze himself at all at this moment, he just stares blankly at one point. These are the very cases when priests say: nothing will help if the Lord Himself does not intervene in the life of this person, if something does not happen, some kind of cataclysm that will pull the person out of the situation of the "living dead".

- What real psychological problems can lead to mental illness?
- Sometimes it happens that a person suffers some kind of humiliation, reproach for a long time, he submits to people who constantly neglect him or encroach on his honor and dignity. A person who loses his own dignity, driven to a certain point of despair, can either commit suicide, or kill his rapist, despite the fact that he is a close relative, or destroy his mental health.
In my practice, I have to deal with women who endure the most severe beatings from their husbands. A drunken husband is swaggering or cheating on her, and in front of her eyes, bringing his wife to a state of extreme, ultimate humiliation. If a wife has some kind of Christian feelings added to these sufferings, she says: “What should I do? After all, this is the law: you are treated the way you allow. A person suffers, but these sufferings are not saving, they lead to self-destruction - or to physical destruction. Depression of a clinical nature develops, hysteria or schizophrenia as chronic diseases. A person from an existing problem "goes into a disease."

- How do you determine where are the psychological problems, and where is the disease?
- A person may be sick now, but he wants to recover, or he seeks to normalize relations - this is an important criterion for the norm. Those. when there is so-called "criticism", there is an understanding of one's situation, a desire to improve the state of affairs. It is impossible to help a person who wants to live in his suffering and die with it, with a feeling of how bitterly and cruelly offended him. This is already a manifestation of the disease: he has become stagnant in this, there is no need in him to get out of an unfavorable situation.

Loneliness in the family

Your psychological counseling is family oriented. What family problems most often come to a psychologist?
- These are the problems of marital relations, and the problems of raising children. Very often women come with the same problem: a drinking husband. You can imagine what it means to live with a person who comes home drunk every day, swears, fights, yells at children, does nothing to help around the house and, on top of that, does not bring a salary. Now, unfortunately, there are a lot of such families.
Women who can't find a life partner come to us. Single women come in love with a married man. These relationships sometimes last for years. The constant struggle of a woman with herself takes away her strength, she begins to feel helpless, gets nervous, does not sleep at night, cannot work, begins to hate herself, but she cannot cope with the feeling.

- Can it be reversed somehow?
- Of course. Actually, for this we are working - so that a person finds the strength to analyze his life, look at himself as a Christian or a Christian, see his mistakes, mistakes, obsession with feeling sorry for himself.

But many today live with the conviction that if a "great feeling" overtook you, you can't do anything about it. From the point of view of an Orthodox psychologist, can a person control any of his feelings?
- Of course - if he is a person. In the state of the "individual" a person, as a rule, does not control himself, he lives and acts, guided by the movements of passions. Unfortunately, if we talk about modernity, many people in this state of the "individual" live and feel great, do not strive for anything else. Actually, only when a person begins to live with God, then with the help of God, he gradually masters himself, he can control his actions, his feelings and even his thoughts.

- Only women come to you? Or men too?
- Men come all the same much less often. Many men are convinced that turning to someone for advice is a sign of weakness. Therefore, if men turn to us, then, as a rule, these are young people who do not yet have a family and who just cannot create a family. Of course, family people also apply. In a modern family, a person very often feels lonely.
There is such a modern problem - just the scourge of many, many families. Parents come to counseling and say: "I can't do anything with my child, I can't handle it." And this child is sometimes four or six years old! They don't work anymore! The child is naughty, throws tantrums, stubborn. Parents begin to try different methods of subduing him. Then they appease him and allow everything. The child is playing even more. Then they take him with an iron fist: forbid sweets or walks, severely punish, etc. This also doesn't work. After that, parents resort to edification, begin to read morality - with citing the Holy Scriptures, if people are churched: "What kind of Christian are you?!. What kind of Christian are you?!." And this Christian, maybe seven years old at the most. It is clear that his soul is not yet in a state to comprehend itself from this point of view. And in response, the child sometimes commits more daring acts: he can throw everything, throw icons on the floor: “I won’t pray!”, “I won’t go to church with you!” And so on.
And here the real panic begins, because all the tried measures do not bring results. And parents do not see where they are wrong.

What do they most often get wrong?
- In choosing a position in relation to the child: they look at him simply as an object of education, considering that he belongs to them as a certain thing. But a child, after all, is not ours, he is God's, he is a gift of God, given to us for care, for transmitting a positive experience of life. Parents who live with the position "you are mine, I do whatever I want with you" do not take into account the fact that in front of them is not a toy, not a thing, but a living human soul that reacts to every parental word that can cry, maybe exhausted, may protest. The child's soul against dislike rises with all its might - up to the point that a real rebellion can manifest itself and the child can leave home.
Parents complain that their children are naughty, that they do not study well at school, that they conflict with teachers, walk until late in the evening, or sit at the computer for a long time. But, as a rule, behind this is a feeling of child orphanhood with living parents, when the situation in the house is such that no one needs a child. This is very relevant now, it is a very painful topic.

