We learn to resist someone else's aggression. Step by step. How to deal with verbal aggression
When we hear the word "violence", we first of all imagine an aggressive person using force on a weaker one. However, violence can manifest itself not only in the form of physical aggression, but also in the form of psychological pressure and coercion. And many psychologists are sure that emotional and verbal violence is much more dangerous for a person than physical, since it does not cripple the body, but the psyche and. A person who is regularly subjected to psychological violence gradually loses confidence in himself and his "I" and begins to live with the desires and attitudes of the aggressor, making efforts to achieve his goals.
Signs and types of psychological abuse
Psychological violence, unlike physical violence, is not always obvious, since it can manifest itself not only in the form of screaming, swearing and insults, but also in the form of subtle manipulation of a person’s emotions and feelings. In most cases, the goal of the one who uses psychological violence is to force the victim to change their behavior, opinion, decision and act as the aggressor-manipulator wants. However, it should be noted that there is a separate category of people who use psychological violence and pressure in order to morally break the victim and make her completely dependent on their will. To achieve their goal, the aggressors use the following types of psychological violence:
Protection from psychological abuse
Psychological pressure is easiest for people who do not have strong personal boundaries and do not know how to defend their own rights. Therefore, in order to protect yourself from psychological violence, you must first of all, designating for yourself your rights and obligations in each of the spheres of life. Next, you need to act according to the situation, depending on what type of psychological violence the aggressor uses.
Opposition to the lover to command
When faced with a commanding and ordering person, two questions need to be asked: “Am I obligated to follow this person’s orders?” and "What happens if I don't do what he wants?" If the answers to these questions are “No” and “Nothing bad for me,” then the self-proclaimed commander should be put in his place with something like this: “Why are you telling me what to do? It is not my duty to carry out your orders." Further orders and commands should simply be ignored.
Practical example: Employees A and B work in the same office in the same positions. Employee A regularly transfers part of his duties to employee B, without providing any counter services in return. In this case, the opposition to the aggressor will look like this:
A: You are just printing out something, well, print out my report, and then put it in a folder and take it to the accounting department.
B: Do I work here as your secretary? It is not my job to print your documents and deliver them anywhere. I've got a lot of work to do, so take care of your report yourself and don't distract me, please.
Protection from verbal aggression
The goal is to make the victim embarrassed, upset, stressed, start making excuses, etc. Therefore, the best defense against verbal aggression is not to live up to the aggressor's expectations and react in a completely different way from what he expects: to joke, remain indifferent or feel sorry for the offender. Also, an effective way to protect against such psychological violence is the method of "psychological aikido" developed by the famous psychologist M. Litvak. The essence of this method lies in the application of depreciation in any conflict situations - smoothing the conflict by agreeing with all the statements of the aggressor (as a psychiatrist agrees with everything that the patient tells him).
Practical example: The husband calls names and tries to humiliate his wife every time he is in a bad mood. Protection from psychological abuse in this case may be as follows:
M: You don't know anything at all! You are a disgusting hostess, you can’t even clean the house properly, there’s a feather lying around under the sofa!
Zh: Yes, I'm so clumsy, it's so hard for you with me! Surely you know how to clean better than me, so I will be grateful if you help me clean the house next time.
Confronting Ignorance
It is important to remember that intentional ignoring is always manipulation, so you should not give in to the pressure of the manipulator and try to appease him so that he changes his anger into mercy. A person who is inclined to be constantly offended and “turn on the ignore” in response to any actions that do not suit him needs to be made clear that playing silent is his right, but he will not achieve anything with his behavior.
Practical example: Two sisters live in the same apartment separately from their parents. The younger sister (M) has been used to manipulating her older sister (C) since childhood. In cases where M does not like something, she begins to deliberately ignore C and triple her boycott. Countering psychological pressure in such cases is as follows:
S: I'm leaving in a week for a business trip for two months.
S: This business trip is important for my career. And nothing will happen to you in these two months. You are not a small child - you will find something to entertain yourself with.
M: Does that mean? Then you're not my sister anymore and I'm not talking to you!
Confronting the psychological pressure of duty or guilt
Strong personal boundaries are a reliable defense against the pressure of feelings of guilt and duty. Knowing the boundaries of his rights and duties, a person can always determine what is not included in his duties. And if a person notices that his boundaries are being violated, he should directly inform the aggressor about the limits of his responsibility and duties and make it clear that the manipulation has failed.