- What can a psychologist advise?
- Well, for example, just before our conversation, I had a conversation at the Tsaritsyno TsSO. The grandmother holds her grandson, who is only two years old, in her arms, and tells about him that the child is very nervous, afraid of everything, literally does not let her go. He has terrible diathesis, allergic reactions, bronchial asthma, he is constantly sick ... He also has a sister who is five or six years old, but who already has whims, scenes of jealousy towards this baby. It is clear that in this family there is something that hurts these children, leads them to neuropsychic overstrain.
It turns out that the mother gave birth to children without a husband, she has children, but there are no maternal feelings. She works from morning to evening to feed her family, leaving all the care of the children on the shoulders of her grandmother. Grandmother is forced to sit with the kids, but no matter how she caresses them or pampers them, it is impossible to replace the mother. I say: "And if the mother will work less?" Her: "You know, if she works less, she'll turn on the TV and watch it." Considering that her personal life failed, she regrets only herself.
Here is a typical picture of child orphanhood. And the grandmother is loaded beyond measure, such a double burden: pain for both her grandchildren and her daughter (because it turns out that she raised her poorly) - everything is woven together, this woman is constantly crying. Talking and crying.
After such a conversation, our task is to induce the grandmother to action, not just to lament, not just to tears, but to show her that - yes, it all happened so that now you can’t count on your own daughter. On the one hand, with the help of Sunday school, we can give grandmother an understanding of what a person is called to, how God intended him to be. On the other hand, grandmother needs an understanding that a new cross has been laid on her, for which she was not internally ready - neither spiritually nor psychologically. She must come to terms with the presence of this cross and fill the gap that her daughter created. The grandmother must find the meaning of life herself, and lead the children through life, at least at this first stage.
Experienced Sunday school teachers will help grandmother understand how to communicate with children so that they calm down, gain peace of mind, spiritually enlightened, and develop creatively. The most important thing is that through Sunday school the road to the temple opens, to the opportunity to participate in the sacraments. Moreover, it is important to overcome hatred, hostility towards the daughter. She needs loving patient care from her mother, a prayer for the salvation of her soul, so that she, as a person, does not completely collapse and nevertheless takes up the upbringing of children. And I am sure that if the grandmother dares to take such a step, by the end of the year there will already be positive changes in this house.
We see such grandmothers who raise grandchildren instead of their daughters all the time. Only in some cases, the mother can be suicidal, in others - to be in prison.

- Many people manage to really help - change the situation, find themselves, find their way to the temple?
- Of course! It is already impossible to count how many such people were in eight years of work. And sometimes nothing has even changed, the situation has remained as it was, but - a new understanding was born that I am not just a grain of sand in this situation, which does not mean anything, that I can change something with the help of God - and a person leaves grateful, calls after a while: "You know, I thought (or I thought) ... but let me try!" It costs a lot.

Interviewed by Inna KARPOVA

The oldest Center for Crisis Psychology, created with the blessing of Patriarch Alexy II 10 years ago, is located next to the Semenovskaya metro station, at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ. Highly professional Orthodox psychologists serve here, who have already helped thousands of people overcome such terrible, but, alas, typical phenomena of our time, such as divorces, separations, family crises and troubles. People come here in grief of losing loved ones, and when they learn about their own serious illness. People experience shock from physical or psychological violence, experience mental suffering associated with participation in hostilities, natural disasters, catastrophes, acts of terrorism, forced migration, hazing in the army, crimes against the person, experiencing post-traumatic stress disorders, etc. Here they help adults and children, members of any religious denominations, unbelievers, doubters and atheists. The main payment, remuneration for the assistance provided by the center's employees, is, according to the permanent head of the center M.I. Khasminsky, the joy that, with the help of Christ, you can see how a person overcomes hell inside himself, how his eyes become clearer, how a long-awaited sincere smile appears. We are talking with Mikhail Igorevich, editor-in-chief of the Russian Orthodox Psychology online journal, chief expert of the Survive! website group, member of the Russian Association of Oncopsychologists, compiler of a series of books for grief-stricken people, author of publications and interviews, and co-author of popular books on crisis psychology , many of which were translated and published in Serbian, English, Romanian, Chinese, Ukrainian, German, leading seminars and trainings on practical crisis and Orthodox psychology - about the rules of work of the center he leads, about the reasons why thousands of people come here, about male boys who cannot grow up, about the meaning of an honest and kind smile for a Christian, about the fact that being afraid of one’s opinion is by no means always a sign of Christian humility, and about many other things.

M.I. Khasminsky immediately said: “The provision of assistance in our center has nothing to do with the amount of donation (or its complete absence). If you have a difficult financial situation, then in no case should this stop you from receiving psychological help. The employees of the center first of all perceive their work as serving God, and not making money.”

When help is help

– Mikhail Igorevich, after ten years of work at the Center for Crisis Psychology, you probably feel like a squeezed lemon? So much horror falls on you and the specialists of the center every day! What keeps you going no matter what?

- Probably, first of all, these are the results of assistance. After all, to see that it has become easier for a person, that he has moved away from the edge, that he began to live, despite the most difficult crisis, you see, it is pleasant. In addition, for example, thanks to the work of the center, we even have several married couples. Once a young man, being in despair, being already close to suicide, went to our website Pobedish.ru. I read stories there, talked to other people, and then came for a consultation at our center. He came several times, met a girl who also had serious problems in her life. And in the end we got a wonderful couple, a family where everyone supports and loves each other, the baby is growing. Another girl came when her mother was dying. The prognosis was the most disappointing. I understood perfectly well that such a pure, smart, bright girl, who had no one except her dying mother, after her death would be extremely hard alone. And he introduced her to one of the activists of our anti-suicidal website Pobedish.ru. Once again, a wonderful union. I offhand named these couples, but there are others - they have become such “unrecorded” results of the work of the center.

“A very good side effect.”

– But we do not build our main ministry on this, of course. We still do not have a dating agency, although in principle even Orthodox dating clubs cannot boast of such results sometimes.

The roots of many problems are in infantilism

– Speaking of Orthodox dating clubs. What is your attitude towards them?

– It is clear that Orthodox Christians need to get acquainted somewhere, and such places should exist, but it seems to me that the mere fact of acquaintance is still not enough. It is better for the Orthodox to get acquainted with the Orthodox, in order to create Orthodox families, so such clubs are needed.

But it must be taken into account that often people come to them who in life experience great difficulties in communicating, in building communications with the outside world and people suffering from neuroses; there are also those who come to assert themselves, being in some kind of delusion, and even pride: “I am a special Orthodox, run around me, serve something special, something that corresponds to my special status.” Not all of them are ready to sacrifice for the sake of honest, serious relationships, but they are always ready to use what falls into their hands by itself. In addition, for example, if a person comes with psychological problems hoping to resolve them in such a society, but declaring that he wants to start a family, then most likely the problem will not go away, and may even intensify, like his own exaltation. That is, when in dating clubs it is not so much about getting to know each other as about trying to solve their own psychological problems, then this is not true.

- They are somehow interconnected - psychological problems and pride?

– Not always, but very often the psychological state is determined by the spiritual one. And this is not surprising, because the root cause is sin. At the very least, the sin committed is a common cause of mental disorder. Sin, after all, gives rise to pride, passions, experiences, which then manifest themselves in such psychological states.

- That is, there is often a relationship, but sometimes it is not visible at all? Sometimes it is very thin, and in some cases it is really missing?

- It cannot be said that only the spiritual state affects mental health. The mood of a person, his goals and objectives, maturity, responsibility, and sometimes his past experience, especially the ability to overcome some difficulties, to yield, also influences. Because, returning to the dating club, if a man is infantile, afraid of responsibility, then in general, what is the point for him to go to such clubs? He is still afraid of responsibility. He is not ready to responsibly start a family. Well, I met. They've known each other for years. They get to know everyone until they get to know everyone. It's not about dating at all, but about the fact that the man is infantile. He is still like a child.

- And now there are many such infantile uncles?

“Now there are a lot of them. What do you want? For a man to be responsible, he must learn to bear this responsibility from childhood. And if he is brought up, for example, in an incomplete family by one mother? If he does not see how an authoritative father should behave? Moreover, if everyone around him is jumping, pleasing him, shaking over him ... Those around him do not insist on the fulfillment of certain rules, commandments, and life according to them. In the family - the same as in the army: what could a spoiled conscript learn if, for example, he joins the army, and “grandfathers”, officers, ensigns with generals start jumping around him? Agree, he will not learn anything. The situation is absurd. But, unfortunately, it is repeated in many of our families.

Egocentrism looks exactly like this and brings up just such boys that neither the army nor the family can be proud of. Let's take a typical, blatant, in my opinion, everyday example: a bus in any city in central Russia. Who usually sits on the seats, and who stands next to them? That's right: children and men are sitting, and grandparents are standing. Children are not instilled with respect for age, adult men are allowed to feel small, weak and defenseless. This is very much and leads to family problems.