Practical example: A single mother (M) is trying to forbid her adult daughter from leaving to work in another city, putting pressure on her sense of duty. The response in this case could be:
M: How can you leave me alone? I raised you, raised you, and now you want to leave? Children should be a support for parents in old age, and you are leaving me!
D: I'm not leaving you - I'll call you, come to visit and help you with money. Or do you want me to lose the opportunity to get a high-paying job and not be able to fulfill my dreams?
M: What are you talking about? Of course, I want the best for you, but I will feel bad without you!
D: Mom, you are an adult, and I believe that you can find many interesting activities for yourself. I promise that I will call you regularly and visit you often.
Confronting bullying
Hearing from a friend, relative or colleague phrases with the meaning "if you do not do something, then misfortune will happen in your life" or "if you do not change your behavior, then I will do something bad for you", you need to ask yourself a question whether the threat is real. In the case where intimidation or threats have no real basis, the blackmailer can be invited to bring his threat to life right now. If your life, health or well-being and you are sure that he can fulfill the threat, then it is best to record his words on a voice recorder or video camera and then contact the police.
Practical example: Employee A has not fulfilled his part of the project and is trying to intimidate employee B to do his job. To resist pressure in such cases, you can do this:
A: Why are you going to leave if the work on the project is not finished yet? If we don't finish today, your boss will fire you. Do you want to be unemployed?
B: I have done my part of the work. I don't think I'll get fired for not doing your job.
A: The boss doesn't care who does what. He wants a result. So help me if you don't want to be kicked out.
Q: Do you think? Why wait until tomorrow? Let's go to the boss right now and ask him to fire me for refusing to do your part of the job.
Many people are aware that psychological violence is used against them, but they do not dare to fight back for fear of spoiling relations with someone who likes to command, manipulate or insult. In such cases, you need to decide for yourself what exactly such relationships are valuable for and whether it is better not to communicate with an aggressive person at all than to regularly endure his insults and act to your detriment, succumbing to his blackmail and manipulation.
Hello dear friends!
Each of us faces in life sometimes not the most pleasant moments. The manifestation of human aggression sometimes reaches its climax and simply takes you by surprise.
Meeting face to face with a screaming individual that is trying to throw the contents of its head into your fresh ears, you can ask yourself: “What is going on with you ?!”. How to deal with an aggressive person? What should be avoided and what should be emphasized?
The level of general intensity of passions forces people to get rid of negative energy or overstrain, in a rather selfish way. Everyone is massively preoccupied with problems, not successful things at work, disasters in their personal lives and prices in stores.
Dissatisfaction, as if, envelops people from the inside and they carry it with them for a long time, confidently and without disentangling. But another or provocative situation removes the protective barrier somewhere in the depths of the brain and the person turns into an ill-mannered animal.
It waters everything and everyone with tons of formidable and far from friendly statements in order to feel lighter. Sometimes it can be associated with a short temper, lack of tact, and a sense of relevance.
It also happens that too long a stay in a state of neurosis or other illness provokes a two-legged resort to base ways to assert themselves and alleviate their "emotional torment". How to properly communicate with a person who is in a state of enslavement by aggression?
Simple tricks
Of course, it is damn difficult to conduct a dialogue with a person who does not control his own outbursts of anger. It takes a lot of patience and motivation.
And at the same time, there are some secrets, having learned which, you will be able to cope with the task more effectively and not take personally a portion of malicious sarcasm or irony, seasoned with a “kind” word.
1. Avoid fighting
Avoiding, I can really call one of the most effective ways to pacify both myself and a quick-tempered interlocutor.
Using it in practice and in everyday life, you, firstly, protect yourself from the flow of reciprocal "feelings" for which you may be ashamed in the future. And secondly, save yourself a couple of nerve cells, which will certainly come in handy in the near future.
As they say, you should not stoop to the level of a fool, otherwise he will simply crush you with his experience. A similar situation with . The more you give your emotions and energy to the battle, the more you immerse yourself in the proposed atmosphere.
Never respond with open anger to anger. This will inflame the general situation even more and then the situation may reach the point of assault.
Sometimes it’s not a stupid decision to run away if you bother to get into the eyes of a dangerous man with a knife in his hands on the street. You obviously won’t be able to convince him with shouting, arguments and eloquence, and it’s very easy to lose control in such a situation. Therefore, try to leave the danger zone.
2. Adjustment
I also want to mention the tactic of joining. If you find yourself in a life difficulty at work that includes an important person, such as a boss, then using " chameleon effect”, the chances of calming down with the help of such an action are doubled. What is the essence of tactics?
In no case should people who have fallen for the trick of aggression be brought to their senses with the words: “ Let's calm down!”, etc. This further divides you into two images: “overly calm, correct” and “crazy, rude, evil.”
Try to get yourself on the same wavelength as the screaming opponent. Continue the phrase in his style and intensity, after, gradually reduce the level to zero.
Using words spared, sarcasm and value judgments, you allegedly "sit down" in a boat with a person and together swim out at the mouth of a calm, measured river.
3. Self-control
As soon as you catch yourself thinking: How dare he talk to me like that! I need to prove myself right!”, then consider the battle lost! I suggest that you try to keep yourself in good shape with a correct and effective set.
It will allow you to put out your inner indignation and not lose your temper in order to disperse in the battle of two Egos. Use affirmations " I am calm, strong and restrained!», « I'm safe!". Remain calm and assure yourself that you will skillfully cope with the situation that has arisen, coming out of it as a winner, and not a “bazaar woman”.
4. Understand the motives for the incident
Ask yourself questions: Why is this person behaving like this with me?», « Why should my ears hear this text?". Cultivate the right response to anger by analyzing: What is the reason that a person who demonstrates aggression behaves this way? What really happened?».
Try to think objectively in your reflections. By understanding the motives of aggression, it will be easier for you to cope with the signals and interpret what you hear in a non-negative way.
It is possible that such behavior is caused by a completely different reason that has nothing to do with your personality. Without realizing this nuance, we often interpret what we hear at our own expense, which gives rise to aggression in response.
5. Correct body language in such cases
What actions to take next?
When you have fully focused on control, built the right protective affirmations and settled your body language, then the following advice from a psychologist will come in handy:
Try to figure everything out. Sometimes - to give advice, sometimes - just listen and give the person the opportunity to speak out on the case. Bring light and goodness to the masses! Only good can eradicate evil.
Friends, on this note, I have to put an end to it.
See you on the blog, bye bye!
As they say, you cannot live in society and be free from society. And we are all social people, meeting with a mass of other people every day. And every day we all have to deal with the issues of interaction with this mass of other people. And, preferably, such an interaction, after which you don’t feel like a “squeezed lemon”. One of the most common problems of such interaction is foreign aggression.
No one is immune from this, so everyone periodically has to wonder, how to resist someone else's aggression? How not to accept it or how to protect yourself from it?
What should be the position inside so that it simply does not occur to people (even the most notorious "louts") to cling to you and behave aggressively towards you?
Or, if you ask the question in a different way, how do people who rarely encounter the aggression of strangers differ from people who constantly experience its effects on themselves?
I'm not talking about those moments when you are carelessly hurt in line or on the subway, when a cashier who is tired during the day allows herself to talk to you in an annoyed tone, or a person causes aggression by accidentally stepping on his foot.
I am talking about those moments when people purposefully, with full awareness and understanding of what they are doing, behave aggressively towards other people, deliberately “rude”, speak out, push, in general, provoke a person to respond.
I’ll make a reservation right away that never, under any circumstances, aggression appears “just like that” out of the blue, there is always a reason for its appearance. It's just that often this reason is not visible to the naked eye, and a person himself may not realize that he himself is the provocateur of someone else's aggression.
In what form can someone else's aggression manifest itself:
- in the open. Everything is clear here, these are attacks from absolutely strangers, “rudeness” in transport and on the streets, “grandmothers-bulldozers” from the Soviet past, a neighbor - an aggressive drunkard, various kinds of people from the lower social stratum, people who are used to solving their problems in an aggressive way.
- Hidden. Often friends and girlfriends “on the rights of friendship” allow themselves aggression. All this is expressed in impartial statements, advice that was not asked for, in various kinds of “disservices”. And often this is not realized by the person - the aggressor. He is in full confidence that he is "helping" his friend. All kinds of remarks, statements, criticism, just clinging to a person, seasoned with sauce “I know better how you live and what to do”, and aimed at making the person comfortable with such a “friend”, and doing what he wants .