Infantilism is also very harmful in the Church: such a person goes to the Church not for the sake of searching for God, but to be controlled

In addition, this infantilism of a person greatly harms him in the Church. After all, it turns out that he goes to the Church not for the sake of searching for the meaning of life and God, but for the sake of being controlled, removing responsibility from him, because he himself has not learned to bear it. Can't take responsibility for his life. So he goes after every sneeze "to bless the priest." His father turns out to be in the role of a father, solves all the problems for him, and in the end this often leads to bad consequences.

– Is such a role not harmful for the priest himself?

Almost always harmful. But sometimes the priest cannot refuse this role, he is involved in it. This is because sometimes he cannot say: “You know, your question does not apply to spiritual life, so you decide for yourself.” If a priest has already been approached with a question, then he thinks that he must somehow help, participate. If you are approached with a question on the street, do you consider it your duty to somehow answer? And in the temple, too, the question is often asked in such a way that the priest is forced to answer. But not every priest can understand the psychological characteristics of a person, understand why this person has such a request, why, let's say, he comes at all. That is, it is such a complex, subtle issue - to separate the spiritual from the mental, the psychological from the mental. But this is a topic for a separate, complex and long discussion.

In our center, we do not provide spiritual support to people. We can only help to solve the psychological problem and refer to an experienced priest who will help solve the problem of a spiritual nature, but only together with the sufferer himself, if he wishes. It's like in a hospital: a neuropathologist cannot take on the duties of a surgeon, and a surgeon cannot take on the functions of an endocrinologist. They all work together and in severe cases hold a consultation. This is the most successful form of joint activity for the benefit of the patient. And the same is happening with us.

– But treatment often implies that the patient himself must not only realize his illness, but also work on its healing.

- Of course, this is true, because if a person does not want anything, if he just wants to come and find free ears, a free "vest", just complain so that he is heard, then there is little use. I always give consultations, which include some tasks. By the way a person solves them, it is clear that he, in fact, wants. If he wants some changes, he will work on the tasks, and you can already discuss with him what he is doing wrong, maybe something does not work out, but in any case, there is already something to discuss. And if he comes: “Oh, no, no, I’ll sit on the sidelines,” then all our “jumps” and “dances” will not help. In such cases, our communication does not go beyond one consultation. I don’t see the point in further work if a person doesn’t try, but just passively looks: here I am, and here are my problems, and I’ll see from the outside how you will solve them for me.

The best helper is the one who has experienced the same pain himself.

- Mikhail Igorevich, please explain how it turns out that people who feel bad, who seek help, who demand it, suddenly converge and get a good family. They help each other even when they are in difficult situations.

– Here is a direct parallel with the words of the Apostle Paul: “Having been tempted, I am able to help those who are tempted” (Heb. 2:18).

In serious crises, you can’t help formally, you can’t hide behind a diploma or a textbook

- I remember such a case: at one of the temples, a semblance of a crisis help center for addicts was opened, and a completely inexperienced young man conducted the reception. All this went on for two months, maybe three. In the end, he simply could not stand it, he ran away. The center has closed.

“After all, many experiences and sufferings, such as the death of a loved one, suicide, addiction, really rest on the spiritual state of those experiencing it, and it is necessary to give certain knowledge very unobtrusively, tactfully, technologically so that these people can get out of trouble. As far as addiction is concerned, we in our center do not deal with it in principle. The fact is that helping addicts is a rather specific area. And you can not be competent in everything. One must be able to choose a certain area for oneself and not try to embrace everything, because, as Kozma Prutkov said, “one cannot embrace the immensity.” We are not striving for this. We deal with crises.

And a person who deals with people with addictions in the temple must be very professionally competent, he must have the support of his colleagues, live a spiritual life. In the end, he must also understand what burnout is and be able to cope with it.

Professional burnout can occur in all people of the so-called "helping professions". They deal with it differently. And if a person didn’t think about it, didn’t understand it, then you look, and a lone rescuer was crushed by burnout, problems were crushed, demons were crushed.

On the "benefits" of consolation, humility and initiative

- Mikhail Igorevich, in one of your articles you stated: "Consolation is not always useful." How to understand it? It seems to be surprising to hear such harsh words from a psychologist, a Christian. Please explain.

- When people are comforted, the result is different. Someone is comforted, and then overcomes difficulties, gets out of them. You can compare this situation with a disease that a person, with the support of doctors, tries to overcome, and he recovers, is discharged healthy. It's fine. But there is another option, when the patient likes attention to himself so much that even the desire to recover disappears. These are the so-called and often unconscious secondary benefits. A person can, instead of getting out of the disease, seek more and more attention, encouragement, relationships that he receives due to his diseased condition. Then it is very difficult for him to get out of this situation. He is already so stuck in these benefits that he does not need a decision, he no longer wants to change anything in life in order to continue to receive his various benefits, which he does not want to give up at all.