Also here can be attributed people who consider the rest of the "cattle" not worthy of attention. Such people always and everywhere behave like "kings", do not take into account other people's opinions, but they do this not in an open form, but showing with all their behavior. They just have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance.
In both cases, a person who has been subjected to someone else's aggression feels "drenched in slops", feels guilty for not being able to defend himself, feels humiliated, insulted, "unsettled".
Who are these people who constantly fall under the influence of foreign aggression? Or maybe not constantly, but periodically, and this complicates life.
Firstly, these are people who themselves have a lot of aggression inside, but who have prohibitions on its manifestation. A person realizes this aggression through the release of aggression from other people.
Here you can draw an analogy with people who are afraid of dogs. The dog feels this subconscious fear and bites or barks at just such a person. The same thing happens in the case of foreign aggression. The energy, internal state of a person is such that he “attracts” aggressors into his life. The people around feel, unmistakably single out the one who can be “naughty” by the position of the body, voice, facial expressions, appearance, demeanor, and so on.
Thus, life gives back. After all, people receive only what they have in themselves, but what they are afraid to admit, or what there are internal, very strong prohibitions.
Suppose a child grew up in an intelligent family, where it was impossible not only to show discontent, to look “wrongly”. And the educational process was aimed at suppressing the individual, all manifestations of discontent, up to a ban on being in a bad mood. This is just one of the examples.
Or families with fathers who are alcoholics, when children, under pain of physical violence, are afraid to anger their father. Imagine a child who grew up under conditions of constant physical abuse and moral humiliation. Such a child, due to his physical weakness in front of an older person, is simply forced to suppress the aggression inside.
Or a child grew up in a family where all problems were solved with the help of shouting, swearing, scolding. And even in adulthood, such a person experiences panic fear, panic, loss before talking in raised tones or rudeness. Up to various phobias.
Many examples can be given, but one thing unites such people.
These people are victims.
The aggressor needs to “drain” aggression, this is obvious, but only to the one who will NOT be able to respond. On the Victim, whose own aggression is suppressed. And since, as a rule, the aggressor inside himself is a Victim (the same suppressed one), he “feels” the same Victim in another person. And even if the Victim starts to “snarl”, then she will do it from the state of the Victim. And it will not lead to any positive result.
Secondly, people who attract aggressors suffer, most often, the so-called "Trauma of the rejected." These are people who themselves seem “too big” in this world, they try to take up as little space as possible in it, they are afraid to seem uncomfortable or interfere with someone. They just psychologically do not allow themselves too much, for example, a higher salary, a more convenient and comfortable place to work, a big house or a car. Liz Burbo talks about this injury in her book. Here's an excerpt:
Being rejected is a very deep trauma; the rejected feels it as a renunciation of his very essence, as a denial of his right to exist. Of all five traumas, the feeling of being rejected appears first, which means that the cause of such a trauma in the life of a person appears earlier than others.
A suitable example is an unwanted child who was born “by chance”. A striking case is a child of the wrong sex. There are many other reasons why a parent rejects their child. It often happens that the parent has no intention of rejecting the child, nevertheless, the child feels rejected for every, even petty, reason - after an offensive remark, or when one of the parents experiences anger, impatience, etc. If the wound not healed, it is very easy to stir it up. A person who feels rejected is biased. He interprets all events through the filters of his trauma, and the feeling of being rejected only intensifies.
From the day the baby feels rejected, it begins to develop a mask fugitive. This mask manifests itself physically in the form of an elusive physique, that is, a body (or body part) that seems to want to disappear. Narrow, compressed, it seems to be specially designed so that it is easier to slip away, take up less space, not be visible among others.
This body does not want to take up much space, it takes on the image of running away, escaping, and all its life it strives to take up as little space as possible. . When one sees a person who looks like an incorporeal ghost - "skin and bones" - one can expect with a high degree of certainty that he is suffering from a deep trauma of a rejected being.
A fugitive is a person who doubts his right to exist; it even seems that it is not fully embodied. Therefore, her body gives the impression of an unfinished, incomplete, consisting of fragments poorly fitted to each other. The left side of the face, for example, may differ markedly from the right, and this can be seen with the naked eye, there is no need to check with a ruler. When I talk about an “incomplete” body, I mean those parts of the body where whole pieces seem to be missing (buttocks, chest, chin, ankles are much smaller than calves, hollows in the back, chest, abdomen, etc. ),
Not to be present, so as not to suffer.
The first reaction of a human being who feels rejected is a desire to run away, slip away, disappear. The child who feels rejected and creates a runaway mask usually lives in an imaginary world. For this reason, he is most often intelligent, prudent, quiet and does not cause problems.
Alone, he amuses himself with his imaginary world and builds castles in the air. Such children invent many ways to run away from home; one of them is an expressed desire to go to school.
The fugitive prefers not to be attached to material things, because they can prevent him from running away when and where he pleases. It seems as if he really looks at everything material from the top down. He asks himself what he is doing on this planet; it is very hard for him to believe that he can be happy here.
The fugitive does not believe in his worth, he does not put himself in anything.
The fugitive seeks loneliness, solitude, because he is afraid of the attention of others - he does not know how to behave at the same time, it seems to him that his existence is too noticeable. And in the family, and in any group of people, he is stewed. He believes that he must endure the most unpleasant situations to the end, as if he has no right to fight back; in any case, he sees no options for salvation.The deeper the trauma of the rejected, the stronger he attracts to himself the circumstances in which he is rejected or himself rejects.
And when a person with a "trauma of the rejected" goes out into the street, he often becomes the object of aggression of others. Again, such a person is in the state of the Victim, and people simply “mirror” this state to him.
Thirdly, people who suppress retaliatory aggression in themselves, "swallow" someone else's, do not allow themselves to give an adequate rebuff to the aggressor, are often victims of point, not constant, sudden aggression. For example, many cannot give an adequate rebuff to the boss's aggression. What happens next? A person suppresses a reciprocal aggressive impulse in himself, but this impulse requires compensation, so a person can “break loose” on loved ones in order to compensate for aggression. The one on whom they “broke off” transmits this aggression further until this impulse reaches the source of aggression (that is, the boss). This is how it always happens.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. -Keene Hubbard
So, we decided who, most often, those people who constantly experience the action of someone else's aggression. Now the natural question is what to do about it.
How to resist someone else's aggression?
1. Understand yourself.
If a Victim “climbs” out of you - so obvious that it attracts aggressors, then you need to understand where this Victim came from. Whether you have “rejection trauma” or origins in your childhood, you need to understand exactly where you blocked your permission to respond and work in this direction. You need to understand that a person has the right to defend himself and respond to someone else's aggression. But it is more desirable to get rid of blockages and traumas, and then people will reflect your new attitude to you. How to do it?
2. Understand that someone else's aggression is not your problem.
These are the problems of the attacking aggressive person. It is HE who needs to “drain” aggression, and you just got in his way, and he wants to take advantage of this. And it is desirable to understand this not from the state of the Victim, but from the state of understanding that the “boor” is restless inside and he needs to put his spiritual excrement somewhere. And he is looking for such a "colostomy bag" in other people. Do you want to be a "colostomy bag"?
The mere understanding of this already contributes to separating you from the state of the Victim, which means it removes the aggressor's appetite for such “tasty” energy for him. After all, a person who behaves aggressively does it purposefully in order to receive the energy of attention directed at him. Separating your state from the state of the aggressor will allow you not to react too violently, which means not to let him recharge with your emotions.
3. Give an answer to the aggressor in an acceptable form.
This item disappears on its own when a person learns to be in a different internal state, the state of "boa constrictor". In the meantime, the recommendations are as follows.
If a person directs aggression at another, then he is subconsciously ready to receive it in response. Therefore, it is necessary to respond to aggression in any case, everywhere and always. Your self-esteem will thank you later. You need to respond to aggression with adequate aggression, you don’t even want to eat, even if it’s not typical for you, even if you know that you will lose time and effort in this conflict. Adequate rebuff consists in an immediate reaction aimed at showing that aggression has been noticed, and you will continue to rebuff if necessary: “Be careful”, “Be careful”, “Talk to me in a polite tone”, “You hurt me” , "Stop yelling at me", and so on. Moreover, this should not be said in a trembling voice, but in a calm, confident tone, if possible looking into the eyes. Show that you do not need conflict, but you can stand up for yourself. No need to be "rude", shout back, you will not achieve anything by this, you will only accept other people's rules of the game on a foreign field. But if a person takes the situation into his own hands, then he controls the situation, and not she manages it. By the way, if you do not answer anything, then this is the same as accepting someone else's rules of the game.