- That is, here: “Hello, I am professionally poor. Sorry gentlemen?

– Yes, you can say that. Professionally poor, professionally unhappy, offended in his best feelings. By the way, this is very typical for infantile people. You can decide nothing, let people decide for you, and you are a sufferer, go with the flow and get your secondary benefits.

But maybe it's just humility?

– I’ll make a reservation right away that I won’t talk about monastic obedience – a truly Christian phenomenon and virtue – this is completely different, here I can’t even comment, since the monastic world is mysterious, special, and I don’t dare to judge it.

But if we talk about worldly passivity, then any inertia, laziness can be called "humility." Here a person does not go to do business, is afraid of difficulties, does not want to take responsibility, does not want to prove his point of view, is afraid to offer, afraid to defend - is this really humility? The apostles, the greatest fathers of the Church, were not afraid of anything and were enterprising, being deeply humble. They walked, they preached, they wrote, they helped, they were compassionate, they were in action! They had an idea and they had a ministry. As well as the sacrificial desire to sincerely carry what they had in abundance. His Holiness Patriarch Kirill constantly calls us to responsibility and initiative. See how much has been created, how much is being done! And without initiative, everything will turn into a swamp. Infantile, indecisive and cowardly is not capable of business.

As I understand it, humility is a sober vision of oneself, dispassion, peace in the soul, a desire to reveal the will of God about oneself. Is it possible to understand it with thoughts: “I don’t decide anything”, “As they bless me, it will be so”? A person gives up the initiative, deprives himself of the initiative, fearing even a hint of the existence of his point of view. This, according to spiritually experienced people, the holy fathers, is “humility”, the opposite of virtue. After all, God called every person from non-existence to existence, created him as a unique personality, endowed him with an eternal soul so that it would grow. And it is clear that a person in this should also have the desire to serve God, take the initiative, otherwise why does he need a person? In my opinion, it is scary when, out of laziness and fear, they hide behind such “humility”, which goes against conscience. Well, in the world this often, in my opinion, very often takes the form of simply disguised infantilism and unwillingness to think independently, defend one's values, take initiative, and take responsibility for one's life.

Now the initiative is very necessary. If there is an initiative, we will break through

For a strong homeland and an influential Orthodox Church to exist, there must be people with a creative, active soul who are willing and able to bear their burden, their cross, who are reasonable, cautious, know how and what to do, who are ready to defend the interests of the Fatherland and faith, then is to serve, and not just to work from "here to now", formally and exclusively according to instructions and "blessings". A healthy initiative is required from a person. Now we need an initiative in the state area, and absolutely in any. If there is an initiative, we will break through. Clever, of course, the initiative. Strategic thinking. Not "the main thing is that everything is fine in my yard, and then it's none of my business - decide for yourself." With all the desire, your yard cannot be made a closed space. The world must be considered as a whole. Even if you make everything beautiful and wonderful in your yard, flowers are everywhere, then some hooligans from a neighboring yard can trample them. Service is a sacrificial state when you give everything that is given to you, while remembering the reasoning, and then the Lord gives you even more.

– What is this initiative? Specifically, yours?

“We are working hard on suicide prevention. In all groups and commissions on this issue, the governments of all, probably, the regions have been holding seminars; I conduct seminars in dioceses on the psychological aspects of counseling; I am a member of the Public Councils of two power structures, where I also try to promote useful and necessary practical initiatives. Together with our colleagues, we support and develop the Perezhit.ru group of sites, where about 60,000 people visit every day. Yes, and there is much more, even the usual educational activities. I have no problems with initiatives and plans, but there are always difficulties with time.

Once again about love

If a person does not understand that love is sacrifice, he will certainly have problems in the family

- In my opinion, now it is necessary to engage in more educational programs, moreover, so that they are in a language understandable to modern people. After all, many simply do not know elementary things! For example, in student audiences, asking the question “What is love?” You almost never hear the right answer. Some kind of lowing begins: “This is such a feeling ...” And if tomorrow I have the same feeling for my neighbor? Will it be love? - Everyone laughs, seeing the inconsistency, but not realizing that love is not a feeling, but a sacrifice. But, unfortunately, it has passed away. And if this is not the case, if people have not realized this yet at school, they will inevitably face difficulties in the family in later life, because they do not understand the meaning of creating a family, nor that they should be sacrificial, nor the saving meaning of the word “sacrifice”. ". This means that conflicts will begin, and they, in turn, can lead to divorces in our time of simply unbridled pride. Divorces will lead to the fact that children will be brought up in single-parent families, which will lead to difficulties in creating happy families in the next generation. All this is deteriorating in progression, because there is no main thing, there is no foundation - the spiritual and moral foundation.

- And it turns out that we punish ourselves to the seventh knee?