At the same time, the goal of retaliatory aggression is not to get satisfaction and win against the “loud”, to be cool and put him in his place. That is, the goal is not to win in "rudeness". The goal is to not be harmed by aggressive people, to remain inwardly calm and knowing that you were able to stand up for yourself. Do not feel like a "colopymium" afterwards.
All these recommendations are good when aggression directed at you suddenly overtakes you, you are not prepared for this, and you need to react quickly. But all your life you will not walk in a state of “combat readiness”, therefore, in principle, you need to achieve such an internal state when it simply does not occur to people to attack you out of the blue.
What needs to be done for this?
1. Learn to defend your boundaries.
Always and everywhere you need to learn to defend your boundaries. By analogy with the state. A normal state will always severely suppress attempts to violate its borders, both explicit and implicit. Only, unlike the state, the boundaries of a person are more easily controlled by him. And if the border of the state can still be violated and go unnoticed, then if the borders of a person are violated, our built-in self-esteem system will always signal this. This can manifest itself as anger, protest, irritation, for example, when loved ones get into your life without your permission, dissatisfaction is possible, and other manifestations expressed on an emotional level. Basically, everyone has experienced this.
Any person who has violated your boundaries should receive an adequate response. Even the closest people, parents, wives-husbands should know that you will not allow your boundaries to be violated. This does not mean that you should go into swearing and “rudeness”, or a disregard for the requests and criticism of relatives. You can always pick up words, not without reason Russian - great and powerful - and explain what you don't like, that without your permission they are trying to make you convenient for others.
2. Learn to be in a state of balance, calmness. In a "boa constriction" state.
This does not mean at all that if you have been subjected to aggressive attacks from another person, then you need to stand in "nirvana" and not react in any way. No, the state of balance means that even if you are silent in response to “rudeness”, not because you suppress aggression in yourself, but because it does not cling to you in any way, and it is so “indifferent” to this aggression that even too lazy to respond. But this is a reason to think, because, as I said, an aggressive impulse does not form out of the blue.
Usually, the internal state of calmness with unreasonable “rudeness” is violated, and if you swallow an insult or suppress reciprocal aggression in yourself, then the internal state of calmness will be violated even more. Therefore, you need to answer, but from a state of balance, NOT a Victim, NOT a “loud”, not because you need to answer, but only so that the aggressor would be silent, and “whatever it was.”
You need to learn to be in a state of "boa constrictor", which, in which case, can bite off your head. And if another person suddenly decides to “merge” aggression on you, then you will no longer be a “rabbit” who is afraid and cowardly. You will be at least an equal “boa constrictor”, and somewhere you will even surpass an aggressive person in terms of energy. And he will understand that you will not let yourself be offended, and will simply bypass you on the “tenth road”.
What NOT to do in case of someone else's aggression?
- "To be rude", to swear in response. The first place in the “rudeness” competition is far from the best prize. And yes, it is not environmentally friendly.
- Shut up and "swallow". In this case, consider that you yourself have made an energy breakdown. For a long time you will be indignant and swear “to yourself”, grind this situation inside, getting annoyed with yourself, and blame yourself for not repulsing the impudent one.
- Keep silent and internally "accept". In this case, you allow your boundaries to be violated by anyone who comes to mind. And it feels like you become a "colopyemnik" that anyone can use.
Once again, I want to repeat that never, under any circumstances, an aggressive impulse arises just like that. If aggression is directed at you, it means that you suppressed it inside instead of responding to it and compensating for this alien aggressive impulse.
And on the aggression suppressed inside, you “pulled” aggression from another person, in order to throw it out and not become a dump of complexes. We can say that this is how the “circle of aggression” works in nature. A person is forced to suppress aggression inside when he cannot give an adequate rebuff, when his boundaries are violated, when there are unprocessed injuries that need to be worked out.
Aggression is the only adequate reaction to one's own helplessness. – Baghdasaryan A
The ideal case for a person is in a “boa constrictor” state, so that it would not occur to others to direct their aggression against you.
Verbal aggression It is, unfortunately, quite common in our society. What is it? "aggression" speaks for itself. Aggression, whatever it may be, is a destructive, destructive phenomenon. The word "verbal" means that it is not explicit, but manifested psychologically, at the level of people's communication. Generally verbal aggression- this is the desire of one or more people to devalue and humiliate the feelings, achievements, dignity of another (others), condemnation and criticism, angry attacks against a weaker partner, denial of moral support.