- I was told that from five-ruble coins, if you put them one on top of the other on a flat surface, you can build "turrets" several meters high. And if the surface is uneven, then you yourself understand what happens. Here we have the same thing. If you put your life on an uneven foundation or if it is absent at all, then everything falls down, collapses. It is important to conduct educational work - not everyone will reach, but at least some will understand that there must be a foundation.

Life is cut short or mutilated because they do not understand its meaning.

- Now almost daily talk about new suicides. What caused this "epidemic" in our society?

- The reasons, if we do not touch on people with mental pathologies, affective states, are in a lack of understanding of the meaning of life, in the complete absence of moral standards, spiritual and moral understanding of the situation, etc. We encounter this very often in our center.

– Do the Orthodox, who have decided to take their own lives, also turn to you?!

- Orthodox - never! But here we must make a reservation: a truly Orthodox person is one who truly believes, lives by Christ. Because you can go to church, but at the same time not be Orthodox at all. No, by the way, Muslims are the same, suicidal. Quite often, Muslims come to us with the problem of experiencing the death of a loved one. With other problems, not suicidal, people of other confessions and faiths come. Once I even had a rabbi for a consultation.

And divorces for those who live the Christian life are much less, and they have much more children. Destructive behavior, again, is much less. Although the Orthodox also swear, no one is perfect, but they still swear to a much lesser extent.

When there is an understanding of why, for whom you live, what higher goal you have, a person is much more responsible for his life and for other people. Conflicts are perceived in a completely different way: as a reason for overcoming, and not for despair.

- There were. And a lot. How many in ten years, no one, of course, counted, but only in my memory there are hundreds of such stories. Literally last week, a couple came after several consultations - wonderful spouses - with the words: “Mikhail Igorevich, congratulations on your birthday and we want to thank you: we figured it out and realized that our problems are from the fact that we stopped trusting each other. Now we want to have another child: we think this will help the recovery of our relationship.”

- Is there a utilitarian attitude towards children here?

- Not here. But these spouses did not trust each other. The husband believed that the wife was not doing something, the wife - that the husband did not want a child. And this mutual distrust alienated them. It took several consultations to somehow bring them closer to each other and save the family.

To keep distance

– How do you withstand such a terrible load? After all, even listening to stories about all these blows and problems is already painful.

– In the same way as any professional traumatologist withstands it. If a person experiences acute pain, then for a specialist it should not be a personal pain, but the ability, opportunities, and most importantly, the desire to professionally help. A professional must be at a sufficiently safe distance, but at the same time one that allows him to help his neighbor.

Distance is needed to avoid burnout. It is not necessary to be both a doctor and a patient, and a "vest", and a friend of the patient in one person. You still need to understand that your role as a helper may be limited at some point: you are a rescuer, but you are not a Savior in order to resolve all issues once and for all.

- As far as I know, for some time the writer Yulia Voznesenskaya worked on the forums of the perejit.ru group of sites ...

- Yulia Nikolaevna Voznesenskaya is a wonderful writer, she was a moderator of several forums. Our "grandmother Julia", or, as she was called by her nickname, helped people who do not want to live, and people who are experiencing the death of loved ones. And she also wrote such special stories for us - the book Satisfy My Sorrows was formed from these stories. And I am especially pleased that she dedicated this book to my colleague and me.

– You yourself know very well that often the Orthodox Internet communication of brothers in faith comes down, to put it mildly, to a bazaar: they begin to condemn, hate, at best, teach each other, “brotherly”, of course. There is a constant desire for conflict. Your Expert Advice: How Can Christians Communicate Online?

– A very long time ago I participated in the work of one of the Orthodox Internet forums. After observing myself, my own behavior, as well as the reaction of other participants in the conversations to all sorts of topics that concern the Orthodox, I came to the conclusion that this is mostly empty chatter, even if it goes on a topic that seems very important today. I try very hard to avoid these disputes, and the condemnations associated with this format of communication. When there is nothing to do, then you begin to divide into groups, get into conflicts, etc. It's like dogs in the same team in the North running and barking among themselves. But this barking interferes with the movement!

We are all in the same harness of the Lord. And you need to spend your strength on moving towards Christ, and not on meaningless squabbles

We are all in the same team of the Lord: He has placed us in this way. And we should save our strength, direct it to the movement towards Christ, and not spend it on yapping.

Orthodox, smile!

- You can see right away that you know how to smile and love to smile. How useful is humor in crisis situations?