What is verbal aggression?
Have you been rude in transport, answered incorrectly on the phone, taken your remark unkindly, served in the store with a disgruntled face? Consider yourself a victim of verbal abuse. And as a result, your mood is spoiled, you feel depressed, an unpleasant aftertaste in your soul. In addition, you may have resentment against the aggressor, indignation, anger, and even retaliatory aggression. If you succumb to all these manifestations of feelings, a conflict may arise that does not bode well for you personally. If you hide in your soul all your negative feelings that have arisen, not allowing them to splash out on the offender, they can begin to destroy you from the inside, which is also not good.
Let's consider another situation. Two close people are in close contact with each other, one of which clearly expresses its superiority, suppressing the psyche of the other. In this case, the aggressor may behave consciously or unconsciously. That is, he may not even understand that he is causing psychological trauma to a loved one. Or does it intentionally, wanting to achieve submission from the victim. At the same time, he can act defiantly, aggressively, condescendingly showing his imaginary superiority. Or softly, from under the silence, laughing at the merits and achievements of another. A deliberate decrease in the victim's self-esteem may be used in the form of remarks such as “where are you”, “not grown up”, “who, who - but not you”, etc.
Verbal aggressors can act as parents in relation to, while they are amenable to influence. So it is with children in relation to their parents, when the latter become weaker, primarily psychologically. Non-physical abuse often occurs between spouses. Moreover, there is absolutely no dependence on gender. Since verbal aggressors can be both and.
What is the danger of verbal aggression?
The greatest danger in any violence is the suppression of the will of a person, the violation of his freedom, the imposition of someone else's opinion on him. If this is a one-time act, then the victim receives a dose that he can handle. If a negative experience is repeated with some frequency, it accumulates and leaves an imprint on a person's character traits.
Self-esteem decreases and appears in their own strength. Complexes grow, i.e. he begins to really believe that something is wrong with him. If action is not taken in time, the victim complex intensifies. She tries to change her behavior, tries to become better in order to avoid further suppression and disapproval from the aggressor. However, all this does not bring results. Because it's not about the victim, but about that very ill-wisher.
Besides, verbal aggression borders on the physical. Most often, one gradually passes into the other. Not receiving a rebuff, he gradually becomes bolder in his actions and soon he is no longer shy either in expressions or in actions. It becomes more and more difficult to resist him as a victim. Since, being subjected to prolonged psychological negative impact, she loses control over her own, obeying almost completely the will of the aggressor. Both characters fall into a vicious circle, from which it is difficult for both of them to escape.
However, there is always a way out of any situation!
How to deal with verbal aggression?
Remember - each person is responsible for his own life! We all get what we deserve. And if you become a victim verbal aggression, which means that they contributed to this with their actions, or did not interfere. Realize that you should not rely on someone to come and do everything for you. This realization is called taking responsibility for your life. And it is the very first step on the path of liberation.
If your mood was spoiled on the way to work or in another situation, do not rush to blame the offenders, try to smile at them in response to arrogance, rudeness or hostility. Or just "not notice". This advice may seem silly to you, but try it and you will see an unusual reaction! The main thing is not to let the flow of negativity into your personal space. To do this, you can mentally surround yourself with a protective shield or you should be internally relaxed and calm. After all, as you know, even balanced people do not notice the negative, because they are tuned to a different wavelength.
However, we are not always able to pull ourselves together so as not to succumb to the temptation to respond with rudeness to rudeness, rudeness to rudeness. What to do in such cases? First of all, do not engage in self-discipline and blame yourself for incontinence. Say to yourself: “I did (a) this way because I did not know (a) at that moment how to act differently! Next time I will be more careful and not allow myself to sink to the level of a boor. ” Such a thought will allow you to quickly calm down and leave the situation in the past.
Now let's talk about more serious forms verbal aggression. If there is violence in the family, in no case should you leave everything as it is, in the hope that everything will somehow work itself out! Our life is not given to us at all so that we live it in discontent, depression and self-pity. And only we can change the situation.
At the first sign of disrespect in your address, stop any attempts. Softly, correctly, but persistently. Never go back on your words. Even if verbal abuse has already become a habit in your family, it is never too late to change the situation. Make up your mind and fight back the tyrant. He will certainly be taken aback by a non-standard reaction. And at this time you take advantage of the moment and more calmly, but no less persistently confirm the seriousness of your intentions.