I think humor is essential. When I conduct seminars for specialists on the prevention of suicidal behavior, many say with a smile: “Listen, it's so funny with you. We will later tell that we were at a seminar on suicide and laughed ... "

I believe that just the basis, the presentation of material should not be some kind of gloomy "load". A modern person experiences great difficulties when he even hears hints of something serious - spirituality or the same suicides. So the person is arranged that he perceives complex information much harder. And when it is presented easily, understandably, accessible and interesting, information is absorbed in a completely different way. Let's take a look at the apostles. They, having come somewhere, did not stand on the podium, did not make speeches about difficult things. No one would understand them! And they knew how to easily and clearly talk about the important and complex.

I know people who came to faith thanks to a smile.

I know people who came to faith thanks to the smile, creation and light that real Christians, ordinary Orthodox people, brought. One family came to faith when their grandmother was ill. She had a stroke. And they ran into a Christian nurse in the hospital. She, of course, did not graduate from the seminary. And she was so selfless, treated them so kindly, supported them with a smile, while doing the hardest work, perceiving it as serving God, that two people who had not really thought about faith until then, said a friend to a friend: "We must go to the temple: there is a God." And then I already read what happened in a similar way with the apostles, with the first Christians, when the pagans looked at them and said: “Exactly, there is a God. See how they love each other."

Here again the question is about content and external form. And we in our center, on the sites, try to ensure that the content is exactly relevant. We have the same form. There is nowhere to take people. We don’t have chic offices, we don’t have some kind of super equipment, although, of course, it wouldn’t hurt. We have the main thing - superprofessionals. Our sites have an administrator - just a unique girl, herself a severely disabled person, but with her ministry she saved hundreds of people who came to sites and forums. After all, it happens like this: one person saves another person: let's say, he pulls him out of the water - and he fully deserves the title of hero; and here a person who cannot walk himself saves dozens - and no one knows about her. They only know the nickname: "Wave". And yet she lives alone! The Lord gives such amazing people who modestly, without exposing themselves, save dozens or even hundreds of souls from death and despair.

- Probably, the experience of your center is in great demand?

– Yes, both in the world and in the Church. I spend a lot of time on business trips, the employees of our center share their experience, participate in various programs. Of course, we also help methodically: people come to us from all over Russia. And most importantly: people see the benefits of our work. We work for God. And this is very happy.

Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky is a well-known Russian crisis psychologist, the initiator of organizing a special center in Moscow at the Church of the Resurrection of Christ (the area of ​​​​the Baumanskaya and Semenovskaya metro stations) and its leader.

Biography

Mikhail Igorevich, born in 1969. Married, has a son.

As for the profession, in the past - a police major. He received his education as a psychologist at the Academy of the Ministry of Internal Affairs of Russia. She has experience working with children with cancer.

Orthodox psychologist, initiator of the development of such a direction in modern psychology as psycho-oncology.

About the Center for Crisis Psychology

It is one of the earliest institutions of its kind. Created over 10 years ago. The crisis center employs the best Orthodox psychologists who help almost anyone who addresses any issue (problems in family relationships, fears and obsessive thoughts, violence, natural disasters, stress, and so on). Both adults and children, both believers (of different religious groups) and atheists are helped here.

The attitude of the staff towards everyone is equal, regardless of what fee the person who applied was able to allocate and whether he allocated at all.

According to crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky, the best reward for work is sincere gratitude and the shining eyes of the healed.

Activity

This outstanding person, in addition to his main activity, aimed at serving God through direct help to people, is also the author of many books, publications, and interviews.

Many of his articles are translated and published in English, Ukrainian, German, Romanian, Chinese and Serbian.

Conducts field seminars with practical work, teaches, promotes spiritual knowledge through the Internet space.

Professional interests

The activity of the psychologist Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky is aimed at providing:

1. Psychological assistance to adults who are experiencing separation or divorce from a loved one.
2. Rehabilitation assistance to those who are experiencing stress from the loss of a loved one (death).
3. Support for patients suffering from a somatic disease of a complex degree.
4. Help to prevent suicide through certain psychological work.
5. Victims in the territory of hostilities, natural disasters, terrorist acts.
6. Help for adults and children who have experienced an extreme psychotraumatic situation.

• work through Skype, promotion of information about spiritual values ​​through an Internet resource;
• organization of volunteer activities;
• implementation of work in the segment of the section of social psychology - the psychology of the crowd.

Books and publications

Each edition of the crisis psychologist Khasminsky Mikhail Igorevich is the stages of his formation as a person, an outstanding personality, a psychologist. And although some of them were written a long time ago, they are still relevant today, because they reflect the pressing issues of modern society.

About Mikhail Khasminsky's books by subject:

Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky about freedom

In the usual sense of the word, freedom means the absence of any limiting factors that can affect the decision-making, the performance of an action, and so on.

But a person lives in a social environment that periodically changes over the course of his life. And he would like to feel absolutely free from other people, their influences, but this cannot be until the end, since every human being is a part of society.

According to the psychologist Khasminsky, real freedom is freedom from attachments to money, power, and the opinions of others. That is, from the so-called passions in the Biblical scripture.

Real freedom comes to a person when he knows the truth that makes him free. And there can be only one dependence in life - from a loving Heavenly Father.

About infantilism

Also, according to Mikhail Khasminsky, in modern society there is a problem regarding the infantility of adults. Especially men.

There are several reasons for this. The very first and most important are single-parent families, where often sons are raised by their mother (and grandmothers). This is precisely what gives rise to the problem of the infantility of the growing boy. After all, responsibility must be learned from early childhood. Then every man will be mature and mature.

According to the psychologist, a simple method of observation helps to distinguish a truly adult person from an infantile one: if a person comes to a rehabilitation center (or church) as if for help, but does nothing, but only pours out mental problems and looks for someone take full responsibility for yourself and your life, then this is a clear sign of immaturity.

As a rule, the consultations are given certain tasks of a practical nature that must be completed. And when a person does something (even if it doesn’t work out very well), wants to really change, then you can help him, and this already speaks of some maturity.

Dear friends!

The author is the head of the Center for Crisis Psychology at the Patriarchal Metochion of the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya, Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky (more details can be found below), who has many years of practical experience in crisis and family psychology.

The cycle is designed for those who want to get married, who already have problems in marriage, who do not have normal relationships with loved ones, who have fallen into love addiction, as well as for those who want to understand exactly how to create a family in the future. relationships. The seminar will be of interest to those who are going through a period of separation or divorce.

In just a few months, you will learn the most important things for building or maintaining a family, make new friends, and gain invaluable experience. Important rules will be discussed in detail to prevent a relationship crisis and help to overcome it if it occurs, as well as interesting life situations will be analyzed. In addition to heartfelt conversations, there will be interesting tests, as well as practical tasks. The seminars will provide meaningful, specific advice and recommendations on a case-by-case basis. The listeners will receive answers to their questions and not only within the framework of the course, but also in individual consultations with the author of the seminars.

Seminars are built on the lecture part, trainings, various interesting tests, projective methods, analysis of specific situations and informal communication. For example, after the seminar there is always a traditional tea party with a discussion

Classes are fun, informative, not boring, and most importantly interesting.

Without what foundation the family will not be strong;

Who can be your soul mate

What is the difference between love and love addiction;

What is betrayal, jealousy, fear, guilt, and how to take them under control;

How to properly relate to feelings and emotions, what is their role in human life;

What is harmony, happiness in the family and how to achieve them;

How to survive separation and divorce;

How to overcome obsessive destructive thoughts;

How to forgive insults and avoid conflicts;

How not to get hit, and if you hit, how to get out of secondary benefits and imaginary dead ends;

What are the characteristics of the victim's behavior in the family,

What are the types of manipulation between husband and wife and ways to counter them;

How and where is it better to get acquainted to create a family;

Safe psychotherapeutic techniques for every day

Men and women of any age and religion (or lack thereof) are welcome.

People who are going through serious conflict in a relationship will benefit most from coming together rather than alone.

The number of participants is limited (maximum 17 people)

All the time the “Stop Rule” will apply - each of the participants has the right to tell something to the other members of the group solely at their own request.

Seminars will be held weekly on Wednesdays from 19.00 to 22.00 for 3 months

Registration fee per person for each lesson - 500 rubles.

Venue: Moscow, Semenovskaya metro station, Izmailovskoye shosse, 2 (500 m from Semenovskaya metro station)

You can sign up for a group, ask or clarify your questions by calling 8-909 978 5881.

As soon as the group is formed, you will be called back in advance and invited to the first lesson.

Waiting for you!

Reference: Mikhail Igorevich Khasminsky

Head of the Center for Crisis Psychology, created with the blessing of His Holiness Patriarch Alexy II at the Patriarchal Compound Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya in 2006.

Orthodox crisis psychologist. Editor-in-Chief of the online journal "Russian Orthodox Psychology". Editor-in-chief of the Memoriam.ru website.

Member of the Association of Oncopsychologists of Russia.

Leading expert of the portals of practical crisis Orthodox psychology memoriam.ru and boleem.com. perejit.ru, pobedish.ru vetkaivi.ru and other sites of the group (the total average attendance is 50,000 unique visitors daily). This group of sites is the main one in the direction of providing psychological assistance in the Russian-speaking segment of the Internet.

Co-author and author of more than 11 popular books, as well as many publications and interviews on Orthodox psychology. Compiler of a series of books for those experiencing grief. Many materials on crisis Orthodox psychology have been translated and published in English, Romanian, Chinese, Ukrainian, and German. The book "Siguran oslonac u crizi" was published in Serbian, consisting of articles, interviews and publications.

http://foma.ru/psycholog-v-hrame.html